#bdrpella

ATTINA: The door had slammed, leaving Attina with a shoulder that was stinging, scratched and starting to swell—and feeling like her entire body had somehow become buoyant. There was no breath in her lungs. Perdita and Paul had stolen it from her as they swept from the room, Perdita a hurricane, Paul the eye of the storm, and Attina the destruction left in its wake.

She had stood in the center of her living room with trembling fingers and breathless lungs—for…she didn’t know how long.

Birds chirped outside of the window. The sun’s rays spilled across the floor, like a jar of it had tipped over. It warmed Attina’s bare feet. Unthawed her from her shock. Eventually, she could feel her body again. She came back alive, but she came back to a war. Her heart clenched in her chest and she crumpled in on herself, with not a moment spared for how hard her knees would hit when they smacked against the hardwood.

There on the floor she trembled, all alone, feeling like a universe collapsing in on herself. She didn’t know what to do.

She couldn’t call Andrina, Andrina didn’t know what she’d done. Andrina would be disappointed in her. Andrina would look at her the way she looked at Ariel. She would claw at Attina’s face and scream at her too. Attina felt sick to her stomach. She’d betrayed her family. They were doomed to repeat this cycle, weren’t they? The secret that weighed over all of them would break each of them eventually. No matter what Attina did to try and stop it. No matter how hard she tried. People weren’t supposed to live with such heavy things inside of them.

Like anchors, they would sink.

Attina lay there in the middle of her floor, on that line between the kitchen and the living room and she grabbed her phone in her hand, texting the only other person that she could.

I need you. Come over. Please. Attina had texted to her friend, and then closed her eyes, letting one tear, and then another roll down her cheeks. She was still in her pajamas. It was only 9:30 in the morning when she sent that text. She didn’t know that. Time had frozen still inside of her. That was the only way for her to continue. There was no other way. Because if she thought ahead, she would think about the danger she had put her family in. If she thought too hard, she would—

The door creaked open, it was still unlocked from when Perdita and Paul had left.                                       

The door to Tina and Andy’s was never unlocked. (Unless it was only Andrina in the house.) Attina locked the door nine times, sometimes eighteen, sometimes twenty seven times. Over and over and over again Attina locked the door. But now, there wasn’t a single lock that would do any good.

She felt, more than saw (her eyes squeezed shut), Ella’s shadow fall over her. Attina thought, maybe, she heard Ella say her name, but she couldn’t hear anything over her panic. Instead, she just curled further in on herself, there on the floor. Maybe, if she cried enough, she would cry out all of the salt water in her body and she’d shrivel away. That was the only thing she could think of doing to keep her family safe.

“I-I—” she whimpered after a moment, “I fucked up.”

ELLA: Ella had settled into some sort of quiet life, not unlike before, in the shop, only this time she found herself a lot happier. When she rose in the morning she didn't dread getting out of bed. She was kept just as busy, perhaps, but it didn't upset the gentle happiness that had settled around her.

Which was why she was surprised when her phone buzzed, luckily on a morning when she was otherwise free, having gotten up a few hours before to spring clean the apartment. The words made something twist inside of her, ice around her heart - maybe she was overreacting, but those words felt ominous.

So she moved as quickly as she could; slipped into her shoes, grabbed her bag just in case, phone in hand as she made her way to Attina’s, as fast as her long legs would carry her. She was surprised when she found that the door was unlocked, and it only made that cold feeling in her chest worse, almost aching as she stepped inside.

When she found Attina she tossed her bag aside and moved over to her, first hovering over her, unsure of what she should do, and then slowly moving to her knees next to her.

“Attina,” she murmured, hand reaching out to touch her shoulder, as gentle as she could. She shook her head a little at the words, wondering what she could do. “Whatever it is, darling, i’m sure it's not that bad. Or at least, it won't be as bad as it seems right now. Can you sit up for me, Tina?”

ATTINA: Ella touched her and Attina’s breath hitched. She felt it through her whole body, another crack piercing straight through her. Ella shouldn’t touch her. She shouldn’t. She couldn’t. If she did, Attina was sure that she would simply shatter right there on the floor. She would make such a mess. No one would be able to clean it. There would be pieces of her stuck between the floorboards. Fine enough to get caught on socks and dragged around the house. Put in a shoe and carried outside. She’d never be whole again, if that happened.

