#bejinyoung

joomi doesn't take any moment with jinyoung for granted.

sometimes he can't believe they're real - like now, jinyoung's head on his chest, sunlight filtering through joomi's window highlighting the softness of his sleepy expression. it's an experience exclusive to sunday mornings, when they don't have to be awake and get to training before the sun even rises properly.

sometimes it makes him emotional, too. i love you. i missed you. i'm so happy you're with me. he threads his fingers through jinyoung's hair, all tender affection paired with a quiet sort of reverence.

he was so afraid. he was so afraid he lost him for good - that the jinyoung he loved would never come back, let alone come back to him. but he's here, himself, but more stable and healing. he might be better than he was before. everything might be better than it was before. how? joomi doesn't understand. he can't believe it, but he tries not to question it, and just accept that for now, things are good. he's happy.

joomi fell in love with jinyoung for moments like this, where it feels like the rest of the world melts away and it's just them in their own pocket of space and time. he feels like nothing can touch him here.

"jinyoung, are you real?" he jokes, smiling softly. maybe it really is all a dream, and he'll wake up bitter and sick to his stomach soon. it feels real, though.

it all feels real.

"fancy seeing you here."

haein's rather shocked to see a familiar face on the training grounds, considering she never realized the other had become a trainee. of course, that was normal considering more companies liked to keep that information on the downlow until they had more concrete plans.

"has your singing gotten any better?" she can't stop the teasing tone from escaping her lips as she lets out a chuckle, slowly approaching the other. really it was all because she was happy to see a face she knew around. haein's not entirely sure if it will make her second time as a trainee any easier, but it'll definitely keep her at ease.

her eyes are on the dancefloor, watching, observing. one hand holds her chin in her hand as the other spins her straw around in her drink. looking, but not really seeing; stuck in her head-- thinking about her monthly eval results, thinking about the texts from her parents still unopened in her inbox. it’s upsetting, she’s come out to not think about any of those things-- and she is, out and about, but her mind can’t stop wandering. between the coaches not being impressed and her father sending ominous don’t disappoint, make good choices, you know better, messages. 

shaking her head at the bartender’s request to fill up her drink, she pulls out her phone and scrolls through it idly. she probably looks a silly vision-- bored and miserable at the bar top. yuji’s already turned away two people looking to talk-- doesn’t know what they wanted or if they wanted anything at all, but she had made it a point to ignore them after a quick smile and a turn of her head. kinda defeats the purpose though-- this was supposed to be a spontaneous decision to keep her distracted, though all she’s really done is self sabotage. 

chaekyung sends her a message attachment, and yuji clicks it mindlessly. the picture of the kitten she’s been housing since yuji and jinyoung dropped her off stares back at her-- sleeping in such a cute position yuji coos out loud. types back a mess of characters and emojis before an idea hits her. teeth worrying at her lower lip, she scrolls through her messages, thumb hesitating over jinyoung’s contact. wonders if she should. wonders if he’d even answer back-- it’s been weeks, months. time’s gotten away from her. 

wouldn’t hurt to try. it’s all about spontaneity isn’t it? stepping out of her comfort zone-- even if this is a somewhat normal thing people her age do. yubin used to do it back in her college days; why couldn’t yuji? 

normal. her fingers hesitate over the message icon, frowning to herself. normal. this is normal, right? swallows past the lump in her throat, tugs her drink closer and finishes it off quickly. like it’ll give her the courage, ease her nerves. and goes to type.

 💌  → jinyoung♏😼 ↳ (attachment)  ↳ long awaited update, yw 

stares at the screen, as if burning a hole into the screen with her gaze would get her a response faster. exhaling through her nose, she shuts her eyes and counts to three, before moving to type again. 

