#barson fic

***

Brown guilty eyes and little white lies

Yeah, I played dumb but I always knew

That you'd talk to her, maybe did even worse

I kept quiet so I could keep you

Olivia Benson always seemed to have a glassy look in her eyes. If she was sad, angry, happy - her eyes would gloss over and she would seem to be just one simple word away from having tears slip down her cheeks and her body rock with sobs. But that special thing about Olivia Benson was that she was strong. No matter how sad, angry, or happy she got, Olivia wouldn’t break down. It was a blessing and a curse. She could help each victim through their investigations and trials with such vigor that her passion alone could make the defendants want to make a plea deal right then and there, but Olivia didn’t know when it was the right time for her to take that moment for herself and breathe.

That was until A.D.A. Rafael Barba made a place for himself in her world. Olivia was ecstatic to have another powerful being added to her small army of justice seekers. Seeing Rafael strut around the courtroom with his quick wit and an equally quick mouth made Olivia swell with admiration and respect towards the Cuban man. Even after his first case that he worked on with SVU, Olivia knew that Rafael was a man who could be trusted, not just as a fellow colleague, but as a friend.

You and Rafael had started dating around the time that he started working with Special Victims. When Rafael first told you of his new job months ago, you were obviously happy for him. Getting justice to those who needed it the most made you feel proud of your boyfriend. You both knew how hard these cases would be to prosecute but you knew your boyfriend. He was too smart for his own good and would certainly work himself into an early grave but his job was all for a greater good.

Over the course of a year, you saw your boyfriend transform into an even stronger attorney. But something inside of him changed. He definitely had a fire lit within him but he was also sad. A part of him knew that after he closed one case with a successful guilty verdict and handed the victim a full plate of justice for their trauma, dozens of more cases would be slapped onto his desk by his assistant before he could even get down the courthouse steps. Constantly seeing victims come forward with their traumas - physically, mentally, and emotionally - was hard not just for Rafael, but for the rest of the SVU team.

You would try your best to help him deal with his pain. You never knew about all the gory details because Rafael would never disclose them to you. He wanted to keep you safe. He didn’t want you to become jaded like he would soon be with each new case that would introduce him to just how disgusting and horrible people could be. And the fact that they were walking around the same planet, let alone the same streets as you and him - it made his blood boil and his mouth filled with a foul taste.

You would bring him a fresh cup of coffee. Or make a favorite meal with the recipe that you got from his mother. You would hug him and kiss him. You would listen to him voice his thoughts - even if they weren’t one hundred percent honest. When you confronted him about it, he paused, grabbed your hands, and said, “Thank you for worrying, mi amor.” You blinked. “I’ve been talking about it with some... colleagues, though. I think it’s been helping.” He pressed his lips to your forehead before asking you what you wanted for dinner that night. You gave a small nod when he suggested Mexican.

Over the next few weeks, you noticed Rafael become happier. While he was still jaded to a point, he was always seemingly reminded how there were people out there who would try to be their best like their own life depended on it. Like the only reason they existed on the Earth was to remind people that they could be better whilst also being given compassion.

***

If Rafael was asked about who he admired the most, he would certainly have to pause. He would need to know the overall context. He admired his mother and Abuela dearly. Those two women raised him to be the strong and headstrong man that he was today. He would consider his childhood best friend, Alejandro Muñoz. Alex was a boy who had charisma, drive, and showed kindness to Rafael when no other boys would. Even his own mother adored Alex. The last person he would consider for his admiration would be Olivia Benson. Ever since he met her, she was the poster child for what SVU stood for. If Rafael had been a mad scientist, he would have copied Olivia thousands of times and sent the army into the streets of New York. Rafael would be sure that crime would disappear overnight and the world would find peace.

But he couldn’t do that.

And so instead, he became friends with Olivia. The two would spend more and more time together. Whenever his office door would be pushed open without Rafael’s permission, he was always ready to bark and bare his teeth to whoever tried to interrupt his work, but all of that would be swallowed down when Olivia walked in. She would either have a sad smile on her face from having to give Barba a new case or it would be scowling and bubbling with anger because she had just gotten bad news about a current case.

