#betteroffin

Once upon a time, in a secluded edge of a beautiful, peaceful forest, there was a hospital. This hospital was home to 100 people. 48 staff and 52 patients.

The patients that lived at the hospital were there for all sorts of different reasons.  Some were too old. Some were not very clever. Some were too angry. Some just hated people for no other reason than the fact that they weren’t born within the confines of the hospital and came from the beautiful, peaceful forest. The rest; well, they were unfortunately press-ganged into being there, through underhand tom-foolery, skullduggery and fatuous propaganda distributed by the self-serving and evil conglomerate that ran the hospital and their media machine.

The staff, who were permanent residents of the hospital (despite having total free-access to the beautiful diverse and peaceful forest) performed their duties to the best of their abilities.  They lived alongside the patients, doing their best to ignore the occasional outbursts and educate those who would listen.  Unfortunately, there weren’t many of those.

One day, the head of the hospital, Mr Cowardly-Weasel, felt that his command was being questioned by the patients and one of their poster-boys, Nigel the Nasty Nazi. So he decided to hold a gala ballot evening.  He sent out leaflets to every room asking whether each resident would like to build a huge wall between the hospital and the peaceful forest, destroy the building from the inside and burn it to the ground.  The other option was to leave things as they were and for him to do a better job at managing the place instead.

Of course, he and all his colleagues laughed at the master plan that they had hatched.  “Who in their right minds would opt for the destruction?”, they jeered into their Oxford mugs of fine brandy.  No, it was plainly clear that this gala ballot evening would be an entertaining way to ensure some of the disgruntled patients would vote for him to pull his socks up and stay on as manager of the hospital forever and ever. If they did verge on voting the unthinkable way, at least the experts amongst the staff would be listened to when they pointed out that any other choice apart from staying in the forest would be quite plainly suicidal. But, he neglected to take into account that there were 52 patients and an evil Australian wizard controlled all the information that would be fed into the wards before the day of the ballot. He also neglected to take into account that the 52 patients were allergic to experts and quite plainly suicidal.

For the next few days, the hospital was awash with more than the usual feculence of misinformation and promises of a Nirvana away from the forest; where all medicine would be free and each patient would suddenly become employed, as all the skilled doctors visiting from the peaceful forest would be thrown out of the hospital and replaced with the patients.  None of them saw the flaw to this preposterous and ludicrous idea.

Some of Mr Cowardly-Weasel’s colleagues saw an opportunity for them to take over the hospital when they saw the kerfuffle that was starting to play-out, so they joined in with the evil Australian wizard in spreading lies about current state of the infested hospital and the bright future it had after it wa burned to a cinder; floating across the sea like a dead whale’s carcass, far away from the beautiful, peaceful forest.

The night of the gala ballot came and, as sure as shit, the 52 patients all voted to burn the hospital to the ground.

The 48 staff members stared on in disbelief as the trucks started to bring in the tanks of petrol and matches and hand them out to the now rabid patients.  As the wall was being rapidly erected, some staff started to question the sanity of what was  happening - but swiftly got set upon by the patients, soon after they had killed the Polish nurse.

Mr Cowardly-Weasel’s office lay bare.  He had already run and left the competition of who would take over his office to his once friends and loyal team of colleagues - all now exposed as a bunch of cunts who would rather lead a pile of rubble than be in the shadows of a once shining hospital.  Even the incomprehensible St Bernard dog, Boris, that he had bought for shits and giggles and to throw sticks at, had disowned him and made an attempt to jump in his chair (only to leave the room when he accidentally shit himself mid-jump).  One particular cunt, Mrs “Isn’t a Mother” Theresa (as one of her opponents once called her), shone through and took over Mr Cowardly-Weasel’s office so quickly, it was almost like she had planned the whole thing from the start.

She took over the hospital radio and announced that Burning Down the Hospital meant Burning Down the Hospital.  The 48 staff still stood there; incredulity etched upon their weeping faces.

