my opinion as a schizophrenic guy with serious agitation especially during psychotic episodes is that honestly benzos in the moment help more than antipsychs already in your system anyways. I'm glad that they started prescribing benzos for Moments but idk if that's just me that's new for, previously I only ever got benzos when I was in a psych ward not just regularly prescribed. I also just hate how antipsychs makes you feel even when it's not too bad idk I hate looking through a glass pane or what have you and benzos you build up a tolerance fast and you also feel weird but idk i really do prefer it for PRN use. but that may not be the case for everyone I just saw people discussing meds and wanted to throw my two cents in. also FUCK olanzapine.
Yeah benzos provide helpful effects for many people, but are generally much less likely to be prescribed due to the fast tolerance building, addiction risk and horrendous withdrawal in case of physical dependency, and are frequently inaccessible through psychiatry due to being a controlled substance in a lot of places (alongside stimulant medications for ADHD). It has generally become a lot harder to access the meds whose effects are obvious and pleasant enough to be appealing in a recreational sense also. Ironically enough, if a psych med has a noticeable pleasant or useful effect, this is generally treated as dangerous, and a reason not to utilize it - which has sad implications about the effects and purpose of psych meds in general.
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This took a lot from me to make, not because I cannot but because my mental health is deteriorating that it affected me to the point my medications aren't working and being abused. And this is the only statement I will write about this.
Personal arguments happen. Especially when it’s over the internet. And yes, arguments (irl and over the internet) can affect our mental health, we are not islands. They affect my mental health and I believe everyone’s. Just because I don't write files doesn't mean I'm fine about a friendship falling out. If I have hurt anyone, I’m sorry. You have hurt me too, back then, we are grown people and we need to deal with hurting someone unconsciously and being hurt, especially when misunderstandings happen. I will own up and say the words that came out from me did not come from a stable mental health and mouth. Fear ruled me; my anxiety was beating me to a pulp about the thoughts that were in my head.
I have four google documents written about me with the boldest claims without receipts. The buzzword title about me being racist but inside saying they don't have receipts is telling. If anyone felt like that, they could have pointed out my behaviour anytime and I would very gladly correct it and educate myself better, but no such conversation happened. Even though I don’t believe it, I take such issues very seriously and I will educate myself better just for being accused of that, because racism is worse than being accused of racism - I wouldn’t get angry or have a meltdown if it was pointed out. But since there are no receipts and unwillingness to tell me privately what happened - nothing was resolved. I am not the type of person to say racist comments, it’s not something I take lightly.
Making parts of my personal conversations public and alluding to “what this (I) person meant to say” (while my first language isn’t English which is very problematic), ripping everything to shreds, trying to find skeletons on my personal blog, making up (very serious) lies with no back up and three people joining together to lynch a person, accusing them like they were a “witch” during witch trials for some sick personal satisfaction and making 4 word documents when this person has said multiple times they don’t want to have anything to do with any of these people, then making their country/location public exceeds a personal argument. And arguing some “anons” were from me with no proof is a weak argument. Making their issues about me is also weak. Making claims that I sent my “friends” is also lie. I have never told a soul (not on tumblr at least) about what was going through my head, only Jess (the situation with Calis and the sole reason was she was someone I call my friend). I am not someone who would talk negatively about them - before anything else, they were my friends - and I value them so much. (Hence the situation with Calis - because I valued our friendship I went in and confronted them with the thoughts that were lingering inside my head. I would own up and say it wasn’t the best of conversations and I wish they knew I was coming with a scared mind and heart - I didn't do it to purposely hurt them - I did it for my mental health and I was blocked before I could finish).
They are telling other people to block me while saying they don't condone harassment, so they would have their hands washed off from potential harassment which they are inviting to make the situation worse and hurt me more. They claim it's between me and them but they blocked me (I didn’t even see it or read it, my mental state can’t, I made my friends read it for me), they keep reblogging their post and they are making people choose sides. If it was between me and them, they would accept my attempts to deal with this in private, yet they ignored them. I believe patterns and behaviour, not words. There’s nothing easier than to block instead of making a call out post google document. What should have been resolved behind closed doors became a spectacle. There was no point stating what they wanted for me. I would take accountability and own up like an adult but to post about me - without reaching out and confronting directly did not resolve any of it or clear anything to me. I wasn't even tagged until one mutual told me about it.
Talking about mental health and suicide attempts, they have never stopped to think how I would feel about this or consider my mental health. You can all imagine how you would feel if your private conversations were made public with no regard of your privacy, claiming your pain is manipulative, making your location public (while claiming I am doxxing). I would ask them to remove it, but I'm just a project to them now and they feel no empathy for me or for any of my friends. To them, I'm not a real person, they dehumanized me. A doll they can tear down and watch shatter for their own amusement, reduced to a 4 word document. This is just a reminder that I am a person and I have feelings, and I have to be on heavy meds (benzos) to deal with this, I have to be constantly talked to by someone. I haven't been eating for more than two weeks because of previous threats and their behaviour.