Rafael didn’t like either of those looks. But he did enjoy what came out of it - conversation. Olivia and Rafael had gotten into the habit of talking with each other. Things seemed to flow so easily between them. After a particularly horrid case that involved children who were scarred for life because of some rotten man who betrayed their trust - Rafael hadn’t gone to you to talk about it. He knew he should have. Hours after the guilty verdict was won, Rafael had found himself in a cab and told the driver to head over to the precinct. He made his way through the eerily quiet police station.

The bullpen was empty. Amanda had gone home to her daughter. Fin had a dinner reservation with his son and son’s fiancee. Nick had the weekend off for a short trip to D.C. to see his daughter who lived with his ex-wife. Carisi was probably in one of his night classes. And the light on in Olivia’s office would tell Rafael that she was still here. Before he reached the door, his phone vibrated in his pocket. He dug for it and the screen lit up with a text message.

Working late?

Rafael’s tongue flickered over his lips. His thumb hovered over the keyboard, mind reeling.

Yes.

When the text was sent, the door to Olivia’s office opened. Rafael’s gaze flickered up as his fingers fumbled to lock his phone as it let out a quick buzz. You had texted back but Rafael didn’t read it. He eventually made his way home hours later.

It was late. You were already asleep in your shared bed. Rafael’s heart was thrumming so loud in his chest that he thought it would wake you up. He felt a thickness in his throat. He thought he was going to throw up. Stepping out into the living room, he fell back onto the couch with tears in his eyes. He ran his hands over his face. His fingers struggled to loosen the tie around his neck. He felt claustrophobic. He felt hot. Pushing his suit jacket off, he blinked quickly. His vision was getting blurry. He tossed his jacket onto the coffee table as his fingers went to his tie again but they didn’t reach their destination.

His jacket made a louder thud than normal. Taking a shaky breath, he reached for it and grabbed his phone. His vision blurred again as his screen lit up with two texts.

Thank you for tonight, Rafa.

That was from Olivia.

The tears finally slipped down his face when he read the second text that was from you.

Don’t work too hard. I love you, Rafi.

Rafael slept on the couch that night. When you found him the next morning, you were confused and worried. Practically jumping from the couch from his weak slumber, his lips pushed against yours, hard. His hands held your face in a vice and when his lips weren’t kissing yours, they were mumbling “I love you.”

You didn’t know why, but you felt sick.

***

You had only met the SVU team a few times. They were quite a memorable bunch. Each detective had their own quirks. You found that Amanda and Fin shared the habit of gossiping. The two of them had come up to you numerous times - whether when you visited the precinct or met at Forlini’s after a long day of work - and asked you about any dirty secrets about the very private A.D.A. Despite their nagging, you found them to be friendly and funny.

Nick seemed to be brooding whenever you saw him. And from the information that was given to you from Amanda, you understood why. That man seemed to never catch a break. But he was still polite. He bristled whenever Rafael’s name was brought up and you could put it together that the two Latino men have gone head to head more than once.

Sonny was maybe your favorite. He was a charismatic Italian man with an accent that took some getting used to and he was so eager to learn new things. He told you about his night school classes and how he wanted to be a lawyer. One time at Forlini’s when you were both grabbing some refills at the bar, he had quietly asked you, “I don’t uh, wanna sound weird or anything-” he peeked over his shoulder, before leaning closer to you, “but uh, what does Bahr-bah like? Like, I know he likes coffee and stuff, but whenever I try to be nice to him... He just-” Sonny’s cheeks started to get pink. Probably more than they normally would since he had a few drinks already. “I’m studying to be a lawyer and he’s really good, you know. Couldn’t hurt to get on his good side.”

You awed at the man, pinching one of his cheeks before telling him of Rafael’s favorite brand of bourbon. You warned him of the price but with the holidays coming up, maybe it wouldn’t be looked at as something too outrageous to get. Sonny gave you a hard nod and you could tell he was trying to lock that information in his intoxicated brain.

