You Get What You Give (You’ve Got The Music In You) || Avidanders
Scanning into the Music and Performance building, Danny hurried downstairs to the basement area below the college classrooms. He was definitely late getting to the rented practice room he signed up for. He was lucky that his ID card even scanned him in because that even had a time constraint. He needed to practice his guitar skills for the tour he was planning to do soon and he knew that he was pretty rusty. He'd normally not mind practicing in the quad or the space of the Gamma house, but a lot of new people had made an appearance on Greek Row and he wasn't sure if he was prepared to show this practiced hobby yet. With a huff, he went to the sign-in sheet on the far end of the room he walked in, eyes going to his time slot to see that someone had already put their signature. "Fuck..." he groaned and a dramatic roll of his head as he went to a spare seat in the waiting room. He'd just have to wait until someone came out then.
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“Please don’t marry him,” Danny whispers, face half-buried in Thomas’s hair as he spoons him from behind. It’s the first time in a while either of them has acknowledged the upcoming union out loud, both avoiding it for their own sanity, both terrified it would break this fragile affair. Danny feels almost worse asking than leaving it to hover over them constantly, getting heavier and heavier as the wedding draws closer. And now… now it’s the night before Thomas is getting married, and he’s here, with him. He can feel Thomas tense in his arms, and knows he feels the same, but… but he has to try. If he doesn’t try, then what will he have? If Thomas keeps coming back to him, he will always be drowning in guilt and this burning love that he can do almost nothing about, and he’ll be terrified for the day to come that Thomas doesn’t come back. If Thomas leaves him… he can’t even bear to think of it, is afraid of what his life would become without being able to touch, hold, kiss, love this sweet, Sunshine boy.
“D…” Thomas says softly, voice full of misery, and Danny’s gut twists further with guilt and pain.
“I-I mean it. I don’t… I don’t even know what would happen if you married him. Would you keep us both? Cos… I wouldn’t say no. If you still come back to me, I would never say no.” Thomas twists in his arms so he can look up at him, eyes big and shiny with unshed tears, guilt and pain on his face. Danny cups his cheek softly, thumb stroking over his cheekbone, and he hates himself for ruining this. “But what if, one day… you don’t come back?”
“I always will,” Thomas says softly, a promise, though there’s an edge of uncertainty to it that burns Danny.
“You can’t promise that,” Danny whispers, and Thomas watches him, eyes even sadder, not answering, finding truth in those words, and god but that hurts. “I would never stop waiting for you, y’know? Even if you said it was over, forever, no chance for me. You’re… all I want, Sunshine. My world wouldn’t turn without you. If you were gone, I’d be like one of those stories of a dog waiting there, exactly where their best friend left them, until the day I die. Long after I’ve given up hope, I’d… I would be there, missing you.” His voice cracks a little on his last sentence, and Thomas looks like he’s teetering on the edge of a full breakdown.
“Danny, please, I-I don’t…” Thomas squeezes his eyes shut, tears leaking out, and Danny wishes he could take it all back.
“We’d break each other’s hearts,” he replies softly, voice a pained murmur, and he can already feel it. Only four months into this, and he can already tell how utterly crushing losing Thomas would be.
“I-I never w-wanna break your heart, Moonlight.”
Maybe he already has. But every single ounce of heartbreak, even an infinite amount, would be worth it if he got to keep Thomas, at the end of it all.
“I know, Tommy.” Danny can’t seem to stop looking at Thomas, just taking in his every feature, memorizing him from up close. Who knows when he can have this again, after all? Or if he ever will? “If you want to… e-end this now, you can.” He’ll probably leave him a lot of voicemails when he’s wasted, though, after leaving the wedding early. He might not even be able to go.
Thomas doesn’t answer, just clings to him tighter, and Danny wishes he didn’t know what that silence means. He doesn’t know why he’d even asked him, why he couldn’t just ride this out until it inevitably crashed and burned, until Danny was eventually left broken and alone and Thomas got his happily ever after with someone who wasn’t him, who would never be him. At least then, he’d get to keep him for longer.
He just wants him for as long as he can have him.
