#avoidtoxicity

Moondrop No. 11 | Santi Marie Claire Martelino

FOUR Keeps: How my SHS friends and I maintained a healthy relationship in a toxic setting

"Friendship is everything. Friendship is more than talent. It is more than the government. It is almost the equal of family." —Don Corleone (The Godfather)

I met Shereen, Arnold, and Engel during our enrollment in P.U.P and ever since then, we never separated ways! It’s funny to think that strangers can turn into people whom I will cherish for the rest of my life, they’re more than just friends, we consider each other as sisters already.

I met Shereen first, inside a jeepney on is way to PUP, we exchanged glaring looks from each other because I thought her lipstick looked too red for an incoming Senior High School student and she thought my face was too cynical and ‘bitchy’. Then Arnold, who I met in Oval, he was looking for a company while I was looking for mine too, and our parents pushed us to go inside together since they knew we were targeting for the same strand. Lastly, Engel, who I met at the last step of the enrolment, I even thought she was a little sister of another enrollee who turned out to be her friend, she looked so small and innocent back then!

It was a miracle all of our paths crossed that very day. When we found out we were all in the same section, we got so hyped and got even more excited to start Senior High life with each other. Ever since then up until the very last day of this semester, we are never separated, we never fought, we never heard of issues about each other, we talk like family, we solve problems like family, we stay in each other’s sides through thick and thin like family.

Studying in PUP while dealing with personal issues can be an exhausting and toxic setting to be in. The heavy workload, financial problems, family problems, homesickness, existential crisis, constantly trying to come up with new ideas for a paper, fighting the urge to ditch a class, comprehending tons of readings, writing out what we learned from lessons, issues from other classmates, issues from the works being given. It is draining to be there most of the time, but with the help of these people, my academic life in PUP became bearable. They also helped me in times of personal troubles. We help each other through everything, we call each other out if there are some issues that need to be addressed instead of talking about it behind their backs or outside our little circle, what is said inside our circle stays on it, we help each other grow by giving options on what to do and offering a hand if it’s available. 

Our friendship don’t grow stronger by talking and making gossips out of other people’s business, it grows because we are there for each other only. We put our energy in doing works and helping each other out instead of stressing on other people’s issues. When we are not talking about academics, we ask how our lives are going, ask about each other’s families, make plans for places we will surely not be able to visit, we ask about each other’s mental health and remind each other that if they need anything, all of us will be ready to drop everything to offer a hand. It’s fun to mind your own business, it shields us from even more troubles, it gives us more time to do works instead, it gives us more time to just talk to each other.

Here’s some of the things that I think helped us to be stronger as family each day despite a pressuring, tiring setting:

1. Choose each other every day.

— Just like any other relationship, it needs work and consistency. To be consistently there for them, to be able to share thoughts and laughs, to be supportive of what they do, all of these are some of the things that make us choose our friends everyday. Sometimes, it doesn’t need words, just our presence, and that is choosing them. Everyone can walk out of things out of nowhere, without explanations, cut everything off abruptly, so choosing them to be with you and being chosen to have you by them are some of the things to be grateful everyday.

I am a low maintenance friend, I barely talk to my friends, I barely go out with them because I tend to choose a good sleep or a day at home than to go outsided. But whenever I’m with them, I do show them I like it being there by clinging to them. My love language is physical touch, and that can’t be seen or felt when I’m away from them. Some of my friends before misunderstand this by saying I am too detached or cold especially when we can’t see each other, but in reality, I just can’t show that I am there for them because I am not present physically. This is why I’m thankful to the Arnold, Shereen, and Engel for choosing me everyday, they don’t misunderstand me as cold or detached and know well that I show my love to them by being clingy or touchy, they understand me even though I show things through my actions instead of talking directly to them. We are understanding of each other’s needed spaces, we are aware that all of us 4 have different ways of showing we care and showing that we choose each other everyday.

2. Got something that doesn’t sit well within your group? Talk it out!

— Trust me when I say, there are still people who say that they are loyal to their circle, but then you hear them talking badly about the same people. It does not help you and your relationship with your friends grow. Instead of going to other people’s backs and flaunt their flaw by making an issue out of it. Why not talk it with them about it? Friends understand each other, they are willing to hear constructive criticism especially if it’s from their friends. There is nothing wrong with talking about issues, that doesn’t mean that you and your friends are already arguing, it means that all of you care for each other enough to be honest with them. If it is something that doesn’t sit well within the whole group, it is great to sit in one place and talk about it, why it looks off, how it can affect the friendship, and resolve everything from that. We don’t need people from outside our immediate circle’s opinions, what we need is a good talk within our circle so the issue will die down instead of piling up that can have a negative outcome in the long term.

All of us 4 were in the same research group (PR2), it is an inside joke that after the defense or by the end of the semester, we would all get into a fight and break off because of the stress we had to go through while making our research paper. It is now a week after the defense and a couple of days since we passed our hard copy of our research paper, and we’re stronger than ever! The thing about it is that we didn’t let the stress get into us. When it is worktime, we work merely as classmates, we work as professionals. When the worktime is over, we talk again as sisters, if there are issues that need to be addressed we talk about it, we don’t stay there and act clueless, we talk it out because we know that the 4 of us will call each other out for the sake of self-improvement. There are other friendships that get destroyed because of backstabbing, and that is something we don’t do. Whatever that is needed to be addressed, will be addressed within the group.

3. Don’t make other people’s issues the center and bonding of your group.

— There are some groups who bond over gossiping. That is completely toxic and shallow, another people’s business should not be yours especially if it doesn’t affect you or your group. Yes, it is inevitable to talk about issues here and there, but for it to be the center of your group’s bonding and be a topic of everyday is tiring.

