#lyric interpretation

Because of the theming and format of the song, I will be referring to Rin (she/her) as the pre-transition character and Len (he/him) as the post-transition character. Due to the song itself largely referring to the two as two separate people, I will be doing the same.

=================

[Verse 1]

Heavens, I’m sorry for your loss

A life cut short, it’s such a tragic plot

Oh, your poor daughter

We’ll keep her in our thoughts

But what a disgrace, we’re mourning while her killer freely walks

Jury’s out, they cry for retribution

Voices shout, “Her blood is on your hands.”

As if I’m not the one that has to live with

Red under nails that won’t wash out, no matter how it ends.

=================

The first word in the song is “Heavens!” We see this lyric later paralleled in verse 2, which opens with “Gracious!” The use of these words in such a manner has died down among younger generations, painting the image of an older, less accepting community, likely being the ones to say the words. We know that generally, it is often older generations of people who are less inclined to change, with a higher percentage of them being transphobic.

“I’m sorry for your loss. A life cut short, it’s such a tragic plot.” Immediately, we are told that Len’s transition is viewed not as a celebration but instead as a murder. “Oh, your poor daughter, we’ll keep her in our thoughts.” Further implies that transitioning is not something good, but something that ruins you, damages you, and even kills you. It is clear that they do not see Len as a person anymore; Rin might as well be truly dead.

“But what a disgrace, we’re mourning while her killer freely walks. Jury’s out, they cry for retribution. Voices shout, “Her blood is on your hands.”” Not only did transitioning kill the innocent, sweet Rin that they knew, but Len is also to blame for this crime. He is not innocent in this. He is directly to blame.

“As if I’m not the one that has to live with red under nails that won’t wash out no matter how it ends.” This is the first time we hear Len speak in the first person, letting us know the song is from his point of view. Len is saying now that while others are upset at him for the “murder” of Rin, he is the one who has to live with this outcome. No matter what he does, no matter how society treats him, he has to live as transgender person. Whether he did or didn’t outwardly transition wouldn’t change this fact. He is expressing that he knew this would happen. The “red under nails” represents his inherent transness. No matter who he meets, whether they accept him or not, he has to come out to them all over again. He will never live the peaceful life that a cisgender man would be granted; he is instead beared with this “curse.” This is not to mention the inherent trauma that comes with living as an outwardly transgender man in an unaccepting community. Even if he moves, even if he goes somewhere with more acceptance, he will never be able to rid himself of the pain of his hometown. The people he grew up with. His neighbors. His friends from high school. They all hate him now, and there’s no undoing that.

=================

[Pre-Chorus]

‘Pon the boundary of loss and dream

Irony put to sleep, so set the scene

It’s her or me, who’s it gonna be?

=================

The first lyric here is “‘pon the boundary of loss and dream.” This lyric encapsulates the idea that for most people, Len’s transition is seen as a loss, while to him, it is his dream come true. Len feels like he’s been put onto this center line, being pulled in two directions. In one way, he is living the way he’s always dreamed of. On the other hand, he’s losing everyone he’s ever known in the process.

“Irony put to sleep, so set the scene.” Len is pointing out the irony in everyone’s views on his transition. The perception of Rin having “died,” when in reality, that very person has never been as alive as they are right now, living as Len. “It’s her or me, who’s it gonna be?” He further embellishes on this by saying he can continue “living” miserably as Rin, or be truly happy, truly living, as Len. Furthermore, the line “who’s it gonna be?” is actually voiced by Rin, as she knew it had to be this way as well.

=================

[Chorus]

To lead a lie or watch your daughter die

I forced the issue. What a waste of time

It’s wrong, it’s right, and, god, I’m so alive

So leave her behind, it’s an eye for an eye

Lethal injection, guillotine, electric chair

It’d all be so simple, oh, if only I weren’t there

I’ll slip the noose they tie

The fell boy’s guilty as tried

“Her life for mine”

=================

“To lead a lie or watch your daughter die” once again reiterates that the alternative to being transgender is to live a lie, or in other words, there is no true alternative to being transgender, as you would only be pretending (or lying) to not be. “I forced the issue. What a waste of time.” The people around Len believe they should have the say in how Len lives his life, rather than Len himself. “Forcing the issue” refers to Len choosing for himself to transition, while if it were up to others, they would choose otherwise.

