#avoid avoid

every major choice i made was based on what would make me money and i'm still doing it. i didn't pick childhood education because i want to. i picked it because it might make money. not a lot but enough to where i can pay bills.

being poor is such a fucking fear for me now. i don't want to go back to that life. i don't want to be afraid of where my food is coming from or my power going out or being unable to contact anyone.

i'm so fucking afraid that i'm letting it run my life and i have to stop.

and it's not the first time i've felt like this since i started back. it's been a constant thing. i'm not excited to be there. i'm not enjoying it.

i'm hating every second. 

and i know like everyone is probably like "well duh it's school" but like...

the only two classes i needed for my major? already dropped them. granted they were both online, but i already feel so overwhelmed. i am just simply not prepared.

i hate this. i hate feeling like i've made some huge mistake and now everyone is expecting something i cannot deliver.

i'd honestly rather look for a job than deal with this. and that's the exact words i told marcus.

i know he'll support me no matter what but i feel like such a disappointment.

the fact that i'm already looking at changing my major says everything.

i don't want to be here. i hate this.