Attina didn’t want to shatter. She felt as fragile as glass. She felt like a melting ice cap, big enough to cause a tsunami when it finally collapsed.

All she would leave was destruction in her wake.

“It--it is, it is,” Attina sobbed, her face turned into the hard, cool floor. She wanted to bang her head against it until she was bloodied and bruised. She wanted to claw her skin off. This skin that was a lie anyway. She wanted to claw her other skin off too, peel all her scales off one after another. They were worth more than her soul.

They were worth nothing at all, if she were dead. If her secret leaked out through all of those cracks inside of her.

“I told--people--I told--and they’ll all--we’re all--in danger.” The words came out in wet, muffled sobs. She shook and shook there on the floor, drifting across that cedar ocean without an anchor.

ELLA: Ella had no idea what was going on, but she was worried. She had never seen Tina like this, not looking this broken, curled up on the floor as if it was the only place she could bear to be.

Ella shifted closer, hand moving to Attina’s hair, doing her best to manoeuvre her ever so slightly, to try and get her to at least sit up. Sitting up would be a good start, she thought.

“Who’s in danger?” She asked, that cold feeling in her chest only growing colder, harsher. “Tina, what's going on? I can help, but I don't--”

ATTINA: Ella got her hand under Attina’s arm and she went mostly willingly. Her body felt heavy, but also light as air. Everything inside of her was dark and thick, but it was like smoke. It filled every crevice but there was little density to it. She was going to choke on it all the same, the fumes of that panic deadly.

She sat up, but only enough to lean against the wall of the kitchen island. Her fingers were trembling and tears ran down her cheeks, though she was silent otherwise. She stared across the room, to the couch, to where she had stitched up Percy’s arm a month or two ago. If she looked down, maybe there would still be the blood on her hands. Or, maybe, it would be someone else’s blood soon enough.

“My family--all of them. There--there is nothing you can do.” She let out a strangled sob and her head bent, heels of her palms pressing into her eye sockets. “I-I-I went to the--the sea witch--a-and it’s all--all ruined.”

ELLA: She sat Attina up carefully, hands holding her, firm but gentle, trying only to encourage her to get herself upright. It would be a start - it was a start, even if she just stared across the room, more despondent than Ella had ever seen her.

“The sea witch?” She asked softly. She knew so little of this story - it wasn't like Attina to keep things from her, especially not things that might have put her family in danger, Ella thought. There was a gravity to the situation - something was wrong, very very wrong.

“Attina,” she murmured, shifting to wrap an arm around her shoulders. “There's always something we can do. Always. Why did you go to a - to a witch? What did she do?”

ATTINA: “She--she took everything,” Attina wailed, her sobs choking her silent.

Her fingers reached out blindly for Ella, finding her shoulder before Ella caught her hand. Attina’s own were clammy with panic and her breaths shuddered in her chest, like shutter in a storm. Attina hated storms, but she couldn’t escape the one that was raging inside of her.

“M-my memories, they’re--th--they’re gone. A-all of them. I-I don’t e-even r-remember h-her name. O-or the c-colour of her h-hair. A-and no one--no one knew. No one knew--but they all--they’re go--going to find out and then--and then we’ll die. They’ll skin us and use--”

She stopped talking. Going deathly still and quiet. Her eyes focused for the first time and she looked into the face of her friend, with her yellow hair. Those big blue eyes like two oceans. Her features were finer than they were in childhood, but still bold.

Attina wasn’t breathing, frozen with fear.

ELLA: It was like they moved two steps forward, towards… Whatever it was that had happened, and another step away. Attina would reveal something, and Ella would get closer to the centre of the maze, but then she would add something else and Ella would find herself staring at a dead end.

But she was getting her metaphors crossed; she was thinking too hard, trying to put the pieces together. Attina had went to see a sea witch, and she had taken her memories. And now her family were going to die?

But why? Why was she in danger? What could that witch possibly have to use against her?

“Attina, I don't understand,” she said, shaking her head, gripping Tina tightly in hopes of consoling her, even just a little. “Why would - why would anyone want to skin you, of all things, you haven't done anything wrong.”

ATTINA: That was the irony of it, wasn’t it?

She hadn’t done anything wrong. She wasn’t going to get skinned and die because she was a bad person. Not that it would be right anyway. No one deserved to be skinned alive, but especially not just for existing.

