#beta surrender

Absolute Possession.

You are one sadistic son of a bitch. Just when i start to feel like myself again, when i can feel the ground firmly beneath my feet once more, You come back into my life like a tornado, destroying my sanity with just a touch. 

i am too stunned to shut the door and too afraid to protest when You force Your way inside. You look devilish handsome as always and i hate myself for feeling a much to familiar pang of desire. But the shock and fear of seeing You again has triggered an automatic shut-down. You quickly narrow the distance between us, shutting the door behind You before grabbing me by the neck just hard enough to remind me of how my body sings when You make me hurt for You. You smell like an Alpha should and i know i’m already defeated.

“Did you think I would just let you go, foolish boy? That I’d be fine with you whoring your pussy out for anyone but me? That’s right ... I know all about the ‘boyfriend,’ you weak-minded little bitch. Settling down, are we? Does he take you on dates and treat you nice? Bet he doesn’t know what a pain whore you are, or how beautifully your cunt takes my big dick.”

Your warm breath against my skin ignites my senses and i can’t stop the shiver that runs through my entire body as You hold me close. God help me; i want to turn my head and kiss Your lips but i can’t move.

“What’s the boyfriend going to think when he sees how nicely your pale skin colors when I give you what you need - what you were made for?”

i whimper and start to cry. When You suddenly lick the tears off my face with a lewd, bold swath of Your tongue, i shudder and moan. 

“I’ve not paid enough attention to you, have I, sweetheart. Silly me. I thought you’d be a good boy and behave yourself. It’s my fault for forgetting what a good actor you are. I thought I’d broken you of all your dreams of independence and freedom. Well, I won’t make that mistake again.”

You lead me by the wrist to the couch and push me down until i’m seated. i feel numb and give no resistance. You sit next to me, your knee touching my leg. As you continue speaking to me, i stare off straight ahead trying to escape inside my mind, but it’s useless.

“Now where’s your phone, baby? Oh, I see it. You know I should punish you for not answering quickly and properly, but I think we’re beyond that now, don’t you, sweetheart?” 

Standing up, you fetch my phone and enter in the code i’d forgot to change when i reset all the other passwords to my bank accounts, which You made me give you. i realize suddenly that must have been what triggered Your visit. 

“Tsk, tsk. Not very thorough.” You smile patronizingly as the phone unlocks and you scroll through my phonebook. “So we’re going to text your boss right now and let him know you won’t be in this week.” i know i should try to run for it but i can’t move. And the truth is, i don’t really want to. “There. Short and sweet. And now, the boyfriend.” You smirk at something and then toss the phone aside. “That should do it.”

You sit back down, this time nearly on top of me, and grab me by the chin. “That should give you enough time to heal, baby boy. See how generous and thoughtful I am? Now, while you’re still conscious, I want you to apologize to my dick for wrapping those pretty lips around another cock. You always look so pretty when your throat is stuffed full of my dick and you can’t breath. Honestly, you don’t deserve my dick, considering what a naughty little slut you’ve been. But I know what you need, don’t I.”

“Do you ever get tired of people projecting their Daddy fantasies on you just because of the way you look?”

“No. Do you get tired of people assuming you’re a fag just because of the way you look, baby?” 

“No” 

“Feeling insecure, are we?”

“Always … Daddy.” 

“Why’s that, baby?”

“i’m about to say something really stupid, but i can’t help it. When i’m with You, i feel safe.” 

“Why’s that stupid? That makes me feel good. You should.”

“i feel like i ‘regress’ in ways that are a little embarrassing. i mean, i’m too old to be acting like this, right? i know i’m feminine compared to You. Well, compared to most guys - alright? Shut up. But with You, i want to be extra feminine. i mean, i don’t want to start wearing dresses or anything. i just … i like to feel helpless and delicate. Fragile. i want to cook and clean for You. i want to take care of You in domestic, servile ways. And i want to feel protected. But, i also want You to be in charge. i mean, You are, but i know i can be a handful and a brat. i like it when …”

“You need a spanking is what I’m hearing.”

“Whhha …?”

“Don’t deny it. I shouldn’t have to say this, but let’s get this out the way so you can relax and start focusing on me. First, I’m going to put you over my knee at our first opportunity and wear your hide out because you don’t ever tell me to shut up, even in jest. I want you to understand this is going to be punishment, so you’re not going to like it. But you need it. And I know you want it, baby.” 

“Second, of course I make you feel feminine! I’m fucking you. You’re taking my cock up your goddamn ass, you’re sucking it, you’re licking my hairy balls, and you’re being exactly what I want you to be: submissive, respectful - well, most of the time, and obedient. You want to take care of me? Good. I’d like that. Cook and clean to your hearts desire.” 

“As for your age, I don’t give a shit about that. And I am your Daddy. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t spank you because I wouldn’t care. You’re good for me. I love fucking you and I love protecting you. And you need protecting. From yourself. You know that, right?”

“…. yes …. yes, Daddy. Thank you. i … i love You.”

“I know you do, baby. That’s why I’m going to punish you until you cry - because I love you too. And I know what you need better than you do. Now, are we done with this?” 

“Yes, Sir.”

i’m old enough to be His father, but i call Him Daddy, and He loves it. 