< w. @bejinyoung >

it feels good to be out. stevie’s been cooped up all day staring at his laptop screen with dead eyes-- an essay on dance science and anatomy and injury prevention and whatever hell else was listed in the instructions. it’s not difficult; in theory, stevie can figure out what exactly he needs to put in the essay, he just doesn’t want to do it. he doesn’t want to put it into words, or complete sentences; doesn’t want to use terminology that’s hard for him to pronounce. doesn’t want to put into effort into writing an report that’s gonna be looked at, graded and forgotten about. what’s the point?

but it doesn’t matter, because he’s out and it’s behind him. a problem for future stevie to figure out-- because current stevie’s tucked into a seat at the bar, bounding happily on the seat as he sips at some coconut flavored cocktail. he’s thrilled; he’s been excited to try out a variety of drinks ever since finally becoming of legal age to drink in january. it’s always an experience; he loves to try new things.

as he sips his drink carefully, his eyes filter over the bar and the inhabitants; he likes it-- the whole vibe. everyone seems to be enjoying themselves in here-- it’s chill, it feels cool. it almost feels movie like; stevie can’t help but grin to himself. this is so much better than studying,

“thanks for coming out with me, jinyoung!” stevie chirps, twisting his head to grin wide at his company. jinyoung’s fun, stevie thinks. he’s nice, and he’s kinda cool; his dance style and talent is something stevie’s a little jealous about, but it only makes jinyoung look a lot cooler in his eyes. “i’ve been itching to just get out. sucks being cooped up. school’s kicking my ass.” he reaches up with one of his hands to rub a knuckle in the corner of his eye. “so tired of bookwork, dude. so tired.” he grumbles, trailing off as he ends in a mix of korean and english; his obvious frustration with the subject of schooling obvious in the tone of his voice.

look, was she probably too old for face paint? definitely. but she was running out of things to do at this festival while she waited for nana, her beloved, to take stage with her back up singer, june or whatever that dude’s name was. simply, she was here for the women, despite most of the line up being men (derogatory). and too perform, but she’d already taken to the open mic stage. plus, the line for face painting had been non-existent when she had come across the stand so why not? secretly she really just wanted a butterfly on her face because it looked sick.

joomi doesn’t really know how he ended up here.

okay, maybe he does: one text to moon jinyoung, because he said, one time, while he was drunk, that they should go out drinking sometime. to joomi, the right time felt like following next gen and their mutual...complete failure.

for joomi, it’s okay. he was more afraid to win than he was to lose, so it comes as a sort of relief, even if returning to regular life is just as bizarre as it is welcome. for jinyoung...it’s very far from okay. joomi could tell from the moment the results came out on next gen finale night that jinyoung wasn’t okay, and he also knows, from spending weeks training alongside of him, that becoming an idol is truly jinyoung’s dream. he knows jinyoung wanted a contract to one of those companies more than anything, and he was far sadder for jinyoung on that night than he was anything for himself that night.

he spent the next few days always on the verge of texting jinyoung, but hesitating. for one: would jinyoung even want to hear from him, or would joomi serve as some reminder of his own failure? second: what would he even say? he wanted to thank him for his help throughout the show, and tell him he thought he deserved to win, but he didn’t want to make matters worse. instead, he just ended up offering to buy drinks if jinyoung wanted to see that suggestion he made on seollal through.

so he and moon jinyoung sat, a bottle of soju between them, at that same bar they first fought at; the same bar where jinyoung leaned into joomi’s personal space, and he has, somehow, never quite left since. joomi is pretty sure he needs to have that moment surgically removed from his mind at this point. he wonders if jinyoung even remembers at all.

he wonders even now, as he sits, far from relaxed, on jinyoung’s couch, because jinyoung decided, after a few drinks, that he didn’t actually want to drink. he wanted to...bake something, apparently, which required a trip to the grocery store, which joomi also paid for because he still felt bad and he would’ve paid for more drinks anyway.

he also wonders if he should just leave. he did his job here, didn’t he? he bought jinyoung drinks, and then set him up to bake whatever it is he wants, which apparently might help him more than drinking. joomi knows better than to think jinyoung actually wants him around.

right?

is joomi delusional enough to think they’re actually friends by now? jinyoung showed him quite well how he really felt about him the week they practiced frost, with him being as cold as the song title itself. yet then, he opened up to him while preparing for their final performance, and they were together on seollal, and joomi slept on this very couch one day after next gen filming. they should be friends, but they still don’t feel like friends. joomi thinks he would like to be friends, but part of him is afraid, and he doesn’t really know why.