“No.”
Danny’s eyebrows furrow slightly, confused by the simple word. He draws back a little, but Thomas just leans into the distance he tries to place between them. “No?” Thomas’s eyes open to look up at him, brighter now, more alive - though there’s the everlasting wisps of guilt and sadness that almost always seem to be there nowadays.
“I don’t want to. E-end this, I mean. I don’t… I can’t say goodbye to you. Not ever. I-I don’t… Danny, you’re… the most important person ever to me.”
“Ever?” Danny can’t help asking, gaze full of confusion and vague pain. “Even including--”
“Yes, including Ethan,” Thomas admits, voice a little quieter now, but firm.
“You love him.”
“I love you, too.” It’s the first time either of them have ever said those words to each other with so much meaning behind them, and Danny’s breath catches slightly, eyes searching his for any insincerity. “I love you, Leigh Daniel Avidan. More… more than anyone, more than him, more than I thought could be possible. I… I’m not leaving you on the side of the road, ever, and I’m never… never going to leave you, period.”
Danny feels an odd warmth seeping into him from his heart out, slowly taking pain’s place. “But… you’re marrying him,” he argues a little weakly, unable to say those words back, not now, not when everything’s still so god damn uncertain.
Thomas hesitates a little, glancing to the side, clear conflict crossing his expression, and Danny watches, slightly awed that he’s actually considering…
He might not marry him.
Danny doesn’t breathe for a second, just watching him as he seems to make up his mind. Their eyes meet again, and Thomas gives a small, nervous smile - he’s so clearly terrified of whatever he decided, panicking even, and Danny’s hand slides down his arm and slips into his hand, gripping it to try and bring comfort, his own heart pounding. Thomas leans into him and kisses him softly, maybe in an attempt to calm them both, and it does. “Run away with me instead?” Thomas whispers against his lips, and Danny’s sure he couldn’t have heard him right.
“You… you’re choosing me?” he asks, voice hushed and awed as he pulls back enough to look at him properly.
Thomas swallows hard, nodding. “I… I’ve been getting cold feet lately - since the night he asked, really… And I think that, in the long run, he’d make me happy, but… I think there’s someone else that’d make me happier.” Danny makes a small, breathy noise, gripping him just a little tighter. “Y-you, I mean. You make me so happy, D…”
He could weep, he truly could.
Before the tears building can start to fall, he pulls Thomas into his lap, kissing him soundly, desperately, like he won’t ever get another chance to. But he will. He will get every chance to, and a million more, and he’s not sure he’s ever been this happy before. Thomas. He has Thomas, his Thomas, and it’s a miracle, it’s salvation, it’s Heaven in its purest form.
Thomas is kissing him back just as desperately, and for once… there’s hope.
“You didn’t answer my question,” Thomas murmurs with a soft (slightly choked) laugh.
“Question?” Danny asks a little dazedly, smiling at him.
“Will you run away with me?”
“Right now?”
“I’d rather not be here for the… fallout. And I do have a fully paid honeymoon that we can go on. O-or not, if…” Danny can tell he doesn’t want to say the words, and there’s a slight queasiness in his stomach, but he smiles. “But I wanna go somewhere, with you. Where none of it matters.”
“Let’s go somewhere that’s like, the complete opposite, then. A place for just you and me.”
“What’s the opposite of Paris?” Thomas asks with a small laugh, squeezing him a little.
“Las Vegas?” Danny tries, honestly just saying the first thing to pop into his mind, but Thomas lights up at the suggestion, nodding eagerly.
“Las Vegas. You and me,” he whispers, leaning in a little closer, pressing a sweet kiss to Danny’s lips. “Get away from it all for a little… I’ll call ahead, you pack a bag? I’ll just borrow some of your clothes till we get down there…” God, but the image of that in Danny’s mind is so tantalizing, and he nods quickly. “And then we can be together.” Thomas’s small smile is full of wonder, and hope. Danny can’t help but return it. “We won’t have to worry about a thing… it’ll just be us, and happiness, and lots of kissing and…”
“You and me, Sunny T.”
