#badbrainz

you are not in Antarctica waiting for summer resupply ship to arrive, right?

no, alaska

theoretically there are people around just not at the house or ones I have a reason to interact with 

that in a week and a half I will feel fine because there will be people around

but until then I feel off-and-on worried I am terrible and alone 

is WEIRD 

It feels like I don't have much to do or much of a purpose.  

I have always been one for cramming.  It's hard to build the motivation to get started on a project, but that motivation often builds on itself.  Once started, it can be hard to even stop.  Common wisdom aside, it really can work for final exams (even if not long-term retention.)  

That doesn't work quite so well for a lot of projects.  It doesn't help you plan, it doesn't help you perform individual steps on time.  It doesn't help you get a necessary half an hour of work done every day.  I feel like I have the will to do work but I am not quite sure what to do, and if tomorrow I have the ability to plan I will not have the drive to follow through.  

I feel odd and alone, partly because I am: there is no-one else in my house and there will not be anyone here for another three weeks.  I have an emotional, almost physical sense of terror grabbing me and flipping me around and screaming incessantly, no, listen to me, you are not really a useful, valued or helpful person, no, everything will not turn out alright. 

In my decision mindset, I know that things will be OK.  I can and will make them be.  I have plenty of options in the here and now to make things better, for myself and for others.  Tomorrow I will plan what to do, and this weekend I will do those things.  Even if each individual item is a small, limited piece, I will queue them up and I will cram and finish them all.  Feelings aside, the ability to do is enough to effect change.  Everything else will follow.