“It’s wrong, it’s right, and, god, I’m so alive.” Len, for the first time in his life, is happy. He is living the life he’s always dreamed of living. “So leave her behind, it’s an eye for an eye,” He begs for people to just give it up. He bargains with them, says this is “even.”

“Lethal injection, guillotine, electric chair” have each been common forms of enacting the death penalty throughout human history. “Lethal injection” could be interpreted as taking testosterone shots to transition, as many people view this process as “wrong” and “damaging.” In this sense, Len is sentencing himself to a death sentence by injecting himself with testosterone. The “guillotine” was a contraption most commonly used during the French Revolution in a time of change and reform. The use of it here symbolizes both how Len felt “trapped” and “constrained” pre-transition, and also symbolizes his resolve to change the normal which has been set in society.

“It’d all be so simple if only I weren’t there.” Once again, Len states how this would be a simple solution if only it weren’t for his being in control of his own life. Others would choose in a heartbeat to keep Rin, keep her “normal,” but Len simply has to come in and ruin their perfect daughter.

“I’ll slip the noose they tie.” This line can be read in multiple ways. The first and probably most obvious being capital punishment. He is being hanged for his crimes, but he is escaping that fate set for him. Another could be a reference to the heightened suicide rates of trans people. By taking charge of his own life and his own fate, he is escaping a life of depression and loneliness, which could often end in horrible ways. He is making sure that doesn’t happen.

“The fell boy’s guilty as tried.” This is a play on the term “fall guy,” which refers to a man who has been framed for the crime of another person. The change from the present tense “fall” to the past tense “fell” indicates that he has already been prosecuted.

“Her life for mine,” once again, Len articulates that to live, this had to happen. Her life was worth “sacrificing” in the end for Len’s happiness.

=================

[Verse 2]

Gracious, the charges pile up

A guilty conscience, case open and shut

But wait, Your Honor, it’s such a noble cause

It’s not like the victim’s here to see your jaded justice done

Did you know her? Her dreams? Her aspirations?

One single sentence, address the rest

So tell me how you knew her, embellish your relation

Pain that you feign for a stranger ‘cause you’d rather see me gone

Don’t look away from the boy whose smile sparks a flame

Reclaimed, a crying shame that you don’t feel the same

=================

“Gracious, the charges pile up.” Here we see the word “gracious,” which I had previously mentioned, along with “heavens.” “The charges pile up” likely refers to the further dramaticization of this problem. If Len’s transition had been accepted, the community would have moved on with their lives by now, but instead, they are choosing to hone in on a “problem” that really isn’t even a problem.

“A guilty conscience, case open and shut,” Len admits to feeling guilt. Not guilty for the murder of Rin, however. But the guilt of losing his friends and family. “Case open and shut.” Likely refers to the quick succession in which people decided that Len’s transgenderism was unacceptable. It took them no time at all.

“But wait, Your Honor, it’s such a noble cause,” Len pleads once again. He continues trying to convince others that this isn’t a bad thing at all. “It’s not like the victim’s here to see your jaded justice done.” Len saying “the victim isn’t here” almost makes him seem like he is trying to approach talking to these people from their point of view. They do not see him as the same person he was before, not even in the slightest. He is simply Rin’s murderer. He tries to bargain with that viewpoint by almost agreeing with them. “To see your jaded justice done,” Len snaps himself out of his saddened stupor and criticizes his community's response once again. He points out how flawed, self-centered, and outright stupid their logic, or their “justice,” is.

“Did you know her? Her dreams? Her aspirations?” Now, Len is pointing out the hypocrisy in the community’s mourning of Rin. In the end, they never even knew her. They may have known of the surface-level facade of happiness that Rin wore on her face for appearances, but no one will ever know how she was behind closed doors. No one, except for Len. “One single sentence, address the rest. So tell me how you knew her, embellish your relation.” Len embellishes on this point. Oftentimes, in the face of a person’s transition, the community will say things like “she was so sweet” and “she will be missed,” sentences that sound an awful lot like mourning. These sentences are also inherently, incredibly surface-level. Never do these people embellish on Rin, her dreams, her aspirations. All they really know about, all they really care about, is the death of what’s acceptable. “Pain that you feign for a stranger ‘cause you’d rather see me gone.” These people didn’t know Rin. They still don’t know Rin, but that’s not what they’re really saying when they say Len ruined her. What they mean is “We do not accept this. We do not accept you.” They couldn’t care less what was happening in Rin’s personal life, they just want to see to it that Len suffers for the rest of his.

