#autisexuality

I think one universal experience of being autistic is having your autism stigmatized. Cringe, being the most common expression. Having special interests, stimming, being socially awkward around neurotypicals, and talking nonstop about things can make you a target, so it’s very easy to internalize that you are a burden unless you learn how to mask.

Masking burns you out, though. There’s countless autistics who have masked through their teenage years and 20s only to hit a serious burnout or mental health crisis in their late 20s, having fully exhausted themselves masking constantly. So, the idea of Unmasking came about, largely popularized by the book Unmasking Autism by Devon Price. But this book doesn’t talk about unmasking sexually, which is part of the inspiration for this blog.

So, what does unmasking sexually mean? At it’s core, it means the same thing that unmasking in general means, acknowledging that there’s a lot of norms you’ve been following for no good reason that don’t work for you. It’s realizing what parts of your life are authentically autistic and work well for you, and leaning into that. It means just exploring what feels good and works for you, hopefully with the help and guidance of other autistics, or a supportive partner who is willing to help you during this journey.

This can mean realizing that you haven’t been able to have sex sober for a long time, because it was so overwhelming, and you want to work on slower sex. This might be acknowledging that you don’t like oral, and verbalizing it. It might be increasing the amount you masturbate to 3 times a day, but acknowledging you might not come and that’s ok. It might be really diving into some weird porn. It might be realizing that you like the taste of your own fluids and cleaning your hands with your mouth after masturbating. It might be asking that your partner brush their teeth and wash their hands before touching you. It might mean looking at getting other partners or friends with benefits who can help you with your needs. It might mean having more sex, more scheduled sex, less sex, weirder sex, or more exactly the same sex. It might mean you masturbate idly all the time while at home, and letting your partner know it’s just how you stim. It might be diving into sexual special interests and communities and creating content for them. There’s all kinds of amazing things to do as you sexually unmask, while also being wary of safety- there’s a lot of people in certain communities who will target autistics.

Here's a draft of a relationship tool I'm workshopping. It's not even close to done, and there should be graphics and all kinds of cool things, but I wanted to get it out there.

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Neurodivergent Relationship Plan

This tool is designed to help neurodivergent people clearly and safely set up plans and boundaries for exploring relationships, dating, and intimacy. This is meant to be done individually, then compared to set the pace for relationship advancement- With a focus on more restrictive boundaries being respected first. At this point in the relationship, check the following that you are interested in engaging in (note that this can change later, but please let your partner know!) Add a + if it’s something you would like to do, a check if it’s alright, and a X if it’s a not yet. If someone has put an X on something, that is not an indicator that you should pester them to change- let them decide when to change it. Note that this is not an exhaustive list of activities, so don’t treat it as such, just use it as a starting point, and discuss things not on this list as they come up.

-Hanging out in public -Hanging out online -Hanging out in private -Going on dates -Doing home dates -Driving/traveling together -Receiving gifts -Spending the night in the same house -Spending the night in the same room -Spending the night in the same bed -Hugging -Holding hands -Cuddling -Nonsexual caressing (rubbing shoulders, hair, etc) -Kissing -Physical intimacy (see physical intimacy section) -Going on trips -Spending multiple days together

As the relationship progresses, you may want to inform your partner that you’d like to explore something that you had previously put an X on. Please know that it is on you to set your boundary, but it’s important to set very clear rules and guidance on where it’s being lowered. For example, you might say you’re interested in nonsexual caressing, but do not want anyone touching your hair- please say so.

Warning phrase- Come up with a phrase that means stop. This could be as simple as Stop, or red light, or something silly or uncommon, to indicate that you need things to be serious right now. For example, if your partner is tickling you, and it is very overwhelming and you need her to stop right now, you might say ‘Pickle!’ and she should know that this means to stop. In turn, if someone uses this tool, thank them. It means that they are committed to making things work in a way that is comfortable to them.

Navigating neurodiversity- There’s no rulebook or road map for dating while neurodiverse, so it’s important to identify the pieces of your own neurodiversity that might come up during your time together. A good example of this might be a special focus on routine, or sensory issues- Perhaps your partner has a very rigid bedtime routine, and it’s important to respect that and not move his toothbrush from it’s usual spot, or perhaps he has an issue with high pitched noises, so you shouldn’t use an electric toothbrush while he’s in the bathroom. Give the same grace you would want given to you.

Navigating intimacy: Sex is complicated. Sex while neurodivergent, more so. It’s hard to know what works for you when the sexual landscape is designed for neurotypicals. That being said, it’s good to look at your own neurodivergence and think about how that might affect your sex life. Are you someone who is really into textures? Well, then you’re likely to enjoy certain aspects of touching your partner. Is routine big to you? Let your partner know so you can figure out setting up a night of the week for intimacy. Do you get bored of the same thing? Find a fun list of things to try in bed. Do you like to stim by touching yourself? Let your partner know that you doing this isn’t an invitation, or maybe that it can be, but set appropriate expectations about what you’re doing. Is there a trauma history to know about? You might not be in a place to discuss it now (or even have the ability to articulate it), but letting your partner know that you’ve had bad experiences, and want to make sure the experiences with them are good ones is a good way to put it on their radar without giving them any more detail than you want.

