#atilwat

You two were at a party. It was homecoming season, the summer heat still resonating through the air even after the sun had set. You were cramped inside an apartment while the entire place was flooded with college students drunk off of cheap liquor. 

Your friends are busy gossiping about Jimin’s Psych professor cheating on his wife with his new T.A. You’re next to them silent, teetering between buzzed and tipsy. Your eyes drift off into the crowd, and maybe it’s because you’re currently sitting on the kitchen counter, but you feel as if you can see everything and anything.

Everyone’s heads are turned away from you but one.

A tall, awkward-looking man with tousled dark hair stares at you from his position across the room. He’s alone, back against the wall, two hands nursing his solo cup.

Your eyes connect for just two seconds before he looks away, he distracts himself by taking a sip of his drink.

You continue to watch him. This seems to make him skittish, he doesn’t know what to do. So he just downs his drink and excuses himself from his spot, struggling to push through the crowd to find refuge down the hall.

He’s weird, you think.

“Who’s that?” You tap Minjeong’s shoulder, roughly pointing out the man just as he ducks behind the corner. 

“Huh? Oh, I think that’s Soobin, one of Heeseung’s friends maybe.” She makes a face as she is unsure. You sit back up and look around again. Soobin is gone.

You don’t think about him for the rest of the night.

He’s handsome, this stranger.

The room is dark and you can barely see, but you know he is. He’s got soft skin, a tall round nose, and pouty lips that kiss the skin of your neck just right.

You don’t have to speak a word for him to know how to handle you, his hands do all the talking as they pull off your clothes, dancing against your bare body. You get chills every time you feel his breath tickle your ear.

And when his cock slips inside your heat with ease, you exhale with a smile. You lean into his touch, he’s more gentle than you could ever imagine. 

Your moans fill the room just like he fills you. You two are dancing in sync to the musical rhythm of what was pure raw intoxicated sex.

With every thrust you can feel your high climb up and up, you’re clawing for a release, and you’ll get it no matter what. A hand on your breast, another on your clit, anything to stimulate you more.

Sex has never felt so good. Maybe it was because you were drunk, or maybe it was because you were super horny, who knows? What you do know is that this was a high you never wanted to come down from.

He flips you around like a doll, and hungrily kisses you like you’re his dying meal. You can’t help but clench. Your hips move on their own, grinding up against the stranger. You consume him as he consumes you.

You beg God for the moment to never end.

Soobin is pulling up his pants as you sit on the edge of your bed, still wrapped in your sheets. You’re a bit ashamed that you can’t seem to remember what happened last night. 

“I-I’m sorry.” Soobin suddenly apologizes, he can’t look you in the eyes. You have no idea what prompted him to say such a thing.

“Why?” You ask, adjusting the blanket to cover your chest a bit more. “For what happened. It’s a little weird, don’t you think?” 

You turn away in thought. Sleeping with a stranger was nothing too new to you. You’ve had a few one night stands, they were enjoyable enough for you to not be bothered. Purely physical.

But maybe that wasn’t normal to him.

“Is this your way of telling me you gave me something?” You joke. Soobin freaks out, eyes bugged out of his face. “No! Oh God, no!” He shakes his head defensively. 

You let out a chuckle, looking up at him tiredly. “I’m joking.” He sighs, calming down and proceeding to finish getting changed. 

“Don’t take what happened last night too seriously,” You hum. “It’s not like we’re dating or anything.”

You see Soobin falter for just half a second, it’s so fast you almost think you imagined it.

He just nods and walks out the room, letting himself out.

That was not the last time you saw Soobin. Because you soon find yourself pushed up against him in a bed time and time again. You don’t even know why you keep going back to him, you have to ask yourself this question as you lay next to him late at night. 

The sex was good, obviously. But was that really just it?

You turn your head, beside you Soobin sleeps peacefully, mouth hung wide open. His arms are strewn over both you and his bed, legs hanging over his mattress.

Could you see yourself being more than sexual partners with this man? Could you see yourself dating him? See him as a lover?

You had no real feelings of want or need to be in a relationship at the moment. There’s too much emotion involved, too much pressure and thinking. Too much vulnerability. 

You shift away from Soobin, your back facing him now. It’s colder at the edge of the bed so you have to pull the blanket up higher.

He feels you leave him, as he subconsciously scoots closer, wrapping his long arms around your torso like ropes. This time you don’t move.

You fall back asleep as you tell yourself over and over again that all of this was purely physical. Don’t get attached.

It was supposed to be a funny little game, it was supposed to be a joke. You agreed to this, how would you have known that this would be the outcome?

You were always so careful, maybe this is some form of karma, for all your thoughts and bad decisions.

Eventually it had to catch up to you.

You sit nervously at the table, foot kicking up and down as you try to distract yourself with your cup of water. Waiting felt like forever. 