“Mark?” Thomas asks, voice colored with surprise as he answers the phone, one hand on the wheel and a quick glance to the sleeping wonder in the seat beside him. “I, uh, was actually just about to call you… What’s up?”
“I’m heading over to your room now - you haven’t started getting ready yet, have you?”
“Uh, no, I--”
“Good. Come open the door.”
“I’m…….. not there, right now.”
There’s a beat of silence.
“You too?”
“Too?”
“Ethan, uh… he just called me, told me… he can’t go through with the wedding.”
Thomas doesn’t know how to feel about that.
“Oh.”
“He’s in love with someone else.”
“Who? A-actually, none of my business, but…”
“Are you okay?”
He is, he really is. “It’s Tyler, isn’t it?”
“...Yes.”
Thomas breathes out a shaky sigh, both relieved and hurt. But… well, he’d done the same thing, hadn’t he? “Okay. I’m fine, Mark, I promise. I’ll see you in a few weeks?”
“A few weeks?? Where--”
“Probably more. Don’t worry about it. I’m happy. Give Ethan my best, alright? I still… I’m happy for him, I am. Be happy for me too, okay?”
“...Okay. But I… I’m worried.”
“I love you, kiddo. Thanks for worrying, really, but… I’m fine. More than fine.” He glances over at Danny again as he hangs up, smiling slowly. Just him, this beautiful boy, and a road they’re paving together.
The first thrust, Thomas is pretty sure, kills him instantly.
The second revives him, rejuvenates him, and he moans obscenely loud with how good it is, shattering his world and dragging all his ignored emotions out to light. It's heaven on earth, almost an out of body experience.
He's probably being a bit dramatic, really, but he has every right to be.
Danny is buried inside him, after so, so long, and Thomas never knew that he could want sex this much, miss it this much… It's such a physical expression of love through bringing your partner pleasure, and this… this…
It feels like coming home in the most deep and primal ways, and Thomas suddenly can't get enough.
His legs squeeze around Danny's hips, arms still wound around his shoulders, and he doesn't even notice the friction of his back rubbing against the wall. Not with how Danny thrusts into him, taking him like he owns him, and Thomas is inclined to say that he does.
He pants Danny's name, moaning and gasping and almost screaming when he hits that spot, and the entire world seems to be erased from his mind in favor of the fireworks exploding inside him.
He sobs, clinging to him tighter, rolling his hips in time with Danny's, and it's impossible to him that he's not allowed to do this all the time. Technically, he's not even allowed to do it now.
Thomas manages to tilt his face toward Danny's, find and capture his lips with his own, trading him for air, for everything, letting Danny take over his every sense. It's like he's taking him apart, making all those fractures and breaks in him into full blown cracks so he can fill every single one up with this moment, with this intoxicating mix of pure emotion, pure love, pure lust. His fingers tangle in Danny's hair, growling as he holds him close, kissing him like his life depends on it.
Maybe it does, in a way.
The glow seems to envelope him, creating this perfect bubble of just them, just two souls becoming one, just this. All he wants is more, more, more, and his orgasm takes him completely by surprise. It feels like he explodes, supernova style, his entire universe lit up by Danny's light and intense fireworks, burning through him. He's sure he cries out Danny's name, sure that his face is covered in tears, and it's so good, too good - especially when he feels Danny cum with him, when the ring of his voice echoes through his vast universe.
It's a miracle he ever comes back down from his high, still clinging to Danny as the other man leans into him like dead weight. Both of them exhausted beyond words. With a shuddering breath, Danny starts to pull out, but Thomas grips his shoulder tighter. “Wait,” he gasps out, head dipping into the crook of his neck as he tries to catch some of his breath back. “Fuck, please, D, just… s-stay inside me a little longer,” he manages, voice thick with emotion. He burns and aches with oversensitivity, but he needs to hold onto this for as long as he can. It's been so long since he's had this, and now that he's blissed out in the aftermath, he needs to cling to it.
Who knows when he'll get to have this again?
“O-okay,” he whispers finally. Danny hesitates only a moment before pulling out of him with a soft groan.
