#beatingbingeeating

As I sit here, eating a Hershey's Strawberry Sunday and yet another large Starbucks coffee, I am taking some time to reflect as the new year approaches -- along with the official "start" date of my 1 year challenge.

What is it that makes me feel like giving up sugar/eating well for a year and exercising will make everything in the world right?

Why do I feel like life will be "so much better"? 

Why does it seem like I "have" to do this?

It's almost like I need to punish myself in some way so that I can feel good about myself again.  Like I've mentioned in an earlier post...this year has been a tough one for me. I've had some of my highest highs (who knew I liked to public speak?!) and some of my lowest lows (gaining back all of the weight I've ever lost is nothing comparatively). 

Maybe this is my from of "repenting".  I've become a not-very-religious sort of person.  But I am spiritual (just read Proof of Heaven, trust me, especially if you're in the medical field).   I was raised to be religious (Roman Catholic) and maybe that's where some of this is stemming from, too.  Some good ol' Catholic guilt! But I digress.  What I have discovered about many of the religions is that they all seem to promote some self-discipline.  And, again going back to the shitty events of earlier this year, I could certainly use some self control. 

What I've discovered, is it seems as though the older I get, the more freedom I have, the less I want to conform to whatever I "had" to do as a kid. 

Most importantly, or so I feel at the moment, is that somewhere along the line I totally effed up eating well.  Almost like I feel completely lost.  I start every morning stressed out about eating.  I wake up late, and rushed most of the time.  I grab a banana because I need to take my morning anxiety medication with food.  Then I get to work and I'm jonesing for anything to eat. I'll usually swing by Starbucks and get a large coffee, and more often than not, it'll be a fancy, sugar-loaded coffee because, I reason, "I didn't eat breakfast". Lunch break may or may not happen for me, so I tend to graze all day like I never know where my next meal is coming from.  Then I will end the day with a pretty solid binge that is almost reliably cheese and crackers or ice cream.  AND I WONDER WHY I FEEL LIKE SHIT. 

So, this is why I need to change something.

Yeah...that's what I keep telling myself anyways!

Today was a MAJOR slip up.  As in....I'm exhausted...and eating whatever I want.  Which basically just means a ton of chocolate and ice cream.  Whoops.  But so it goes. I do feel like crap though. And, it goes back to that whole wanting to feel better sort of stance.  Eating sugar = feeling like shit in about 5 minutes.  But loving every bite of it in the moment.  It's addicting!!

What I did do for the first time...in a VERY long time (if not the first time EVER), I looked at my reflection in a window as I was passing by -- and totally caught myself off guard.  Why? Because I smiled and thought to myself "you look great".  That's right...GREAT.  All of the shit I put my body through it's a wonder it hasn't shut down on me (and that I don't weight in at a full ton, either...! There have been countless nights of eating tubs and tubs of ice cream). 

So, here's where I start to flush out WHY I'm going to do this project for a year...because Lord freaking knows that I'll hate this for every second of every day for a good amount of time.  I'll fight the change.  I am realizing that I turn to food to manage my feelings.  Stressed at work? Find the vending machine.  Upset about something? Swing by the grocery store.

But what happens when I eat healthily? I have to DEAL with those feelings.  I have to address the fact that I feel uncomfortable and have to try to understand WHY I feel uncomfortable and HOW to fix that feeling (or to live with it).  And that requires putting myself first...something I'm straight up terrible at doing.  I'm actually seeing a therapist to help with it (along with plenty of other things!). The most difficult feeling for me to deal with when I'm eating well?  The energy and happiness that I feel.  WEIRD I KNOW.  But it's true!  The feeling of being happy kind of scares me.   And I think that that's where I'm going to have to incorporate exercise into my regimen. 

I've always been an athlete...since I was 12!  But I was always (always, ALWAYS) preoccupied with my body and feeling utterly inadequate compared to the other girls.  I wasn't skinny enough, muscle-y enough, strong enough, fast enough ... you name it! I wasn't it.  But if I could've just yelled at my little self and said GET YOUR HEAD OUTTA YOUR ASS YOURE A GREAT ATHLETE, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF maybe I would've been awesome! But just thinking about being on the field brings back these strange feelings of feeling too fat in my uniforms, and not good enough to be there.  These feelings translated to reality!  (You create your own destiny, amiright?!) I was a co-captain of my team as a senior in college, and I didn't get a chance to play during our finals game.  So, I had nothing to do with the win.  It was so depressing.  I hate looking back on those pictures...it just makes me feel so utterly inadequate.  And I think that's how I always felt playing on these teams.  When I first started, though, I was freaking awesome -- no fear.  I didn't know to think otherwise!! I don't know where all of the insecurity came from...but I know it started in middle school and just never left me.  Until now...but it's taking a lot of work!

In any event...flushing out these goals:

1. REDUCE SUGAR INTAKE: why? reduce anxiety, addictive tendencies when I consume sugar, eliminate the spike in blood sugar, eliminate the labile moods and energy levels that come with that

2. EAT HEALTHY: why? to feel better! to give my body the nutrition it deserves.

3. EXERCISE AMAC (as much as I can!): why? because of this extra energy I'm going to have, and to help manage my emotions. Especially in the beginning as all of this will be new-ish (emotions and energy...)

I think that's kinda the basis of this...to just try to make little changes every day that help lead me to these three things being my lifestyle by this time next year. 

Here's to some hard work ahead...and counting down to the day I start! One more week of eating crap?  Don't mind if I do!