#bb.journal

how dare you. how fucking dare you. that’s all i can think right now. you’ve done a lot of fucked up shit in the past six months but this takes the cake. i honestly don’t even want to look at you right now. if you want to get your things out of my house, you’d better bring every single one of your friends with you because if you pull anything else like you have been the past few days i’m going to throw a fucking vase at you. if there’s any left in this fucking house that you haven’t already broken.  i’ve told you a million times that you weren’t going to end up with your father, that you weren’t the kind of man to walk out on his family and let his addictions take over his life but i was wrong. i’m always fucking wrong.  how dare you spend months telling me that you want to get me pregnant, and then once you do spend my entire pregnancy telling me how excited you are to meet your son, and then not even two weeks after he’s born, decide you don’t want to be his fucking father? fuck you. you’re just like your fucking mother, except even worse. she lasted 9 years before she walked out on you, you didn’t even wait a fucking month. i can’t wait until my child grows up and sees his father on the television and i have to explain to him why he doesn’t know him.  fuck you.  fuck you.  how dare you throw in my face that i’m emotionally unavailable when it comes to anything about you being sick when you know that this is forcing me to literally relive the most devastating thing that’s ever happened to me. i’m going through the worst part of my life all over again except its worst this time because we have a child and plans to get married soon. how dare you act like my feelings don’t matter because you need support. fuck you, i need support.  i’ve spent so much time tiring myself to the point of emotional breakdowns in order to try and convince you that you’re a good man and that you’re deserving of this life, and for what?  don’t tell me that i never loved you when i pushed my own feelings aside over and over again in order to try and put a smile on your ungrateful face. don’t tell me that i never cared when i ended my life in order to start one that fit into yours.  and don’t you dare act like i’m the bad guy in this because you’re the one who won’t get help, you’re the one who’s splitting up your children, and you’re the one who’s become everything he said he never wanted to. have a nice life. i hope your shit attitude helps you sleep at night because it’s literally all you’ve got. 

I didn’t think that when I ran away from the chaos that I had created of my life, I’d be running right into the middle of some more. I guess I knew that taking this job was going to mean dealing with a lot of things that I had buried so far in the past that I didn’t think I could dig them back up even if I wanted to. I told harry things that I’ve spent five years making sure he didn’t find out. I didn’t want him to know where I was and what I was doing but now he does. I didn’t want him to know why I left him because he was so sweet and naive and I wanted to live the rest of my life ignorantly believing I helped him stay that way forever but everyone has to grow up sometime, even him I guess. but the boy that I left isn’t the same one that he is now and I’m not completely sure I quite fancy this new version of him. I told him everything, aside from how exactly I got here. I told him I was in trouble but I didn’t tell him why or how or what could happen, and I probably never will. there’s something inside me telling me not to believe a word he says, and honestly after all of the arguing we’ve done I think I’d rather face the people I’m running from than deal with him. if I don’t ever wake up next to him again, I feel like I got some closure. I feel like now he knows why I left and what I was protecting him from and he can’t be mad at me anymore. whether we’re a part of each other’s lives in the future or not. surprisingly enough though, most of my thoughts lately have been consumed by something other than harry or trying not to be found or what the fuck I’m gonna do when tour is over. I woke up today feeling like any confusion I had over the past few days was over, but I guess I was wrong. all of these feelings for jon are very unexpected and I’m not really sure where to put them. I feel like anyone that I spend time with is being put at risk, but he has a daughter and I feel like that makes the risk higher. this is all aside from the fact that I’m probably the last woman in the world anyone should want around their child, I don’t know anything about kids. he makes me feel good though, like content and I’d rather be talking to him than doing anything else. I’d rather be with him than doing anything else but I’m still on the fence about what I believe. I want to trust what he tells me but I’m not going to compete with anyone and it looks like that’s where this is going. whatever whatever whatever whatever.