#benson week

Amanda stopped in front of her and held out her hand unexpectedly, soft expression now holding a hint of something more daring and determined, and Liv swallowed hard.

“C’mon,” Amanda said quietly. “What have you got to lose?”

She was aware of more and more eyes turning towards them; colleagues, friends, working out what was happening. She felt her face heat up, heart hammering against her ribs as Amanda wiggled her fingers, raising an eyebrow, biting her lip to hide her nerves.

The truth was, it felt like she had a lot to lose. It’s why she’d never made the leap before, had instead only indulged in small moments, lingering looks, fleeting touches, closing the space between them on the couch over a bottle of wine, using the kids as an excuse to spend more time together. It’s why she’d never addressed their one stolen kiss on the stoop to her apartment building that left her aching for more as she watched a blonde head duck into a taxi and disappear around the corner.

But right here, right now, with Amanda’s eyes sparkling in the light, her lip still caught between her teeth and pulled upward in a half-smile, half-smirk, all of that felt irrelevant, and she took Amanda’s hand in her own and allowed herself to be pulled onto the dancefloor.

She allowed herself to settle her hands on Amanda’s waist as Amanda’s arms wound around her neck, and they both drew each other in closer, gently swaying, barely an inch between them.

“Thought you were gonna turn me down for a second there,” Amanda teased, but Liv caught the note of anxiety in her voice all the same and shook her head.

“I was weighing my options.”

“Oh yeah?” Amanda laughed, throwing her head back a little, and god, she was beautiful.

“Remind me why we’ve never done this before?”

“Our jobs, for starters.”

“That hasn’t changed.”

“No,” Amanda conceded, pulling back to study Liv for a moment. “Does that bother you?”

“It probably will in the morning.”

Amanda bit her lip again, and Liv shook her head before capturing Amanda’s lips in a quick, chaste kiss before she could think better of it.

“It doesn’t matter. Not anymore.”

Amanda gave her a half-quizzical, half-hopeful look, and Olivia laughed.

“You got room for the lunches I made in the bag?” Megan said, holding up a large bag of sandwiches.

“Ella go grab the bag of sandwiches from Nana and put them in our beach bag,” Olivia said letting her daughter down, “I’ll go get your shoes, and then we can go.”

Ella rushed over to Megan grabbing the bag. Megan stifled a laugh as Ella held the sandwiches close to her chest as she went over to the beach bag. Ella let out a large sigh as she set down the sandwiches. Once she was done Megan reached down, slinging the blue striped bag over her shoulder. Olivia helped Ella slip on her sandals and then tossed her in the air before giving her a kiss on the forehead.

When they made it to the beach Olivia set up a large umbrella that would shade their chairs from the sun. Megan and Olivia each had a beach chair with Ella’s tiny red one tucked between them. Megan sat in her chair pulling out her knitting into her lap. She watched as Olivia ran around the beach with Ella. They splashed around in the water, laughter erupting from both of them. Olivia even convinced Ella to come out to the water past her ankles. By the time Ella had begun to tread water gracefully Megan was beckoning the Bensons back to eat lunch.

Ella quickly ate three peanut butter sandwiches before rushing off to build a sandcastle. Olivia laid back in her chair pulling a book onto her lap as she watched Ella dig through the sand.

“You know the crash is going to hit in about 15 minutes right?” Olivia giggled as Ella yawned yet again.

Megan merely nodded her head and picked up her book, “The meltdown is about to hit in 3...2...1…”

Just as Megan finished counting Ella rushed back over to their chairs. Tears were slowly streaming down her face. Olivia tried to keep a concerned look on her face, “What’s wrong sweet baby girl?”

“I... I so tired,” Ella cried and flopped down on the blanket, “I gonna take a nap. I take a nap right here.”

“Okay, Ella Bean. Go ahead and take a nap,” Olivia responded as Ella curled into a tight ball.

After a couple of minutes when Megan was sure Ella was asleep she looked over at Olivia, “Do you want to grab her and we can start heading home?”

Olivia pondered the thought for a moment, “Let’s enjoy the sunshine for a little bit longer but I will move her.”

Olivia rose from her chair picking up Ella into her arms. Ella shifted for a moment putting her fingers gently on Olivia’s earlobe. She always rubbed Olivia’s ear gently when she wanted to sleep. With a gentle sigh, Olivia sat back down in her chair Ella pressed against her chest. She reached to the side, grabbing her book from the ground. Olivia opened the book to the page she left off on propping the book in one hand. With the other, she gently rubbed small circles on Ella’s back in between flipping pages.

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The Bensons had a beach house in Malibu along Pacific Coast Highway and the sound of the waves at night had always been therapeutic for Serena. When her thoughts and the memories got to be too much for her after she had been raped, she’d sit outside on her balcony and listen to the waves while writing in her pregnancy journal. She filled page after page about what she was feeling and what her hopes were for Olivia. On more than one occasion, she wrote about how－if she closed her eyes really tight and just listened to her surroundings－she could be twelve-years-old again and riding boogie boards with her brother and sister or even six-years-old and making sandcastles with them. Some of her best memories were at the beach, but the one she knew she’d never be able to top was that first night she brought Olivia home.

