When your child gets angry or throws a tantrum, your natural reaction is to discipline her. But perhaps you need to take a minute, pause and consider… why is the child angry? What has triggered her tantrum? Here are a few reasons why this could be.
1. Violent media exposure – When the child is denied something he/she wants, for example if you say no to chocolates or soda, or switch off the TV, it could lead to a major over-reaction which may take you by surprise. Children these days are exposed to violence in movies, TV shows, video games and even the News can be quite graphic. This makes the child believe that screaming, stamping, hitting and other such behaviour is acceptable. Limit the child’s exposure to such violent visuals. Where it is unavoidable, sit the child down and explain that it is not real, it is only acting, that such violence happens in extraordinary circumstances and must not be emulated.
2. They emulate adults – A lot of us are today living lives of stress. Work pressure, financial pressure and a lot of other issues pile up mentally. This leads to short fuses and irritation. Have you sometimes got home from work and snapped at your spouse for no fault of his/hers? Have small things like absence of the domestic help or a dusty table set you off? Be aware that you have a silent observer. Your child is watching you and slowly assimilating your behaviour. She wants to be like you in every way, including this one. Instead, calm yourself on the commute home. Walk through the door with a big smile on your face. Make sure that any argument with the spouse does not happen in the presence of the child.
3. Unreliable Babysitters – Children are often left under the care of domestic help who can at times be negligent. They might not take good care of the child and they might not be giving him/her the time and attention they need. There is a lot you can do about this. The first step is to do a thorough background check before hiring the help. Next is to watch them interact with the child for a few days when you are also present in the house. Also, see if you can request a parent or aunt/uncle to supervise the domestic help for at least some part of the day. These days you can also install a nanny camera. Make sure you or your spouse come home unexpectedly once in a while.
4. Inappropriate friends – The child might have made friends in school or in the neighbourhood who are inciting him/her towards angry behaviour. Other children who are exposed to violent movies and games might teaching your child to behave the same way. This might baffle you initially. Talk to your child and see if you can find out what’s going on. Also, invite his/her friends home, maybe connect with their parents. Then you can decide what influences you want to remove from the child’s immediate sphere.
5. They are over-tired – Have you noticed the patterns when your child has an angry outburst? Is it when you have taken him/her out the entire day and they are exhausted by evening? Often the child doesn’t realise that he/she is tired and reacts by lashing out. Make sure you put her down for a nap. If she refuses, read her a story or play some music. This should help calm her down.
6. When they are hungry – Hunger makes adults angry and bad tempered so one can’t really blame the kids. They might not be able to explain to you that they are hungry but all the same you need to keep track. Plan a regular meal and snack timings. If the child has been unusually active, suggest a snack of a fruit or a milkshake.
7. When they feel powerless – A child may not like to be told what to do and regimented every minute of every day. Although you are the authority figure, don’t make the child feel controlled. Allow them to make choices and take responsibility. Give them snack options. Ask them if they would like a cookie and milk or a sandwich. Put him/her in charge of putting away toys. And don’t keep asking if he’s done it every 5 minutes. Allow the child to learn to be independent and responsible.
8. They are having difficulty communicating – Even a small child often has a point to make. Make sure you listen. Else, your child will start feeling unheard and ignored. Have a daily sit-down with your child and ask her about her day. Ask her whom she met, what she ate, what her teacher said and umpteen other questions. And whenever she has anything to tell you, keep your mind and your ears open.
9. Life is changing – There might be changes that the child is having difficulty dealing with. This could be varied. A friend is moving away, the child has just changed schools, death of a grandparent and the list goes on. If your child’s behaviour has changed recently try to think of what’s changed in his/her life. Acknowledge the change and convey to the child that it’s ok to talk about it.
Not getting enough time with the parents – If you and your spouse work long hours, your child might feel un-prioritised. The child might feel like you don’t want to spend time with her. Always make sure you give your child plenty of time quality time. When you are at home, chat with her, play with her and study with her. Also, explain to the child that you are out working and that you would spend all your time with her if you could. Make her feel cherished.