“Don’t look away from the boy whose smile sparks a flame.” Amidst all of this, Len is the happiest he’s ever been. With a smile so bright that it sparks a flame. But they don’t see that. They will always choose to see a miserable, melancholic Rin over a happy, joyous Len. They choose to ignore the beaming look on his face to make the arbitrary decision that Rin was much “happier” than Len. “Reclaimed, a crying shame that you don’t feel the same.” Ultimately, again, Len is happy now. The fact that others cannot see that is disappointing, but ultimately, there’s nothing Len can do about it but accept it and continue living his life as his true self.

=================

[Pre-Chorus]

‘Pon the boundary of sight unseen

Irony lives and breathes

In rest, in grief

It’s her or me, baby, who’s it gonna be?

=================

This pre-chorus has changed from the previous one. “‘Pon the boundary of sight unseen. Irony lives and breathes. This contrasts with the previous pre-chorus lyrics. Instead of “irony put to sleep.” Len acknowledges that that won’t be happening. People will continue on their hypocritical escapades of justice, and there’s nothing he can do to stop them. Irony is alive and here to stay. “In rest, in grief.” Here we hear Rin’s voicebank for the second time in the song; Len sings “in rest” while Rin sings “in grief.” “It’s her or me, baby, who’s it gonna be?” Len once again poses a choice, but it’s not just Len; it’s Rin as well. While Len begins the line, Rin is once again the one to sing “who’s it gonna be?” They are in utter agreement that transitioning is the only way for them to be happy. Make Rin live miserably for the rest of her life, or choose to stomach the blinding smile on Len’s face.

=================

[Chorus]

To lead a lie or watch your daughter die

I forced the issue. What a waste of time

It’s wrong, it’s right, and, god, I’m so alive

So leave her behind, it’s an eye for an eye

Cooked in a cauldron, drawn and quartered, firing squad

It’d all be so simple, oh, if only I were gone

I’ll slip the noose they tie

The fell boy’s guilty as tried

“Her life for mine”

=================

The chorus here largely stays the same as the previous one, with some small yet incredibly significant changes. “Cooked in a cauldron, drawn and quartered, firing squad.” Compared to the last chorus, these punishment methods are largely considered more unusual and even more unethical than the previously stated “lethal injection, guillotine, electric chair.” “It’d all be so simple, oh if only I were gone.” This changes from “If only I weren’t there,” Making it a much more viscerally dark lyric. Len isn’t just absent; he is entirely gone. Maybe even dead. This line is followed by the unchanged “I’ll slip the noose they tie,” which gives the line an even more significant connection to the interpretation of suicide. But once again, he’s not letting that happen. The other lyrics remain unchanged.

=================

[Bridge]

Did you know her?

Did you know that heavy heart?

Did you know her?

A fragile ego adorned in scars

Did you know her?

Did you know the nights spent crying in a voice drawn low?

Did you know her?

If you knew, you’d know I had to let her go.

=================

“Did you know her? Did you know that heavy heart?” Once again, no one really knew Rin, except for the very person they blamed for her death. Underneath her ribbons and bows lay a heart heavy with distress. “Did you know her? A fragile ego adorned in scars.” Rin was clearly unwell. Her ego, her very sense of self, was covered in scars. Once again, no one knows but one person.

“Did you know her? Did you know the nights spent crying in a voice drawn low?” Firstly, Len discloses the frequent nights Rin spent crying alone in her room. Secondly, her voice being drawn low can have multiple meanings. It can mean that she was muffling her sobs, making sure no one could hear her suffering. However, it could also refer to gender dysphoria. Oftentimes, transgender people will alter their voice in an attempt to better fit their preferred gender. For trans men specifically, this would mean deepening your voice to sound more manly, hence the “voice drawn low.”

“Did you know her? If you knew, you’d know I had to let her go.” They didn’t know her. And they never will. But Len did know her. Len does know her. He knows that life was unsustainable and agonizingly painful. He had to let her go.