Serena stood on the balcony in her Columbia University hoodie and a pair of pajama pants. Although February in Malibu was nowhere near as cold as February in New York, she made sure to dress Olivia in her warmest pajamas and wrap her in a blanket. 

“Sorry this isn’t skin-to-skin contact, but Mommy can’t be topless on the balcony,” she said as she held Olivia to her chest. “How about to make up for it, I let you drool all you want on my Columbia hoodie? We’ll be going back there in August. Columbia is Mommy’s school and she has to finish up her senior year.” Why am I talking about myself in the third person? I can’t believe I’ve become one of those moms already. “Everyone thinks it's going to be hard for me to be a full time student at an Ivy League school and be a mom living on my own, but I think we'll be okay. Your grandma is going to stay there from time to time and we have a great support system. It’s a lot colder in New York but it’s beautiful in autumn when the leaves change colors. In a couple of years, I’m going to take you trick-or-treating. I can’t wait. There’s a lot of things I can’t wait to do with you, but at the same time I want you to stay this small and cuddly.”

“The semester before I got pregnant with you, I was in a Shakespearean seminar and I got your name from Twelfth Night. My professor was really strict though. He started teaching in the early ‘80s and won’t even let us bring our laptops to class. We’re only allowed handwritten notes. After a three hour class, my right hand was so numb and I thought it was going to fall off. I want to be an English lit professor someday, but I promise I won’t be like him. I’ll actually acknowledge that it’s the 21st century. I’m sorry for rambling. I know it’s important to talk, read, and sing to your baby and trust me when I say you don’t want me singing so you’re stuck with me talking and reading to you. I have so many stories to tell you. There’s this cookie place that your aunt Lexie and uncle Kyle and I love. When you can start eating solids, you and I will share a cookie there. They’re open until 3 a.m. Can you believe it? I bet 3 a.m. is nothing for you, though. You’re a little party animal. You like to sleep all day and stay up all night, have a drink at midnight and 2 a.m.”

“Can you hear the waves?” Serena asked her daughter. “The sound is relaxing, isn’t it? My doctor told me that the most soothing sound for a baby when he or she is in the womb is their mother’s heartbeat. Now that you’re not in the womb anymore, you’re going to hear all types of sounds, some more soothing than others. I hope the ocean is one of them. Can you believe all the way across this big body of water, there’s other countries and people just like us? Maybe there’s a mommy and a baby listening to the waves on the baby’s first day at home just like we are.”

Although Olivia couldn’t understand a word she was saying, she felt as if she still had to get this next bit of information off of her chest. “I’m new to this, Olivia. Just nine months ago, I was a sorority girl who went to parties every Friday and Saturday night and then something really bad happened to me and my life took a turn I didn’t expect it to. Being a mom wasn’t what I had planned, but here you are and I never imagined loving someone so much. I’m probably going to get things wrong four out of five times, but I’m still learning and I promise you I’ll get better. I’m going to love you every single moment of every single day, Olivia, and nothing you do will ever make me stop loving you.”

Serena heard the sound of her sliding glass door opening. “Sweetheart, come inside,” her mom told her. “It’s getting cold out there for my grandbaby. Don’t you think you should put her in her crib now?”

“I was hoping I could sleep with her,” Serena responded as she gently rocked Olivia. “I’m not ready to let go.”

“My big baby,” Mrs. Benson shook her head. “I love how excited you are to spend time with Olivia, but it’s not safe for a newborn to sleep in a bed. She needs to be in her crib. Trust me, you won’t go long without holding her. Newborns don’t sleep through the night. She’ll wake up in around two hours and want you to feed her. Do you remember everything the lactation consultant told you? Or do you need me to help you? If you need me, just call, okay?”

It was supposed to be one of the most natural things a mother can do, but Serena still worried about Olivia not drinking enough of her milk, or too much, or not latching on properly. “Thanks, Mom. I’ll call you if I need help with anything.”

“You’re not ready to let go of her, are you?”

“I’ll never be ready to let go of her.”

“Come in,” Mrs. Benson insisted. “I promised I’d never tell another mom how to raise her child, but you’re my baby and she’s my grandbaby, so I’ll let you hold her longer but only if you come inside.”

There were three generations of Benson women on Serena’s bed, Serena and her mom sitting up, leaning against the headboard, and baby Olivia resting her head on her mommy’s chest. “Mom, what do you think she’ll be like when she gets older?”

Mrs. Benson put her hand on her daughter’s shoulder. “Let’s see. She’s being raised by you so she’ll be stubborn for sure, but she’ll also be kind, intelligent, and brave just like you.”