#battlingdepression

Because, like, once you remove all of those weights you start to relax a bit. It’s hard to explain, but in my personal experience, it really feels like I can finally get somewhere now that literally nothing is holding me back. 

I went from having anxiety attacks and feeling suicidal constantly to pretty much fully recovered with my own place and a job promotion. I never thought I would live this long. I never thought I could mentally handling being in charge of six workers and running a shift by myself. 

But it just took years of healing. The steps it took to get out, then to create my own space and find the right therapists and medication. The subtle validation when I realized that those things that happened were fucked up. It was wrong and I wasn’t crazy or sensitive or weak. 

Now, now that I’m finally out of there and able to think a little clearer, I am realizing that I can listen to Beyonce music! I used to avoid her like the plague because she’s (not) DeMoNiC. And then I realized that I can wear shoulder-less t-shirts. I can wear super thick eyeliner. I can flirt with girls or guys. I can stand up for myself when someone disrespects me. I can watch those Netflix shows my parents hated. I could go to a club if I wanted. I can try different alcohols. I can pursue being a firefighter if I wanted. 

There’s probably so much more I can do without even realizing it. 

It makes me tear up thinking about how far I’ve come. I’m finally at a point where I’m proud of myself for making it this far. 

The only reason I can talk to any stranger about any topic is because I was taught how. 

If you are knocking on their door, you have to first explain that you aren’t selling anything. Maybe chuckle a bit, step back, put your hands up. 

You then tell them, “I’m just in the neighborhood, inviting people to (an event that doesn’t seem too religious) and I would like to give you one. 

This even can really be anything. My cult does this “Friend Day” thing where they give out these bags of cookies with an invitation on it. This can also be something like “Love Works.” where you love bomb someone and then give them a tract (a card that is pretty to look at and has information about the church and stuff. Also the gospel) 

Then, if they seem open you can keep going. They may even open their door all the way at this point. 

You read that person’s body language to see if they are open to talking. Then you open with something like, “oh, do your (brightly colored) shoes make you run faster?” or “wow, I thought I was the only one who-” 

I remember taking a test about how you can always find something to talk to them about, something to break the ice an earn a sort of comradery. 

Profession (many people are open about where they work)

Property (I always loved praising people’s outfit, makeup, flowers, wallet)

And something else beginning with a P (like personal) 

You talk about the lawn ornaments, the car they have, the kids toys. You never bring up god in the beginning. 

Then, as you talk, you say, “I’m sorry, what was your name again?” And (I have practiced this multiple times, it works unfortunately) 95% percent of the time they will tell you their name. 

I remember my teacher then telling me that you use that name over and over again. Because they are more willing to participate in the conversation if you make them feel like they are the center of attention. 

Then, as the conversation goes on (and you feel “lead of the lord”) you gently steer the conversation towards things like, “oh! well hey, do you go to a church right now?” and then go from there. 

If the person you are witnessing to opens up about a certain trauma then you are supposed to share your own experiences, and how the lord worked through you in that time. 

It... it’s kinda scary because I’ve recently realized that not even salesmen use these tactics. Because they fucking work. My cult has over 5,000 people in the English speaking ministry, almost 2,000 for Spanish speaking, and then you have Korean, ASL, the bus ministry, the Sunday schools, the satellite churches that have 300 in average attendance, and the Livestream that is streamed all over the world. 

I’m not exaggerating. 

So. 

With that being said, do not be afraid to say, “I’m not interested.” And close the door in their face. (From experience, I can safely say that they don’t take it personally or hate you for it. It happens all the time.) It’s okay to give the tract back. It’s okay to tell your friend “I will never be interested in religion so please do not invite me again.” 

I deeply regret witnessing to people. Especially at work. Especially to friends outside of my circle. I regret politely pointing out the fallacies in their own religions. I regret lying to people and telling them that jesus helped me through rough times. 

Christianity especially is horrible because every time I thought “I shouldn’t be doing this.” it could be brushed aside with “well that’s what Satan wants you to think. Satan wants your friend to suffer and burn in hell for all eternity. You’re saving your friend/coworker/relative from that and giving them a change to live a happy life.” and I’d go on witnessing with even greater ferocity. 

But, now I have some hope for my future. I’m not in that life anymore.

 I can be happy for people when they open up to me about their religious success.

 I can comfort people as an empathetic human when they share the rough times.

 I can offer actual help instead of just saying “I’ll pray for you.” 

I can be happy for someone when they tell me about a career advancement that isn’t religious. 

I can go to sleep not caring if I won enough souls. Or worrying about my friends dying and going to hell because I didn’t witness to them.

I can make friends, and not feel fake or manipulative. I want to be their friend so that we can share things. Not because I want them to become a follower. 

I can go about my day not having to pretend that I’m okay because “sinners should see something different in you.” 

I can be comfortable around people who talk about ‘sinful’ stuff. Yeah, you’re single and have a kid. Go you. You got this. You’re fighting your smoking habit. Hell yeah, I’m there for ya. You like drinking beer? You want to hang out a bar maybe? I’m down. You want me to go with you to a rock concert? Oh my god yes!

Leaving religion was the hardest, but best decision of my life. The freedom is worth it. Please trust me on this. Give it a shot. Since I left, my anxiety is gone, my depression has slowly melted off, bit by bit. I have so much less stress.