My Attitude Changes At School.
I just can't seem, to let anyone see the real me, even though I try, so SO hard, to be myself.
When I'm by myself, I think about who I am, and this is it: I'm passionate. I am good at English and Math. I get easily distracted. I over worry small things. I take in every single time someone calls me something, or laughs at me, and take it too heart. I look happy- I must be right? Wrong. I haven't been happy for a long time. I have cut before. I have tried millions of diets. I am just not myself. I like hanging out with the not-so-popular kids, well, because their better people.
At school, I am a totally different person too who I feel. I don't act like I'm interested in anything, I get bossy, I never worry. I start laughing when someone makes a joke about me, or calls me names, no matter how much I feel like slitting arms, or just crying until I have no more tears. I am un social, I look like nothing offends me, I look happy. I look I would never harm myself. I look fat in my awful uniform. People think I'm this hard girl, who has good come backs, and a good life. When in reality I'm dieing inside.
I feel like I have this massive hole in side of me. Missing messed up shit from my past. See, My mother has bipolar. She had to give me and my sister up for a young age- a lucky escape. My dad took me away, he couldn't take my sister as my mother told him she wasn't his. My aunt took her in. We live in different towns. We see each other five times a year- if lucky. We had a DNA test. She is my fathers. We are full fucking sisters. I hate my mother with every bone in my body. She split us up- if she would have told us that- my dad would have taken her in. We would've been a relatively normal family. And I would see my funny, intelligent, beautiful sister every day.
Saying that- I don't think that is half of what I feel.
I feel I have too block out the world from myself. I feel I am ugly. I feel I am fat. I feel I am full of emotion, yet unable to show it. I cry, a lot. I went through a lot when I was younger. Abandonment, Drug abuse, Child abuse, Department, Bipolar, depression. I should be happy. I'm safe. I'm were I should be. But right now I'm not. I feel like I'm about too loose everything that has ever been important to me, and about to forget everything that I know. I should be happy now. But quite frankly I'm scared. Not even that, petrified. Every time something goes right in my life- something bigger than the last time comes around. I just can't cope anymore. I just can't.
