hi hi
21/12/2025
I want to give a little update to why I’ve been absent. I will be venting about my chronic illness, my menstrual cycle, and my mental health struggles. so if that will be upsetting for you, feel free to skip.
the tldr is: I want to get back into writing and posting fanfics, but my health has been too poor to have any motivation for it. I don’t know if I will come back to tumblr.
in summer of 2024, I was diagnosed with pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder (pmdd). this was 2 years after my family doctor refused to diagnose me with pmdd, and 10 years of me having excruciatingly painful and difficult menstrual cycles. essentially from the time I started to menstruate, it was awful for me. my family doctor changed in 2024, and I finally stopped being gaslit by medical professionals.
in spring of 2024, I was prompted to seek a diagnosis by my parents, since I was falling deep into a depressive spiral. this was around the same time a close family member of mine was recovering from a severe illness, and I wasn’t taking it well. I was missing more than a week of work each month, and I started to seriously neglect my health. as a result, around the same time my writing and activity online started to fall off.
so that summer, for the first time, I started taking antidepressants. i tried to force normalcy and keep doing all the things I was doing, but it wasn’t possible.
although I had told my previous family doctor and multiple medical professionals about my depression, they all said I was overreacting because my episodes were not consistent enough to diagnose a depressive disorder. this is because with pmdd, my depressive episodes are directly linked to phases of my period. but all these doctors saw was someone who wasn’t ‘depressed enough’ to take up their time.
I’m now trying my third antidepressant, which seems to finally be working. I won’t go into too much detail, but my second antidepressant did literally nothing for me and detoxing off of it was hell. compared to basically a year and a half ago, I’m doing so much better and I’m starting to feel like my life is getting back on track.
if you don’t know anything about pmdd, some of my other problematic symptoms are: chronic pain, chronic fatigue, loss of appetite, brain fog, irrational anger and sadness (emotional dysregulation), hypomania/brief manic episodes, and dysphoria. I have around 2 weeks a month where I’m in pain or physical discomfort, and about a week where I literally feel like a whole other person. I feel unrecognizable to myself, and literally can’t trust my own judgement. this is obviously something I’m working on, but it has made a lot of my past struggles start to make sense. my doctor has also reiterated that there’s no ‘cure’ for pmdd. there are combinations of medications and treatments that will reduce my symptoms or teach me to better tolerate them, but I’m going to be dealing with this for the rest of my life.
pmdd disables me once a month, and it’s so frustrating that there’s nothing I can do about it.
as you might expect, I turn to stray kids for a lot of comfort. I do have my family and friends as well, who have been a great support system and have kept me going, but stray kids is my escape. I’ve always used fanfiction to take a break from reality, and to explore my innermost fantasies.
I’m still writing stray kids fics, but they’ve become deeply personal. I’ve basically been using my fics to vent and journal through this journey of struggling to accept my chronic illness. my writing has stopped being self-insert and now it’s just myself. and I think people probably understand that I don’t feel comfortable posting those things online. and since I’ve started writing my personal struggles into stories with stray kids, it’s very hard to separate that and just write a normal fic again.
I’d like to pick up my old fics again and finish them, the nct dream ones too, but I don’t know if I can do that right now. I really want to come back, but I just don’t have anything I can post. so, I appreciate anyone who has been waiting for an update or checked in on me during my hiatus. I hope you’re not too disappointed, but this is the update. I don’t have anything to share right now, and I don’t know if there’s a point in me being on this site.
and to anyone else who has struggled with their health or getting a diagnosis, I hope things get easier for you soon. oftentimes we have to fight the medical system to get proper treatment, and it’s exhausting. especially if you’re dealing with mental health issues as well. we have to keep fighting though, please keep fighting and know it can always get better.
thank you for reading, take care everyone 🩷
