#beast rambles

Eli's Beast has the fury of a cornered dog ready to snap, she wants to fight and attack and bite out of fear

I had originally met Nick in late December of 2023 via Toyhouse. Things had started out simple and innocent enough, he found one of OCs there and he even commissioned for a ref sheet for an OC of his. He then invited me to his public community server based around Mortal Kombat, and after that things quickly began to spiral out of control.

He'd frequently DM me to try and talk about his series he has been working on for some time and then it eventually went on to him wanting to roleplay. I don't roleplay anymore, and at the time I hadn't for awhile and had tried to explain it wasn't something I do. He continued to push that I should "give it a try" and wore me down for hours regardless of whatever reasons I'd try to dismiss the idea until I finally relented.

His Mortal Kombat server was deleted after he had gotten into a confrontation with another friend [now ex friend] of his accusing him of harassment and abuse. I should've seen this a sign to leave, but with what he had shared what had happened and with what I had been shown at the time, it just felt like a personal matter that was being made public and by then I was already feeling apprehensive of it being safe to leave. Nick would frequently vent about feeling lonely and of people leaving him, and I didn't want to be "one of those" to join in leaving him.

I felt like I needed to frequently give him reassurances because he'd freak out constantly, and I suppose by then he started catching feelings. By March he confessed he was crushing on me, and I didn't know what to say. I'm aroace, and have been very comfortable with that identity and have a difficult time identifying my feelings towards people and told him that I would need time to figure out if I felt the same. He said that was fine only to come back an hour or so later to see if I had made up my mind. While it was in DMs, the frequent rambles on his end about his feelings, and how I've seen behave around others, I felt cornered and exhausted and said I felt the same so we started a relationship.

Throughout the ten months our relationship lasted, he continued to make demands for things, framing them as "partner activities". He'd have me draw his OCs as icons for his Toyhouse pages, and that escalated to him asking me to draw his characters for his series. And then it turned into him asking me to work on large pieces of concept art and a comic for a trailer as well as posters. He expected this to all be for free, and while I had started working on some of these, I would slowly stop working on them as I wasn't getting paid nor did these feel like mutual activities to do. These were beneficial to him only. I never worked on the posters and tried suggesting the idea of payment as he wanted several posters with different designs, and when I had brought it up, another alter in his system remarked that I shouldn't charge him all for the sake of us being partners.

He pushed frequently over the summer to move in together, and being a college student, my one main thing that I wanted to do was graduate before moving. He hated it, and would berate me and snap at me for wanting to finish school and constantly asking me why I would want to finish school if I complained about it. I had been assaulted on campus a couple years prior and my abuser from highschool was in a class of mine during the spring semester of 2024, hence my complaints. But he would constantly push me to move out with him and for me to drop out. It made me feel stressed out beyond belief to have all this responsibility thrown at me. Having already grown up in an environment where I actually needed to take on adult responsibilities to care for another completely, I felt like I was regressing to that point in time of my life and like I needed to bend over backwards to do what I could to prevent him from sinking, all the while drowning myself.

I even went as far as asking both of my parents for help in potentially moving Nick to where I live. My mom politely explained that she did not feel comfortable with having a stranger in the home, especially since we did not have a solid plan or timeline to follow. I understood, but Nick became hostile towards me when I relayed that to him. My dad was willing to help, even offering to save up for a camper to allow us to live there but Nick refused due to me not living with my dad and because he has a fear of cis men.

I have C-PTSD, along with ASPD, OCD, autism and DID. All of which affect me deeply, but whenever I would have symptoms become noticeable, such as my tone being flatter in calls, or dissociating and not being as responsive, or having specific thoughts and compulsions that interfered with his day to even the most minor degree, he'd grow irritable and snap at me. And when I'd try to explain where my thought processes were coming from, he'd brush me off and say that I sounded too upset and refuse to talk to me until the following day. So I stopped talking about my issues, only mentioning that some days I may catch myself having more obvious symptoms of my disorders, only to get in response a TikTok slideshow on how to interact with people with BPD.

Over the past 10 months he would frequently ask and demand for money. Overall I estimate about 4-5k of my own money has gone to him. 1.5k of that going to a fursuit I felt like I needed to give him after a week of constant vents and calls of him crying over how he doesn't have his own belongings and wanting so desperately a fursuit. Other times I would pay for his rent or when his bank account overdrew I covered it. I've even gone as far as to help with paying his artists and voice actor for his series. He'd frame everything as a crisis where I had even resorted to asking friends for money and I would pay them back over the span of weeks. Guilt would eat me alive and yet he held no shame in asking me to ask my friends for money again, and I refused to do so.

He often berated me for not picking up on cues right away, so now I'm holding him to that same standard. I would try to pick up to the best of my ability what his needs were and try to accommodate how he needs things, but he never did the same for me. He financially, emotionally, mentally and sexually abused me. There are plenty of other smaller instances I could easily bring up but this is what I'm bringing up first and foremost because I felt they were the biggest examples of his dangerous and honestly disgusting and vile behavior. His system is nothing but enablers of harmful behaviors and coddle him massively and are no better.

Under the cut I have written out my experiences with him under sexual contexts that I did not want just freely out for the comfort of myself and others.

Nick if you ever see this, I don't want to debate this, I don't want to hear from you or anyone else in that system of yours. Fuck off and leave me be.

me hyperfixating on a new media with no/little/dead fandom instead of working on queueing old stuff up? yup.

Anyways gonna be coining some genders relating to the game In Sound Mind because that game has wormed its way into my brain smh