#beingwanted

When I was much younger I had… well I suppose saying an ‘existential crisis’ is a bit too strong for a word… but I had a major breakdown because I didn’t know what my purpose was. What I’d be good for, be useful for, and what I’m even good at. No one noticed for the longest time because all I did was stay in my room. Everyone was so used to that that there was no real interest until I didn’t come out for dinner. My father came into my room then. He asked me why I hadn’t come when they called and sat down next to me on the bed, asking what the problem was. I told him that I didn’t understand my worth in the world. I wasn’t really great at anything… I could get by on just about anything but the only thing I ever had that was top notch were my grades. And then someone told me one day that grades aren’t worth anything when you get into the real world. People aren’t going to look back at your grades in high school and think ‘wow, they did all of their homework and they turned everything in, they got good grades in every class, we should hire them.’ I don’t know why, even now, grades don’t matter.. but that being the only real thing I felt I had, to hear that what I had isn’t really worth anything later in life it kind of crushed me. My dad, being my dad, turned this around to him. And… even now I don’t mind because explaining it through the way you feel things is one way of trying to show someone that they aren’t seeing things right. He asked me if I thought his only purpose in life was to be a Bus Driver. Of course I didn’t think so, I said his other purpose in life was to be a Dad (which, might I say, he can be very good at sometimes. And other times he can be just as petulant as any of us kids- possibly more so). He asked if there was no purpose he had outside of that, a purpose that was solely for himself. And… I couldn’t answer that. I really looked up to my dad… and I still do, to be honest. He’s a person I idolize- as unhealthy as I know that is logically. So… well dad logiced me into the real world and I had dinner… and I didn’t disappear into my room immediately afterwards. But as I spent time with my family the question continued in my mind… still clanging around, unsolved by my dad’s logic. Later that night I wrote a letter to my parents, requesting their help in figuring out what was going on with me. I laid everything out about myself on the table: The trouble I had actually caring about people, the dislike I truly held for my youngest siblings (I don’t hate them, I never have- but I honest and sincerely to my very core did not want them as part of my family. I had a few reasons for this but overall I just didn’t like them…), I told my parents I needed their help and I left it on their pillow for them to read. They never responded. Not even to acknowledge they had gotten it (but I mean, I checked their bed afterwards to see if it had slipped under or behind something…. It hadn’t. It was nowhere to be found). They didn’t act any differently. Dad didn’t even bring up the break down I had had the day before. They just… pretended everything was fine- and maybe to them it was. Maybe to them I was overthinking things… but I had needed them in that moment… I had wanted to know there was nothing wrong with me and that I didn’t need to find my place in the world just yet. When they weren’t there for me it drove a wedge between them and me… and it forced me to face things on my own. I suppose facing my own demons wasn’t such a bad thing… except that most of them are still around to this day. My inability to really attach to people, for one. Of course, there are some exceptions to this rule. People like Silver and Odd and Straight. Silver and Straight I’ve bonded to over time thanks to their constant support of me. Straight actually did help me solve many of my personal demons when I brought the way I was feeling to him. He always consoled me with ‘this is a normal way to feel. Just be yourself, Tye-Dye. Enjoy life.’ And I was able to get through a lot thanks to him. Silver has also helped me conquer some demons by showing me some of her own- we kind of fought the demons together. And Odd… man… I don’t even know about her. It was like… finding a twin soul for me. And I can’t say I instantly liked her… when I first met her I thought she was far too quiet and I wanted her to be more talkative- but with one of our very noisy classmates in the room I understand why she wasn’t. The big thing that happened for us was that we discovered we live in the same direction when heading home from school and so I’m able to give her a ride home and pick her up- that gave us time to talk and living so close we could hang out (always me at her house XD I think she’s been to my house once…). She has such a beautiful mind and is… well genuinely a diamond in the ruff to me. One of those people you don’t come across very often. And that’s not to say that Silver and Straight aren’t, but they were more or less.. well life pushed us together. Silver was the only person worth being friends with at school. Straight was a mentor and he would take time for me, no matter what- a feeling that I can’t even begin to express its importance. Besides those few exceptions, I haven’t really been able to attach myself to anyone (besides family). Everyone else could come and go… and where some people would hurt a little at first, over time I’d just as easily adapt to them not being there. I don’t need anyone. That is what my brain tells me, especially after a day where someone I trusted did something I can’t… can’t believe. A friend of mine recently mentioned their dislike for bisexuality because it can’t really exist. And… well… I hate that. I hate their reasoning for that. And… it pushed me away from them, as long and well as I’ve known them I could say good bye to them and not shed a tear.