“Fuck, Tommy,” he says when he finally pulls all the way out, nudging his face against his until Thomas gets the idea and tilts his face toward Danny's. He kisses him sloppily, languid in his movements, lips moving against his so sweetly, so familiar.
Thomas so desperately wants to tell him he loves him. Danny must know, right? They were married, after all.
Danny pulls away from the wall, holding Thomas up still, and brings him to the bed, laying him down sweetly. He pulls away enough to look down at him, and Thomas flushes under his gaze, biting his lip.
“So fucking gorgeous,” he murmurs, running his fingers gently through that purple hair. Tightening and giving a tug, like he’d wanted to when he first saw Thomas walk into that courtyard with it newly dyed.
Thomas mewls softly, head nuzzling into the hand, and Danny cleans them up with some tissues before climbing into bed next to him. Pulling him close.
Thomas wraps himself around his almost husband, just breathing him in. He missed this even more, he thinks.
Standing outside of Danny's room, trying to work up the courage to knock. He doesn't know what he wants to say, or the point of this whole venture, but…
Does it matter?
He just wanted to see him. Danny hasn't been his for a while now, but he still always wants to see him.
Now, though…
He can hear distinctly feminine giggling through the door, and Danny's own responding laugh, and there's an uneasiness in his chest. He wouldn't… would he?
He's left standing there, staring down that door, until he hears the bathroom door shutting closed. If she's out of the room, it may be his only chance. Taking a few deep breaths, he finally brings himself to knock on the door.
There's a light smacking of bare feet on the floor as someone approaches, and then…
A curvy, lovely girl answers the door, face bright and happy, content. Her hair is messy and her cheeks a bit flushed, and… and… she's wearing Danny's t-shirt. Only Danny's t-shirt. It just barely covers her, her long, bare legs out for anyone to see. It takes absolutely all of Thomas’ willpower to hold himself together, offer her a slight smile, and ignore the churning nausea in his stomach.
“Hey. Um. Is… is Danny here?” he asks, a pang running through his heart at saying his name.
“Oh! Yes, sorry, he just got in the shower,” she replies with a small laugh, like sweet bells. “I was just about to join him, actually…” And if there was any doubt in his mind about what she and Danny had been up to, or what they were giggling about, it would have been completely eradicated by that statement. So painfully clear.
“Oh, right. I'm… sorry to interrupt,” he replies, giving a forced laugh.
“It's totally fine! Actually… if you’d like, I wouldn't mind you joining us,” she replies, a devious smirk rising to those lovely lips, and she honest to god looks like an angel. Just… one with a devilish side.
Thomas almost hurls.
“I'm good, but thanks. Danny's just a.. close friend of mine. Mind not telling him I dropped by?”
She blinks, expression falling, obviously stunned that her charms didn't work. “Oh. Uh. Sure?”
“Cool. Thanks.” And Thomas turns to leave, but pauses, needing to ask one more thing. He glances back to the girl still in the doorway, eyebrows furrowed together, sweet little crease in her forehead. “What's your name?” He doesn't want her to be some nameless girl, if he's going to be tearing himself up over this for the next few decades.
“Gabbie,” she replies, that charming smile rising once more.
Thomas isn't sure how to feel about that. Better, worse? He nods, giving a tight smile, and then he's practically racing away, needing to get out of this house and go find a quiet place to sob and scream. Maybe hit something, like a tree. He just feels too damn much to be contained, heart racing and aching and burning and he can't seem to breathe, can't seem to stop the tears as he makes it outside.
It's none of his business, but it hurts more than anything to know he's moving on, or… or…
He sinks onto the porch of Theta when he reaches it, sobs wrecking his chest and vision too fuzzy. He curls into himself, wondering if she's the only one, if she's satisfying something for him that Thomas simply couldn't, if they’d end up together and happy and not naively running into something swirling and meaningful and beautiful, but short lived. He couldn't bear that. It would be like losing him a second time.
“Fuck,” he whispers to himself, pained and alone. The curse feels right, just then, settles into him, an expression that seems to encompass everything so simply. “Fuck.”