Finally you hear the ding of the front door bell, and you look up to see him. 

Soobin smiles at you. It’s stiff and awkward, but you try and smile back. He sits across from you like he’s in a business meeting. 

“Hi,” He almost whispers. “Did you want to order anything?” You ignore his greeting, gesturing to the register to your left. He looks over then returns his attention back to you. “No, I'm okay.”

You nod and observe him. Maybe it’s because when you two usually meet, you’re both naked, but Soobin seems a bit dressed up. He’s wearing a plain t-shirt and knit cardigan, paired with a nice pair of jeans. He’s wearing glasses, you didn’t know he needed them.

“Something wrong?” He suddenly asks, and you’re made aware you’ve been staring for too long. “Huh? Sorry, I- I was just thinking,” You lie.

Soobin nods and clears his throat. “So, you wanted to talk?” He reminds you. “Yeah, yeah.” You mumble. 

Yesterday you had randomly messaged him in the middle of the day, asking to meet at a little coffee shop nearby your place. It wasn’t often you asked to hang outside the bedroom. 

“About what?” Soobin’s question was one that you were dreading for the past week and a half. But hearing them in person were different than imagining them. 

Your chest tightens and your head feels dizzy. Your stomach turns uncomfortably as you struggle to speak. The words collect at your throat, stuck there as your mind grows fuzzy. 

You’d rehearsed this so many times, why was it so hard when it was the real deal?

You finally look up at Soobin, his dark eyes are surprisingly bright and warm. His expression is confused, his brows furrowed together as he tries to read you. You suddenly remember why you’re even doing this. You owe it to him.

“I’m pregnant.”

You have to look away. You’re scared to see his reaction.

“A-And I think I’m going to go through with the pregnancy.” You cough out. “Once the baby is born, I’m going to give them up for adoption.”

This was your decision. You’d thought about this over and over again, and you felt this was what you wanted to do. 

You considered not telling Soobin at all, because well, you were admittedly scared of how he’d react. This stranger you slept with, would he care if you had his baby?

In your head, you believed you could keep quiet about this, cut him off, run back home and never have to worry about seeing him ever again. But something kept tugging at your heart to tell him.

You take some courage and peek at the man across from you. You weren’t sure what you were expecting from Soobin, but the pure look of shock on his face was different than you were thinking of.

You make eye contact, and Soobin finally blinks. He looks around the coffee shop, trying to find something else to focus on. “Uh, when-when did you find this out?” He asks.

“Almost two weeks ago.” You answer. You decide to not tell him you and your friends decided to do that stupid Tik Tok challenge where everyone takes a pregnancy test.

Yours was the only one that came out positive.

Soobin only nods his head, rubbing his hands as he struggles to form a sentence. You can understand what he’s going through. That same night you found out, you locked yourself in Jimin’s bathroom and took three more tests to confirm those two little lines.

“You don’t have to be involved.” You speak up. “I just wanted to tell you.”

His head shoots up at you in a mixture of confusion and surprise. “No, no I want to be involved, yeah.” He says this with zero confidence, it does nothing to convince you.

You look outside the window. It’s no longer summer, the leaves are now brown, the sky gray and cold. The transition to autumn felt abrupt and rushed to you. 

“Okay.”

Your interactions with Soobin after that become limited. You wonder if he’s avoiding you. Or if you’re avoiding him.

Deep down you feel as though you know the answer to that question. So you were surprised when he called to ask you to move in with him out of the blue.

“Like right now?” You ask, pressing your phone against your ear as you fold your laundry on your bed. 

“Not exactly,” Soobin sounds unsure of himself on the other side of the line. “But that way I can be of more help.” 

You set down your clothes to properly hold your phone. You’re sure what he’s saying is true. It would be nice to have someone around at home most days. Your roommate Gaeul hasn’t been too fond of your morning sickness. 

But the only thing stopping you was the fact that you would be living with a stranger.

A stranger who’d knocked you up with his baby before you even had a real proper conversation.

“Y/n? Are you still there?” Soobin asks. You hum, going back to folding your clothes. “Just think about it. It doesn’t have to be right away, we can wait a bit if you want. But maybe it’ll be better that way.”

You hum again and the two of you bid goodbye before you hang up the call.

Living with Soobin. You wonder how that would be.

Right now everything was changing: your body, your diet, your entire life. You’re sick all day, you feel like a zombie as you force yourself to go through your routine. 

You still go to class every day, though you almost always never know what’s going on with how horrible you feel. You work through your shifts gripping onto any shelf, counter or ledge in your vicinity. 

You always need to pee, your boobs are starting to hurt as they grow, forcing you to go out and buy new bras. You can barely hold a meal down without puking it all back up, you’re constantly fatigued, but no matter how much sleep you get you’re uncomfortable and restless. 

