#axisilseofevil

and how I am going to try harder as soon as this next, frankly dreadful, week ahead of me has passed, and how I'm sorry for being a (for lack of a better word) tit.

I'm sick, and haven't the energy to make sure everything in this post makes sense but here's a rant and a thank you;

I find it hard to show my full emotions around people, because; I think I'll scare them, I don't deserve them, I'm protecting myself, Every strong involvement with somebody has increasingly worse downsides, I'm just really not a worthy person, I barely feel present enough in any given moment to fully give the mutual support friends need and that absolutely terrifies me. What if I'm seeing them as a friend, and they're thinking of themselves as some sort of carer? I hate that that thought is so often present in my head. A lot of the time I don't feel here, and how can I be a good friend to someone if I'm not even here? And then I have that awful habit of disconnecting myself for days on end and disappearing then having to patch things over with people I've hurt. It sometimes seems as if I shouldn't make friends with people because I feel like some sort of toxin that hurts them without meaning to, and I can't turn it off. So I hide away until I feel more brave and stable, and I hate feeling that way.

But despite my distorted reasoning, I have many friends. And I cherish each of them, of you. It seems like I don't sometimes, but please, please, please be assured that I do. I love you. And thank you, for being there for me, and befriending me despite my disjointed thoughts and actions, and habits and, well, everything else. I'm glad I have you guys, okay? Seriously, thank you and I love you all.

Seeing the old starbucks gang, and catching up with old people, then all you can eat chinese and meeting new people, and stealing one of those people,then ann summmers with emily, then lloyds bar and cocktail pitchers and  playing games, and meeting more new people! Then legal highs and leighs house and boooooze and yey! It's been amazing catching up with old friends and meeting new~

Absolutely loved the past 24 hours!

Today- Finally leaving Leighs after monning about, then bus into bradford, then bus to shipleyy~ then a trip to the piercing shop and unfff. and then on the bus home with pills and sweeties~ then having to jump off the bus because i'd left my phone in the piercers. and josh ringing my phone and both of us realising that 'love shack' would be playing as she's piercing someone ahahha :'D

Thank you Josh! You're a trooooper. Have some nice noms kay?