#bertldragin

Things start out innocuously enough, with busloads of eager kids arriving at Camp North Pines for Boys. Our hero, a nerdy kid named Donald Poultry (amazing name) is narrating everything into his trusty tape recorder, because he’s a tech wiz, because he’s a nerd in the 80s, c’mon, try and keep up. These little devils are pumped for a summer of gorging on junk food, reading nudie mags, catching up on reruns of Dynasty, and most of all, trying their luck with the girls over at Camp South Pines for Girls. We meet a few of our junior counselors, including Mason, the obnoxious Guido; Chris, the attentive older brother type; Stanley Runk, aka “Runk the Punk” who is, well, you can figure it out; and last but certainly not least, Franklin, who is super smug and really into philosophy and believes that society is governed based off of fear. Yeah, Franklin is “that guy.”

Unfortunately, everyone’s plans for a summer of debauchery and decadence are ruined by the arrival of Mr. Warren, the new camp director. Mr. Warren is kind of an old fuddy-duddy who speaks in a hushed voice and with great moral authority, so in other words, he’s supposed to remind you of Ronald Reagan. Anyway, Mr. Warren is like, no one is allowed to curse, smoke cigarettes, or drink booze, all of which seem like pretty boilerplate rules for a kid’s camp, but everyone acts like he’s a total fascist. What’s not as cool is when he rigs the TV in the rec room to only play the televangelist channel. OK, that sucks. They literally do that to punish Hannibal Lecter. Mr. Warren also decrees that the old rope bridge that leads to the girls’ camp is off limits, because it’s in disrepair and too dangerous. Damn, guess the panty raids are cancelled, huh?

Oh, and Mr. Warren is super into catching butterflies, which is a perfect hobby for this character in that it’s so innocent that it’s kinda weird at the same time. So he takes a bunch of little kids in Franklin’s bunk on a butterfly hunt, and one of them, I think his name is Eddie, comes back in tears, because he peed his pants. But Franklin somehow twists this around and concocts this story about Mr. Warren molesting Eddie. He even tells Runk the Punk about it. This is our first hint that there may be more wrong with Franklin than just being “that guy.”

Before long, our boys are engaging in shenanigans. Chris and Donald rig the TV in the rec room to play some good ol’ scramble vision porn, but Mr. Warren catches them, unplugs the TV, closes the rec room for good, and locks Chris up. Then it’s time for the cross-camp talent show! We get a rapping emcee, because he’s the only black kid in camp! Cool! Then three of the girls do an original song about how the girls will take care of the boys “down south” while dressed up like Cyndi Lauper, Madonna, and…um, I think also Madonna? For some reason Mr. Warren doesn’t seem to mind, perhaps the innuendo just goes over his head? But then, in easily the best scene in the movie, Runk the Punk and Mason do a totally bitchin’ lip sync to Fear’s classic “Beef Bologna.” This time, Mr. Warren understands that the song isn’t actually about lunch meat, and freaks out. He sends the girls home, and cancels the dance scheduled for next week. This proves to be the final straw. Franklin holds a campfire pow wow with some of the other counselors in training, plus Donald, who by the way owes Franklin a favor because he saved him from drowning one day. They decide to stage a coup and take Mr. Warren and the other counselors into custody. Viva la revolucion!

The next day, everyone springs into action. Franklin creates some unrest by starting a “Free Chris Wade!” chant, then head over to the administration building to bust Chris out. Mr. Warren and the other counselors are like, what the hell this is insane you’re acting like total jerks, at which point Franklin is like, oh no, we’re super serious about this whole revolution thing, and by the way, I have a gun. Oh shit, Franklin DOES have a gun. Mr. Warren and the counselors are lead into the administration building at gunpoint, and locked up. Chris is like, hey man, I appreciate you busting me out and all, but we’re not really gonna take the law into our own hands, right? To which Franklin is like, don’t worry, we’ll let them go soon, we just wanna have some fun, I’m definitely not a power-hungry sociopath. Yeah, this is the point in the movie where it becomes more and more clear that, despite his guarantees, Franklin miiiiiiiiight just be a power-hungry sociopath.