“See, the problem is…” Danny starts, hand pressed flat against the wall beside Thomas’s head, looming over him. Thomas can only stare up at him, heart fluttering at the proximity. “If I started kissing you, I don’t think I’d be able to stop.” He shudders as the taller boy’s eyes fall to his lips, suddenly finding it hard to breathe or think properly.
“I-I… don’t see how that’s a, uh, a problem,” he manages to say, voice kinda small, and the smirk that rises to Danny’s lips as his eyes flick back up to meet the shorter boy’s is wholly unfair, turning Thomas’s heart and mind to mush. Gosh, but he’s so pretty, kinda looking like an angel from the way the light shines behind him – though he knows that Danny would argue differently.
“Yeah, baby?” Danny asks, leaning in closer with bright eyes. Thomas swallows hard and nods, eyes wide and lips parted, looking absolutely awed. He is in awe, actually, has been since he met him. His hand carefully presses to Danny’s chest, fingers tightening in his shirt, tugging him a little closer, feigning confidence.
Honestly, in his mind, he couldn't possibly be worthy of Danny. He doesn't get why the taller always comes back, keeps kissing him like Thomas means something.
Does he?
“Y-yeah,” he says, lips turning up in a small smile. “I think I’d 100% be okay living with a whole lifetime of literally just kissing you.” His cheeks darken a little at the words, hitting a little too close to home. But, if he’s not mistaken, there’s a faint pinkness to Danny’s cheeks as well.
“You know, I think I would be too,” Danny replies, voice going soft, like it’s a confession.
His heart flutters, and surely Danny doesn’t mean anything more than just enjoying kissing him. Thomas feels like he’s probably very alone in his pure longing for the other boy, deeper than any crush has the right to be, but still. He leans up, then, catching his lips with his own, making a soft noise at the sparks that fly within him, fire lighting up under his skin as he pulls Danny closer, needing him there, just wanting this.
His entire world centers on where Danny’s lips meet his own, applying the perfect pressure as he kisses him back - it’s a miracle that the other boy wants this too, in any capacity. Everything glows, and burns, and nothing matters except this.
Except him.
And sometimes, when Thomas feels how sweetly Danny kisses him back, or sees how he looks at him, he thinks he might matter too.
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As the brand new kindergarten teacher, he figured he’d be safe from such a silly little thing - after all, working in an elementary school has gotta be the most low-stakes job for developing a crush. But apparently, he was not as lucky as he thought he’d be.
After lunch is electives - Art class on Mondays and Thursdays, Phys Ed on Wednesdays, and Music class on Tuesdays and Fridays. Which means that during his first week, on his second day, he met the music teacher.
It’s a brief encounter, a small chat with Mr. Avidan after leading his students down to the music room, but the effect was devastatingly powerful.
“Hey! I’m Thomas, or… Mr. Sanders? I’m not sure how I’m supposed to introduce myself to other teachers,” he says with a small laugh, offering him his hand to shake. The taller teacher offers him a warm smile, shaking his hand, and Thomas could swear he feels sparks flicker at the touch, and a wonderful, butterfly-filled warmth filling him up.
“Mr. Avidan, but Danny’s fine,” he replies, and it takes absolutely all of Thomas’ willpower to take his hand back.
“You worked here long?” he asks, needing something to say besides something stupid, like I wanna put my mouth on your mouth.
He was never known for being smooth.
“A few years, now. They make up for being horribly off-key with enthusiasm,” Danny says, eyes flickering over to gaze at the students in line, giggling and poking at each other. There’s a fondness in his eyes for them that makes Thomas feel even warmer, makes him want to find out why he teaches, what his passions are, what makes him happy. A dangerous desire to have.
“You could say that music isn’t really their… forte?” Thomas asks, unable to help the pun. Danny’s eyes dart back to meet his, a surprised amusement taking over his expression.
“How clef-er,” he shoots back, and Thomas swears he swoons.
“I’ve been told I’m pretty sharp.” Danny gives a soft laugh, his expression so warm, and only the class bell ringing brings him back from the precipice he is so carelessly dangling himself off of.
