#averywriting

self destructive sam in early s5. anguished and sad and guilty beyond reason, bitter and tired and also pent up as fuuuuuuuck but also more than ever sees his desire as something monstrous. he's not saying yes, he's not, but it's getting to him, having someone in his space, even when it's not real, who looks at him with so much adoration and who wants him. and he's already doomed, he's already a monster, he's already a bad person, what's one more sin to add to the pile?

this is how you can have me, he tells lucifer, and spreads his legs for him and tells him to fuck him hard because he deserves it, he deserves to be hurt and if the devil's gonna be inside of him he might as well enjoy it. lucifer doesn't get it, and he doesn't want to hurt sam, but sam's asking for it and he wants to give his vessel anything he could ask for, so he bends him over and fucks him into the mattress in his dream and sam hopes he wakes up sore and covered in bruises so even his body won't let him forget that there's something deeply, deeply wrong with him that he can never escape.

it's entirely possible there's no religious meaning behind the cross and it's just a piece of jewelry but the implications of it if we assume it is explicitly a religious symbol are. well. devastating

imagine a girl, she's young, somewhere between 10 and 15, broken and battered and traumatized beyond all belief. and she finds god. she believes in god because she needs to believe that someone is watching her, and that if she is good enough, and she tries hard enough, she will be saved. she prays every night that god or one of his angels will take her away from this place, or make marty change his ways, or anything that will make the abuse stop.

but god and his angels never come. she prays and prays and tries to follow the bible's teachings and begs god to save her. nobody saves her. no matter how hard she tries. and she wonders if there's anyone up there at all, because who would see what happens to her and just let it happen? what kind of god would allow that abuse to continue?not one worth believing in. maybe there is no god.

maybe that's when she resorts to drastic actions, when she gets bernie to mutilate her, when she begs him to save her since god wouldn't. she lashes out because she's a scared abused child whose older brother ran away and left her behind and it haunted him for the rest of his life. and she hangs herself and believes she'll just be dead, but part of her still wonders if there's a heaven and a hell, and which one she would end up in, if they were real.