The following is a basic body chart to indicate where is good to be touched. Red is no, yellow is maybe, blue is yes, green is enthusiastically yes! Note that this may need to be revised at any time. You can also add lists of types of touch- for example, writing next to the back “Rub only.”

In public touch chart

In private touch chart

During intimacy touch chart

Overload touch chart (This is for when someone is experiencing a shutdown or sensory overload, indicating where you should or can touch them. Note that seeing a loved one go into a shut down can be very worrying, and your partner will want to help, so having guidance during this time can be very helpful.)

Ways I say no: Think about the ways you say you don’t want to do something anymore. Sometimes you might not have any, and if so, now’s the time to think of them! For example, say your partner is nibbling on your shoulder, and the sensation of her teeth is really grossing you out. Having a warning phrase can be useful, or there may be other ways you may want to have them know about, such as flinching, blinking quickly, or stopping talking.

Intimacy dos and don’ts:

Don’t do this until you’ve both decided that you’re comfortable exploring intimacy together. This is a list to be compared so you can look at activities you’d enjoy doing together. Note that it being on this list does not mean consent has been given- always check before doing something! Communication is how things go great!

Intimacy dos:

Intimacy maybes:

Intimacy nos:

For example, Sam might have the following:

Intimacy dos: Getting oral, kissing chest, scratching back (medium to hard), being pinned down, hands bound, neck biting, giving oral, talking dirty

Intimacy maybes: Fingering, having penetrative sex with condom, being tied up, licking my body, toys

Intimacy nos: Rimming, watersports, spanking, public sex

Note that, like anything on this list, you can add or change things, but let your partner know.

Something I’ve been thinking about is how there is this concept of love languages, and autistic love languages. For those unfamiliar with the concept, a love language a psychology theory about how people like to give and receive love. The neurotypical love languages are as follows: Words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, quality time, and acts of service. This doesn’t really work for autistics, so the autism community came up with the autistic love languages, which are as follows: Support swapping, infodumping, parallel play, deep pressure, and penguin pebbling (Giving you a cool thing I found that I think you’ll like.)

Thinking about these, it occurred to me that it’s important to think about the idea of autistic sex languages, or what makes sex enjoyable for autistics, from an autistic perspective. This is by no means definitive, and I welcome feedback- this is just based around my own understanding of my autism and how it relates to my sexual life, and what others have expressed to me.

As such, here are the five autistic sex languages:

Stimming: Sex can be stimming! Masturbation can absolutely be stimming! Touching your partner’s genitals can absolutely be stimming! It’s important to acknowledge that sometimes you want to stim sexually, and the goal shouldn’t be sex, orgasm, or anything- you just want to touch their junk and play with it. It’s important to identify that you’re doing this to stim, but understand that your partner may have needs too, and to discuss those as well. And mutual stimming is wonderful- having a partner playing with you while you play with them can be super fun.

Sensory: Sex is wet and sticky and soft and slick and tastes like all kinds of things and hairy and smooth and wrinkly and hard and slick and rubbery and musky and salty and loud and quiet and pleasurable and orgasmy and a full sensory experience. Initially I wanted to put this under stimming, but I think the sensory exploration deserves it’s own category. I know a lot of autistics who have talked about how they love the sensations of sex, specifically citing certain things- loving the tickle of fingers across skin, the sensation of pushing into someone, the slickness of arousal, all those things. It’s important to allow exploration and appreciation to help make the sensory experience the best it can be, while also allotting for the idea of overstimulation and winding down. Sometimes sexual touch can be incredibly overstimulating, so being able to articulate that so it doesn’t become unwelcome or painful is really important. Setting up healthy boundaries and discussing compromise here is also really important- for example- I don’t want you to touch my chest right now, but I’m ok touching you and kissing you.

Special Interests: The kink world is full of autistics. I’ve met a lot of sex workers who are autistic, and they love the direct communication, as well as the ability to find a sexual special interest that they can geek out about. A lot of fetishes can look like special interests, and once you dive in, you get into a lot of fun possibilities. I think it’s important to make sure partners are cool with you infodumping, and are open to experimenting with you, while also having the ability to safely say they aren’t feeling comfortable with these things. It’s always hard to hear no when something is your special interest, but it’s important to respect boundaries.

Routine: A lot of autistics, myself included, really love routine. Having step by step understanding of how something can go, having direct communication about what is going to happen, and building that routine is really nice. Normalizing autistics incorporating sex into their routine, either through masturbation or with their partner(s) can really help reduce stress and help build that daily or weekly routine a lot of autistics need for their wellbeing. I think it’s important to make sure your partners are on board with this, so they know that Thursday night is sex night, but also for you to have the ability to deal with rejection and breaking the routine if they’re not in a place where they want to have sex.

