#bashfulfruit

Natsu - Art Trade

Also Crasher-vania

bashfulfruit replied to your post:send me halloween songs!

Bonetrousle because its spooky no matter what time of year

Motivational quotes have never really seemed to work for me. I understand where people who like them are coming from, colorful images over sunsets, people running, and pretty scenery about following your dreams and never giving up. And...with how I was last year, they, well, didn’t seem to help at all. Actually it kinda seemed like it was mocking me because I couldn’t get it right. Picking myself up and ‘just doing it’ wasn’t helping. However, there is one exception.

Around this time last year, Undertale came out. I was hesitant to play it when I first heard of it (how could you past me), but soon fell in love with it. I might not have gotten as involved as other fans, but it wouldn’t leave my mind as much as Bonetrousle wouldn’t leave my head. And while this little indie game was funny, clever, heartbreaking, and giving everyone determination, one line stuck with me. “Despite everything, it’s still you.”

At the time when playing this, I was mentally and emotionally on autopilot. I told myself that my problems weren’t as important, they could be put on the back-burner. Especially, the woman that I filled in for, who had gotten non-hodgkin's lymphoma but was still managing to smile through her treatments. In my head, I told myself I didn’t matter, all that mattered was trying to help. And while that seems very noble and inspirational, it really took a toll on me

I have tried to re-write this, so many times, that little saying always being the main point. Some were full of frustration, all at myself. They seemed a bit too angsty and whiny when I tried to read them. Some were a bit more inspirational, focusing on running, being thrown into a different work situation beyond expectations and managing it. But, it just felt like parts were missing, I couldn’t find a right balance. Sure, not everything was tragedy filled, there were moments I could be proud of and want to remember! But, it was 90% angst/ 10% happy.

My mind had a conflicting double standard to follow. You had to be helpful, on-point, ready for anything, a necessary component, and expect to get everything right on the first try. Yet, you were a piece of garbage, everyone secretly hates you, you’re just a temp nothing more, any little mistake mean’s you’ll be screamed at/fired/or told to leave, and you can’t do ANYTHING right.

I was exhausted, and didn’t feel like myself anymore. I couldn’t apologize for all my actions fast enough. I didn’t feel very much at that point, and when I did it was a combination of frustration, worry, anger, loathing, and any negative emotion you could possibly name. I didn’t want to be burden, and even though I had friends/family who would support me through anything, I didn’t tell them the full story.

It didn’t make any sense to me. I was preparing myself for a half marathon, had therapy once a week, some somewhat stable job, paying my loans and my bills easily, shouldn’t I be HAPPY? Or at least okay. Instead of crying in my car two times a week, having Animal Crossing open to calm my mind before I fell asleep, stop drawing almost entirely, forgetting to eat at times, the hidden bathroom panic attacks, and just wanting everything to stop.

Now, here’s where I tell you the part where I’m better and have a magical answer to how I fixed my problems. Sort of. It took time, a wonderful gardening summer job, more therapy, video games, and a rising Zoloft prescription for me to feel like things were stable. The world wasn’t crashing anymore, things are calmer. This is the most relaxed I have felt in the past several years, almost like as if this is only the eye of the hurricane. I know this is not the end of my problems, there will be things that bring me back to that helpless, anxious feeling in an instant. It’s not a happy ending, but the climax is over.

So, it’s been a year since I didn’t feel like myself anymore. I wanted to draw this for a long time, fully colored through photoshop and have this sleek image. But, I’m working on getting myself to draw again, a messy marker sketch captures the feeling better. Not polished but still making it work.

This might not work for everyone, and that’s okay. If anyone takes anything from this, there are going to be days, weeks, or even years where things are going to be awful. Times where you are struggling, and no amount of happy thoughts and quotes over pictures of sunsets will hope. Everyone has their own struggles, it doesn’t make yours any less valid or important even if someone has it worse.

From [here]

—

4. They don’t pay.

The jangle of coins clinking together aroused the attentionof the demonkin.  Having searched thepredetermined location and failing to find the man, he guessed right that hewould be in a nearby alley.  Even thoughhe finally found him, it did nothing to help his annoyance of being told thewrong spot.

“Finally found me. Quick work, I like that,” the middle-aged human quipped, a wry smirkplastered on his less than appealing mug. His pockmarked face was sloppily hidden underneath a royal blue hood,failing to conceal him underneath.  “Lookslike I hired the right kid.”

“I can see why you needed to hire an informant,” Karreogrunted dismissively.  “Can’t even getthe name of the meeting place correct.”

The man responded with a careless shrug.  “Had to test your mettle.  Aren’t you a bit young for this kind ofthing?”

He was used to hearing this sort of talk.  ‘Too young’ and ‘shouldn’t you be homegetting ready for school’ were the typical comments.  Being only twelve, he knew many would notfully trust his information gathering abilities, yet he was struggling to shiftinto a form which looked ‘old enough’. If he did, he could not figure out how to get his height to change, somany mistook him for a halfling or someone his own age, anyway.  This guy was no different.  

“I don’t like to be tested,” Karreo snapped, narrowing hiseyes.  “If you felt I was too young, thendon’t hire me next time.”  Shaking hishead in irritation, he reached into his cloak, he pulled out a plump envelope.  “It’s all here.  Now your end.”

His client waved his hand dismissively, ignoring theindignation he caused.  Dropping thecoins back into his pocket, he unbuckled a pouch to reveal a hotel keycard.  Swapping possessions, the man shook his headchuckling.  

“I don’t know why you’d need something like this, but Iprogrammed it for room 522,” the man remarked, scratching his head.  “I would’ve thought you’d need to get a cardfor someone’s actual room, not an empty one.”

Karreo remained silent.

“Suit yourself, kid.” The man shrugged and squished the envelope into a pants pocket one sizetoo small.  “By the way, if this is allof the tax fraud reports, why don’t you work for the mob or something?  I’m sure you could get a lot more than asmall hotel room for a night.”

“They don’t pay.”  ‘Atleast not in what I’m looking for…’

“Don’t pay!  Ha!  I’m sure you’d be swimming up to youreyeballs in money before you know it!”  Pattingthe plump envelope half sticking out of his visible pocket, the humansmiled.  “Anywho, nice work, kid.  Just remember to keep the key on thenightstand when you’re done, I’ll pick it up tomorrow while the cleaners gothrough.”  With that, the man trotted offout of the alleyway.

w

Heh...

Its really been awhile since I’ve given Syndara such a polished picture. I was kinda going for the “dramatic hair blowing in the breeze anime opening” kinda look haha.

Its been a struggle for me artistically, I don’t even want to look at my tablet somedays. Even this picture took me 1-2 months on and off, and that makes me sad on a whole nother level. Hopefully, with me finishing this, it can help me move past that a little bit.