Feeling the rush of having staged a successful, bloodless revolution, Franklin decides to also liberate the girls camp. Before long, all of the boys and the girls are living together, and it’s just a nonstop hormonal jamboree. During one of the now nightly dances, Runk the Punk decides to bring in the tied up and gagged Mr. Warren, to torture him by making him witness all of the grinding and making out that’s going on. None of these kids are leaving room for the Holy Spirit! Chris and this girl Heather, whom he’s fond of, are like yo, what the hell, this is going too far! And Franklin is like, oh hey, I’m wearing military fatigues now, so don’t fuck with me, you’re excommunicated. He orders Runk the Punk to take Mr. Warren back to his like, prison cell or whatever, but along the way, Mr. Warren tries to fight back, kicking Runk the Punk a bunch of times.There’s a scuffle, and oh shit, Mr. Warren accidentally gets stabbed and dies! Whoa! When Franklin finds out, he orders Runk the Punk and some other dude to ditch Mr. Warren’s body down by the caves. They’re in too deep now, there’s no turning back.

Things start to take a turn into Lord of the Flies territory. Franklin decrees that anyone who talks to Chris or Heather will be punished, and names Donald minister of propaganda. The whole free love thing turns dark too, when Mason rapes Joanie, whom you may remember as Cyndi Lauper from the talent show. Donald and another girl catch him, and he’s put on trial. Mason acts like a super gross, misogynist piece of shit, and Franklin decides that, as punishment, Mason will be forced to cross the rope bridge, hand over hand. If he lives, then he’s innocent. If he dies, then, well, he’s dead? He makes it, but then decides to mouth off to all of the girls, which is a bad idea, because they literally form a mob and Lynch him. Holy hell! I mean, it’s hard to feel bad for this piece of shit, but I didn’t think the movie was gonna go THERE.

At this point, some of the campers start to think that maybe this whole revolution thing wasn’t the best idea, while others just go more and more insane. Donald uses his computer nerd skillz to try and contact the outside world, but gets caught, and is sentenced to also walk the rope bridge. But Donald is a total dork, he’s gonna die for sure! Chris decides this is the time for the counter-revolution to begin. As Donald flails along on the rope bridge, losing his precious glasses in the process (which of course made me think of the classic Milhouse gag, “I need those to live!!!”), some of the kids start just straight up wailing on Franklin and his gang. Runk the Punk gets thrown off the hill, wow! Chris punches the shit out of Franklin’s face until he’s hamburger meat, whoa! Then the cops show up, somehow? Anyway, since Donald had been keeping his tape recorder diary thing, the cops are like, ok, we’re arresting the perps, everyone else get on the buses, you’re going home. Franklin is in the back of a cop car. The cop is like, we’re gonna contact your parents in Europe, implying that Franklin was never this salt of the Earth revolutionary, just a fucked up rich kid looking for some kicks at any cost. Whatever, man.

It probably wouldn’t surprise you to learn that Summer Camp Nightmare was co-written by none other than Penelope Spheeris. Early in her career, before she got famous thanks to directing the Wayne’s World movie, Spheeris excelled in this kind of movie: the kind of story that starts out looking like a typical popcorn flick, before descending into pure darkness. She did the same thing with Suburbia, her excellent film about a group of punk squatters living in Los Angeles, which features one of the heaviest, most gut-punching endings to any movie I’ve ever seen. If she and director/co-writer Bert L. Dragin were trying to combine Meatballs with Lord of the Flies, then they definitely succeeded. It’s far from pleasant, especially when things get rapey and murdery, but that’s the point. Subversion is the name of the game. Best of all, both sides are judged in equally harsh terms. Mr. Warren may be a sanctimonious dick, but Franklin’s way is even worse, and it doesn’t let either of them off the hook. It’s a somber note to close up Camp Analog Scum on, but hopefully next year won’t be quite as macabre. Though I doubt it…