#authentically autistic

Things that are so simple for others are so difficult and complicated for me. Getting out of the house, grocery shopping, making a phone call, accepting an invitation to a get-together, driving – the list goes on. Anything that disrupts my routine and outside my “norm” is upsetting. Being social is the worst. Constantly thinking “I’m saying something wrong, what if I offended the person? What do they think of me? I shouldn’t have said that. Why *didn’t* I say that? I’m being too much. I’m not being enough. What do I say?” The feeling of constantly failing as a friend is exhausting. I feel like I ruin friendships, and I never know why, or I just self-sabotage myself because it’s pain upfront versus pain later. I can’t tell when someone doesn’t want to be a friend or when someone *shouldn’t* be a friend. I’m loyal and take people at face-value, and I can’t seem to learn that not everyone is meant to be a friend.

I want to be an active member of fandom, yet I can’t seem to make friends or engage properly, including the restraints I’ve put on myself of not reading fanfic of others because I compare myself way too much and feel so insecure and “Why do I even bother?” when everyone else is so much better at writing than I am. I talk too much about what I want to talk about, dominating the conversations or putting restrictions because I can’t handle talking about a certain thing; combine that with my inability to regulate emotions well, I am seen as manipulating or “too much” and more often than not, I crash and burn the friendship without meaning to. It also doesn’t help that one of the things with autistic women is becoming obsessed/hyperfixated on not only interests but also people – I do just that with someone I find interested in the same fandom/thing as I am. I get so excited someone wants to talk to me and we share a common interest; I then get a bit obsessive with them as a person. In the current book I’m reading (“Women and Girls with Autism Spectrum Disorder” by Sarah Hendrickx), it had this to say about autistic girls, and it certainly holds true for me as an adult:

“…The friend can become a subject of fascination and focus, which can cause enormous distress if and when she decides she wants to play with other children”

It’s followed by a quote from another woman with autism: “From a very young age, I craved exclusivity with a ‘best friend’.”

Another statement that hit hard was: “It is possible to be *too* sociable (according to expected norms), with too few boundaries and little understanding of the feelings and intentions of others.”

I become way more attached to the other person than they ever are to me. And it’s a tough lesson to learn over and over again.

With each day, I’m trying to be kinder to myself, to be mindful of my differences and be more accepting. Some days, I don’t notice it much. Other days, I notice, but it’s manageable. And then some days, it really does feel like a disability.

I’m not sure what the point of this post was. Maybe it’s just me trying to recapture some of the things going on in my head since the diagnosis. Maybe it’s me trying to help others in some sort of way. Maybe it’s like an apology letter to the friends I met in fandom who couldn’t deal with me anymore (though I know they won’t see this….). Today is a day I still hate being autistic, and no one hates me more than I hate myself for it.

Happy Autism Awareness month, y'all.

(If you are interested in books on women with autism, I highly recommend the following. I have torn through them faster than I thought I would. I think reading about women and autism is a new hyperfixation….)