Anyway- basically to me being needed is like saying something about fate ‘everything happens for a reason’ stuff. Needing someone is depending on them to the point where you can’t live without them- in my mind. It’s almost like saying you have no choice in the matter… You need water, food, and oxygen to survive. But you really don’t need another person… sure people make life much better, you can live a much happier life with eople that are really great around you. But they aren’t essential to survival… you don’t need them to live. And… for most people… at least I don’t need most people to be happy. I’ve found my happiness on my own.

Wanting something, though. Having the desire to have someone in your life, to have them near you because they make you happy… that’s entirely different. I don’t need Silver, but I want her in my life. I’d be devastated if she left and never looked back. I don’t need Straight but I want him to remain a part of my life. He’s been an amazing friend to me throughout all the years and I can’t explain in words how much he’s helped me through. I don’t need Odd, but I want her to remain in my future and present. Because without her I feel like I’d be losing someone extremely special… I’d feel like I’m missing out… and I don’t want my life to be void of her, or Straight, or Silver. Wanting is a choice. It’s a choice that can be changed but you choose to keep. I want to spend time with people today… or I don’t want to spend time with people today. I want to be an artist, a writer, an editor, a book cover designer… I want to work with people and I don’t want to work with people. They’re all valid wants… and I never feel tied to them.

I want to find someone I can spend my life with… and if I’m completely honest with myself, I want it to be like my parent’s relationship with each other. You know… they didn’t like each other at all at first… but they had to work together. And as they worked together they got to know one another enough to realize those things that they first disliked were either misconstrued or they were flaws that could be tolerated/loved. I… want someone I can be friends with first. Someone I can build a bond with like Silver, Straight, and Odd… but you know, I also just want to be with someone who genuinely cares for me. I can set that first longing aside to accept that the relationship that lasts for me doesn’t have to start out as friends… that the person can even say they wouldn’t be able to be friends with me… something I’ve commented on before.

To put it simply, at the end of the day I want to be someone’s choice, not someone’s crutch. Because at the end of the day, someone who can stand on their own but knows they can lean on me is a much more precious gem then someone who depends on me to remain upright. Heaven knows I’ll be standing on my own two feet, and not shoving all of my weight on them in hopes they’ll hold me up. I’ve done that before- and I fell. I won’t fall again. Because I can stand on my own… and when I’m tired, when I’m struggling, I have beautiful people who give me a shoulder to cry on, an arm to keep me upright, and they give me a smile to brighten the day- even the gloomier days. And that’s absolutely precious to me… they can be happy without me, but they want to be happy with me and share in the woes and the laughs life gives us.

I don’t want to be needed, not ever. That drives a wedge between me and the person because I want them to stand on their own the way my parents made me (I’m contradictory, I know. You’d think I’d want to be needed and be needed properly but… needing someone and being let down broke the part of me that wanted to be needed myself. I don’t want to be needed… and I’ll distance myself). We can get through a lot on our own without depending on someone else… and as soon as they have, the wedge lifts. Don’t… don’t say someone is not needed, though. Especially after saying you needed them. ‘I don’t actually need you, it was a rough time.’ That tears the wedge out and severs ties along the way. It’s like taking something beautifully fragile, those threads that you’ve built between yourself and others with people… and then gently placing a knife on those threads- not to cut them, but to allow the person to stand without the strings holding them back… but twisting those words into opposing tears the knife away and threads are broken, cut, and severed. It hurts… and it puts strain on the remaining threads. If there are any threads left- some people do a pretty thorough job of putting you in your place. Funny how much pain words can cause… how much meaning they have.