Submitting to a young Daddy took some getting used to - for me. But it wasn’t until He took a belt to me that things truly clicked inside my head. He wasn’t just doing all of this for me; He was doing it for us. And He was enjoying it as much as i was - possibly more. 

This was real.

The shame i felt when He yelled at me was real. The embarrassment of being told to drop my pants and lay across His lap was real. The fear of waiting for that first blow across my bare ass was real. The relentless pain i felt and the tears i cried as He held my neck down and violently marked my ass with red welts was real. Flying in the deepest sub space i’d ever experienced was real. His love and affection for me was real. The hardness of His cock was real. 

Nothing has ever felt more natural. 

It would be weird to describe something so instinctive as satisfying. Is it satisfying to breath? Still, I am surprised at how pleasurable it is to use him sexually and how instinctive it is to hurt him - to push just past that point in my mind that warns “stop”. I blame him; he fucking provokes and invites it. But he’s a grown man; it’s his funeral.

Any thoughts I’d had about it being awkward or contrived seem ridiculous in hindsight. He obeys my orders as easily as I give them, and it gets me so fucking hard. 

He looks so beautiful when he’s cowering beneath me, if such a thing can be said about an old faggot with a dad-bod. That’s been the biggest surprise - the effect he has on my cock and libido despite his mediocre looks. 

The fag kissing the backs of my feet is easily twice my age and “successful,” according to him - good job, comfortable life, nice house. If he was trying to impress me, it doesn’t. What impresses me is his willingness to throw it all away in service to me. What would his friends, family, and co-workers say if they could see him now - so eager for my abuse, so grateful for the marks I leave on his body?

A better question is what would my bros say if they saw me pounding an old faggot’s ass? I’m pretty sure after the initial shock that they’d want a go at him too. But what they’d do to him would come from hate and fear, and I won’t allow that. I don’t hate or fear my faggot; I understand him, and he understands me like no one else.

I’m very possessive and protective of what we have. Someday, I’ll get the fuck out of this shitty town and have a boyfriend. In the meantime, I’ve got the perfect cum-dump. Maybe I can work all this aggression out of my system now and be ready to have a real relationship with a cute twink when I’m settled in a new city with a new beginning. 

i could look at this all day. 

There are things i am, things i can become, and things i will never be.  

The horizontal plane of the table effectively bisects the image into two distinct halves. The top half depicts innocence, affection, and warmth. But the Man’s furrowed, slightly arched eyebrows portend something more sinister. 

Above the surface we see what appears to be a father and son sharing a quiet and tender moment. But what’s happening beneath the surface challenges our interpretation. Further, if you hide your view of everything above the table, it’s not immediately apparent that the one being touched is a boy. There’s something very feminine in the curve of the hips and posture. The boy’s floral-print shirt and lavender collar hint as well at his felt identity. 

There are things we see and portray at the surface that don’t necessarily reflect what’s happening beneath the veneer,

beneath the table.

Some things we actively participate in; others are acted upon us. 

i identify with this very much. i need a strong Man to act upon me, to force me into acceptance and to obliterate the conflict between my true self and the false identities i wear each day. 

He is everything i will never be, and i worship Him for it.

To navigate life, i frequently have to be in control and in charge, responsible, assertive, and independent. Society expects me to behave a certain way based on my age and gender. It never feels authentic and i finally understand why.

i want to be with a Man who sees me for what i am and values what i’m made for. With Him, i am fragile, vulnerable, sweet, effeminate, and helpless. i am not defined by my biological gender, race, size, or age; i am His submissive. And as such, He understand that i need Him to assert His dominance and ownership over me - to claim His right to sexualize and molest me. 

i've been writing on Tumblr for more years than i can remember. Started as Mega Daddy Issues back when tumblr was a legit platform for personal expression. My hope was always that i would meet someone through it that would be strong enough to wrestle control from my grip and help me find peace and contentment, purpose and meaning. After all these years, i was preparing to meet such a Man face to face. From all accounts, He seemed an experienced and amazing Man and i felt extremely fortunate that He had chosen me. He was very excited to "take my kink virginity," as He put it.

i was anxious, excited, fearful, nervous, aroused, numb, ... all rolled together. i had worries: "What if i'm not able to please Him? What if i discover that i really don't want all this - that it's best left in the realm of fantasy? What if i lose myself in this - lose my identity and become some other person? What if i get a sexually transmitted disease? What if He isn't attracted to me?"

Add onto it all the below-the-surface feelings of guilty and shame that will always be there and i was kind of a mess.

i don't imagine any of my current followers were with me back in the MDI days but i felt i owed it to "my blog" to journal this momentous step. i have no idea what it will mean for the future of this blog. i've always thought my skill as a writer is rooted in my repression and lack of actual experience. And now, i'm pretty sure i was right. i don't know that i'll ever be able to write about the fantasy and dream as i did before - not because the experience was so wonderful but because it wasn't. The Red Pill is a bitch.

He is more than capable of carrying you - all of You. Your concerns, fears, and desires. Your past. Your present. He can carry everything you’ve got. You’re not a burden to Him; He wants to carry you and has invested time and effort to ensure your dependency upon Him. In the process of making you fully His, He’s engrained Himself so deeply in your thoughts and psyche that He is now your entire world and you struggle to think for yourself. You struggle to remember what life was like before Him. Noting or no one else matters other than Him - His pleasure, His favor, His needs and desires.