#ben rowe

[CAR NOISES]

FELIX

I really like Disneyland Paris, I mean - it's not like 'proper Disney' but it's still 'really fun Disney'? And it's still got the rides and you still get to cuddle Goofy? And I really love Goofy. And…amazingly I told Ty that I wanted a day at Euro Disney and he said 'why not have two? Go and explore, Fe!' - Felix FELIX my name is FELIX, Ty! - 'Go and explore, Fe! Have a lovely time!'

So I did. And, and it was marvelous. Today will be less marvelous. After the M25, I have to drive down the A320 to go past six ways roundabout, down wood lane, and then down a little side road is my mother's house.

And in four minutes time, my mother is going to set out for the news agent. Because she believes the very greatest news is fresh news. She likes to be the first person through the door, getting the paper. And then she likes to call me about it for an hour. And then complains that I haven't read the paper yet.

So I got that to look forward to. But, first. I am six minutes away from Mum's house and she's going to leave the house in three minutes time. So I'm going to call her and tell her I am nearby. Tell her to stick the kettle on. And tell her the news couldn't wait. And we will have a lovely chat. /Oh boy, sure/.

Let's see how we go* (not sure if this is 100% accurate)

[PHONE RINGS FOUR TIMES, THEN SOMEONE PICKS UP. A MALE VOICE ANSWERS]

MAN

8732, good morning?

FELIX

Oh sorry, I am, I think I got the um, the wrong number. Um, it's- sorry, what number did you say?

MAN

8732, hang- hang on, is that Fe?

FELIX

Fe? This is Felix?

MAN

Fe. Fe what are you doing (Felix begins saying 'who' but is cut off), it's nearly six o'clock in the morning, why're you calling so early?

FELIX

Sorry who's who's that? Who's that?

MAN

(incredulous laugh) Fe, Fe it's Dad.

FELIX

Dad? (he tries to say something else a few times but fails)

FELIX'S DAD

Fe, is everything okay? You sound… you don't sound yourself.

[FELIX COUGHS AND KEEPS STAMMERING. HE SOUNDS BOTH DISTRESSED AND INCREDLOUS AS HE KEEPS TALKING]

FELIX

I am- I- I am- I've- I've got the… I've got the day off. I'm- I'm nearly home!

FELIX'S DAD

Sorry, you're nearly home? As in, as in this home?

FELIX

I'm nearly- I'm nearly…there with… there with you, Dad! Um, sorry-

FELIX'S DAD

That's great, Fe, um, I'll put the kettle on. It'll be lovely to see you, I haven't seen you for a while now, uh… I'm glad you're coming, actually, because I was woken up about five minutes ago by this very odd chap called Ty, I believe his name was-

FELIX (INTERRUPTING)

Ty- TY?!

FELIX'S DAD

He said he was your boss? I was hoping you'd be able to shed some light on what he said to me. Very, very odd guy-

FELIX

He called you- he called you five minutes ago? Five minutes ago, he called you? He called you?

FELIX'S DAD

…that's right, yes? …is everything okay?

FELIX

(after some more stammering) It's fine- no, it's fine, Dad, it's fine, I, um, I… (he doesn't bring the words out)

FELIX'S DAD

Fe, do you, you sound very distressed, are you, are you okay, are you driving?

FELIX

I'm fine I'm five minutes away, Dad … (his dad begins to say something but Felix cuts him off) Is Mum there, Dad?

FELIX'S DAD

…Fe, what do you mean?

FELIX

Mum, is she there? Is she with you?

FELIX'S DAD

(sighs) Fe-… Fe, Mum's dead, you know this. I'm very worried about you, you- you really don't sound well. If you're driving, please be safe. Please get here soon.

FELIX

(more stammering) I- I'll be there- I'm five minutes away, Dad. I- I've got to go, I- Dad, I love you, I'll see you soon, okay? Bye (he repeats this several times)

FELIX'S DAD

(overlapping) I love you too, be careful, okay?

FELIX

(is clearly upset, starts sobbing after he hangs up)