#baptistmemes

There is always a Baptist church where you least expect it. In the middle of the city. In the middle of the corn field. In the middle of nowhere. In the middle of everywhere. They know where you are.  

It’s handshaking time. Everyone shakes your hand. Everyone shakes your hand. Do not let the huggers near you. You will regret it.

“Father Abraham had many sons. Many sons had father Abraham.” You have been singing this from birth. Where did you learn it? When did you learn it? Why is every child singing this? The children stare at you, mouths moving, hands flailing. You wake up drenched in sweat on the pew.

“Stand up for Bible reading”. You take your Bible. It’s an NIV. You look at it. It is now a KJV. You take out your phone to check your Bible app. Your phone is now a miniature King James Bible. You look in your other hand. You have another Authorized Version in it. You look up. Everyone is saying “Thou”.

If there is no potluck after the service, run. Leave. They are hungry. You are hungry. They call it “fellowship after church”, but I call it “starvation if you do not get away”.

I got caught in fellowship once. Time stood still. Then I blinked and I was back in church for night service. I blinked again and I was in the midweek service. You will not escape. 

Church is on Sunday. Chick Fil A is closed on Sundays. You are always in church. Chick Fil A is always closed.

There’s a life Baptist churches live that you don’t even know about. A typical Baptist church eats and eats new members until they grow up to be megachurches. When this happens, megachurches eat smaller churches until one reigns in the food chain. Then the megachurch dies and they become many churches. This is the cycle of life. The country churches are exempt as they flee the carnage.