Plus, there was an upside to living with Soobin, he lived alone and his apartment was nice and spacious. You don’t know how he scored a single unit apartment the size of his by himself, but he also had a decent paying job and was the youngest of three, apparently his parents had money.

Would having Soobin around help ease any of that? You guess you’ll just have to see and find out.

Moving day doesn’t go as planned, because of course you need to vomit your guts out in the middle of organizing your boxes.

You’re leaning onto Soobin’s toilet for dear life as you hurl your insides down the bowl. Each breath you take seems to upset your stomach more than the one before.

“Are you okay?” Soobin asks nervously as he stands by the door, head peeking out. Instead of answering him with words, you puke up your earlier lunch. 

You don’t know if he stands there the entire time, or if he’s gone off to run away, but eventually you feel your insides calm down. You take the time to rest your head against your arm, closing your eyes as you barely have the energy to do anything but breath.

Your mouth feels gross, your throat is dry and it hurts to swallow even your saliva. With whatever energy you have left, you flush the toilet and stand yourself up to rinse your mouth in the sink. As you do, you look at your reflection in the mirror. 

You look haggard. There’s no trace of the woman you were just two months ago. You suddenly feel as if you are losing yourself. You couldn’t recognize your reflection.

Tears well up in your eyes and your vision is blurred as you cry to yourself quietly. This was all wrong. This wasn’t what you wanted. You wished you’d never chosen this. You wished you’d never slept with him, that you never met him. 

You wished you were a better person.

You feel a hand tap your shoulder, and you quickly whip around and swat it away. 

And it’s like you wake up. Soobin stares at you, taken aback as he holds a water bottle. His hands are up as if to show you he has no bad intentions. He looks as innocent as a young boy.

“I brought you water.” He hiccups.

You can’t figure out why in the moment, but this act of kindness frustrates you. You wipe your tears quickly and push past him, escaping out the front door to sit in your car.

The guilt sinks in later.

Makeup sex was for couples. And apparently for you and Soobin.

Though you weren’t sure if this was exactly that.

“S-Soobin-!” You gasp as he sucks the skin of your neck, his thrusts are much more gentle than you’re used to, yet this turns you on more.

“Hmm?” He hums, looking at you with lust-drunken eyes. As you lay on your back, arms thrown over his shoulders and legs splayed wide open for his access, you look up at the man. His cheeks are flushed and his hair is a mess. His lips are puffy from how hard he’d kissed you earlier.

“What’s wrong? You okay?” His hand instinctively goes over your tummy. This embarrasses you for some reason, turning to look away. “I’m fine.” You lie. Soobin pauses for a moment, before leaning down to kiss the side of your face, coaxing you to face him again so he can kiss you some more.

“Let’s keep going then. Let me make you feel better,” He murmurs, his voice so deep it tickles your ear just right.

You don’t argue with him.

“You’re due in August of next year, the 5th.” Your doctor informs you as she rubs the transducer against the gel on your skin. On the screen in front of you, you can see the black and white photo of what looks like a little blob.

“Your baby is about the size of a grape. Not a lot of facial features have been formed yet at this point.” She points at the little white thing on the screen, and begins to show you exactly what is the head and where the bottom is. 

You end up turning away, you can’t handle looking for too long.

You don’t want to get attached. You told yourself this from the beginning. You are not a mother, you’re simply carrying the baby to term.

Soobin on the other hand looks both fascinated and mortified. His eyes are glued to the monitor, he keeps nodding when the doctor speaks. It almost disgusts you how eager he seems.  

After the ultrasound you’re required to do a physical exam, then some bloodwork. You wince as the nurse inserts the needle into your arm, you can feel your blood flow through your arm and up the tube to the multiple vials beside you.

“You don’t like needles?” Soobin asks. You open your eyes and find he’s moved from his seat to stand next to you. “No, who likes needles?” You ask rhetorically. He scoffs at your question.

You ignore him, maybe it was your hormones, but everything seemed to be irritating you lately. You suddenly feel lightheaded, resting your head against the hospital bed. 

A hand reaches your free arm. You look down, it’s Soobin. He’s slowly inching towards your fingers, before he clasps you in his grip, giving you a reassuring squeeze. 

You start to regret your earlier feelings, realizing you should be grateful he wanted to go with you to this appointment. You had never considered how hard it would’ve been going alone.

You give him a squeeze back, and out of embarrassment, close your eyes and turn your head. You feel Soobin pet your hair, it’s comforting.

“Just one more vial, then you’re done, okay?” He whispers to you. You nod and subconsciously lean towards him. 

You never expected your parents to react the way they did. Your mother in tears and your father in disbelief. And in the end it wasn’t a happy moment.

You’re sitting in the passenger seat as Soobin drives you both home, the weather seems to mimic your emotion: it’s pouring rain.