When you met Olivia, it was… weird.

While you had met the rest of the SVU team here and there, you met Olivia late one night. Rafael had texted you earlier that evening. Working late, love. He had texted you a variation of that message every day that week. You barely saw him in the mornings when the two of you did the early morning dance of getting ready for your jobs. A quick peck on the lips would be the only physical contact you would have until the next morning since you were typically asleep by the time he came home.

But it was a Friday. You were hoping he would come home at a reasonable time with the weekend coming up. Wanting to do something for your boyfriend, you made dinner and packed up a portion for you and a portion for him, and left your shared apartment hoping to distract your hard-working boyfriend for a little while.

The night air was chilly and 1 Hogan Place was practically empty. You passed a security guard, flashing him a smile and your reasoning for being there so late. His brows knitted up, grunting out, “I don’t think anyone here’s ma’am.” But he let you head over to Rafael’s office without much of a fight.

The hallways were empty and the offices you passed were dark. You could hear the faint sound of a machine of some sort that was down another hallway. A janitor was waxing the floors of the immaculate building. When you finally reached the familiar outcove of Rafael’s office, you saw Carmen’s desk. Papers, sticky notes, and Rafael’s schedule were plastered all over her desk. A button flashed on the phone, ready to let her know that there was a plethora of messages to listen to when she clocked in the next morning.

When you stepped over to Rafael’s office, the door was shut, which wasn’t unusual. But it was dark. Your brows furrowed, adjusting the tote bag that held your freshly cooked meal on your shoulder. Your hand grabbed the handle and tried to turn it.

Locked.

Your lips twisted as you tried to think. You grabbed your phone from your pocket, opening up the thread of messages between you and Rafael. You read his last message for a long time. He’s working late. So where is he? You gave the knob another try as if it would magically open but nothing. You even rapped your knuckle against the wood, the hoarse whisper of Rafael’s name filled the small room.

You took a step back from the door, finger shakily finding Rafael’s contact. The line trilled loudly and your mind was filled with awful thoughts. “Please,” You begged down the phone, “Rafi, please-” The trilling stopped and you took a breath.

“You’ve reached Rafael Barba. Please leave your name, number, and message. My office number is-” You ended the call. You felt like you couldn’t breathe. Your head felt dizzy and the tote bag on your shoulder felt like it was a thousand pounds. It slid off your shoulder and your hand gripped the straps hard as it knocked against your leg, inches above the carpeted floor.

Your other hand redialed Rafael. When you listened to his voicemail for the fifth time, your eyes were watery and you could barely see what was around you in the dimly lit room. Your feet were guiding you through the building, and past the security guard with speed. The guard looked up at you briefly as you flew by him before going back to his phone.

You didn’t know what to do. Do you call the police? Do you keep trying his cell? The New York streets were dark and you knew that you shouldn’t be out and about. Especially on the verge of tears. After listening to Rafael’s voicemail for another time, you searched your contacts as best as you could. The words on your phone were blurred and you squeezed your eyes shut to stop it. When you opened them again with a sniffle of your nose, you found Amanda’s contact.

She answered on the fourth trill, “Hello?” She paused like she was seeing who was calling her. When she saw your name, she put the phone back to her ear and said your name, confused. You had never called Amanda before.

You tried your best to steady your voice, “I don’t know where he is.”

“Who?”

You sniffled again, “Rafael-” A tremble rocked through your body as you watched a cab pass by. “I-I don’t know where he is. H-he’s not answering his phone. He’s not at his office. Amanda-” A tear slipped down your cheek and you wiped it away harshly.

Amanda took in a breath. “Alright,” There was a rustling over the phone like she was moving around her apartment. “Calm down, okay? Where are you?” You heard the clunk of shoes and the jingle of keys. You told her that you were outside of Hogan Place. “Okay, get to the precinct. Text me when you get there. I’ll call everyone else and we’ll meet you there, okay?” Amanda’s voice was stern but even you in your almost blubbering state could hear the tremble of uncertainty. Amanda knew Barba enough to know that him not answering his phone was out of character.