Talk about traumatic experiences. But they aren’t bullies, because I “brought” it to myself, just like every victim from bullies' point of view. If this wasn’t for their personal amusement, they wouldn’t be going on my blog ten times a day (I have receipts if anyone wants proof). Revenge in the name of justice. Not to mention I was already threatened to be “exposed” - there was already a plot to maim.
Just PSA: Please, make a good description of pictures – some people don’t even understand who is who in which conversation, High Priestess is Jess and that was who threatened me. My friends questioned me about this just to be told it’s the other way around and I am MercurialHigh. These threats are the reason why my anxiety skyrocketed since I’ve told her personal information about me from my personal life I didn’t want to be made public.
I just wish they would leave me alone and understand the distress they have caused me, before (I just never addressed what I faced from them because we had a falling out and it was hurting me too) and now. It has been enough. I asked them multiple times to leave me alone, yet they still dig through all my blogs, invading my personal space. The damage has been done and this is affecting my mental health more than I’m willing to accept from a stupid app. I really don’t think me being here is helpful to them or to me. I worry for my physical safety. I have a life outside and I don’t need this neither I need to provoke them. From what everyone around me has said - an apology is due and a lengthy conversation but seeing as it wouldn't happen, then I rest my case.
I have a lot to say, I have a lot of "receipts" but I think silence for now is the best course of action. We are adults, and we own up and take accountability- I wouldn't make anyone's mental health worse by posting and fuelling the flame and I want to stop this cycle. I think that’s very in character, it’s what H would do and I won’t be giving these people my attention or any time anymore. It would be a pyrrhic victory to win this drama.
Alright.. I feel like my trust has been abused, I have been abused, my privacy has been abused, my safe space has been stolen and my mental health has been tampered with. But I will deal with this in therapy and I will not feed this drama anymore online.
Also if you could report the google files that would be very kind of you, instead of going to them. I don’t feel safe having my location revealed in a public space, something I have only shared privately and was deleting after answering that question.
And thanks to everyone who supports me, or who reached out, who sees through all of this and how toxic it is to spread a person's private convos with commentaries. I will make it up to each one of you once I’ll figure out how and my mental health will let me do it.
i take ativan as needed to manage symptoms of a chronic illness and it’s so annoying how even in patient spaces the first response ppl have to that med is “but you can become addicted!!!”. every now and again someone will come online and say “my doctor prescribed this to me, i’m aware of the risks and planning to only use it once a month in an emergency bc it really helps with my debilitating condition” and all the comments will still be “i would not take it if i were you, i took it daily and became addicted, it’s a bad medication” and it just grates my gears so much. it makes it so difficult to exchange experiences about meds and symptoms bc you have to do the obligatory “drugs are bad” dance first. idk, i was just thinking about this and then thinking about your blog bc you talk about having more of a harm reduction approach
These conversations are genuinely so frustrating like. Yes, there is an addiction risk if you take benzos daily for more than a week or so. If you are aware of this risk and managing it (or alternatively, aware and willing to take it), that should be the end of that conversation. Whether anyone else would personally take that pill if they were in your situation is irrelevant and a weird point to force. It's especially infuriating because they're clearly only worried because benzos are a controlled substance. Few of these people bring the same energy to antipsychotics and antidepressants, because despite those meds also coming with physical dependencies and often heavy side effects, the average person thinks of those as "medications" and not "drugs", which apparently inherently places them on a shelf above the scrutiny they might bring to benzos and prescription stimulants.
Diabetic anon again. I found out from reading your blog that olanzipine is a schizophrenia medication, and I was given that to take after a hospital visit. I found it suspicious that they wanted me to take a random pill without discussing it with me first, so the doctors office I went to for the follow up tried to convince both me and my mom that I should be taking it, for my severe nausea. They said specifically it was for my nausea. I asked them to tell me exactly what it was used for, and they told me to go Google it, which I found odd for a doctor to tell me to do (it's your job to tell me what the treatment you prescribe does???), and they almost convinced my mother, who was present (she's on my side btw) that I needed to be on it. I'm now worried they have diagnosed me as a schizophrenic or with psychosis in my medical files and I'm not sure what to do. Idgaf about the social stigma, people on the street can call me what the fuck they want, but I don't want to continue to face abuse from the medical community as a result of this. I'm pretty sure they did this in retaliation for me daring to ask for Valium. I know there's not much legal advice you can offer me, as you don't live in the US, but thank you so much for posting that thing about olanzipine. I'm currently looking into fucking the hospital that prescribed it to me up the ass, legally.
Okay so. Olanzapine is an antipsychotic. That's how it's categorized. This does however not mean that it's only ever prescribed for psychosis let alone schizophrenia specifically. I don't know much about off label use for nausea, nor would I recommend taking a heavy antipsychotic as an anti-nausea medication, and I do think it's iffy as fuck that you were prescribed this without being told that it's generally categorized as an antipsychotic. But this can just as easily be garden variety medical neglect as some kind of conspiracy. People absolutely get this medication pushed on them without having a diagnosis of schizophrenia. I'm not saying it's fine but it's not uncommon.