You’ve been crying even before you got into the car. Your hometown was about 3 ½ hours away from your university, and you hadn’t seen your parents in months, so imagine their surprise when you arrived home with not only a boy, but his baby.

In fact, you weren’t even dating him, you were living with him and having his kid, but you weren’t dating.

You arrived at 12:30 pm just to leave an hour later. You’d planned to spend the night.

You never expected your parents to be happy. They always preached for you to get your degree and marry before settling down. You obviously ignored all of that.

But a small sliver of you thought they’d forgive you. You were their daughter after all. A parent’s love should be able to overcome such things, right?

You’ve never had the best relationship with your parents, but they've always had your back. This time they didn’t. You can still hear your mother’s sobs, they’re louder than the rainfall hitting the windshield as Soobin zooms down the freeway. 

The car suddenly slows down, and the harsh rain falls to a gentle splash. You wipe your eyes and look outside. Soobin parks at a rest stop. He turns off the ignition and unbuckles his seat.

“W-Why’re we here? Where are you going?” You hiccup, confused and anxious. “I’m grabbing us lunch, do you want to come with me? You can stay in the car if you’d like.” Soobin opens his door but doesn’t step out yet. 

You look back outside. There’s a bunch of stalls lined up, all of them have steam coming out from the piping hot food. You suddenly remember you haven’t eaten much since this morning. When you told your mom you were visiting, she excitedly informed you she would have a feast upon your arrival. You obviously didn’t eat a single bite.

You turn back to Soobin with a nod, and unbuckle your seatbelt. You open your door and step out, allowing the rain to hit your face. It’s almost refreshing. You two rush underneath the canopies, not wanting to get too wet. 

“What’re you craving? I think I'm gonna get sotteok sotteok.” He leads you to a stall. “Me too,” You decide, something spicy sounded nice. “And gukbap. And cider.” You add. Soobin laughs and nods his head, calmly ordering for the both of you. 

As you wait in line for your food, you can’t help but stare at Soobin.

This man was the father of your child, your baby daddy if you must. How does he feel about that?

You’re reminded of your mother’s screams from just earlier.

“Let’s go find somewhere to sit.” Soobin miraculously carries the tray of food in his hands, and the two of you sit down at the nearest clear table.

You two dig in, though you’re a lot slower and less vigorous than usual. You stir your soup absentmindedly, taking a sip every few seconds. You take nibbles of your sotteok skewer, and don’t even open your cider.

“Are you okay?” You usually hated hearing that question come from his mouth, but right now it felt different.

“I’m sorry.” You apologize. He looks at you with a full mouth. “If you don’t finish your food that’s fine, I can eat it.” He assumes you’re talking about your sudden lack of appetite.

“No, I mean I’m sorry about my parents.” You correct. “They said some pretty mean stuff back there to you.” You mumble.

Soobin goes quiet. He swallows his food and wipes his mouth with a napkin before speaking.

“And they said some really mean stuff to you too.” You take a big bite of your skewer to avoid talking. 

You both continue to eat in silence, that was enough of that conversation for the rest of the day.

“Feel good?” Soobin asks, though you can’t say anything because you were currently leaning against your seat in the car while Soobin’s fingers slid in and out of you.

You’re breathy, panting as you reach up and behind to grip the seat head for stability. You feel a bit exposed as you were still parked in the parking lot of the rest stop. Soobin had moved you guys to a far off corner away from the rest of the cars. 

The windows are foggy, the radio plays softly, though they’re drowned out by your moans. You’re too aroused to care if people can see you.

Soobin leans over the console box, enrapturing you in a tongue twisting kiss. Your hand finds its way to his hair, running though his locks as he speeds up his pace. 

His long veiny hands, his fingers are thicker and rougher than your own, it’s like they reach all the right spots. He’s curling, digging inside your gummy walls, trying to reach deeper and deeper.

Your breath hitches as you feel your orgasm approaching, your head is spinning from your high. Soobin pulls away from you, your lips are strung together by a single line of saliva. 

You look at him dazed, a look of lust.

Soobin continues to stare at you, his thumb coming to rest against your clit as he shoves his index and middle finger in your sopping pussy.

Maybe it was the direct and intense eye contact, or the adrenaline of being caught, but you come with so much passion you have to grip onto the door in order to ground yourself.

Your walls clench and convulse around Soobin’s thick fingers as he slowly pulls out, your cum leaves them glazed. As you try to catch your breath, you watch him stick his fingers inside his mouth, he sucks them decadently. 

Finally, he wipes your mouth with his thumb, licking it clean. This man knew how to push your buttons in all the right ways.

“Let’s go home,” He announces, starting the car again and putting the car in drive.

When your second trimester rolls around, it’s as if your morning sickness magically disappears. You can stomach just about anything now, in fact your appetite has grown.