You nodded at her words before assuring her in words. She hung up with a click and you adjusted the tote bag onto your other shoulder, needing to give your right arm a break. Your coat sleeve was brought up to your cheeks, trying to soak up the wetness that trailed down your face. Hoping you didn’t look too scary or vulnerable, you hailed down a cab and told him to bring you over to the 16th precinct.

The precinct was only slightly more alive with life than Hogan Place. You exited the elevator onto the floor where Special Victims was with your stomach in knots. You made your way to the bullpen, passing some cops who were stuck with the night shift. You found Amanda’s desk which was marked with the various pictures of Jesse and slumped the tote of cold food onto the desk. Now free of the dead weight, your hands went to cover your eyes as you tried to steady your breathing.

You had sent Rafael a handful of texts in the cab ride over.

Raf, please pick up.

Hello?? Are you ok??

Call me, please.

Please.

I can’t have anything happen to you.

Your hands dropped from your face and your body perked when you heard something… a laugh? You blinked a few times, needing to adjust to the lights in the bullpen. You took in the room, glancing at all the desks of the detectives until your eye caught the sliver of light coming from behind a door. Your eyes drifted up the wood. A small window was in the middle of the door, a small curtain drawn. Then, you saw the plaque above it.

Captain Olivia Benson.

Your chest heaved when you read it. She can help! A thankful smile graced your lips as you ran over the door. Your hand twisted the handle with lightning speed and you pushed the door open with your whole body. You didn’t care if it would be looked at as rude. The only thing on your mind was finding Rafael. And even though you haven’t met Olivia yet, Rafael had mentioned more than enough times that she was a good cop.

You practically fell into the room, your gaze landing on the wide-eyed brunette who was sitting at her desk. “I-I’m so sorry,” Your lips were moving fast, “I-I need help finding my boyfr-”

You cut yourself off. A noise of disbelief bubbled from your throat. Your hand still gripped the handle of the door and you thought you were going to rip the entire slab of wood off the hinges. You blinked rapidly, trying to see if the scene in front of you was some hallucination. Like some weird, absurd dream. Or a nightmare. Would this be considered a nightmare?

In the office that you barged into, sat Olivia Benson at her desk. Her hair was down, her eyes were wide and worried. She didn’t know who you were. She immediately thought of you as a woman who needed to report an assault or worse, a rape. But when she heard you start to explain your reasoning being there - before you cut yourself off - she was still worried and would help. She was just relieved. The team had just closed a rough case involving multiple rapes on the West Side. Having a softball of a case would be preferred, even if it wasn’t a sex crime. Olivia had on a form-fitting t-shirt. Her blazer was hung on the back of her chair. In front of her was a few white boxes of Chinese takeout. She had dropped one of her chopsticks onto her desk when you had barged in.

But Olivia wasn’t what you were looking at.

In the chair sitting on the other side of her desk was Rafael Barba. When you first came into the office, his back was to you and he was slurping on a noodle. His chest struggled for air as he choked on his food. When he turned to face the intruder of his late night dinner with Olivia, his jaw dropped.

His eyes flickered over your appearance. Your jacket was pulled tightly against your body to keep you warm from the chilly New York night. Your eyes were red and swollen. Your cheeks glistened in the light of the office. He could see the invisible trails your tears had carved out on your face. He tossed the white carton he was holding onto Olivia’s desk without care to where or how it landed and stood up quickly, wiping his mouth from the grease of the noodles.

“Cariño,” He whispered as his head filled with the same thoughts Olivia had moments ago. Why were you here? What happened to you? Did you get raped? He stepped towards you, arms outstretched to grab you and pull you into a hug but you took a swift step back. His brows furrowed as he watched you. After saying your name and taking another step, you kept the distance between you two.

Your brain felt empty. Walking in on this late night work session had absolutely wiped your mind. You stood in your spot as Rafael watched you cautiously and Olivia stood up from her seat. She didn’t say anything. She just watched. As your whole being rebooted itself, your gaze looked anywhere other than Rafael and Olivia.

