#bbrdiary

Harry adjusted the camera as he sat down at the table near the window in his assigned cabin. He didn’t know why he was doing this or if there was any point in filming himself when a camera was already on him but he was doing for his benefit more than anyone else’s. He had always been a person who liked to jot down his thoughts, he carried a little notebook around with him everywhere so that he could write journal entries, ideas for songs or poems or even to just doodle. He felt like this was just the same as that but instead of writing down what was in his head he was speaking it to a camera. 

‘Hello there, it’s ‘arry. Former One Direction band member now solo star extraordinaire.’ He let out a small laugh, running a hand through his curls and brushing them away from his forehead. ‘Sorry, it’s still weird for me to refer myself as a solo artist.’ He bit down on his lower lip before continuing. ‘But yeah, Sign of the Times is out, it’s sailing its way around the ether and very soon as in less than a month by debut album as a solo artist is going to be released which is just insane.’ He blew out a breath before letting a bright smile pull at his lips. He couldn’t help it. He was so excited and proud of what he had made. He couldn’t wait to share it with the rest of the world and hear what people thought of his new music. It was very different to the music he made in One Direction. Not intentionally, that’s just where his creative mind took him. When writing and recording the music for the album, he took a lot of inspiration from the music he grew up with and what he listened to as a teenager before joining The X Factor. It was a lot of old rock ‘n’ roll and soul. He hoped people would dig it. He thought it was good so he hoped everybody else did as well.

‘Also...’ He tapped his fingers on to his jean-clad thighs as if to simulate a drum roll. ‘Me and Niall are together. As in a couple, boyfriends.’ He beamed at just saying the words boyfriends, he couldn’t help but feel like a giddy teenager. That’s what Niall did to him. 'Man, I can’t believe I get to call him my boyfriend again.’ He let out a small laugh, adjusting the camera as he leant further back in the chair to get more comfortable. ‘Did you all predict this? Could you see it coming because I sure didn’t!’ He bit down on his lower lip, trying to hide the smile that kept threatening to take over his face. ‘I can’t tell you how happy I am right now. You don’t realise how long I have been waiting, dreaming for this moment. I love that boy so much and I didn’t think I’d ever get to have this ever again. I thought that short stint we had was all I was going to get because I was led to believe that the feelings were only ever one-sided. I mean you probably know all this don’t you?’ He rolled his eyes at the camera with a deep chuckle. ‘You’ve seen me pining after him for all these months.’ He shook his head at himself, how had he been so oblivious? ‘Not that any of that matters now because we’re together again. I get to call him mine and he gets to me his.’ He let out a content sigh. ‘Sorry, you don’t want to hear me drone on like a 14-year-old fangirl. Just know I’m the happiest I’ve ever been since joining Celebrity Big Brother. It feels like everything in my life has just slipped into place.’ 

Harry eyed the still un-opened letter on the corner of the table and dragged it closer to him so it was in the shot. ‘And then there’s this...’ The tone of his voice had changed as he just stared at the envelope for a few moments before looking back up at the camera and twisted his mouth to the side. ‘Letter from my mum. The lovely Anne Twist, you all know her.’ Her let a smile come to his face but this time it was dimmer, sadder. ‘I haven’t opened it yet and I don’t know when I will. If I will.’ He added after a beat, letting a small sigh escape from his lips. ‘I know what it’s going to say.’ He shrugged his shoulders. ‘The good, the bad, the usual.’ A small smirk pulled at his lips as he thumbed the corner of his envelope. He couldn’t stop looking at it, even with a camera there. He sighed and pushed it away from it again. ‘Mum if you’re watching this, I’m okay. I’m fine. I know you love and miss me and I love and miss you too. Hope everything is good back home, send my love to Dad and Gem.’ He smiled, his eyes shining in the light of building tears. He heaved in a deep breath and berated himself for getting emotional.