Your bump is slowly coming in, it’s still small enough where you can see your toes. But you no longer fit any of your jeans, and have opted to wear sweatpants 24/7 as it’s the only thing that fits you. 

“These are kinda cute,” Minjeong holds up a pair of maternity chinos. “Jesus Minjeong, she’s trying to look like Rihanna, not a fucking politician.” Ningning swipes the chinos and hangs them back on the rack. Your friend sulks and takes solace by your side.

“Did you think they were cute?” She asks you. You pout and shake your head. “Sorry. I didn’t even like the color.” Minjeong’s frown deepens. “Hey!” Aeri shouts, waving you down. “Look at these jeans! They’re cute and baggy,” She shows you a pair of medium wash jeans. 

The legs are nice and wide, and not too long where you’d be tripping over them. “I can try them on,” You agree. She happily puts them into the cart. 

“I found this cute maxi skirt, do you like it?” Jimin saunters over and presents the flowy white skirt. “Oh this is totally giving Rihanna in the Bahamas vibe, you have to get it.” Ningning answers for you. You laugh and nod for her to add it to the cart. “I’ll try it on.” 

You guys pile on a few more articles of clothing before heading to the fitting room where you proceed to have a tiny fashion show for all your friends. 

“I kind of like that one!” Jimin nods as you try on a cardigan. “No, she looks frumpy, don’t get it.” Ningning is brutally honest.

“I think you should definitely get the skirt, the jeans, the overalls, the two tops we liked, and at least get the dress, it was totally a skims dupe!” Aeri says as you head back into the fitting room to change into your clothes.

“I like the sweater,” Minjeong reminds them. “Oh that one was cute, yeah, especially now that it’s starting to get cold outside.” Jimin agrees.

You step back out, grabbing the clothes you liked in one arm and the ones you didn’t in the other. “Let me help you,” Jimin grabs the no pile and hands it to the employee up front. 

“I liked them all, “ You admit. You haven’t gone shopping in a while, you were much too busy and anxious during your first trimester. 

Because of that you also didn’t spend a lot of time with your friends. You found it hard to be around them and not feel sick or uncomfortable.

But now you were getting back into your groove, and they seemed to notice it too, it reminded you of old times. 

“The total is going to be $223.47.” The cashier announces, and suddenly it’s like your morning sickness has manifested itself.

“Maternity clothes are that expensive?! We’re literally at Target!” Minjeong squeaks not so subtly to you and the others. 

“We could all pay together, maybe-” “No it’s fine,” You cut off Jimin. “I’ll just get the jeans and the one top please.” You tell the cashier, and he removes the other items.

“Y/n, what the hell?!” Ningning glares at you. “I can get more next time,” You tell her. “I just need something right now, I’ll get bigger anyways, I don’t want to get one size just to outgrow it again in a few weeks.” You argue. Your friends sigh and try not to say anything as you pay. 

But as you all walk back to Aeri’s car, you feel a bit ashamed.

No wonder your parents were so angry, you’re too young, too financially unstable to be with a child. You could barely afford a pair of jeans and a shirt, that you’ll probably discard once all of this is over.

You look down at your growing belly, you still find it hard to believe there’s a baby growing in there, despite you being actual living breathing proof.

At least you won’t have to constantly buy diapers and formula, you think to yourself as you get in the car.

“What do you mean you’re cutting my hours?” You ask your boss, staring him straight in the eyes. He sighs, grimacing at you from his seat. 

“You’ve been constantly calling out or you will leave early from all your shifts. You are not here when we need coverage, I can’t keep scheduling you if you’re not going to be here.” He decides.

You actually scoff at him in disbelief. “I wasn’t here because I’m pregnant. I’ve been physically vomiting any food that enters my body. I was losing bodily fluids more than I can intake, I was sore all over, I had little energy. I couldn’t help that I wasn’t here.” You argue, your anger fueling your adrenaline.

“I get that, I do Y/n- but I can’t keep giving you-” “But I’m here now, I’m better now!” You cut him off. “My morning sickness is gone, I don’t have a lot of nausea. I can still do my job.” 

Your boss sighs again, leans back into his chair as his lips go thin. “I have employees who are hard workers and need the hours. I’m required by store policy to give them hours as they are eligible.”

You sit in your chair, and it starts to seep in that no matter what you do, no one is listening. 

Then your boss says something to you that almost breaks you.

“Y/n, I’m doing this to protect you. Don’t you want to be able to rest more and stay at home?”

“Should we get orange juice or apple juice?” Soobin asks you as you two stand in the refrigerated section of the grocery store.

“Apple. We don’t like orange juice, it’s too tangy.” You grimace and grab the gallon from the shelf. 

When you place the juice into the shopping cart, you realize Soobin has been staring at you like you’ve grown horns out of your head. “What?”