=================

[Chorus]

To lead a lie or watch your daughter die

As if the choice could end with me alive

It’s wrong, it’s right, but, god, if only I

Could give up a life I can hardly call mine

Ring of the knell, the eulogy, the loss of heir

It’d all be so simple if only I weren’t there

I’d give it one last try if I could leave it behind for the renegade life

To lead a lie or watch your daughter die

I forced the issue. What a waste of time

It’s wrong, it’s right, and, god, I’m so alive

So leave her behind, it’s an eye for an eye

Lethal injection, guillotine, electric chair

It’d all be so simple, oh, if only I weren’t there

I’ll slip the noose they tie

The fell boy’s guilty as tried

“Her life for mine”

=================

This chorus is primarily sung with Rin’s voicebank rather than Len’s. Rin sings, “To lead a lie or watch your daughter die, as if the choice could end with me alive.” Rin knows she can’t continue living the way she is. Whether she chooses to lead a lie or die, she will die either way. “It’s wrong, it’s right, but, god, if only I could give up a life I can hardly call mine.” She doesn’t enjoy her life, not in the slightest. It’s not even her life; it’s her family's life, her friends' life, her community's life, but it’s not her life as long as she lives the way they want her to rather than how she wants to.

“Ring of the knell, the eulogy, the loss of heir.” We are now the witnesses to the death of Rin. The “ring of the knell” refers to the “death knell,” which is when a church bell rings to announce a person’s death. “The eulogy” is a written paper denoting the life of the deceased. “The loss of heir” refers to the loss of who was presumably the family’s only child, leaving the family with no one to carry on their name. These lines each further indicate that Len’s family does not see him as their Rin.

Rin continues, “It’d all be so simple, oh, if only I weren’t there. I’d give it one last try if I could leave it behind for the renegade life.” Here, she is about to give up on living. She herself states that she’d try one last time if only she could live the renegade life, referring to her transition to Len. It is of great importance to note that this line is where the vocals switch back from Rin to Len, right as they say, “leave it behind for the renegade life.” Signifying that he is that very renegade life she so desperately wished to live.

The chorus then repeats itself, reverting to the state we heard at the beginning of the song.

=================

[Outro]

An ego set alight

A stray boy justified

This life is mine

=================

“An ego set alight” calls back to the bridge, in which Len states that Rin’s ego was “a fragile ego adorned in scars.” Len, having transitioned, has completely flipped his old miserable life on its head. No longer is he fragile, no longer does he cry every night. He is happy. “A stray boy justified.” The use of “stray” implies that he is alone, with no one around. But ultimately, he’s justified. He’s happier this way.

“This life is mine.”

=================

That powerful line marks the end of the song; however, there are some overarching themes in the song that I do not wish to leave unnoticed. Over the course of the song, Rin is always referred to as a “daughter,” both signifying her family’s acceptance of her, but also her inherent connection to her family. She is not her own person, but only known as their daughter. On the other hand, Len is only ever referred to as “boy,” signifying the opposite. While he has been disowned and tossed aside by his family, he lives a life free of chains. He is no longer bound by the chains of his family.

Additionally, the specific voicebanks used for each character are as follows: Rin is Kagamine Rin ACT1, while Len is Kagamine Len V4X. Rin’s ACT1 voicebank has been discontinued, or killed. She is dead. Len’s, on the other hand, is still available, alive. Additionally, Rin’s ACT1 is an older issue, while Len’s is newer, signifying Rin being the older version of Len.

While the main focus has been on the song, the accompanying music video has just as much depth and intention put into it as the song itself. For starters, even when the lyrics of the song display the darker topics, Len appears with a smug look on his face. He has accepted the role of Rin’s murderer, and he plays into it. Len also breaks free of chains at the very beginning, and continues to wear them (but broken) for the rest of the song. This signifies that while he has indeed broken free of his life, he still has to live with all of the resulting trauma that came with it, the “red under nails”.

Rin and Len’s outfit designs are no less intentional. Rin appears dolled up, with a properly buttoned-up collar shirt adorned with a cute little bow tie. This signifies both the obedience to traditional ideals, as well as suffocation, with the collared shirt choking her. Len, on the other hand, appears with an unbuttoned collar and a loosened bow tie. He is both rejecting what is expected of him and freeing himself of the chains around his neck. He is also sporting a modern jacket over his sweater vest.

As well as their outfits, their designs go even deeper to tell their story. Rin appears with an open cut on her face, while Len has a bandage on his face. He is healing from his trauma, though it hasn’t left him completely.

