Mar 9
REBOOT
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REBOOT
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Beeple, Regular Animals (2025).
Montsechia / Mo - the most excellent berson from How a Floret Finds Out
beep beep! 🍎
Hello I have a question. I was told the Beeple are free you can just pick them up and cuddle them? Is that true? If so, how would one attract a beeple?
Hello, petal.
The beeple are free in the sense that there’s no more money, we got rid of all those stinky coins and their silly system when we took over!
They’re NOT free in the free Terran feralist sense where they go around fighting for their rights to be independently anything like that. Quite the opposite.
As for cuddling, you’ll have to check with whoever you’re trying to snuggle! In my Help! These fluffy velvet cuties are too druggable classes I learned that some beeple have waiting lists thousands of years long to get a good snuggle going. Others have digitized themselves into hundreds of ramets capable of cuddling each other into infinite recursive loops. Once you find one though, no doubt about it you’re on a one way trip to the cuddle ring.
As for attracting a beeple, it should be pretty easy! If you’re a terran, walking around looking sad and sober is a surefire way to end up snuggling with a walking cognitohazard. If you’re an Affini, chances are you already know where every beeple within a lightyear is located, but just in case I’d suggest walking around with the petals from your strongest xenodrug graft exposed slightly. They love to get high on the good stuff.
For more information on how to know that the xenosophont you’ve managed to find is definitely a beeple and not just a terran in an adorable costume, the grand bureaucracy maintains a species record are here!
Alacrity Amaryllis, First Bloom
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I pull up my datapad to see if I'm in the right spot. I tap a few times on the cracked screen before my navigational data decides to update. A small notification bubble pops up, and an inhumanly cheerful voice informs: ["You have arrived at your FA meeting, cutie!!! Remember to have a great big smile today, we Affini lov-"] I quickly turn off the datapad and growl to myself before stuffing the device into my bag. Inside this bag, I had my datapad (of course), several bottles of water, and blocks of rations that were good to last several days. If I were careful. I... avoid dwelling on my scrapbook. There'd be time later to reopen that particular wound. I look left and right. The door looked like the entrance to one of those old habs, which makes sense since the meeting this week was in an abandoned complex. Out of all the things miraculous and strange about phytotech, one blessing for our people is that it doesn't require all that much maintenance. I input the passcode, and the hab door slides open, then shuts when I step inside. I look around the "living room" that was set up. The space - originally designed to house one or two Affini and their pets - could now comfortably accommodate our little support group. Especially with the fabricated furniture, food, and water. I see a few familiar faces, a few new ones. One of the familiar faces was Daphi, who took up the mantle of leading the meetings and helping to conduct civility, especially when emotions get high. The topics and feelings we bring to the table are contentious. I know a few of these folks would tear me apart if they knew how much I missed my Owner. Unfortunately, the time and place to share those feelings is here and soon. Daphi notices me and gives a large smile. "Comet~ good to see you! I hope your trip over wasn't too taxing?" She tilted her head. I shook mine, in turn.
"Daphi, you know I like to stay prepared! I got good rest and ate up before I arrived. I'm going to be a-okay!" I rub at the back of my neck, sighing. There used to be a feeling, there. Like when I lied. Guess without a strict hold on my leash, I... fell back into old habits.