no, maybe he does know why: because moon jinyoung is charming and funny and has a good heart, underneath all of his annoying bravado and idiocy. if they are friends, and not enemies, or at least two people that hold each other at arm’s length, then...joomi isn’t safe. he isn’t safe from trusting him, with his unignorable heartbreaker streak, and joomi doesn’t want to trust him. he doesn’t want to trust him, because he knows it will hurt. it doesn’t matter what unexpected kindness jinyoung has shown him, because there is still the rest and there is still the fact that joomi trusted someone that treated him better than jinyoung and it was the worst decision of his life.

there is something magnetic about jinyoung, though, and maybe that’s why he stays, glued to this couch, while jinyoung does whatever it is he’s doing in the kitchen. joomi wants to help, too; to do what he can to help jinyoung heal from this devastating defeat, but he knows he would probably stay here regardless.

it’s finally over.

that’s joomi’s main thought when he gets off the mcountdown stage and is shuffled backstage once more. he doesn’t have to hear my turn’s instrumental in his head constantly, or see the choreography behind his eyelids every time he blinks anymore. he won’t constantly be confronted by how bad and out of his element he is. sure, if he stays in the competition, it’s probably inevitable he will again, but at least for now, it’s over, and all he has to do is focus on singing for the next week.

in this moment, though, all he can focus on is how exhausted he is. at least he doesn’t feel as awful as he did after his performance for next gen’s judges, but he still feels a little dizzy and definitely out of breath. he finds water as soon as he can, and thank god they’re free to go, because joomi isn’t sure he could physically withstand another moment of practice.

joomi read somewhere about a phenomenon where children with thyroid problems often appear to have healthy thyroids during moments of illness and the problems with the thyroid only become apparent later, like the thyroid manages to keep it together until it can finally show a moment of weakness. he isn’t sure how true that is, or how much he remembers correctly, but that’s what he feels like right now: a kid’s thyroid, apparently.

he managed to get through it, but now that it’s all out of the way, he feels so drained. he finds a place where he isn’t in anyone’s way and just sits down on the floor, nursing his bottle of water and spinning head. he could probably just fall asleep right here. he’s honestly considering it. getting home–– and even worse, seeing his roommate ––seems like far too much work.

joomi likes halloween, but he wouldn't really participate in any of this without the influence of outside forces. for example: his band having the idea to all dress up as vampires for the show they managed to book boo bash weekend, and his other friends dragging him this way and that to take part in all the festivities. joomi doesn't mind it. it's been fun, really, so if anything he's glad.

it's pretty late now, though, and people are starting to go home, but one of joomi's friends insisted he go through the haunted house with her even though he's already been, but joomi is a good sport and thinks the haunted house is cool anyway, so he doesn't mind this, either. just a little ways in, however, his friend saw another one of her friends, and decided to run off with her instead, effectively leaving joomi alone.

of course, he's fine with this too, because if joomi is good at anything, it's being by himself. there's something fun in meandering through the different makeshift rooms, too, admiring the handiwork of those in charge of the whole ordeal and thinking about ways he would improve it himself. it's probably weird to run into a jumpscare and think how did they do that? instead of what the hell that scared the shit out of me, but joomi accepted a long time ago that he is simply a little odd.

he comes to the verdict that overall, it's a pretty good haunted house, and he's looking up at the ceiling, trying to figure out what it's made of when he runs into someone. he reaches his hands out instantly to steady both of them, and says, "shit, sorry," on instinct. it's only after all that, and a little further examination in the dim lighting of the haunted house that he realizes it's moon jinyoung. of course it is. this is by far the most terrifying thing he's witnessed all night. of course he'd run into this stupid idiot that might be haunting him just a little during a halloween celebration.

"you have gotta be fucking kidding me," he mutters before he can stop himself, but he probably wouldn't even if he could. he's sure jinyoung shares the sentiment. it's then that he realizes he still has a hand on each of his arms, and he quickly lets go. great. joomi has already given jinyoung something to be pissed off at him for, like he even needed to give him another reason. he's sure jinyoung could pull any reason to hate him that he wanted to out of his ass.

what will it be this time? watch where you're going, are you stalking me, leave me the fuck alone, etcetera, etcetera. oh god. he realizes something else. jinyoung is also dressed as a vampire, isn't he? great. great! he is not beating the stalking allegations. not at this rate.

"nice costume. very original," he says anyway, even though he knows it won't go over well. it's really a dig at himself too; he's also a vampire, after all.