He tried to think positive thought but that was very hard to do when he could literally feel himself dying. He didn’t need to be told, just one look in the doctor’s eyes could tell him his fate. He didn’t know how long, he didn’t want to know. He was riddled with enough anxiety as it was, he didn’t need the weight of knowledge that he didn’t have that long on Earth left. At first, he thought pushing people away would make things easier. That doing this alone was the best option because he didn’t want to see the pity and pain in his friends’ eyes but he hadn’t countered on the gut-wrenching loneliness that he felt. Despite being in a resort filled with people, people who he had pushed away in order to deal with his problems all alone, he felt completely alone. Well, that wasn’t completely true. There was still one person, one person who he knew he would never be able to get rid of no matter how much he tried. Kate. And, honestly, he was grateful that she had ignored his pleas and stuck it out by his side because he didn’t think he could really do this all alone. On his bad days when he could hardly move, barely breathe and she was there to wipe at his sweaty brow and to squeeze his hand in reassurance, he felt a small amount of relief flow through him. He needed that. Needed her. He needed to know that he wasn’t alone, that whatever happened he wouldn’t -- alone. He shook that thought from his head, his throat constricting. He couldn’t bare the thought of that, of dying. Even though it was inevitable and coming at him faster than it should. He couldn’t bare the thought of leaving Kate on this Earth alone, and without him. They just didn’t work without each other. He knew if it was the other way he would find it impossible to go on without her. To not be able to hear her voice on the other side of the phone or to be able to pull her into a hug, to not have any of that anymore. It would kill him. Leonardo furrowed his brow, he couldn’t be thinking about that right now. He wasn’t there yet so he should just enjoy that time that did have instead of dwelling on the time that he didn’t. He sighed as he gingerly sat down in the diary room chair and rotated the envelope in his hands a couple of times. He wondered who the letter was from, he knew they were meant to be anonymous but from what he’d seen, most of them had been pretty obvious who they were from.  He cleared his throat and lifted his head, forcing a weak smile for the camera directly in front of him. ‘I guess, I better see who this is from.’ He focused back on the envelope in his hand and slid his index finger under the seal, sliding it along the top of the letter to open it. He breathed in deeply, suddenly nervous but not entirely sure why. It was just a stupid letter from someone inside the resort.  He flipped the letter over, glad that it was short and sweet, unlike his own letter where he had gotten carried away and ended up writing a page and a half. His eyes started scanning the words with a small smile before he realised he was probably supposed to be reading it aloud for the camera and viewers at home to hear.  Leo looked up with a sheepish smile and began to read the letter out loud. It didn’t take him long to figure out who had written in thanks to the not-so-subtle references. He found himself chuckling slightly at some parts and it felt good. Wow, he couldn’t remember the last time he laughed. Or even, genuinely smiled. Maybe he should go back on his being alone thing. Maybe it wasn’t too late to save some relationships in here. He found himself desperately wanting to find the person who had written the letter after this to talk, to hug and to maybe rebuild a connection that had been lost.  He looked back up at the camera once he had finished reading the letter out loud. ‘Amy.’ He spoke simply, a small smile on his face that reached his eyes. ‘If you hadn’t guessed who this was from, it’s Amy Adams.’ He let out a small sigh. ‘I feel so bad. She’s done nothing wrong yet she’s blaming herself. It’s not her fault, it’s mine. I’m the one who’s practically become a recluse and blocked all human contact except for Kate and occasionally Brad.’ He brought a hand up to his head, taking a moment to massage his temple to try and soothe the pounding headache he was currently experiencing. ‘I should go find her. Apologise, maybe take her on a lunch date or something at catch up because she’s right, something does need to change and I think the thing that needs to change is me.’ He looked up at the camera with a lopsided smile before standing up and leaving the room.

THE LETTER

Leo, I love this whole letter concept especially when I get someone I know and love. It is cheesy but I really want to say just how much I treasure our friendship and how much of an amazing person you are. I remember when I was told I that I got the part in Catch Me If You Can and I was ultimately going to end up working with you. It was like an absolute dream come true and then the nerves came because you’re Leonardo DiCaprio and I’m just me. At this point in time, I had only had a couple movies under my belt and a massive gigantic celebrity crush on you from your Growing Pains days- even if that did get squashed quickly. That isn’t to say you’re not a great kisser because you definitely are (is that weird to say?? Eh, who cares). You made me nervous, I am not going to lie. I was so afraid of messing up and embarrassing myself around you. Not to mention, what if in 10 years Leonardo DiCaprio says I am a horrid kisser? That would be absolutely devastating. I quickly realized while on the set though how much of an amazing person you are and how absolutely genuine your friendships are. We haven’t really talked much since I got here (and I take full blame for that because I have been in my own world and my own head lately) but we need to change that because I miss you. Even before this show, we hadn’t hung out in a while and I know we’re both insanely busy with filming but like I said, I do miss you. I don’t really know what else to say in this letter except for how much I admire your passion and drive and acting ability. We really need to change the whole not hanging out thing, okay?