#battlemallets

when there’s only one slice of pizza left

Me coming to the cookie platter

A bad idea, I know.  I was thinking about if chaos gods from warhammer played the trading card game Magic: the Gathering, and here are my results.

KHORNE refuses to play the game, saying it’s “stupid”.  He would probably play red, or maybe stax/control out of spite.  He would be a sore loser and would always blame his draws or the other players’ shenanigans

TZEENTCH goes online and finds the three best decks, then finds a deck that perfectly counters those decks.  He lets it slip that he’s going to build that deck and win, but he has researched the deck that counters the decks that counter the deck he’s supposed to play, and he plays that deck.

NURGLE builds a fun deck that all his daemons pitch in with.  The result is a huge, mismatched monstrosity.  Nurgle refuses to chump block because he feels bad for the blockers.

“f(x) = y^2,  f(x) = y^2.01,  f(x) = y^2.03,  f(x) = y^2.02,  f(x) = y^2.1,  f(x) = y^2.05,  f(x) = y^2.09...

Plaguebearer info:

https://warhammer40k.fandom.com/wiki/Plaguebearer

I’ve started collecting Warhammer 40,000 and I have named my Death guard models and given them personalities.  I don’t know why.

Top left is Andy/Antlers.  He gets annoyed with the other marines sometimes because they call them antlers but they are actually horns, but he’s got a sharp tongue so he’s okay with it.

Top right is Pierce.  He has a pointy fence and a big air tank.  This is because he had a weak immune system.  He laughs about it now and tries to call in sick.  (This is funny because he is a Plague Marine.)  Because he has a fence, he pretends to sell people stolen things.  He is also trying to fence, but all he has is a mace so it is hard.  He is a one for the puns, is Pierce!

Middle is spike.  He has chains and a gun.  He has a big mouth because he likes eating.  He yells Pew! whenever he shoots the gun.  He likes to say things and has a lot of catchphrases, like “pew!” and “cronch” and “wait, I don’t have a jaw!  How can I cronch?” and “I will win the battle because I have a better gun and more chains!”  He says everything like a catchphrase!  He is fun to have around.

Bottom left is Sarge.  He talks about Nurgle a lot and says that Nurgle is our sarge (and everyone’s sarge), not him.  This is why we call him Sarge.  We also call him Sarge because he is bossy but has the best plans so we listen to him, but if he gets too bossy we all go “Sarge!” really loud so he stops to talk about Nurgle.

Bottom left is Piper.  She has lots of pipes to make clouds of disease smoke and stuff.  She likes to say “totally tubular because she has tubes!  She is also good at mechanics.  We know because she made the pipes and also tied her knife to her gun.  She is the brains of the operation, as we say.

funny guys: Nurgle, Orks

cool monster dudes: Nurgle, Tyranids, Tzeench

Jerkfaces: Imperium

Woah don’t cut yourself on that edge: Imperium, Corn, Slaanesh, necrons (they robot skeletons), some Eldar

Tropers: T‘au, Orks, Eldar, Necrons(?)