That was the funny thing, though, wasn’t it? The nature of Attina’s existence made her a bad person, because she lied. She lied to everyone. And when she told the truth, after it all exploded in her face, she’d gone to a sea witch and she’d fucked up Paul’s brain and maybe Roger’s too. That was what bad people did. She had destroyed her own memories of her mother, they were gone, and if it was punishment for Attina--it wouldn’t be so bad, she could shoulder that. But, it was punishment that her sisters would bare too. She was one of the only sisters who had a clear, defined memory of who their mother was. Not just from a parent-child perspective, but she was just cresting seventeen, and she was starting to understand her mother as a person. The twins had been fourteen. Their lives revolved around themselves. Andrina was the only other one, and Attina knew those memories were far from perfect.

She had ruined it all and now, she looked at Ella’s face. Kind, sweet Ella--who looked heartbroken and confused, just like Paul had looked at her.

Her shoulder still stung from Perdita’s claws.

All this stupid secret did was hurt people. Her whole life, she had hurt people. The ones who got close to her, who could tell she was hiding things. She had seen the hurt on their faces, as naked as it was upon Ella’s now.

“I-I-I--” she gasped a wet breath, “I’m a mermaid.”

The secret tumbled out of her like a school of fish slapped upon a boat deck. Her head bent forwards and she sobbed, great, heaving sobs into her knees.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I tried to f-f-fix it and I just--made it worse.”

ELLA: Ella looked at Attina for a long, long moment - it was probably seconds, but it felt like eons, stretching out in front of her. At first, she thought nothing. And then the she thought they maybe Attina was lying, but that felt cruel - Attina wouldn't lie to her.

At least, not unless it was necessary.

Ella still didn't know what to do with that, though, even as she slowly but surely came to terms with it. She looked at Attina still, and then she swallowed a little thickly. That confession had a lot of weight to it.

“It's - it's alright, Attina. Tina - shush,” She murmured, something inside of her kicking her into gear. She reached forward so that she could pull her friend against her, an arm around her shoulders. “It's alright. We're going to - we’ll sort the whole thing out. We will.”

ATTINA: As soon as the secret left her lips, it felt like a weight was lifted off of her.

It was funny, because she thought that wouldn’t be the case. In fact, the whole secret was the reason she was in this mess in the first place. The reason she’d been practically attacked. The reason she had had to fuck up not one, but two people’s memories. It was the reason for many of the terrible decisions Attina had ever made.

But, it was also who she was. She wasn’t human. Sometimes, her legs still didn’t work properly and she tripped and stumbled. Sometimes, the only way to express what she was feeling was through the beautiful hand motions of mermish. Sometimes, she just wanted to be herself. Truly, freely. With people who weren’t just her sisters.

The secret weighed heavy in her soul.

She remembered the relief it had been to tell Paul. It felt like she could breathe. Those few days afterwards, where things were good--they had been good. The shiny, golden kind of days that Attina had always dreamed of.

And once again, now that she’d said it. She felt that veil lift up again. Even as the shame tried to slam it back down, and the guilt right on its heel, making her want to throw up.

Hadn’t she learned her lesson? Or was her mouth just a leaky faucet now? Was it just going to pour all of the words out? Would she not be able to keep it in? Was this why Aquata threw herself into her work? Why Andrina could never focus on one thing for too long? Why Alana drank? Why Adella ran away? To keep from telling. To keep from opening their mouths and pouring forth the ocean.

Ella wrapped her in her arms and Attina leaned against her right away, collapsing into her embrace. It was just like when her mother used to hold her and stroke her hair after she had cried about a boy or a grade or something else that at one point had seemed like the biggest thing in the entire world. Her mother had always treated it as such too, she did not trivialize Attina’s problems. Though, those problems had been so small.

She missed her mother.

The missing ripped like a gash inside of her and she cried harder, clutching Ella, as she realized what it meant. If she could miss her mother, she remembered her. If she remembered her--the deal was broken. Somehow, she had broken it.

She had no idea if she cried out of fear or relief.

“I-I-I’m so, so so-sorry,” Attina sobbed to Ella. To her dead mother. To her sisters and her father and everyone, really.

ELLA: Ella could be angry, or hurt, or whatever it was that was clawing at her chest later, once the crying was over and the dust had settled. Seeing Attina so upset had taken all of the fight from her, at least for now, and so all that Ella could do - all she wanted to do, in fact - was to hold her for a moment, her hand rubbing Tina’s arm in a way that she hoped was soothing.