The evil Australian wizard laughed heartily as he watched his empire solidify in the ruins of the hospital.  He knew that he would be better served by 52 “specials”, “bewildered” & “misinformed”, albeit in amongst a pile of cinders and ashes, than he would be by 48 staff members who had free and open access to the beautiful, peaceful forest where his powers were weakened by rational thought.

Mrs “Isn’t a Mother” Theresa continued to spew forth commands to rebuild (burn down) the hospital with her own hatred of mankind by setting dates for the walls to be reinforced with asbestos and dynamite and by announcing that the hospital’s doctors’ time of looking after the beleaguered but enflamed patients was coming to an end.  She cackled down the charred hallways repeatedly screaming “Burning Down the Hospital means Burning Down the Hospital!!!”

The rabbits and deer stood on the edge of the beautiful, peaceful forest watching the hospital burn down. They disbelievingly wept as they saw the destruction being caused by the evil Australian wizard and his puppets and watched the 52 patients crying out in pain as they fell to the floor in flames, “we won, we won, we are free again!”. They watched as each and every one of them lost everything they thought they never had to the flames and still, in their dying breaths, claimed victory.

From a top floor window, the 48 staff look out at the creatures in the beautiful, peaceful forest and waved goodbye. They wished that the gala ballot evening had been a non-binding, non-legal advisory vote that didn’t actually mean anything whatsoever - especially “Burning Down the Hospital means Burning Down the Hospital”. No, that would be ultra-fucking, nuts-in-a-vice ,unthinkably moronic and unfathomably imbecilic.  They stood there hoping that the 52 patients were savvy enough to realise they had been duped by some extraordinarily rich people who wanted more power and money - but this all seemed to be be just wishful thinking.

There was no happy ending and no one lived happily every after. Except the evil Australian wizard.  

And so, he, his puppets and his pawns played on to…

To all my splendid migrant friends, To all from far and wide, To all who came to settle But now swim against the tide

Of narrow-minded racist scum And ignorance throughout This once United Kingdom, Now divided, now sold out.

We’re sorry that our PM fled, And “Leave” just hid and ran; While lowlifes all across the land All hailed the Ku Klux Klan.

Don’t feel alone, don’t feel distressed; They claim majority, But with you on our side, you see, They lose authority.

Forty eight percent of us, Regrexits and you guys Amass far greater numbers; Let’s regroup and harmonise.

To all the people living in the UK as an immigrant or new national,

I'm writing this what started to be brief note, but then turned into a novelette, to you all so that I may make some sort of heart-felt apology for a seemingly large section of this ever-growing horrible society of ours.

The EU Referendum has become a hot bed of angry vitriol. One side bellowing and screaming "Leave", the others, more reservedly and too quietly whispering "Remain". I (as an all inclusive, "let's all stay in this thing together" kinda guy) do not count myself as reserved or too quiet, as I like to rattle the Boris Johnson camp's cages and satirise the single-minded foolishness of their campaign. Prodding them with accusations of xenophobia and angry fear mongering, so that they will respond in an angry, fear-mongering way. It's all too easy and something the rest of my liberal compadres should consider doing in this final sprint to one of the most important votes in recent British history (since the last time this bullshit was raised in 1975).

My apology is to my past, present and future friends from other EU countries who have chosen to make Britain their home. My apology is to my wife, who I love dearly, but I have to stand ashamed in front of every morning. Not ashamed for the usual reasons either! Ashamed for the sentiment and behaviour of other people that I share my nationality with. Comprehensively contrite and abundantly ashamed.

I've spent the last couple of months, just as my opposite campaigners have, blasting the other side. Or, as a friend put it, kicking the players and not the ball. But, as is always the way (but more so on this occasion), I feel I have every right to kick the eurosceptic players - as the majority of whom are in need of a good kicking. I'll not be so biased to proclaim that all the Remain campaigners are whiter than white (don't get excited Brexiters, there's no such thing), it's just that the vast force behind the misinformation and violent, aggressive thrust of the Leave party stems from xenophobia, aggression, anger, ignorance and blind panic. Fact. All thoroughly researched and based in truth (but those screaming “I’m a CeleBrit, Get Me Out of Here!” rarely do research - they just read what they need to in order to justify their misconceptions). The racists will proclaim "shout racist and you lose the argument". Sorry, every racist says that. The educated will say, "I have an education". Sorry, you may do, but you've been stupid enough to be duped by the cretins like Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and Nigel Farage. Not much of an education is it. Accusations of anger and aggression is pretty always denied with vast displays of anger and aggression.  I started to collate facts and figures to make my argument, but figured it would be easier to just give you the entire book with everything neatly laid out for you: www.google.com