“Enjoy your free hour,” Danny says, regarding him a little peculiarly, and Thomas grins back.
“I do kinda need a rest.”
“C’mon Tommy, I know you can do better than that,” he replies with a wink, and then he’s turning to the class of students for their attention, leading them into the music room. Thomas stands there with the biggest smile on his face for a few moments too long before he pulls himself together, heading back to his own classroom.
And if he spends a little too much time researching music-themed puns, well… can you blame him?
Thomas manages to get a few more small chats with Danny in - he makes him laugh a total of 8 times, not that he’s counting - and it’s frustratingly hard to find excuses to talk to him that first week, especially when it’s the rush of the new school year starting.
Friday after school, however, Thomas is passing by the music room on his way out - he’d stayed behind long enough for most everyone to clear out - he hears the soft sound of a guitar coupled with sweet singing, and he pauses. The door is cracked open, and he peeks inside, eyes falling immediately upon the fluffy-haired man. His back is turned to him and he’s strumming a guitar, head tilted toward the windows.
“…I lost myself in a familiar song… I closed my eyes and I slipped away…” Thomas swallows a little, leaning against the doorway and feeling those familiar butterflies flutter to life inside of him. “It's more than a feeling, when I hear that old song they used to play… I begin dreaming, 'Till I see Marianne walk away… I see my Marianne walkin' away.” There’s something so beautiful in the croon of Danny’s voice, and he suddenly feels like he’s intruding on a private moment, something too intimate.
He knocks lightly on the door to draw his attention, and Danny looks back at him, fingers stilling on the guitar and voice pausing - but then, oddly enough, he only smiles bigger, nods his head for him to come in, and keeps singing. Thomas almost hesitantly enters the room, then takes a seat right next to Danny, watching the way his fingers strummed the strings with rapt interest.
“So many people have come and gone… Their faces fade as the years go by… Yet I still recall as I wander on… As clear as the sun in the summer sky…” Thomas smiles a little, foot tapping along to the familiar tune. “It’s more than a feeling…”
“More than a feeling,” Thomas echoes, singing softly in comparison. Danny’s eyes widen a little in surprise, but he smiles more.
“When I hear that old song they used to play...”
“More than a feeling…”
“I begin dreaming…”
“More than a feeling…”
“'Till I see Marianne walk away…”
“I see my Marianne walkin' away…” They both sing this line, voices syncing up in a surprisingly wonderful harmony, and Thomas feels unjustifiably giddy. Danny strums the guitar, eyes closing a little, and just before the solo is up he glances back to the newer teacher. “Take this verse?”
Thomas nods a little, hesitant, but sings, “When I'm tired and thinking cold… I hide in my music, forget the day… And dream of a girl I used to know… I closed my eyes and she slipped away… She slipped away…”
They come together for the last verse, and Thomas’ heart beats a little faster with it. He laughs happily as the final note comes to a close, feeling giddy and wondrous.
“Sorry to hijack your singing session,” he says, vaguely embarrassed.
“Singing is almost always better with someone by your side,” Danny replies, rolling his eyes a little and smiling as he sets his guitar to the side.
“You’re so right, actually,” Thomas replies, smiling sweetly at him. Danny blinks a little as he looks at him, looking almost caught off-guard by something, and he looks back out the window.
“What's up, Thomas?” His expression is a little odd - unreadable, but not bad.
Hopefully not bad.
“Oh, I uh… I wanted to ask your opinion on something…”
They’d actually had a really good talk, one that eventually strayed from school subjects to more personal, friendly topics. Like, he learns that Danny’s favorite Shakespeare play is The Tempest, and his favorite movie is The Last Unicorn, and he’s currently teaching a student to play some classic rock on guitar. Every new small fact and joke makes Thomas fall harder, and this is probably the biggest crush he’s had since high school, or maybe ever.
It's a good conversation.
When he glances at the clock on the wall, an hour has passed without them noticing. Danny has to leave, apologizing a little and telling him he can’t wait to see him next week.