“You can be sorry once this whole thing is over,” she told her, her voice gentle, though firm. There was something to be done here, wasn't there? There had to be. There would have to be some kind of confrontation with that witch, there had to be-- something. Something more than Ella’s best friend, sobbing her heart out. “We have to put an end to all of this, Tina - whatever you… whatever deal was made with that witch, you can cry once you've ended it, see?”

ATTINA: Attina cried and cried, Ella’s words doing little to comfort.

It was not her fault. She simply didn’t understand.

She didn’t understand the danger that Attina’s family was inherently in now. Paul knew. Roger knew. Perdita knew. Anita too, probably, by now. That was how it spread, like a ripple through water, creating more and more and more, until it was a wave, a tsunami, and it buried you under it. They were going to have to move. She didn’t know if that was possible. Triton Industries was well enough known. Her father would have to abandon his life’s work. They would have to leave their friends and family and home.

And--there was nothing for it. The spell was already broken. That was what Attina cried for. It was what she mourned. The memories of her own mother had flooded back to her and with it, the knowledge that Paul’s memories would be back, too. For that was how the sea witch’s magic worked. There was always a loophole.

Attina had found hers rather accidentally.

Eventually, she simply had no more tears to cry. She felt brittle, like seaweed left out to dry. She shifted and moved away from Ella, wiping at her face. Her makeup had been half-finished, but now smeared all over her face. She looked like a disaster.

She felt like she was going to break apart.

“I-it is already broken,” Attina murmured. “Which--which means they--they know and they--they could use it against us. T-to hurt us. And they--they have every right to hurt me and to hate me. I-I was cruel to them first.”

Attina buried her head in her hands again. She wanted her Daddy.

ELLA: Admittedly, she didn't really understand. She knew that this was big, of course - huge, in fact, and yes, just as Attina had said, probably very dangerous. It was the type of thing you needed your friends and your family for, she knew that much, and Ella would be by her side for as long as she needed her. She would help as much as she could.

No doubt later, lying in bed, she would begin to question things, question everything, but  not now. “Who knows?” She asked, before her thoughts could run away from her. “We can - or me, I can go and talk to them. Is it Paul? I'm sure he would never do anything like that, darling.”

ATTINA: Attina wished she could believe Ella. She wished that she could believe Paul was the kind of person to never seek revenge or do something terrible. In her eyes, though, he had broken her trust when he’d broken her heart and slept with Perdita. From then on--her trust in him was gone. Which meant she couldn’t trust him with this.

“I-I don’t want you involved,” Attina said, and then, realized how that might sound harsh. She frowned and wiped her eyes. “I-I just mean--you don’t...you don’t have to. It’s--I-I should talk to--to my dad. He’ll--he’ll know what to do.”

ELLA: Ella pursed her lips, but she gave a reluctant nod. Attina was just… trying to run damage control, she assumed. And Ella knew fine well that part of being friends was not asking them to get into trouble for you (even if you kind of expected it). She wanted to help, of course, but maybe this was something that Attina needed to do on her own. Apparently, Ella had done all that she could do. Or at least it felt that way, even if she hadn’t really done anything at all, as far as she could tell.

“Yeah. Yes - that sounds like a good idea.” She murmured, looking at Attina for a moment. Talking to her father probably was a good idea; not something Ella would have thought of, because she had very little experience of it, but he might know what to do, right? She and Tina were both grown ups, but maybe turning to someone… more grown up would be useful. “But you know I’m here if you need me, don’t you? I’ll do whatever I can to help.”

ATTINA: Attina wasn’t ashamed of needing her father. And she wasn’t thinking--at that moment--how Ella did not have family to call. She was being selfish, so, so selfish. Later, she would think back on this and feel an awful guilt rip through her. 

Right now, though. She just wanted to feel safe. She wanted to feel safe and she wanted her father. He would help her. He would know what to do. Even if he hated her, he would keep her safe.

“O-of course,” Attina told Ella--and she smiled, just a little, just the faintest brush of it upon her lips. But, she felt better now, with this plan in her head, and with her friend there. Who--didn’t look mad at her. Even if she should be. Even if she was furious. Maybe, like everything else, it would come slowly. Until it crashed upon her.