There are those of course that do not fit the mould. There are huge numbers of non-racist people playing the part of a Brexiter. But they've been feeble minded enough to wave their flags alongside the racist majority. There are a small array of intelligent people in the Leave party who are fearful enough of foreigners to wave their banners alongside the ignorant majority. There are an even smaller amount of peaceful and placid people so blind that they stand alongside the boorish masses.  

Far too many times do I hear apostles of Farage and Johnson raising support for the likes of Trump (even voicing positive words for the vile harridan Katie Hopkins who personifies the Brexit campaign in each objectionable breath). This in itself is reason to not only walk away from any propaganda they produce (Brexit: The Movie - made by the same guy who brought us the universally debunked The Great Global Warming Swindle) and should be enough to make them a ridiculed adjunct of society that has no place to shout about anything outside of the care homes that they belong in.

But, the fact remains, they all want to simultaneously handshake you "jolly foreigners" for bolstering the economy of this land with one hand, whilst slamming the door in your face with the other.  They will break bread and drink imported wine with you, whilst cursing the land that brought them the wine and the waiters that brought them the bread and celebrate the immigrants that made it to the top and . The hypocrisy of the Exit campaigners leaves a more vile taste in my mouth than English wine or the self-imposed unemployed British folk watching Neighbours and blaming their misfortune on immigrants. However, as is the case with pretty much every argument that the Leave clique present, none of this is true: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/eu-immigration-has-no-negative-impact-on-british-wages-jobs-or-public-services-research-finds-a7026796.html. It is, in fact, all a lie.  To bolster the other agendas.

I have spent a lot of the last few months doing my bit to try and joke about the mentality of the people that are threatening to destroy the future of this country by leaving the EU and, as is my way, I try to pack a few punches into fairly short Facebook or Twitter updates;  Perhaps using words like “stupid”, “old”, “colonial” or “Nazi”. Of course I don't think they are Nazis.  Not all of them anyway. But, the evidence has shown in research - http://blogs.channel4.com/factcheck/factcheck-britain-split-eu/22312:

MOST Leave campaigners are OLD: These people are acting on there preconceived, Alf Garnett ideas of immigrants - a gut instinct based on out-dated and offensive values and ideals that will cripple the future of OUR children.

MOST Leave campaigners are UNEDUCATED: The majority of people who will be voting  Remain are EDUCATED.  It takes little more than a nursery education to see that if two people making a decision, the educated one is going to be the one to go with.  But, as MOST Brexcretia are uneducated, they don’t seem to see that.

MOST Leave campaigners are UKIP supporters. Now, I’m going to  say it and this will rile a lot of the supporters of Farage - but UKIP is undeniably and factually a RACIST party.  It takes little more than a Google search to find their past manifestos, party affiliations and media soundbites to prove that.  The angry Exit crew will of course make no such research and accuse me of spreading vile rumours. So, take a look for yourself. Recent manifesto quote: “Our traditional values have been undermined. Children are taught to be ashamed of our past. Multiculturalism has split our society. Political correctness is stifling free speech”. From the UKIP “Pocket Guide to Immigration” where they promise to “end support for multiculturalism and promote one, common British culture”. It goes on and on. So, this has to read: MOST Leave Campaigners are RACIST.

Some of the few people I know (let me stress few, as I rarely hang round in such crowds) are firm Brexit campaigners.  Blindly re-posting claims of a bleak future in the EU (let’s not forget Nigel Farage’s implication that if you vote remain, you will be raped - http://metro.co.uk/2016/06/05/farage-slated-for-saying-women-are-more-likely-to-be-raped-if-we-stay-in-the-eu-5925625/), trigger-happy with the “statistics” that are made up by the moronic marauders - and I, despite probably losing a few of these people as friends recently, have never accused them of the above.  However, I do accuse them of associating themselves with a grotesquely abhorrent movement, without opening their eyes and seeing what they are associating themselves with. So, they may not be, but they should feel shame and humiliation to freely associate themselves with those who are.