You took in the decorated office. Shelves with books. File cabinets were in the corner, filled with cases that went all the way back to the ’90s. There was a small couch against one of the walls. You saw pictures on the wall - some of Olivia, some of nameless people, some of a small boy. You didn’t look at Rafael until he said your name again. It was stern. He wanted to know what the hell happened to you.

His green eyes locked with you and for the first time, you hated to look at them. Your bottom lip was sucked into your mouth and you chewed on it. The hamster wheel in your brain hadn’t started running again yet. You were surprised at how calm you were right at that moment. Rafael was hesitant, but he took a half step towards you. He didn’t want to scare you off like you were some small wild animal. When he moved towards you, your gaze hardened and he saw it.

He got the first syllable of your name out before you finally spoke, “I thought you were dead.” His eyes widened again and he looked at you like you had three heads. You took a deep breath in and out through your nose. “I went to Hogan Place.” Your grip tightened on the handle and Olivia watched as your knuckles tried to break through the skin of your hand. “I made dinner and decided to bring it over to you at your office. You said you were working late and we hadn’t seen each other much this week.” You looked over at the cartons of food that sat on Olivia’s desk taunting you. “Your office was locked. Empty.”

Your free hand went to your hair. Your fingers threaded through your hair and you gripped the strands in frustration before speaking, “I called you. Probably twenty times.” Rafael’s eyes moved from your face and to the carpet of Olivia’s office. His stature began to slump the more you went on. “I texted. I-I,” you shook your head, “I thought you probably went home early but when you didn’t pick up, I thought the worst had happened.”

Olivia watched you. She took in how you were trying so hard not to yell or cry at Rafael. Your eyes had that oh so familiar shine to them. “I didn’t know what to do. If I should call the cops,” You had added a slight snicker to the last word, “so I called Amanda. She told me to come here and wait for her. I saw your office light was on,” You locked eyes with Olivia, speaking directly to her like Rafael wasn’t even there. “And Rafael has always told me how amazing you are as a cop. The best he’s ever met.” Rafael’s throat bobbed as he swallowed. “But you’re fine.” You finally looked at him again. He lifted his head and his heart pounded in his ears. He winced when you spoke again, “I’ll leave you to finish your work.”

You didn’t intend to slam the door of the office of a woman you had just met but your blood was boiling through your body. Your coat felt like a cocoon of heat. You ran a hand through your hair, trying to think, trying to process. You didn’t even hear the elevator ding, alerting the arrival of Amanda who was leading the pack of a yawning Fin, a furrowed brow Nick, and a Sonny who was mumbling about an assignment for one of his classes.

The four of them looked at you, standing in the middle of the bullpen, pulling at your own hair. They could visibly see that you weren’t currently in the real world. You were stuck in your head. Amanda stepped forward, placing a hand on your shoulder. You jumped at the touch, eyes snapping over to the blonde. She was taken aback by your energy. Something felt off.

“Are you okay?” She whispered to you.

You shook your head.

Nick jumped in, “When was the last time you heard from him?”

“He said he was heading here after the trial,” You heard Sonny say. While Sonny didn’t mean anything by the statement, it felt like the lanky detective had thrown a hard punch directly to your chest. You let out a sharp chuckle. It was dry, cold. Amanda’s face contorted into confusion.

“Hey,” Fin grabbed the attention of the other men, “Cap is still here. We should let her know he’s missin’.” Fin made his way over to the office door of Olivia and rapped a knuckle against the window. The sound of the glass being tapped made your legs start to move you towards the elevator. Your shoes echoed in the quiet bullpen. Sonny made a noise of confusion, watching you leave. His thumb was pointed over in your direction as he looked over at Amanda.

Amanda called your name, ready to ask you what was up when the door to Olivia’s office opened. Fin scowled before stepping back. Olivia let out a shaky breath, stepping out into the bullpen. Your finger jabbed the button to call the elevator. You heard Nick grumble and Amanda let out a “huh?” The four detectives watched as Rafael stepped out of Olivia’s office. His hands were in the pockets of his pants.

“What the hell is happening?” That was Amanda.