“We?” He repeats, pointing to himself. You suddenly realize what he’s asking, and laugh. “No, we.” You gesture to your growing stomach, you meant the baby.

“Oh,” He seems embarrassed as it finally clicks to him on what you meant. “I was gonna say, I prefer orange juice.”

“We can get that next time,” You let him push the cart as you guys slowly pick up more groceries for the week.

Some meat (no pork, not after you’d gotten sick from throwing up breakfast sausage three weeks ago), vegetables, fruits (you liked to freeze some of them to make an icy snack), and of course ice cream.

“Same as usual?” Soobin asks and you eagerly nod, allowing him to open the freezer door and fish for your favorite flavor at the back of the top shelf, perks of having a tall baby daddy you think.

“Two Half-Baked ice creams from Ben & Jerry’s, pint sized.” He sets the tubs of ice cream into the filled cart in a grandiose manner, you applaud him.

“You’re a Godsend.” You sigh happily. A skip in your step as you guys finally make your way back to the cash registers to check out.

But half way there, something catches your eye. You pause, no longer following Soobin down the main aisle. 

You make a detour at the baby section.

Your attention has been swiped by an adorable little onesie, decorated with a drawing of a smiling sun and a couple of blue birds. Three birds to be precise, a mom, a dad and a baby bird.

You grab the foot of the onesie, it’s smaller than your palm. How can something be so little-

“Y/n?” You whip around. Soobin stands in front of you. He watched you.

“I was just looking.” You explain, dropping your hand from the onesie entirely. He nods, though his gaze is trained on where your fingers once were. 

“Okay,” He clears his throat and looks away. “I think they’re having a sale on the pastries, mind if I grab some?” You quickly shake your head, and Soobin runs off to the bakery section.

Once he’s out of sight, you return your attention back to the onesie. It’s fallen off the hanger, it’s laying on the floor.

Quietly, you pick it up and place it back on its hanger, putting it on its rack. You read the tag, the size was for newborns. 

You walk back to the cart and begin to walk slowly to the line for the registers. “The croissants were half off.” Soobin shows you as he meets you again. You smile and nod. 

Were babies really that tiny when they’re born? A small part of you wants to know.

You wake up to the smell of something sweet. That’s unusual.

You sit up, scratching your belly as you walk out the bedroom and into the kitchen, where you find Soobin preparing what you hope is breakfast.

“What’re you doing?” You ask, eyeing him. Usually you were the cook in the household, Soobin was a mess in the kitchen, most of his meals came out inedible.

He jumps at your voice, not noticing you were peeking over his shoulder. “You scared me!” He yelps and you smile. He must have been really focused.

You look at the pile of pancakes he has stacked on a plate, they look messy, but good. “I made you breakfast. The doctor said you have to watch what you eat, remember?”

He was right, just yesterday you two went in for a visit. Your doctor made it very clear that you needed to be eating healthy if you wanted the baby to be born healthy and to have an easy delivery. You needed to watch your sugar intake in case you developed gestational diabetes, common in pregnancy.

“You made all of this for me?” You question, still in disbelief that Soobin, a man who favored sleep over most, would wake up early to make breakfast.

“Well,” Soobin shrugs, smiling sheepishly. “For you, and for him.” He points and you look down at your bulging belly.

Yesterday you found out the gender of your baby. You were having a boy. A baby boy.

You unconsciously run a hand over your stomach, it’s warm, the skin smooth. You were going to have a son. 

Your heart skips a beat, and you have to physically pinch yourself back to reality.

“Thank you,” You try not to seem too happy. “Yeah,” Soobin seems to follow suit. “Here, I made you a plate already, I also got sugar-free syrup.” He drizzles some over your stack before placing the plate in front of you. 

You carefully take your fork and chop yourself a bite, surprised at the burst of flavor and how not burnt it tasted.

“Are there blueberries in here?” You ask inquisitively. Soobin seems delighted you realized. “Yes!” He grins. “I thought plain wheat pancakes would be boring, so I added some blueberries. They’re good right?”

“They’re delicious,” You hum, taking another bite. You must have been enjoying the pancakes too much, because you suddenly feel a fluttering feeling in your stomach, almost as if-

You suddenly drop your fork, it clatters onto the floor and Soobin spins around. “What? Does it taste bad now?” He’s so confused as you look up at him for your seat with wide, shocked eyes. 

“I-I think- I think he moved.” You point to your tummy, and you look down as if to confirm what you felt.

“What?” Soobin also is surprised he suddenly is on his knees, crouched down to match the level of your stomach, placing a gentle hand on top.

You two wait in silence, waiting patiently only for nothing to happen. Were you wrong?

“Maybe he’s shy, we’re putting him on the spot,” Soobin jokes, though you notice the sad look in his eyes. You suddenly get an idea.