Navigating Trauma: There’s a saying, “We don’t know what autism looks like, we just know what traumatized autism looks like,” and I think the same is true in our sex lives. Having a partner that understands what it is to be autistic and traumatized, and understand the specifically autistic traumas that so many of us face can be really helpful. In my sexual encounters with autistics with trauma, there’s been a disclosure that there’s some hard stuff, and approaching it with patience and understanding of someone who has been through it myself has been something that they have thanked me for afterwards. So I think that shared understanding and unconditional support that autistics often can provide from their lived experience, or at least being able to understand where their partner is coming from, is really essential. Furthermore, being divorced from neurotypical sexual norms gives  you a lot more freedom to discuss what things will look like, and how to redefine safe for your autistic sexual relationship.

When thinking about how to teach young autistic adults self advocacy, it's critical to include this lens in sexual education, as the broad and complex space of sexuality is a crucible for pressures, stress, ambiguity, and risk. However, on the flip side, if you help individuals become comfortable advocating for themselves sexually, they can start to transfer those skills and intentions to their broader life, and feel more confident in their ability to self advocate.

As autistics transition into adulthood, it's absolutely critical for them to learn self advocacy skills, but unfortunately very rarely are these taught. Too often autistics are raised on compliance based curricula, and this can have disastrous effects in their adult lives as they are taken advantage of, manipulated, and easily forced into situations where they are discouraged from speaking up for their own wellbeing. This is a huge problem, and contributes to an epidemic of mental health struggles for autistic young adults. This absolutely impacts their sex lives as well, as autistics are more likely to face domestic abuse and sexual violence than neurotypicals, and very often struggle with articulating what works for them.

As such, it becomes imperative that sexual educators who are teaching autistics teach autistic self advocacy in intimacy. Current autistic sex ed curricula tend to be more focused on high support needs autistics- including social stories of why you shouldn't take your pants off in public- something that many lower support needs autistics likely don't really need advisement on. Many do not include things like complex and explicit conversations about consent, vetting partners, and how to get help if you're in a bad situation.

Some of the ways sexual advocacy can mirror real world advocacy include building financial advocacy (If you are in a position where there is a financial power imbalance in the relationship or you are doing sex work), building self determination (Being able to have better control over who you have sex with, when you have sex, how you have sex), medical advocacy (Seeking out reproductive healthcare, ensuring your partners are getting STI checks, understanding contraception, etc.), social advocacy (being able to identify people who are good matches, communicate your needs/intent, being able to identify when you need to get out of a relationship, asking for help), problem solving (dealing with difficult, messy situations diplomatically), digital advocacy (understanding how to safely engage with sexuality online), asking for accommodation (Working with your partner to find out what works for you, setting up safety tools, exploring kinks, navigating each others access needs, etc.), exploring your autism (Exploring your autistic sexual selves in a positive, healthy, consensual, and pleasurable way), and building self determination/assent (Being able to communicate effectively around what you want and need, and setting boundaries and understanding compromise.)

I recently had a conversation with a sex therapist, and was lamenting how a lot of sex ed and sexual normalization for autistics is awful, and he leaned in and told me, "It's really bad for neurotypicals too."

And it hit me- I've been lamenting how so much of autistic sex ed is either focused on safety or consent (very VERY good things) or like, one step above abstinence education, which has the assumption that autistics don't have sex (we do).

So, that leads me to a thought about universal design.

There's a concept in design around accessibility called universal design, which is the idea that if you make something accessible for people with disabilities, it's going to be beneficial for everyone. A good example is automatic doors- sure, they're great for people with wheelchairs, but for people with a bunch of groceries, they're super convenient and helpful!

So, that led me to the idea that we need universal intimacy design- tools for intimacy that are designed for autistics, but accessible to neurotypicals (because A: Autistics should be able to have sex with neurotypicals if they want to, and B: neurotypicals would probably benefit from better communication about sex, as it's frankly terrible.)

So lately I've been building a bunch of tools around intimacy that focus on having conversations around intent, what the goal here is, boundaries, and how to communicate that. However, there's two problems I run into.

The first is dishonesty. And there's not a lot that can be done here, as it becomes a safety issue. If someone says they just want to make out, but their goal is to go way further, but know that making out can create a slippery slope to get there or at least push boundaries, then that's a problem. However, there is communication about boundaries in the tool, so hopefully that will give people the assumption that they can and should set boundaries.

The second, and this is also hard, is what people want. Most people have very skewed understanding of their own sexual needs and desires, because they've been watching porn or tv or whatever. They don't know how great autistic sex can be, because they've never thought about it. Their goals have always been around doing whatever the sexual norm is, which may often put them in places they don't want to be, or aren't satisfied with. So, a big piece I've been thinking about here to address this is having a sort of 'I don't know, but I want to find out' piece.

And I think that's where there's space for neurodiverse sex affirming therapists or sex workers who specialize in neurodiversity to really step up, but for those that can't afford or find that, then I think it comes down to really exploring those things within your own autistic community.

And thinking back on my own experiences, I began realizing that some of my favorite encounters have been reminiscent of the idea of 'autistic love languages' (Penguin pebbling, parallel play, infodumping, etc.) where the encounter was very autistically focused- for example, making out while infodumping, or enjoying a masturbation session together as a form of parallel play. All of these encounters worked because they fed into my best autistic self. So, the more we can encourage autistics to explore what they want, and how they like to exist socially and in the world, we can help them discover their best autistic sex lives.