Most of the people who get offended who don't know me, eg the Twitterverse when I post a slightly edited Ballot Paper (https://twitter.com/benfrancis/status/739482904510730240), reply with angry denial or drivel such as:

Ben Hansen Hicks ‏@benhansenhicks @benfrancis Jesus. Too far?

Reply: If it didn’t offend you so much as to make you shit your pants, not far enough.

Antonio Danbareass ‏@Danbareass @benfrancis @iVoteStay You must be a complete pillock. Do you want to queue behind immigrants for housing/NHS/state education/low paid job?

Reply: Having spent most of my life waiting  to queue up for a low paid job, I find it remarkable that immigrants would beat me to it (note: sarcasm intended)

Now, having stepped outside the queue for low paid jobs: I'm sure you're all in that queue right now; or for the state education - I had no idea that there was a queue - I feel stupid right now! How can anyone be so fucking blind to think that this is even a thing; look at the facts! None of this is even slightly true! Nothing! None of it! Why are these people even being so bloody ridiculous. Because: they want to blame everything on all but themselves. Nothing is their fault. Nothing they will ever admit to is their own volition. Nothing. Why? You tell me!

Too many people use the EU as a punchbag - blaming it for all of the countries woes. Get over it - rarely is the EU to blame for your job situation or your personal failings. The EU brings stability and peace between it’s member states. Then of course, there are the truly obscene and ignorant people - “We must leave the EU to stop all those Syrian refugees”  I can’t quite explain how incensed that kind of idiotic statement makes me.

I understand this is a fairly ill-structured rant and I also understand that this is an entirely one sided take on our life in the EU - but, for the love of anything you hold dear, please don't let your vote count for nothing.

The EU is not a prefect governing body. We all know that.  But, which governing body is?  There is no government on the planet that has been or will ever be the utopian rulers we would all desire. But, the isolated British government, most probably run by clowns and fools like Farage or Johnson is every educated person’s idea of Dante’s Inferno and can't be the thing truly intelligent people are after?

The emotional “destruct” button the Brexit bandits are going to push (and it is simply an irrational and emotional, not educated choice: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/business/2016/06/05/british-voters-succumbing-to-impulse-irritation-and-anger---and/) is one that the silent Remain voters simply must fight to disable.  

My apology to the EU nationals must also extend to the behaviour and silence of those who will be sensibly and quietly voting Remain.  The urgency to stand up and shout about their beliefs seems to have passed them by and they, in their silence, are doing little to stem the wave of destruction that the Brexit horde desire.  As much as I would desire them all to start to undermine the Suicide Squad with nothing more than facts and raising their voices, I can’t see this happening.  Most of us lefties are far to reserved for that kind of thing.  As you can tell, I am not.  

And, as I am apologising for most of the country, I should also say sorry for those sitting on the fence.  The agnostics amongst us have the power to ensure that we don’t end up being the isolated laughing stock of the world and mirror the inexorable Trump debacle in the US.  I implore them to jump off said fence into the garden of intelligent reason and ensure we don’t make one of the biggest blunders in British history.

If I have offended any Brexcrement by accusation - I'm glad. If I haven't, and you have read any of my commentary herein or before, read harder.

My apology is to my friends. My apology is to some of the most wonderful people I've met in my life. My apology is to those people from Austria, Belgium, Bulgaria, Croatia, Republic of Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark, Estonia, Finland, France, Germany, Greece, Hungary, Ireland, Italy, Latvia, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Malta, Netherlands, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Slovakia, Slovenia, Spain and Sweden - to those that have chosen to make their place in the UK. My apology is to the beautiful people that chose this now seemingly hideous isle to make your home. I am truly sorry.

I wish that one day you will sit in our small isle and not judge us all by the small minded people that make us look as such.