#baukitten

she tilts her head back, blinking rapidly to try and stop any more tears from coming. tears need to be over and done with. tears are so twenty minutes ago. she presses the heel of her hand into her eye and it comes away dark with mascara. she doesn't even want to know what she looks like right now.

"i'm just tired, pen. i'll be alright after i sleep. which isn't going to happen for awhile, because i've got to fix everything so rossi can lead for - oh, i don't know, the next ten thousand years."

and she can't do that looking like she spent the past hour crying in her office. she would never get her job back then. if she ever did. if she even wants it.

she pushes her makeup bag closer to garcia.

"penelope, i swear to god -" she's lost herself a lot, this past year. little bits of herself along the way. deleting the recording of spencer. manipulating penelope into breaking protocols. the entire situation with voight -

she's picked herself back up. put herself back where she wants to be, where she belongs. she can't stop what the job has taken from her - the pain, the loss, the fear.

she can stop it from taking her, though.

               carol   gives   the   younger   a   warning   look.      this   here?      this   was   not   her   world.      her   world   was   out   there,   on   the   field   with   the   team   looking   at   crime   scenes   and   going   over   evidence.      being   stuck   in   penelope’s   bat   cave   filled   with   technology?      suffice   to   say   it   was   not   her   forte.

               you   need   to   recover,   but   if   you   insist   on   coming   back   to   work   you   can   stay   back   here   with   garcia.      hotch’s   words   are   on   repeat   in   her   head,   and   she’s   pissed   off.      so   what   if   she’d   been   shot   in   the   leg   three   times   last   week?      she’s   fine,   she   can   walk!      wasn’t   that   all   that   was   necessary   for   her   to   head   back   out   there   and   catch   some   more   fucked   up   individuals?      apparently   not   according   to   the   boss.      but   was   it   hotch’s   order,   or   was   it   strauss?      hell,   maybe   it   was   both.

"how did you know i was considering retiring to become a tea kettle?" she sounds completely serious. as if she's ever going to retire. no, she's going to die in this job. ask her which is worse: doing it while sitting behind the desk, or out in the field. she won't answer the question while looking you in the eye.