Len’s bandage, while healing him, draws more attention to his face and makes him look more “rugged.” Though Rin also had a mark on her face, it didn’t manage to demand your attention. Only Len’s does. In the process of healing himself, he has made it everyone else’s “business” or “problem” by making it noticeable to them. If he had never transitioned, he may have stayed physically (or mentally) hurt, but it wouldn’t have bothered anyone else. 

Of course, however, the bandage doesn’t actually hurt anyone by being there. The truth is that it’s simply there to help Len heal from his wounds. The people complaining about how the bandage looks “unprofessional” are the ones who are actually drawing attention to it, rather than just letting it be. While this is clearly a metaphor for transgenderism in itself, I believe it can also represent the presence of top scars. They don’t hurt anyone by being there, but many have the gall to be offended by their mere presence on someone else’s chest.

Ego Renegade Boy is a song about finding solace in leading your own life and making your own decisions. Choosing to take the reins, even when it means sacrificing your relationships with those around you, ultimately makes you a happier person. Finding people who love you for you, rather than for your obedience, will set you free.

"every time i start to believe" - every time he gets a glimpse into who he used to be - every time his memory is jogged by something and he "malfunctions". every time he gets the faintest bit of hope

"something's raped and taken from me" - do i rlly gotta say it 💔 ok but besides the obvious, this something being his memory - every time he regains something, even more is ripped away from him through mind erasure, he physically cannot keep a single fading memory to himself

"life's gotta always be messin with me (you wanna see the light)" - pretty self explanatory. the people in his life fucking with him

"can't they chill and let me be free?" - as above so below

"can't i take away all this pain? i try to every night all in vain, in vain" - his pointless attempts at piecing his life together, all of it to be in vain at its erased anyways

"sometimes i cannot take this place" - this place as in the vault he's kept in, or maybe siberia, whichever works

"sometimes it's my life i can't taste" - once again about his past life. his life fading away along with his senses (random tidbit: i like to imagine his sense of taste is extremely dulled since he was probably fed only though iv. id say its the only one of his senses that isnt heightened as the rest are useful during missions i'd assume. so i think everythings 100x louder for him and he has great vision etc)

"sometimes i cannot feel my face" - the machine used for his electrocution brain blender thing covering most of his face

"you'll never see me fall from grace" - it's practically impossible for him to fail or "fall from grace". due to his expertise and apparent immortality, he will always be a pillar in hydras history. he is idolized as the perfect soldier, no matter what happens and how many times he tries to fight back, he always ends up caving in and doing the work he's been tasked with with surgical precision. his fall from grace is impossible even if he wants to fall

"something takes a part of me" - as above so below

"you and i weren't meant to be" - referring to steve and him, either in the way he's convinced himself he's not meant to be with steve (as we sort of see in their last catws scene where he actively fights back when steve tries to tell him who he is "your name is james buchanan barnes"/"shut up!" *and then he punches the living out of him*") and steves sort of forbiddenness thats engraved into his mind from the vault scene with pierce, or its them actually not being meant for each other, or at least right person wrong time :/

"a cheap fuck for me to lay" - the genius annotation for this one is absolute dogshit so i dont even know what jon was tryna say here but. with the original meaning of the song i see it as the cheap fuck being something worth little effort that's being "laid out". so i'd say thats his mission in catws - killing the fuck out of steve sam and natasha. for its only a "cheap fuck", a simple triple assassination he's probably done thousands of times over

"something takes a part of me" - as above so below

"feeling like a freak on a leash (you wanna see the light)" - self explanatory. he's constantly on a leash that seems to be getting shorter as time passes

"feeling like i have no release (so do i)" - having no escape and peace from his situation. the backing vocals also acting as an answer to the ones in the last verse - he wishes to see the light (or any sort of hope) as well.

"how many times have i felt disease?" - i guess id say the "disease" is the malfunction, him remembering pieces of his past. because he keeps getting mind wiped, he cant remember how many times hes played this game before. not only can he not remember his life, but he cant remember if he's attempted to already. he's only running in circles of trying to figure it out, getting wiped and then trying to remember if he's figured it out before. physically cannot know how many times his code has malfunctioned

"nothing in my life is free, is free" - not being offered absolutely anything without his sacrificing his dignity and being loyal