Conan the Barbarian (1982)
Though 1982's Conan the Barbarian never quite becomes the quintessential sword and sorcery adventure many claims it is, you can see the appeal.
Young Conan witnesses the murder of his entire village, is forced into slavery, trained in the ways of war through gladiatorial combat, and once freed, seeks revenge. With the aid of a brigand named Valeria (Sandahl Bergman) and the archer Subotai (Gerry Lopez) Conan (played as an adult by Arnold Schwarzenegger) searches for Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones), the leader of a cult who worships snakes.
What is Conan the Barbarian like? The promotional art tells you everything you need to know. A hulking muscle-bound hero raising a sword into the air. A sword. Not a gun or a crossbow, but a weapon used to violently cleave the life out of one’s enemies while they can see the rage in your eyes. No armor is necessary for this warrior. No shield either. He is the embodiment of manliness and by his stern expression, you can tell that he means business. At his feet, a beautiful, scantily clad woman with a sword. It's the embodiment of every red-blooded teenager's fantasy: consistently violent, gritty, and gory with many attractive actors/actresses, plenty of nudity and of course, sex.
The look is perfect. Dusty, cob-web covered skeleton in armor, huge snake adorned temples, ancient ziggurats, shady-looking marketplaces, brutal torture chambers, and seedy gladiator rings are the cornerstones of Conan's world. The casting is spot-on. Schwarzenegger is perfect as a hero that is unshakably stoic and single-minded. James Earl Jones has that unearthly quality in his voice that makes him simultaneously charismatic and sinister. Special effects-wise, it's quite good for the time and budget. Knowing that when Arnold was spearing Thulsa Doom’s pet, he was in an actual dusty, stone-covered pit, actually wrestling with a scaly puppet filled with fake blood and guts makes you all giddy inside in a way no CG creation could.
“What is good in life?” Conan is asked. He replies, “To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their women”. It’s barbaric but I love it. This is just one of several memorable bits of dialogue. The score is also excellent. Just thinking about it gets me revved up for some bloody adventures.
All those qualities are needed to outweigh the weak performances. Schwarzenegger has charisma but he sounds like an actual barbarian trying to read Shakespeare. He manages a lot better than Sandahl Bergman as his lover/partner in arms whose acting is non-existent. She looks the part, but yeesh! You may also find yourself wondering where things are going more than once due to the uneven pacing. With the ending comes a big surprise, but I wish director John Milius had taken a cue from the Ray Harryhausen adventures and given us a big monster battle to really wow the audience instead..
Though some would say it's too violent and R-Rated for teens, Conan is perfect as that movie you watch with your friends late at night when the adults have gone to bed. You’ll be so excited to see Conan bedding all of these amazon women and triumphing over murderous tyrants you won’t notice the bad acting. Its rough edges might be what makes Conan the Barbarian a cult-favorite. There's plenty to genuine like about it too. (On Blu-ray, July 2, 2015)
