#bad self-esteem

I once loved for my alone time When no one was around and I could just exist it the warmth that comes in silence Moments to think Moments where I could peal away my mask

I’d crank my music and spend my time writing or playing along badly on guitar I loved it, and the few hours I got was enough to reset once and awhile

But now that I’m older I find I’m alone more often than not and it doesn’t hold the thrill like it did instead it just reminds just how alone I really am

There’s no friend to call Not anymore People change and I changed into this a miserable, cynical misanthropic, bitter bastard Who most people have never seen smile

And it’s a lonely life she broke me to pieces which shattered the small belief I had in love She lied so I could be sacrificed punished just for having had enough

I doubt my views will change And I’ll be alone until my final day I don’t find comfort in it Not anymore

Now I can feel the hole in my heart

I just had a dream about reading a Sterek fanfic and in the dream I spaced out part way through reading it and asked @blizgori “is this a real fic I’m thinking about?” And then halfway through describing it stopped and went “oh yeah of course it’s [name of fic] my silly brain just tried to make me think I dreamed it” so thanks subconscious for trying to call me out

Notable features of the dream-generated fanfic:

• It hugely featured “Derek’s sister” who, rather than being any of his actual sisters, was the writer’s OFC that I was a little suspicious of because she was basically a viewpoint character, but she narrowly escaped being a Mary-Sue

• In the dream I’d already read the fic and was rereading the end and remembering how much I’d liked it so went back to the beginning to start over for real

• Therefore, all I know about the story is the beginning and the end:

• It starts with Derek’s family moving into town:

• His sister, for some inexplicable reason, is obsessed with ugly 1970s architecture and so is ecstatic that they’re looking at a particular area of town full of these houses and she wrote some little thinkpiece for the local magazine that included the phrase “if you’re in the area you can expect to hear two things: the air whistling between my brother’s knobby knees, and me screaming in unadulterated joy”

• This statement is more accurate than it may seem because in this fic Derek is played by Tyler Hoechlin in his baseball days only with a little more of his current beauty [Did I mention it was a Generic-High-School AU?]

• Derek is super insulted by this article his sister wrote but his parents think it’s hilarious and they’re super proud of it

• I have no idea what happens in the middle of the fic, I had skipped to the end where suddenly:

• Derek and Stiles are in the Stilinski family living room

• Obviously some kind of wild hijinks have just ensued because they both look rain-soaked and underdressed

• They’re both sulking because they’ve been fake-dating and a misunderstanding of comical proportions is looming: there had been a quote in the school journal involving “a 2 hopelessly pining after a 10” and they had both seen it and essentially gone “ouch haha too real” at the same time and

• Each thought the other was identifying with the 10 in this situation and sympathetically chuckling at him, the 2, with pity for his hopeless crush

• “Um,” says Derek, suddenly realizing the state of his undress, not looking Stiles in the eye because how could he, a lowly 2, make eye contact with this 10 who is secretly mocking him for his ridiculous feelings, “I should change, I’m only wearing shorts and a jacket,”

• Right as Stiles, flushing in humiliation as he realizes that he, a pathetic 2, is inappropriately dressed in front of the universally-acknowledged 10 who has deigned to laugh at his pitiful crush, and also in front of his dad, and says “Oh man, I just realized I’m only wearing this hoody and one stocking” [why Stiles is wearing one thigh high striped sock with briefs and a hoodie is the mystery of the ages]

• After a comical beat they each scramble to offer each other their clothes which includes Derek starting to take off his own shorts in the middle of the Stilinski family living room and Stiles physically forcing his hoodie over Derek’s head [this scene is very comical]

• As each one of them says something along the lines of “I know my clothes are probably disgusting to you because I’m only a 2 but-“

• CUE MOMENT OF SIMULTANEOUS REALIZATION

• “you think YOU’RE-“ “but you’re so-“ “I’M the-“ “that’s ridiculous!”

• Now they’re making out and Stiles’s dad laughs at them and goes off to make them burgers

Heyred-white-black!

Thereare no flowers with either of these meanings, but I'll see what I cando about the situation your character is in. I'm sure we'll findsomething that fits.

apricot blossom – doubt

aspen – excessive sensibility, lamentation or fear, groan, lamentation

bee ophrys – error

bee orchis – error, industry

bindweed (sea) – uncertainty

bindweed (small) – captivation, humility

bugloss – falsehood

camellia (pink) – longing

carnation (striped) – refusal, I cannot be with you, “no”, I'm sorry I can't be with you, wish I could be with you

catchfly (white) – I fall into the trap laid for me, betrayed

cherry blossom – insincerity, impermanence, spiritual beauty

chorizema varium – you have many lovers

columbine (red) – anxious and trembling, anxious

convolvulus (major) – extinguished hopes

convolvulus (pink) – worth sustained by judicious and tender affection

copihue – there is no unalloyed good

cypress – disappointed hopes, despair, mourning, death

dogsbane – deceit, falsehood

echites (dark purple) – be warned in time

elm – dignity

flora's bell – without pretension

fly orchis – error

flytrap – deceit

forsythia – anticipation

geranium (sorrowful) – melancholy mind

gooseberry – anticipation

henbane – imperfection, fault, for males to attract love from females

humble plant – despondency

jasmine (carolina) – separation

judas tree – unbelief, betrayal

lavender – distrust, mistrust, love, devotion, acknowledgement

lily (japanese) – you cannot deceive me

lily (yellow) – falsehood, false, I'm walking on air, gaiety, coquetry

magnolia (laurel-leaved) – dignity, high souled

machineel – falsehood, duplicity

mandrake – scarcity, rarity, horror

maple – reserve

marigold (french) – jealousy

meadow saffron – my best days are past, autumn

meadowsweet – uselessness

mimosa – sensitiveness, sensitivity, secret love

morning glory – affectation, coquetry

mulberry – I shall not survive you, devotedness

mushroom – suspicion, I can't entirely trust you

mustard – I am hurt

nightshade – falsehood, scepticism, dark thoughts, truth

nightshade (deadly) – falsehood

ophrys (fly) – mistake

pink (china or indian single) – aversion

pink (variegated) – refusal

rose (carolina) – love is dangerous

rose (christmas) – tranquillise my anxiety

rose (white, withered) – transient impressions

rose (withered) – fleeting beauty

rose (yellow) – the decrease of love on better acquaintance, infidelity, unfaithfulness, decrease of love, jealousy

rosebay – distrust

shepherd's purse – I offer you my all

spiderwort – transient happiness, I esteem but do not love you, esteem not love

spiked willow herb – pretension

sumach – splendid misery

syringa (carolina) – disappointment, memory

thornapple – deceitful charms

thornapple (purple) – suspicion

toad-flax – presumption

venus flytrap – deceit

willow herb – pretension

winter cherry – deception

–ModJana

Disclaimer

In one of my classes I sit with a few other girls who I’m not really friends with and are never the nicest people I try to ignore them but today it keeps kinda crossed the line. I wore eye liner for the first time at school (I’ve worn it before but never to school) and all day people where complimenting me on it so I was feeling pretty good but when I go to that class they started saying things that I didn’t really care about but then they told me that I looked like a lesbian, they are definitely not lgbtq friendly so it was more like an insult and I’m not out and have really bad self esteem so I took it quite hard and am not not really inclined to wear eyeliner again, at least for a little while. This should not affect me that much but it does even if I wish it didn’t