blake kathryn
Kiana Khansmith
Today's Document
trying on a metaphor
titsay
taylor price
RMH
pixel skylines
Alisa U Zemlji Chuda
Claire Keane
Xuebing Du
Three Goblin Art
Aqua Utopia｜海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
❣ Chile in a Photography ❣
KIROKAZE
PR's Tumblrdome
occasionally subtle
if i look back, i am lost
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@sympl
i have a craving to start writing again. i can feel my mind dimming in a sense of practical logic and it numbs me to know there is a bit of magic getting lost
where am i in all this
who am i still, or now? or becoming
i cannot fall into a slot of one OR the other. can i remain present in both. all? feel the multitudes?
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i just felt that shit shake out of my head
you know, once your nose quite clears from the stinging res
it’s almost as if my mind recognizes we’ve jst moved past
that’s threshold
first one, at least
i want to dye my hair. think in a slightly new persona for this coming year
i feel it
i feel. that
in my belly as i type this. this a different energy coming in and she’s loud and large and hungry
but subtle in her approach. she moves with just a little more grace and observation, but stirring an outcome that is always in her favour
does that sound manipulative? hm
i don’t think so. isn’t that we’re all out here for? trying to get all the things in our favour
something feels off with. a rift. an air of shit floating around us. something unspoken and feels like it’s about nothing, which is even more infuriating about the whole thing. like it feels like the first time we’re just sweeping something under the rug and i hate that feeling. I don’t want us to be the type who can’t voice shit out. i didn’t have anything to say they other night because he did make me feel shut down and shut out. anything i wouldve said would have just spiraled into pointing of fingers and feelings more hurt. I am sick of feeling like a pest and should not feel bad about what i have nor what i want
Wait - i was most definitely depressed all through college woah. Reading these entries again 5+ yes later. And manic ED habits
But i don’t remember it with as much weight as reads off the page… which is part of the problem too
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so i’m in the laundromat just now, folding clothes out of the dryer, with the old asian man sitting near me behind his little front desk, reading his newspaper, and i hear this woman’s radio voice over lulling out the speakers overhead, and she’s speaking about turning around your worries, and to live with an attitude of gratitude. and as i’m standing there folding my clothes and staring out of the window, watching the cars drive past, having spent the day feeling sorry for myself, i first think, wow this is so very cheesy and such a scene out of a movie. but i began to laugh because as cheesy as it was it was true. is true. i shouldn’t harp on these feelings.
at least not for long. but i should allow myself to feel and come into these thoughts at times, rather than glazing them over in my mind, and thinking right past them. that is also probably just as damaging. but okay, so once im over feeling down and out and lonely as all hell, i can pick myself up, and tell myself i’m hot stuff and i’m awesome.
but i know in the back of my mind i’ll be saying i’d really rather be hearing this from someone else lol
but then i feel like im just speaking bullshit
the past few months have been very lonely. feels like i’ve been pushed out to the middle of the street, forced to figure out a side to cling to. im experiencing old friends, new friends, new people everyday - which is great - but i haven’t had a true conversation, a real “good time” with any of them. its begining to feel monotonous, and stale, and distant. neither party is attempting to move past the level already established. which again, fine, but i am missing something, more, fuller, deeper. and when i think i’ve found someone or something to invest that energy into it lets me down. the days are lonely and the nights are only worse. but i do love spending time by myself, as well. many contradictions, it seems but i’m not asking | looking for something all that crazy. intense. i would just like more care. care for me. time invested.
my sexy is not your sexy. not the typical sexy. and that i must get used to. trying on the other sexy feels foreign to me, not in my own skin. but why? that’s a sexy i would like to also feel. my coi, my cool is how i like to play, but does it read?
i guess what does it matter. but fuckc, im very uncomfortable in my skin either way
too much. too little. and then i don’t have wear that allows me to feel at ease throughout the day
im stuck and, know how i should move forward so why don’t i do so
I'm tired and I'm crying and I feel terribly shitty about myself. In several many different ways, about several many different things. And there are a million thoughts constantly running through my head, and I don't know how to fix any issue. I don't understand why I can't have the things I want and the things I go after. There is always some other stipulation. And in trying to see myself in the picture, who I always fall to be in the picture of things. And I see a common occurrence, one that I'm not liking. But as I try to pull myself out of it with each in the next, life plays its tricks and snuggles me in to this cozy corner of places I seem to have made for myself. So what then does that say about me? What is it that I do? I need to know so I can fix it, things in MY best interest. We all have these ideas of our friends and how they are with their lovers, so please I ask that someone tells of me. Or perhaps who it is that I seek, perhaps that's the downfall. We can blame the other as much as we like, saying its him, he's the idiot, he's missing out. But perhaps it is me. Or both, all in as well. Patterns. I don't even feel like I can really talk about this with anyone. I don't want a concrete opinion/definition of my feelings, I don't want some elusive ideas and babble - just listen, someone, please. And empathize. Don't pity, and don't downplay and misconstrue. You cut me off and alter my thoughts. I don't ask for that but just to be there. Here. I cannot stop crying and its 4:30am and I'm tired. Crying myself to sleep, but too busy crying to actually be able to fall asleep. It's tiring. The birds are chirping outside my window and I doubt I'll be able to fall asleep at this point. I doubt anyone will even read this. I'm just talking into space.
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I didn't even know you came
is anyone even reading this?
i feel stupid hanging out with you like it feels empty, with this lingering sense of yearning some where off in the distance. and not necessarily empty, like hollow, but empty, as though I know I won't get the total happiness I would like to feel with you. so then that right there tells me something. perhaps I should not be spending time with you. perhaps you're draining something out of me, and nothing is reciprocated. perhaps I should not 'look forward' to you. I think I have resolved into such sentiments already. today felt different. but still... why
ive never known love. real love. they say it comes when you stop looking. I've stopped for so long now, I'm convinced it's just completely skipped over me.
i want to puke i am beyond stressed
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I don't really know where to begin.
I want me a dj