#bark.vent

this is probably fine

Her abelism is just as bad though! She's a frequent user of the R slur, make constant "jokes"/comments about ppl she doesn't like being "braindead" or

i dont want to miss him. i dont want to crave the way i felt when i was sitting with him. holding him. looking through to him. i dont want to crave it so deeply. i.. dont love him anymore i dont miss any of them. but he was there for me and could aknowledge me in a way i dont think that many people could have or can. i just am so frustrated by the whole thing. i'm in a remarkably better relationship and i definitly do not want the relationship we had or them in my life at all. but the feelings. the feeling of being known to someone on a level no body has since or had before. and then it being used to grab my heart soul body brain and pull it out of my chest ?? and then take the knife and fucking root around in my chest carving out any sense of healing id even been able to do in the face of years and years and years of working and holding this shit and just fucking being so damn goof at not fuvking killing myswlf. and they have the fucking nerve to say shit like "i never loved him anyway" which not only do i know is a lie but also the fact that not only does that dismiss all the feeeelings about the whole thing and just shove them away like it never fucking happened but wjat about the years we spent on disc or the months we spent on vc or the years of chat logs b4 we met up before they turned into the worst imaginable thing for us. like did that part not ever matter.?? i got engaged to him in that period of time.. i saced his life in sys more than once and irl after that i saved his life at least twice. like.. if he didnt love me after that then i guess im fucking stupid for even thinking he would. he fuckin foooled me ig. i couldve sworn oda loved me though he seemed so genuine so true and whole the fact that he also doesnt want anything to do with me feel super bad to the unresolved shit ive got with him like. he wasnt scared of my 'being a terrifingly dangerous child' when i regressed and he never got mad at me for yelling at him or taking out my anger around him. unlike chuuya who just fucking yelled back. fat lotta good that did ever but whatever thats stupid. just. im so tired of the feelings the stupid unbeatable feelings crashing over me all the fucking time. i hate it im exhausted and after over a fucking decade of this shit im so over it. i want off this fucking ride right now. im over trying to be a better person or trusting people or fucking preserving whatever we think it worth it. taking chnaces on people who dont fucking deserve it im over it im so tired of being toyed with and run around like it doesnt mean anything to anyone. im over it. nobody is going to care then whatever its not fucking worth it.