The tall woman chuckles and throws her arms around me, pulling me into a warm embrace. "Hey, we Terrans have to stick together. We're all we got~ so you know I had to ask!" A few of us, including myself, squirm a bit overhearing her words. We all start to settle in. "Okay, everyone! My name is Delphi, She/Her. I'll be leading today's meeting. Some things you should know and ground rules: This is Floret's Anonymous. We are a support group for the abandoned Terran population of Hab Ring D. We cover a wide range of topics and discuss our stories and struggles honestly and without judgment. We only have a few rules - but they are important. "Rule One: Only the Abandoned are allowed to attend meetings - no, I don't care that your best friend is a Beeple, the Beeple's best friend is their Owner, so keep that in mind. " "Rule Two: No cross-talk. We share our stories, and that takes bravery and honesty. If someone has harsh feelings about their former Owner, I don't want someone who misses their Owner to pipe up about how great the Affini are. We all know that they're great - to beings they care about taking care of. For reasons we cannot know, Terrans are no longer on that list. You're allowed to love your ex; you're not allowed to yell at someone who hates their ex. Got it?" We all nodded. Smatterings of approval, some begrudging acquiesces. My friend Bethany, who is sitting next to me, whines a bit. She is toying with the string of her top nervously. She leans over to me and whispers, "Do... you think Mommy is ever going to come back...?" I give her sorrowful eyes, look to the floor, and shrug.
"I don't know what to tell you, Bethy. The plants left us here. Your Mommy is probably still stationed on this ship, of course! Just - not where we can see her." I bite my lip to keep from spilling my own guts out about my Guardian. I miss it so much. Bethany nods as she absorbs this information. Daphi concludes:
"To wrap up this preamble, I'm so proud of all of you for making it here for another meeting. I know it can be bleak out there in Hab Ring D, but we're doing just fine. We'll make this place home yet." She ends her speech and pauses for a bit. I look up at her with my puppy eyes and pout for a few beats. She smiles and hands me the microphone.
I look at all the faces and clear my throat. "Thank you, Delphi. First off, hi everyone! I'm Comet Syllgada, Third Flo...ret..." I look at them all as they process that I had - knowingly or not - recited my Floret name. My face turns bright red. "Um! s-she/her! Thank you! So, I... spend a lot of time trying to gain information on what's going on in the rest of the ship. In the rest of the Compact, y'know, just to keep my mind busy. I haven't been able to find a scrap of information on the ship's local network, and we no longer have access to the galactic overnet. My requests for information have gone ignored; my requests for supplies, however, are always met. So - Abandoned? Pretty harsh, we haven't been abandoned, we just aren't fit for Domestication anymore, there's a difference. Abandoned isn't even the official Affini term, so - y'know. Whatever. The hardest part for me, about the plants leaving, is that my Guardian can't regulate my emotions anymore. I have a chip installed in my Haustoric Implant, but it's not the same, you all know that. Guardian always liked to keep me fine-tuned to her specifications, and I didn't mind at all, because I was merely her pet-" A few eyes squint at me, I hear some whispers. "Does she... miss her Owner...?" "Oh my god, she's a pluppy..." "I knew she was like this, I just couldn't-" I look to Delphi to stop this, who turns her eyes to the floor. I stand up and growl at the Terrans. "You spoiled brats are probably the reason they fucking left, I know it." I stand up and run out of the hab, it feels like several people try to follow me, but I run off, losing them in the endless labyrinth of homes, usable and non-useable alike. I pull out my datapad, huffing, heaving, and puffing. Tears threatening to run rampant down my cheeks. ["-e you!!! Comet, you know Guardian loves you, right?"] I whimper and whine, and bite my lip. The tears start to flow. "N-no, you left me. You left me, Guardian..." I slide down the wall. A message pops up on my data pad. ["Events have been removed from your schedule, Comet!!! Event: FA Meeting. Looks like you got some free time coming up~ how exciting!!!"] My eyes twitch, and I throw my data pad. Fuck my actual life, how could those "recovering" florets judge me so harshly? I'm not even the most flort-brained girl there! FUCK!!!
Nearby, Beeple’s humanoid robodogs with the faces of Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, Andy Warhol, and the artist himself, born Mike Winkelmann, patter around in a playpen, occasionally excreting “certificates of authenticity.” Some of these certificates feature a QR code with — surprise, surprise — a link to a (free) NFT. Cameras inside the robot pups are constantly photographing their surroundings, which are altered using AI and printed on the pieces of paper expelled from their rears. The robots are taking photographs of YOU.
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beeple