#balanceintheforce

I finally asked the dreaded question last night.

I was talking with Florizel online after our rehearsal last night and we were talking about the church experience.  I told him my concerns, about how I wanted to believe what the pastor said about God and Jesus...I’m on board with God, but not so much with Jesus.  It bothered me a lot.

“So you’re comfortable with general theism, but unsure about the specifics of Christianity?” he asks.

“Exactly,” I replied.  “ I have been raised without religion my whole life and to accept something now of this magnitude is daunting. I'm just a little scared, for multiple reasons.“  Florizel reminded me that I could speak with the pastor for lunch sometime, and be able to ask her my questions.  I said I planned to do so when time allowed.

Finally.  I knew the moment had come.  I had to know.

“Can I ask you a serious question?”

“Sure.”

I took a breath and typed, “ If I decide that Christianity is not the path for me, or if I stay with the Unitarian track...is that a deal breaker?”

There was a short pause that felt like an eternity.  Finally, Florizel wrote back:

“No, it would not be a dealbreaker.  In general, I've been looking for a Christian woman, but I think we have an understanding, and would be compatible.”

All at once, the weight was lifted off my chest and a complete sense of peace filled my body and soul.  I expected the worst and instead got the best answer.  My father had told me this would most likely happen, because even knowing of my uncertainty, he was willing to be with me.

I need to listen to Dad more.

Our conversation went on, talking about how I could be active in the church (music, yay!) which lead us to talk about more stuff along those lines.  After awhile, it was past my bedtime and I needed to sleep.  But just getting that off my chest was so necessary.  We do have an understanding and I think things are going to be okay.

Thanks be to God, luck, life, whatever is bringing this good luck right now.  This is a fine end to the year...and the new year looks amazing already.

After rehearsal last night, I felt a bit out of sorts.  The person cast in the lead role is not as strong in it as she should be.  I started to grumble, but Florizel was quick to diffuse me.  “Now now, look.  You get some gorgeous music to sing, and the trio sounds  amazing together!”  I was suddenly not upset anymore.  We walked to my car, and I put my head on his chest.  “This is why I keep you around,” I said with a laugh.  Florizel awkwardly, but gently put his arms around me and continued to boost my spirits.  

He’s so optimistic, and it mellows out my pessimist/realist side.  He’s a realist too, but his optimism really shines.  He’s so quick to diffuse me and bring me to a better place.

Dear God, he’s amazing for me.  I can’t be super upset around him.  He must be the one...everything I learn about him just endears him to me even more.  We still have much to discuss and talk about, but we both know we want this to work. 

I want to always steal glances at him, always be wanting him and wanting to be with him.  I want to fall in love with him over and over, never stopping.  I hope I continue to make him happy, make him laugh, make him feel at ease with me.  We are an interesting couple, one I never thought would be, but I am so happy it can be.  

No, we aren’t perfect.  But our imperfections are our perfections and endear us to the other.  We have SO much more in common than I ever had with Robert and will open up a lifetime of happiness and adventure for both of us.  And even if he is a few years older, I hope he outlives me.  I can’t imagine a life without him in it.