We talk about issues when it involves one of our members, we help that friend out so they can figure out what to do. We also talk about the issues of other people for a hot minute then it will be dropped because what’s the good in that? It’s funny how the 4 of us don’t even know the latest ‘chikas’ and just be informed about it after months, we don’t force people to share with us what they have for the sake of laughs and judgements. It’s tiring to always talking about issues especially if it those don’t concern the group at all so we stray away from it.

4. When works are too much, distract each other by talking non-academic things!

— It is important to not talk about academics all the time, after being in the school for most of the day, it is refreshing to hear something outside school life. Especially when the workload is heavy and you only have little time to take a break, you wouldn’t want to hear more topics about school in that break time.

Our personal distraction is BTS, korean artists from South Korea. I dragged them into watching videos, concerts performances, edits, listening to their music, talking about the theories and the books BTS used for references in their story lines. It is fun that we’re all fans now, I bring my laptop with me everytime I know that there will be a vacant time so all of us can watch a newly released content of BTS. Instead of us stressing about academics during our break, we share laughs and appreciation about BTS. This helps a lot because it gives us bonding time and a relaxation of mind at the same time.

5. Go out, a ‘gala’ makes more time for bonding.

— Going out with your friends is therapeutic, it might make your wallet cry out for help, but it doesn’t compare to the feeling of happiness because you had spend time with your loved one. Being away from home can make us sad and homesick, so why not go to our nearest family that is our friends?

The galas of our tiny group isn’t miles away from Metro Manila (except for one, when the 4 of us went to Cavite for Engel’s debut), it is roaming around SM Sta. Mesa, Pureza, Teresa, PUP Main, and Master Buffalo. Most of our little galas don’t even cost us a fortune in terms of fares, it cost us a fortune because of the amount of money we spend on food, especially after a long and tiring day. Sometimes we go out to just eat, or accompany each other while buying makeup or going to our waxing appointments. It’s the little things, as long as we’re together, I consider it as a date and a bondting time.

6. Ask each other about their headspace first before venting out to them.

— This is probably the most important part of our friendship. We look for ourselves and each other out simultaneously. It is important to know If they are in the right headspace before we vent out, if we don’t take these things seriously it might harm them mentally. It is not only the physical health we look out for in ourselves and in our friends, but also each other’s mental health and their capacity to take in things from us.

Shereen and Engel are more outspoken of something that bothers them, it’s amazing how easily they can cry and let their frustrations out, they are things they choose to not talk about, of course, but most of their issues are familiar to us because they are open about it. Arnold and I, however, tend to shy away from being open, we endure things first get our patience run out before we say something. Arnold and I barely cry and barely show that we’re sad or bothered, but when we do, we talk it out with the group. We usually start with ‘okay ka lang ba?’ then proceed to asking ‘okay lang bang mag-open sayo?’, if there is a go-signal then that’s the time we can talk about heavy issues, if there’s no response or hesitation, we don’t take it personally and hold a grudge, it only means that they are not mentally ready to absorb another heavy issue beside their personal ones. We understand that we are not each other’s therapist, but we will be there for each other no matter what, we understand that sometimes, not being able to lend an ear and a mind because of personal shortcomings, our hands and shoulders are still there for them.

7. Offer a hand if it’s available.

— Now when you are mentally and physically ready or available, offer a hand! Sometimes, our friends reach out for a hand for something as little as helping them cut or hold papers, print out their papers for them, buying them food, etc. Again, it’s the little things, even the smallest of things they need help with is still an ‘ask’ for help, so do it!

I am a very flimsy person, so I ask them for help whenever I need to cut papers or do some things that require extra carefulness. They ask me out for help with designs, grammar corrections, and many other little things I’m truly happy to help them out with!

8. Appreciate each other, their works, their attitude, after a tough day.

— At the end of the day, we want some validation and pat on the back for the hardwork we did because, hey! you survived, and you deserve love for that. Our friends are the ones we first go when we need some kind of validation, when we ask for their opinions, when we are tired and we need some hug or a massage. It is so fun to make your drained friends they feel like they can’t even put up a smile, grin wide because you appreciated their work and their work ethic.

Before a tiring day, we wish goodluck and tell each other‘kayang-kaya mo yan! sexbomb ka eh!’ and proceed on our work. After that tiring day, we kiss each other goodbye, saying they did well. We open our groupchat, congratulate and say ‘I love you’s’ to each other, might sound cheesy, but I truly appreciate it, to be there for someone and to be able to say that they did great. When they achieve something, be their number 1 supporter!

9. Empower each other, cross the competition out.

— Competition can be ugly, it is toxic because you tend to hate the person who may go or achieve higher than you, it produces a bad mindset and hinders us from developing a civil or healthy relationship. Especially in PUPSHS setting where there is no top 1 or top 10, everyone can be in the honor roll if they meet the grade quota. So, instead of tearing each other’s neck for the sake of being higher than the other in terms of honor ranking, we help each other out so all of us will be in the same page.

Thriving academically in PUP is fulfilling, it is one of every student’s goals as they start the semester. All of us 4 are consistent honor students ever since we started going to school, and fortunately, up until now. We help each other out by giving notes and reviewers, asking each other out about the important points of a topic, giving opinions about an output so it can be improved, studying together, etc. I tend to enjoy studying when I’m with them and I remember what I studied for when they ask me about it, the same thing works for them, so we go into that setup. We are all parts of the honor roll and I couldn’t be more proud of them! They deserve it, the recognition they are getting are truly hard earned and I’m glad to be there beside them all throughout.