“I thought you were missing?” Fin said.

You heard the ding of the elevator and the doors slid open. Rafael watched you as you stepped into the small box and when he heard the doors closed, he saw the colorful tote bag that was resting on Amanda’s desk. The food inside of it was empty of any heat.

Cold.

Rotting.

“I don’t know.” he groaned, turning to slouch on the couch, yanking at his tie and flinging across the room in frustration.

She took a deep breath and watched him for a moment, his elbows on his legs as he bowed his head and ran his fingers through his hair. She sighed and bit her lip moving to sit next to him.

“I’m sorry.” she whispered, but he didn’t turn his head and laughed quietly.

“No, you’re not.” he said softly, and she frowned, “and you shouldn’t be. You have every right to be angry. I should have told you before, I just…oh I don’t know.”

“You can’t seriously be considering a permanent job with that firm, Rafael.”

“It’s good money, ‘Liv. And I can’t keep bouncing from one thing to another, not now. We need stability, how can I support my family if I don’t know where my next paycheck is coming from?”

“You know that’s a really old-fashioned way of thinking.” she chuckled, giving him an affectionate smile.

“Well, I’m an old-fashioned guy.” he laughed softly, leaning back against the couch, and giving her a loving smile. “I just meant you and Noah deserve more. I take my responsibilities seriously. I promised you I would never let you down and right now I feel like I’m doing exactly that.”

“You’re not, and if you decide to take the job, I will stick by you. It was just the thought of…”

“Defending rapists and murders?”

She nodded.

“I thought the same thing.” he said quietly, rubbing his palm over his thigh repeatedly, his skin clammy.

“But there’s something else bothering you?” she whispered, taking his hand in hers and squeezing it gently, reassuring him that she was there and not about to run away.

“A permanent job means we can make plans, ‘Liv. I was hoping we could start thinking about our future.”

She gave him a puzzled expression and he sighed, avoiding her eyes, and blushing slightly.

“Maybe we could look at houses, somewhere quieter, with a yard for Noah. You’re not going to want to marry me if I can’t offer you anything, Olivia.”

“You really think that I need any of that, Rafael? I want you. Job or no job. Hell, we could live on a dollar a day and as long we all had somewhere to sleep, food on the table and each other, I would be happy.”

He gave her a gentle smile and brought their joined hands up to his mouth, pressing a tender kiss to the back of her hand before she spoke again. “Besides you haven’t asked me yet.”

He laughed and tugged her into his side, their hands untangling so he could curl her into his side and hold her to his chest, her face pressed into the crook of his neck.

“I had another job offer, which is actually what I was going to tell you before Rita opened her big mouth.” he murmured into her hair and she tilted her head back to kiss his cheek, sitting up to make sure her attention was solely on him.

“There’s an opening at Columbia. I had a phone call from them yesterday, it’s a good salary, really good in fact, with all the benefits, and obviously weekends off and a certain degree of flexibility with Noah and your working hours.”

“Teaching? Wow! It sounds perfect, Rafael.” But she frowned when she saw him staring off into the distance and looking less than thrilled. “So why am I getting the impression you’re not keen?”

He shrugged and it became clear to her immediately.

“They contacted you, which means they want you. The past is irrelevant. Your reputation as a brilliant lawyer with a phenomenal conviction rate has preceded you. They will have done a thorough check into your credentials and anything else they found; they have obviously thought isn’t important.”

“Do you really think so?” he asked in a timid whisper.

“I know so. And if you want to get it off your chest, speak to them about it. Arrange a meeting and bring it up so you know where you stand.”

“I think I’ll do that. They wanted me to go to campus next week anyway.”

“There you go. It’ll all work out, Rafa.”

He laughed and pulled her forward to kiss her tenderly, cupping her face in his warm hands. “Your faith amazes me.” he murmured, pulling back only enough to speak, their breaths still mingling.

“Sometimes a little faith and a lot of love is all we have.”

“So about earlier, is this where I make it up to you?”

She chuckled and arched an eyebrow. “You can certainly try.”

***