Thomas gets just a little too hopeful at that, but that’s okay. Even if Danny doesn’t like him back, he’s… happy, just to occasionally have his company. Even if it’s just briefly between classes, or early in the morning in the Teacher’s Lounge, or even sometimes after school.
His feelings only get stronger with time, but he doesn’t mind.
Thomas doesn't entirely know how he got so lucky tonight.
He’d been sobbing practically the entire wedding, mourning his own lost marriage, nostalgic and pained over that beautiful day out on the water. And, not to mention, he's always generally emotional during weddings, loving love so much. It… hurt, even more, having been there himself and lost it all.
Still, the day wasn't about him, so he tried not to draw attention.
And yet… somehow, he managed to catch the attention of the only person he really wanted to talk to. It was hard, keeping himself from falling apart, or making some horribly revealing declaration, or just pushing Danny up against a wall and…
Probably best not to think about it, still pressed against Danny as the other leads him back to his house. It's achingly reminiscent of their “first date,” when Danny led him to the door and they kissed for the first time, where all of this was set in motion.
He spaces out a little once they reach the porch, and when he finally focuses again, he's sitting on his bed, tugging his shoes off slowly. Danny is shifting in front of him, looking flighty and unsure, and Thomas takes a shaky breath.
"I know that Gamma's not that far, but you've probably had a long day... and like you said, you've been feeling mentally tired, and I mean, walking home alone is no fun... and we already know that my bed is big enough for two, and we can even split it up with pillows if we have to…” he starts, words a little messy with the wine. He sucks in a breath, trying to gather himself back up. “But. Um. Right. If you don't wanna make the trek, and are just... like, too tired, you can just... stay. I mean, I'm okay if you stay! I get it, it's far to walk when you're tired! I-if you're okay to go to Gamma, though, that's, y'know, great, of course... just. Um, text me when you make it? Since it's such a long walk. Or don't, I'm sure it'll be fine..." He swallows, closing his eyes a little, unable to look at Danny, waiting for the rejection he's sure is coming. He's so… stupid.
But that rejection just… doesn't come. There's only quiet, Danny's shifting coming to a halt, and Thomas feels his anxiety spike but also a teensy bit of hope. “That… that’d be okay with me,” Danny finally says, a little carefully, and Thomas tries not to give him a wide eyed stare… or worse, just full on kiss him.
Instead, Danny just takes off his jacket, asking if he can borrow clothes to sleep in - vaguely, Thomas knows he nods, but his mind is too occupied with the fact that Danny is… staying. He's tugging off his shirt right now, in front of him, and changing into Thomas’ clothes, and he's not sure if he really knows how to breathe, anymore.
It takes absolutely everything in him to look away, because he's technically not allowed to look anymore. Danny isn't his. He may never be again, which is such a heart-wrenching thought that he almost cries out, or whimpers, but he bites his lip hard to keep it down. He's such a mess tonight.
He changes clumsily on the bed, which really just consists of pulling his fancy clothes off and pulling a t-shirt on, too tired to bother with pajama pants.
He lays down, slipping under the covers, and he means to ask if Danny wants him to set up the pillows to separate them, but his mouth goes a little dry as he looks up at Danny, wearing his clothes again. His shirt is actually a little big on the taller boy, which is ridiculous in an amazing way, and Thomas can't help the way his heart skips a beat as Danny leans down. Those achingly familiar lips find his forehead, and then he's climbing into bed beside him, looking for all the world like this is all fine. Two friends spending the night, nothing more than that.
Waking up is… confusing.
At some point, they’d wrapped up into each other, like everything had gone back to normal. Maybe they were just magnets, always drawn together. Thomas doesn't even process that there’d be any reason for the distance that should be there. He's allowed to shift closer to him in this pocket of time, face tilting up toward him, eyes squinting out just a bit. His movements must stir Danny, because the other man tugs him a little closer and then… miraculously… he kisses him.
For one brilliant moment, everything in Thomas' universe seems to click back into place, like everything hadn't been overturned just a few weeks ago. He doesn't want to pull away, just doesn't, but inevitably one of them does and he can't open his eyes yet, just basking in the warmth, scared that when he opens his eyes the world will somehow go back to grayscale. He can't remember why it was so bland, at the moment, but he knows he will if he brings himself out of it.
