#beerbottletotheface

High Anxiety. That’s why I didn’t watch scary movies when I was a kid. That’s probably why I don’t watch them now. It started when my uncle rented a movie (remember when people did that? Probably not, but if you’re in the dark here, let me explain).

Before speedy internet and streaming movies, us midwestern folk had to watch our movies on good ol’ fashioned VHS tapes. As with music, there was an inherent risk in just purchasing movies outright, so there were a bunch of stores that shouldered the risk and allowed you to rent the movies instead, usually for a modest cost. 

Ring any bells? 

So my uncle, one day, he brings over a movie from the rental place, and he says “Hey! this one is science fiction. Maybe you’ll like it! It’s got aliens in it.” He misspoke; the movie had one alien in it, and it was fucking terrifying- that movie was Alien (foreshadowing?). I was 7 years old, and I didn’t sleep for weeks. And that’s not even a horror film (spoiler alert: the main theme of that film is “space rape”). 

This began my extreme distaste for scary, startling things. So when I was asked recently to review a horror film, my initial reaction was no, but I’ve been trying to live a little here lately, so I’m reviewing Scream. 

This movie is about murders. And teenagers. I think the filmmaker’s goal was to try and recapture the feeling of the murder/horror films of the 1980′s: films like Halloween (which is mentioned in the film), Nightmare on Elm Street (also mentioned), and Friday the 13th (which is, of course, mentioned in the film, too). Cool; imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I can dig that. Let’s see how it fairs. 

Pros:

- Even the characters in this movie are skeptical about the film. Someone took great care to make sure not to follow too many cliches, while at the same time, following ones that characters go to great lengths to identify as stupid. It’s paradoxical, but it kind of makes the movie interesting- like how a savant can move between hyper-intelligence and total lack thereof. 

It’s like she’s reviewing her own film. 

Characters constantly second guess their own ideas based on what they know about horror films that exist in our universe, which is a nice take on intertextuality. I can appreciate that. 

- The “villain” is a superhuman murder machine. This is kinda like that time I reviewed The Terminator and got SUPER fucking pumped about how cool of a villain the machine was. This villain is a mere human, but the idea is still the same; nothing stops them. I believe the villain had their nose broken no less than 3 times during the course of this film. In addition, they suffer massive kicks to the groin. He’s a teaser, just for kicks. 

For your money, though, the sound effects in this video are better.

The sheer punishment this person endures, all for the sake of murder, is awe-inspiring. Bravo. 

And now, the

Cons: 

- The film wants you to know that it’s not your average horror movie. Except that it is. Or, at least, that’s the feeling I get through all the horror films that lend to the formula Scream follows. It tries so hard to be any other film than the ones referenced that it forgets to actually be its own film. Scream relies so heavily on other films that you start to ask yourself: why didn’t I just watch one of those movies instead? 

...is what you should follow, probably. 

I guess I mean that, at times, the film’s ambitions far outweigh its assets. Even being directed by Wes Craven, who probably has every right to reference these other films, isn’t enough to help it stand on its own legs. It just feels like you’ve seen this film before; everything is too familiar. I guess that’s what you get in an homage, though. 

- These have got to be the most careless, suicidal teenagers on the entire planet. Alright, I know: it’s a horror film. People should make bad decisions, for the sake of the plot. But all the time? For a film that wants to be different, it doesn’t try very hard. I’ve mentioned before (I think?) about how I don’t like being pandered to, and the sort of behavior these teens indulge in is downright insulting. There’s even a scene in which a character lays out the “rules” of surviving a horror film, in all earnesty, while breaking said rules. It’s an affront to logical people everywhere! I’ll give you an example. 

Pop Quiz:

You are a teenager in a town with a bonafide serial killer on the loose. The killer is appearing to kill indiscriminately, so everyone is a potential target. You’ve decided that, despite all this, you’re going to hole up at a house party with lots of people. Unfortunately, since the authorities are apparently run by a dumber, horny version of Deputy Dog, the field of suspects hasn’t been narrowed at all: any of your compatriots at said party could be the killer. What do you do? 

A) I hang out at the party, but I stay with the group; no one is dumb enough to commit a murder in front of dozens of eyewitnesses. 

B) I go for a beer in the garage WITH ONLY TWO EXITS, because #yolo! #stayturnt #300 #savage

C) I go far the fuck away from this ridiculous shit-hole of a town, because I have common-goddamn-sense. And then I make out with Courtney Cox as HARD AS I FUCKING CAN.

One of these things happens in the movie, against all things logical. It’s like the town has required all teens to listen to Elliot Smith on a loop, and their fragile minds have become so apathetic, that their fight-or-flight response has just gone on a cigarette break.