#bedlightwriting

pulling me into the depths

Deep within the waves, in the silence, while I remain stagnant

In the sweet temptation of shallow sin

Bruising and seductive, like marks left on your skin

That’s where I find it; what makes my heart race

That feeling; on the edge, the wind at your back

Like old wax, it almost makes me crack

Bones snapping under a vice of swirling anxiety and excitement wrapped tight

my lips crack into a smile

It’s a bad idea, but I just might

Something tells me not to

But everything tells me I have to

There’s no salve that could soothe this burn, should it come

No redemption for the fallen, even for just a crumb

And god, with each carve of the knife, each feather in place

The salacious taste of the thrill finds me mad

I can’t handle this with grace

I’ve never wanted something so bad

Im a beast unattended with steak wrapped in lace

This feeling, It consumes me in my entirety

But I’d be chasing an ending that can’t be undone

The lines, the cracks, showing true what I am

Instead of what I fake

Like a chameleon, you see me not, but what surrounds

And what I reflect of you

And here you frown. Because I have cracks? Because in me, your reflection is broken too?

Of course, you would never understand

You would never see; not until there’s blood running down your hand

I am hurt too, I am broken and frail

I can be fixed, mended, instead I am blamed for not having a harder shell

Used until I’m broken; and the blood is not mine, but your own

I did not want this

You would not see me any other way, I cannot atone

And now, gently, I am held, but only through the fear inside your bones. Now you listen

I know where this ends, I know I will not be forgiven

If only once I would have been looked at instead of through

And now I fall to the end at your hands, en lieu

I wish I was harder, I wish I was brass

Yet I am nothing

Sometimes

I wonder, what to you it would mean

What, if anything, it would do, If only you knew

That I imagine, sometimes, under the stars

The boulder in my chest melting for you

Visions of bodies held close, swaying against the breeze

Next to a wine dark sea

Shallow dreams outlining silhouettes on the wall

As my favorite TV show performs to an empty room

Our bodies close and our hearts closer

Hazy hallucinations of Christmas at my parents

My brothers side by side, you in their midst as if it was an empty photo without you

Visions of my feet on your lap, the smoke burning my throat

Moonlight in the reflection of your pupils as you take the next

Brown on blue as a story untold

The intoxicating taste of sweet sin on your lips under a streetlight

But

Then again, every vision of you falls under Stygian skies

I am not your love; and you are not my light

My calloused heart doesn’t have the room you deserve

Sometimes, perhaps, it might be alright to pretend we are more

Dancing under the moon and singing with the stars

like this world was made to be ours

I know you won’t last forever

And you may never hear my mothers laugh or shake my fathers hand

Never experience the camaraderie among my brothers

But sometimes, for a brief moment, we might offer solace to one another in this unforgiving world

You’ll never be mine, but I’ll hold you like you were all along

I will never be yours, but your hand on my waist fits like I was made to be

The world is hard and angry and shitty

And if my only role

For you is a brief moment of respite

That it was only desperation

when you reached out to me

You were dear to me, before her

Not the same way but close all the same

And she came, and filled your days with light and lust and happiness

And when it fell, you came crawling back to me

Like you always do

A year and a half passed

I lived, I loved, I lost, I lived again

Sweet words and a broken past

Confusion, desperation and regret

all wrapped up in the form of a tall boy with dark hair and amber eyes

Knocking on my door

How could I say no? I’ve been desperate too.

And god, it was good

And then you had to promise me

That you would never leave

It could have been perfect before, and not even an hour later you text her

And now, like a boulder in the ocean, the feeling that your promise rings empty creeps ever closer

I knew this would happen

They never stay

No one is permanent, I learned that early on

Of course I knew

But sometimes I wish it just wasn’t true

I wish those words meant to you what they could’ve meant to me.

If only I could believe what you tell me

Lies are sugar and a sweet tooth leaves a rotten mouth.

Maybe one day your words will look less like candy

Will they, won’t they like each other? We danced around each other for months, “just friends”, “nothing is happening”, “I won’t do anything.” The dance was intoxicating, the chase, the thrill, your baby blues locked on mine as we spun until we came away dizzy.

