#babaling

I don't understand it. Some days are easier than others. Some days are just plain hell. It's sad when people you don't really talk to ask you if you are okay. They ask why you just aren't smiling anymore. That when they normally see you that you are always smiling no matter what. One of the grill cooks at work asked me that. He came up to me as I sat there strung my oat meal in the break room. He walked over to where I was sitting and asked me if everything was okay. I turned and gave him the best smile I could and said of course. He told me that he knows we aren't friends but that I'm a terrible faker. That he always sees me smiling and the happiest person there, even when I'm angry or have mean things to say it's always with a smile on my face. He told me that now there is no more smiles from me. That he doesn't know me but it's sad seeing me like this. All week he has said that he has been worried about a complete stranger that before today was just someone who said good morning to him when he walked in and to have a good day when he left. He told me how he could see what ever pain I was feeling in my face. It honestly made me want to cry. I told him I was fine. I was just going threw a hard time. He tried to tell me no boy is worth the pain he could see I was feeling. I told him that I lost more than some boy that I lost my best friend of 6 years. He told me friends come and go. I told him that I new that but you were different more than just some friend. He said I understood that 6 years was a long time but he told me it would get better. It's hard even on my good days this week I've had servers ask me if I was okay. That I just haven't been myself. I'm very distant and not so talkative that I don't smile. Richard he is like the grandpa of cracker barrel he keeps cussing at me telling me I need to smile, even when I feel like I'm smiling. He says he hates seeing me like this. Tony, Tony the tiger he is the busier at work he calls himself the mexican. He is a nice old man tries to tell me I'm pretty in spanish but all week he has done nothing but ask me where my beautiful smile is. My managers just keep asking why I'm out of it. Except Tracy she know. She held me in the office till I told her bawling my eyes out. Everyone keeps asking what's wrong with me. I think that is the worst thing to do, to ask what is wrong or if I'm okay. I feel like that only makes it harder to keep myself together. I'm trying so hard to keep myself together but I'm a wreck. Even the customers that I don't realize are regulars keep asking me if I'm okay. The ones that I know come in everyday I fake it my hardest to be happy and talk to them. I don't like when they see me a wreck. Especially the old couples they are so sweat and nice. There were these two guys that came in yesterday and they said I seemed somewhat okay compared to the day before that they had come in the past few days and I just seemed so out of it. It's true though I know I've been seeming out of it. I'm just trying to get by each day. Friday I got off work at 1pm I came home and slept till I had to be at work at 8 am the next day. That is horrible. I'm a wreck without you. I'm not happy at all and I don't know what to do. It's so hard to be with out you.