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The issue with benzos isn't that they don't (usually) work at reducing feelings of anxiety, it's that they're highly addictive and you build a tolerance quickly if you use them daily, and it's easy to get into an unconstructive spiral with them if you're not careful. Plus once addicted the withdrawal is horrible and lasts ages. They can be a useful tool for acute panic attacks and specific events that cause high anxiety, but relying on them regularly is generally a bad idea
For context, I've been diabetic since I was 10 years old. I was super healthy and did a good job of keeping my blood sugar perfectly level for the first 2 years. Then I got lazy. I spent the next decade binging food, forgetting to check my blood sugar, and forgetting to take insulin. I was pretty much at a state where I was always slightly tired and dehydrated and nauseated 24/7, but just let myself get used to it. It got worse when I turned 21 and started drinking, then I'd end up going to the hospital for diabetic ketoacidosis once or twice a year. But again, this was just..... normal to me, because I was stupid enough to think my horrible habits as a teenager would catch up to me later.
Then in 2022, I started seeing a guy who smoked a lot of weed, constantly. I had no tolerance for weed at all since I didn't smoke often, and enjoyed being high as shit all the time immensely. It didn't work out between me and the guy, so I started smoking constantly because I was severely depressed and it helped my physical symptoms from the constantly high blood sugar. I live in Texas, and therefore do not have access to LEGAL weed, so I started smoking that Delta 8 shit when I ran out of actual bud.
Do not smoke that shit. I have never suffered any kind of visual or audio hallucinations before, even while on REAL weed, but when I was vaping that gas station cart and downing gas station edibles, I would not only be lethally high, but I'd often be found in my bed, hands jittering at my sides, babbling actual paranoid nonsense at myself. I want to stress again, that I was NEVER like this the 1 or 2 times I'd smoked regular weed prior to meeting that guy in 2022.
Anyway, so, I woke up one morning later that year vomiting and couldn't stop, even when I was bringing up blood, so my dad had to rush me to the ER. In the ER, the doctor ran one blood test, looked at my chart for maybe 30 seconds, and then told me that I was sick because of the weed. He told me I had "cannabis hyperemesis syndrome" and that the only solution was to stop smoking. So I tried to. I could maybe last a week without needing to smoke for my nausea before ending up in the ER again, where they would again blame me for what was going on with me. They refused to run basic medical tests unless I begged them to, and the nurses would often deny me stronger nausea medication despite my blood pressure being 200/100 and my heart rate being 125.
I moved to Portland, Oregon, thinking I'd get better care there while I filed for disability, but it wasn't much better. Several doctors still blamed the weed, and they kept trying to prescribe me pills for the vomiting that just didn't fucking work. I recently won my disability case and moved back to Texas, and I now have Medicaid, but I'm scared of going to a doctor now, even a new one.
One of the biggest problems with this entire thing is that the doctors not only want to diagnose me with "filthy weed smoker disease", but they will not prescribe me proper medication to combat the nausea. And the nausea isn't just an inconvenience, it is quite literally killing me. My kidneys are severely damaged from the vomiting, my entire digestive tract is scarred and barely will tolerate even water, and I am severely malnourished and dehydrated 24/7.
The literal only medication that works on my nausea is Valium, and I don't even need a very high dose of it. I found that out on one of the times I had to go to the ER, yet again almost dying. A nurse was nice enough to give me some via my IV. But the doctors won't fucking give me a regular prescription for it, and they won't fucking tell me why other than "idk it's kind of a harsh medication" ya I kind of NEED harsh medication at this point???? No idea what I'm going to do, I'm still smoking every morning and it barely works anymore. I'm making small changes to my diet, which is ok, but this would really be easier if I could just take a fucking pill and have a nice day.
So yeah, that right there is kind of why I'm typing all of this. To highlight the fact that they'll force Valium down y'all's throats in the psych ward for even looking at them wrong, but treat a patient that is actively retching and can't stop panicking like they're a drug addict. They keep telling me "Well, let's not take Valium, it's too HARSH, here, let's try a bunch of medications that at this point we know will not actually work. Payment, please."
By the way, I'm fully aware you can become addicted to and overdose on Valium. I also really don't care, because last I checked, I'm not a bored housewife from the 1980s, I'm simply just trying to stop throwing up in the morning.
I'm so angry you're going through this, what a fucking nightmare! This is basically why I never have and never will tell any medical professional that I have a history of addiction (and let's be real in these people's eyes any history with stigmatized drugs is inherently a history of addiction) because I've seen time and time again how once you're officially labeled an addict then that's all you ever get to be no matter how fucking irrelevant it is to the problem at hand.
Real truth behind breakfast event: there's no way I'm effectively getting through the next chapter of my reread of Mad In America on just a cup of coffee and a half-hearted benzo.