“Hold on,” You say, and direct Soobin to lean in and press his head against your belly, allowing him to hear and feel intensely. “Keep your hand here,” You instruct. He listens obediently.

You go back to your plate of pancakes, using your finger you rip off a piece and begin to eat again. You chew, swallow, and wait one more time. It’s so quiet in the apartment, you could hear a pin drop.

Then it happens. That fluttery feeling again. It’s like a tickle on the inside. But the second it happens you and Soobin gasp, looking at each other with pure joy.

“He moved, oh my God he moved!” Soobin laughs with joy. “He moved!” You repeat. “He moved, he moved. God, he moved.” Soobin rubs his hand over your stomach excitedly as you giggle.

You two stay like this for a moment, before you make eye contact once more, and it serves as a reminder of the reality of the situation. Your chuckles die down, and Soobin stands back up, going back to the kitchen counter to finish and clean up the mess he’d made. You turn back to your food at the table.

“It almost felt like we were dating there for a second.” You try to make a joke.

Soobin is quiet for a moment, you can hear him flipping a few new pancakes on the stove.

“But we’re not, right?” He says flatly.

You decide to not answer that as if it wasn’t already obvious. 

“Oh!” The sonographer gasps, she wears a bright smile as she turns to you excitedly. “You can see his hand, it’s like he’s saying hi!” 

She moves the transducer around and points to the screen. And just like she says, right there is a tiny hand, all five fingers spread out as if waving out to you. Each finger is thin and long, the palm round and sturdy looking. 

Soobin leans forward and presses his index finger where the little hand lays on the screen. The entire pad of his finger is bigger than the hand alone.

Your heart clenches. How odd, you almost can feel your baby’s little hand wrap around Soobin’s finger, a fragile yet tight grip.

“How precious,” The sonographer grins, and Soobin pulls away. You notice his attention has shifted from the screen to his index finger.

“Dad, looks like he’s got your nose.” The sonographer suddenly says, and you both jolt, heads whipping around to the screen once more. You can see the side profile of the infant.

“And mom, I think the baby's got your lips, he’s going to be so handsome!” You’ve never been called mom before. No one has called you a mother, or regarded you as one, not your friends, coworkers, hell not even Soobin.

It’s strange to hear, it makes your heart rate speed up.

You never really considered that your baby would, well, look like you. Sure you knew that the baby growing inside you was yours, but you never took the time to imagine how he would look like, what he’d sound like, what his name-

You have to stop yourself from overthinking.

You weren’t a mom. You weren’t supposed to name him. You shouldn’t care about how he looks or how he’s sound. 

You shouldn’t care about any of this, all of this was temporary anyways, right?

It’s 3 am in the morning and you’re trudging yourself to the bathroom because your bladder is crying to be released.

You rub your eyes, the bright light of the bathroom blinds you. You sit on the toilet and yawn. As you finish, you wash your hands with your eyes still closed. 

You were exhausted, no matter how much you slept, you were never comfortable enough to fully get a good rest.

You’re about to turn off the lights and leave, when you catch your reflection. You’re wearing nothing but a camisole (which has ridden up over your growing belly) and your panties. 

Despite it being November, you run warm now that you’re growing a baby. Wearing too many layers has you sweating like a pig at night.

Funny enough, Soobin is always cold, he naturally drifts towards you in his sleep, his icy hands resting against your hot skin. 

You turn to the side, and you’re surprised how big you’ve gotten. You’re almost proud.

You shake your head. You need to stop acting like this. You have nothing to be proud of, nothing to think about. You just need to go to sleep and mind your business-

Your thoughts are suddenly interrupted by a kick from your stomach. You look down, perplexed. Do babies read minds? 

You doubt that, but that seemed like too much of a coincidence for you to let it pass. You rub your hands over your bare belly, almost as if you’re apologizing.

Why do you feel guilty?

You swallow thickly and turn off the lights, leaving the bathroom to go back to bed. You enter the bedroom and see Soobin has taken your spot in bed, probably trying to find warmth in whatever was left from your body heat moments ago.

Nudging him, you slip back under the covers, letting him cuddle into your side, seeking your heat.

You naturally reach up to run a hand through his hair, it’s soft and fluffy and smells like fresh santal. 

Sometimes you envy Soobin.

For many things: like not having to deal with abnormal changes to his body, he doesn’t gag or feel sick by certain scents or foods, hang with friends without the stares, have a job that pays and schedules him fairly, loved by his parents no matter what he does.

You feel as if you suffer so much, just for him to continue a life of pleasure.

But as you lay together in bed, you’re reminded that you’re not the only one whose life has changed drastically this past year.

Soobin has had a stranger move into his home, puke her guts everyday inside his toilet for months, pays the rent for both of them, helps her stay caught up with schoolwork, goes with her to every doctor’s appointment, buys her all her weird cravings, cooks her food despite his challenges in the kitchen.