Will they, won’t they get together? At some point we both knew without having spoken a word. And then my friend spilled it, your face flushed and we locked eyes. Our parents were on board, why not? We became drunk off the freedom we found in the other, the risk, the game. We weren’t allowed to be very much, and it ached.

Will they, won’t they kiss? My mother didn’t want me to, but she wanted me to not do a lot. We began to slip, and I caved a little to save it. I just slowed the process. Two months later and even now I still feel my hands pulling you in and the console of your car digging into my stomach when I finally claimed your lips. But that kind of excitement was short lived, we fell, slipped. A month later and I was in agony like I’d never known, you were distancing yourself and I was breaking into so many pieces.

Will they, won’t they break up? I still feel it, the change in air pressure, the way your voice shook in mirror of your own traitorous hands. You were so scared, but so was I. Before you even started you made me promise I wouldn’t be mad. I think I did. And we broke up. And never a day forward did I reach out to you first, and sometimes I think you were waiting for me to set the standard. You were following after my image of what we would be now. But the thing is, that’s what I was doing with you. You broke it off, you set the standard. And maybe you took my silence as breaking my promise, as a show of anger. But the thing that you don’t realize is that my silence was slow, torturous, painful self respect. To me, I looked you and death in the face as I pulled the dagger from my own chest. You want to help? You have hands. Want to be at my side? You have legs. If you wanted to do anything but sit and watch, you know how. So don’t tell my friends you miss me when you have done nothing to show it. You have my number. It means nothing.

A feeling tells me our story isn’t over yet, though, and a part of me craves you like nothing else. Maybe I just need to touch someone else, but I don’t know if I will. You might actually be the one who got away, with my heart in tow. But stop playing games. If you want to come back fucking do it.

That I always find myself back here

A cycle forever repeating, until the day yet to come

When I finally learn to see clear

How to love myself enough to not choose him

We planned costumes for Halloween

Matching pajama for Christmas

A kiss for New Years

Chocolates for Valentine’s

A day for Easter and a date for my birthday

Halloween has passed

I thought you’d still be here

I caved and gave you the hoodie I was saving for Christmas two weeks before that day

When everything changed

The leaves are gone, the air is chilled

And I’m glad I did, my dear

Christmas is in three weeks

And I thought you’d still be here

But even when I think of the days to follow

I’ll know I’m better off without you

Than I was hollow

I’ll never forget

Your hands on my body and your lips on mine

That feeling of ecstasy

Or the way I wished you made time

How badly I wanted you to actually see me

How I miss calling you mine

And knowing I was better off before you

You were everything, and now you have to be nothing

So I’ll crack a joke or two

Ask about your mom

When does it end? The hypocrisy, the rules, the social ultimatums, we ask what you think but shun you because you were rude, you didn’t think we actually wanted the truth, did you?

I love him, she tells me, and I am silent. I’ve learned now not to speak what I actually think, because when I do she hates me. She hates that I think she’s wrong to be doing this so early. And I warned her, oh how I warned but it was like my words were drowned by the sweet whispers of his voice. The silence in my head was the only thing that heard me.

I love him and he loves me, and I trust him, she says, and it isn't a big deal. Why can’t you just support me? You’re my best friend aren’t you? Mary supports me, why are you so stuck-up that you can’t? Don’t you trust me? I’m more responsible than everyone else.

I don’t say anything. But I could scream it until my voice goes hoarse and my hands start to shake, because I love you, because you are my best friend, because I don’t want you to hurt yourself. Because I’m willing to let you know you’ve gone too far, but Mary won’t, and you know that. You say you hate people who lie, you cut them out like mold off cheese, clean and sharp, but you don’t want to hear the truth, either.

Fight after fight and you still hate me, you hate me because I challenged that you might be wrong, because I hurt your pride, because you know I don’t fight something like this unless It’s bone-deep. And you’re scared that I’m right, so you hate me, and we fight, and you try to change it because if you get me to admit that I’m wrong then you’ve won, your pride is safe and you have nothing to worry about. But that never happened. And I’m so scared that I’m right, that you’ll get hurt or ruin what you have left to live, and part of me thinks, or maybe knows that you are too, that’s why you hate it.