he was frustrating and arrogant and a total womanizer, way too cocky for his own good — everything you hated in men.

were you a bit of man hater too, due to your committed belief of being an activist and feminist fighting for the planet and the lives and rights within it? yes, but you had valid reasons for that!

a lot of the men out in this world and society, especially given the influences of people like homelander, weren't very great and actually even a little terrifying. especially to you.

so, yeah, consider it well-deserved to be hating on most of the men on the planet that were disrespectful and sexist to women in general.

at first, ben thought you were annoying with all of your passionate opinions and constant tangents and rants about saving the planet and being more open-minded to today's societial rules and expectations.

things were different in the modern day, but ben didn't really understand, nor care to respect it.

the man didn't understand why the hell it was a whole other world of possibilities, of things that he missed out on.

there was the grumpy, macho-side that you'd become familiar with, but there was another side of him that you got to see once you both began to get to know one another and understand each other.

and once you saw a different side to him, the sooner you began to accept that he wasn't just some cocky womanizer war hero with shell shock, but something more vulnerable. and honest.

at least when it was just the two of you.

and if anyone ever dared call him out for being soft for you, well, ben would take care of it like he always did.

everything changed, though, when he didn't stand down when butcher asked it to protect ryan, who'd already been through enough as it is.

it was then that you had to take a side. and even though it killed you to let them attempt to put him down and back under cryo, you thought it was the right thing.

ben remembers seeing you simply watching them fight him with a resigned, but pained expression, but that part didn't matter to him.

it was the fact that you let them do it.

and then, when maeve took him out, everyone becoming under the impression that soldier boy was dead. and thank god for that, right, because that meant no more trouble or bloodshed.

but, it also led to your biggest hardship — moving on.

you tried, but couldn't forget him, constantly plagued with memories and guilt you'd rather push down, never mind the grief of losing ben.

though you never confirmed your relationship or made things official, what was between the two of you was not strictly platonic, despite the age gap, due to his time being held captive under cryo for so long and with you still being pretty young.

you hated yourself for the part you played in it, and you just lost your spark and lost your eagerness to take down evil supes and homelander and vought when there was a big hole in your heart.

you'd nearly given up on life, simply just surviving and getting through every day — barely — one step at a time.

except, you were barely living. it felt like life had stopped completely, the light in you completely burnt out.

and worse, your sleeping habits had began to get bad like they always do in times like this.

you couldn't sleep, barely getting any hours in. not when you were plagued by ben's ghost everywhere you went.

only to find him stood in the darkness of your kitchen when you get up to get a glass of the water. it was the middle of the night, after you barely could sleep at all. alive.

you nearly gasp at the surprise in front of you because how the hell was he alive?

last you checked, he'd been killed in the accident with maeve, which of course you were none the wiser about maeve getting out, thinking that she was dead as well.

"ben?" is all you find yourself saying, jaw nearly dropped in shock. you couldn't believe it was him. it was a miracle.

it made you wonder if maeve got out too. you hoped she did, but knew that it wasn't important in this moment.

you were tired before, but now you were wide awake. how could you not be when he was stood right in front of you — though a little creepy, with being in complete darkness and all — alive and well.

you didn't know how it was possible he survived, but you were relieved that he was okay.

except he's not. not on the inside.

he was just betrayed by the girl he started to soften up for, which he wouldn't have done for anyone else.

"ben? what the fuck?" you question quickly as you flick on the kitchen light, letting the room flood with light and show more of him than he had shown in the darkness.

you didn't know what to do in that moment but be yourself, attitude and all. even at three a.m.

"that's all you got 'ta say 'ta me?" he finally speaks, voice rough with anger and something else you never thought you'd hear come from him. hurt.

soldier boy, in his whole life, has never allowed himself to be truly vulnerable and show a single emotion that would make him more human.

except... with you.

and maybe that's why it hurts so much. the betrayal.

you nearly stammer at that, hearing the anger and hurt in his voice, making you nearly stumble over your words in mere guilt.

how the hell are you supposed to get through this conversation without a fight starting or breaking down.

because no matter how much you pretended that he hadn't had this big effect on you, it turns out to be the opposite.

if anything, you care about him a little too much. and knowing that he could be alive and safe, that he had been safe this whole time? it feels like a big weight is lifted off your chest.

and not just because you don't have to feel like you have his blood on your hands with him back, but also, because he's here and well, for the most part.

"i-i don't know what to say! i thought you were dead!" still, you try to defend yourself.

because why wouldn't you?

was it ideal, what you did? no. but, it came from a place of good intentions, thinking that it had to be the right thing to take the others side over ben's. to let them try to take him down.

you felt you had no choice, but ben's not exactly the picture perfect definition of patient or understanding enough for that.

ben wouldn't understand that, and you knew that, deep down. all that mattered was the anger.

"did ya really think i wouldn't'a found out?" he questions with a dry, sarcastic chuckle, but the humor doesn't reach his eyes or his face at all as he takes a step closer to you in the kitchen.

you swallow at that, trying to blink back tears. it made you so on edge to think about him not knowing the full story, but you could never tell him.

would he even believe you at all?