#bananablogs

"every time i start to believe" - every time he gets a glimpse into who he used to be - every time his memory is jogged by something and he "malfunctions". every time he gets the faintest bit of hope

"something's raped and taken from me" - do i rlly gotta say it 💔 ok but besides the obvious, this something being his memory - every time he regains something, even more is ripped away from him through mind erasure, he physically cannot keep a single fading memory to himself

"life's gotta always be messin with me (you wanna see the light)" - pretty self explanatory. the people in his life fucking with him

"can't they chill and let me be free?" - as above so below

"can't i take away all this pain? i try to every night all in vain, in vain" - his pointless attempts at piecing his life together, all of it to be in vain at its erased anyways

"sometimes i cannot take this place" - this place as in the vault he's kept in, or maybe siberia, whichever works

"sometimes it's my life i can't taste" - once again about his past life. his life fading away along with his senses (random tidbit: i like to imagine his sense of taste is extremely dulled since he was probably fed only though iv. id say its the only one of his senses that isnt heightened as the rest are useful during missions i'd assume. so i think everythings 100x louder for him and he has great vision etc)

"sometimes i cannot feel my face" - the machine used for his electrocution brain blender thing covering most of his face

"you'll never see me fall from grace" - it's practically impossible for him to fail or "fall from grace". due to his expertise and apparent immortality, he will always be a pillar in hydras history. he is idolized as the perfect soldier, no matter what happens and how many times he tries to fight back, he always ends up caving in and doing the work he's been tasked with with surgical precision. his fall from grace is impossible even if he wants to fall

"something takes a part of me" - as above so below

"you and i weren't meant to be" - referring to steve and him, either in the way he's convinced himself he's not meant to be with steve (as we sort of see in their last catws scene where he actively fights back when steve tries to tell him who he is "your name is james buchanan barnes"/"shut up!" *and then he punches the living out of him*") and steves sort of forbiddenness thats engraved into his mind from the vault scene with pierce, or its them actually not being meant for each other, or at least right person wrong time :/

"a cheap fuck for me to lay" - the genius annotation for this one is absolute dogshit so i dont even know what jon was tryna say here but. with the original meaning of the song i see it as the cheap fuck being something worth little effort that's being "laid out". so i'd say thats his mission in catws - killing the fuck out of steve sam and natasha. for its only a "cheap fuck", a simple triple assassination he's probably done thousands of times over

"something takes a part of me" - as above so below

"feeling like a freak on a leash (you wanna see the light)" - self explanatory. he's constantly on a leash that seems to be getting shorter as time passes

"feeling like i have no release (so do i)" - having no escape and peace from his situation. the backing vocals also acting as an answer to the ones in the last verse - he wishes to see the light (or any sort of hope) as well.

"how many times have i felt disease?" - i guess id say the "disease" is the malfunction, him remembering pieces of his past. because he keeps getting mind wiped, he cant remember how many times hes played this game before. not only can he not remember his life, but he cant remember if he's attempted to already. he's only running in circles of trying to figure it out, getting wiped and then trying to remember if he's figured it out before. physically cannot know how many times his code has malfunctioned

"nothing in my life is free, is free" - not being offered absolutely anything without his sacrificing his dignity and being loyal