"Tommy?" Danny asks, voice soft and concerned and a little scared, which is just so... wrong to Thomas, Danny being scared, that he opens his eyes. There's a look of vague shock on the other boy's face, like he'd just done something unforgivable, and Thomas feels the blood rush from him.
Before either of them can panic too much, Thomas says quickly, "It's okay! I-it's just out of reflex - last time we woke up together, we were together and could kiss, so of course we did now. It's okay, I'm not upset, we're okay, it's... it's totally fine, and normal." He doesn't want to lose Danny anymore than he already has.
Danny stares at him for a quiet moment, expression softening, the words soothing in a way that Thomas is thankful for. He nods a little, and, to Thomas's surprise, kisses him again, slowly and surely. It only lasts a few seconds, but in Thomas’ mind it feels like it could've lasted an eternity. He's melting so easily into it when Danny pulls away, barely an inch of space between their lips. Thomas is… having difficulty breathing normally, heart fluttering, confused but desperately needing more.
"So if I did that.... it'd be okay, right?" Danny's words contain an unsurety, like he's scared Thomas will turn him away at the very obvious move. "Since… we're used to it, maybe we should, um..." He lays another kiss on his lips, and Thomas' hands reach up to grip his shirt and hair, melting even more with it. "...get it out of our systems? Get over the reflex?" Probably the worst method to get over wanting to kiss someone ever, but Thomas is definitely not complaining.
"I’m okay with that, maybe it'll work..." he replies, and they both know that it's a lie, but it gives them an excuse to make out in the early morning sunlight, holding and tugging and gripping, because they've both been craving just this, and… the reality is, they just really needed this excuse.
Thomas is already half laying on Danny, which makes shifting completely on top of him very easy. Danny just drags him even closer, bodies pressed together, no room for light to pass through.
At this moment, though, they both feel like light.
At some point, Danny's fingers drift lightly over his ass, and Thomas gives a small shudder, sucking his lower lip. So, of course, the only natural response is for Danny to grab his ass, crashing their hips together, and Thomas moans faintly, fingers tightening in his hair.
Thomas pulls back just a little, panting hard, peering down at him. He's sure his cheeks are brightly flushed, pupils blown wide, lips wet, but… if anything, when Danny's eyes finally roam over his expression, he just looks hungry. Thomas swallows hard, and he's definitely half-hard, wanting, desperate for this and more.
“W-we probably, um, shouldn't… have sex,” he says, though he doesn't sound very convinced (and his gut kinda twists unhappily when he realized he couldn't say “make love”). It's just… for their own sanity… it wouldn't be the most helpful.
“Probably not,” Danny replies, voice just as unsteady, but his hips are rolling up into Thomas’ and they're both moaning, gripping each other just a little desperately.
“We can still… mess around. Probably the, um, y’know, best way to get it out of our systems.” Excuses, excuses, but desperation and affection are bleeding into this, and there was no chance that this would end any other way.
There's a slightly desperate scramble to get enough of their clothes off to touch each other properly. Hands pushing up stomachs and chests, running over thighs and down sides, a frantic but loving energy surrounding the moment. All this pent up emotion, building up over the long weeks apart, which had really felt like years. Thomas wishes he can say that he remembers every single second, every sensation, but really, there's just the hurricane of emotions, the desperate kissing, the sweet pleasure, and it's over in a world-ending burst.
Thomas loves every second, and it probably has the opposite effect on their emotions, but… he’d do it again in a heartbeat.
Laying there in bliss, it's easy to let all the angst go, but… like all things with Danny, the moment doesn't last long enough. There's an awful uncertainty to it all, knowing what they've done to themselves. it's not like they can just… keep doing this, like a friends with benefits type situation (or… ex-almost-husbands with benefits?), after all. That would really make all this worse, but also… in a way, wouldn't it be better? Thomas is willing to take whatever Danny is willing to give, desperate for any attention or affection shone his way. Maybe this is the only way to keep up their separation. But… no, no, they shouldn't. They can't.