He runs her a bath when she’s too tired to shower, brushes her hair while she eats ice cream on the couch, pleases her sexual needs before his, he comforts her whenever she cries, even if it’s over the littlest thing like her struggling to put on her socks.

You cradle Soobin’s face in your hands. You hope your son looks like him. An innocent newborn shouldn’t look like someone as guilty as you.

You push Soobin away, turning the other direction. How could a horrible person like yourself be with a person who is giving and humble like Soobin?

“Merry Christmas!” Soobin’s mom is overjoyed to see you two at her front door. She immediately pulls you both into a bear hug. 

“Hi mom,” Soobin smiles. His mother pulls him down for a kiss on the cheek. “Have you been eating well? Sleeping well?” She asks him. He nods obediently. His mom turns her attention to you. 

“Y/n! I’m so happy to see you again.” She grins and without warning pulls you into another hug, petting your hair. 

“Me too,” You giggle nervously. You liked Soobin’s mom, you two previously met months prior when Soobin revealed to his parents you two were expecting a child. She was an incredibly sweet woman.

“How are you? Healthy? How is my grandbaby?” She leans down to cup your stomach, already baby talking to your unborn son. You try to relax and act normal, but your eyes flit over to Soobin, who tries to hide his grim expression.

Soobin has yet to inform his parents on your decision of adoption.

“Oh, come in come in! You two are probably cold! It’s freezing out there, snowing down a storm.” His mom ushers you both inside, allowing you two to remove your coats and shoes before entering. 

“Everyone’s here already, your sister-” “UNCLE SOOBIN!” A voice interrupts and you hear the sound of tiny feet running quickly. You look up and find a little boy running full speed towards you two. 

“Dokyung!” Soobin bends down, arms wide open as he catches the boy in a strong hug. The boy laughs loudly as Soobin tickles him.

Soobin stands back up, carrying the toddler in his arms as he faces you. “Dokyung, this is Y/n,” He introduces you. You give the boy a soft smile and wave your hand. “Hi Dokyung, nice to meet you,” 

He stares at you expressionless and you stare back. He looks so much like Soobin, like twins. You feel like you’re seeing double.

Not only that, but Soobin holds him so naturally, as if he were made to carry him, to raise a child. Dokyung looks comfortable as he lays in Soobin’s arms. It does something to your brain.

“Why is your tummy so big?” Dokyung suddenly asks, leaning down from Soobin’s grasp to pat you. You’re taken aback by his brash question, but what can you expect from an innocent child?

You find his curiosity endearing, and end up laughing. “There’s a baby inside, I’m pregnant.” You explain, rubbing a hand over your stomach as if to show.

Dokyung blinks at you. “Why?”

You blink back. How were you supposed to answer that?

“It’s almost time for dinner, are you hungry Dokyung? Grandma said she made lots of food for us,” Soobin jumps in and changes the subject. 

“No I want a cookie, mommy said I can eat a cookie because it’s Christmas!” Dokyung squirms out of Soobin’s arms, and drags him further into the house.

“He’s cute, isn't he? Dokyung is Soobin’s older sister’s son,” You almost forget Soobin’s mother has been here the entire time.

“Yeah, he’s funny,” You smile as you follow her to the living area. “We’re all so excited to have you join us this year for Christmas. And with an even newer member joining next year! Dokyung will be overjoyed to play with his new cousin!” She chuckles and you falter in your step.

You almost resent her for even mentioning that to you, but you can’t find it in your heart to do so.

“Happy New Year,” Soobin mumbles as you return from a midnight bathroom run. “Hmm?” You hum, unsure you heard him right.

“Happy New Year,” He repeats, his voice gruff as he sits up, leaning against the headboard. He looks good.

You crawl into the bed, but instead of going back to sleep, you decide to sit up in front of Soobin. 

He stares at you, eyes tired, while you’re practically wide awake.

You brush his hair out of his eyes, gently dragging your hands down to cup his cheeks. You lean in and give him a soft kiss . Your tongue licks his lips, asking for permission to enter. He grants it.

His own hands travel up your sides and to your neck, almost directing you how to kiss him.

You moan into his mouth, unable to control your reactions around him. You lean against his chest, you can feel his heart beating fast, it excites you.

Suddenly you pull away and Soobin looks at you dazed and confused. You pull him to the edge of the bed, already tugging at the band of his sweats. He complies, you two don’t have to speak to know what the other wants. 

Soobin is already halfway hard, but you can feel him thicken up as you drag your tongue across his length.

He holds your hair back and away from your face as you suck him off, you’re gentle and teasing tonight. In that dark room you look up at him with sincerity, you want to show him how grateful you are.

Your tongue swivels around the head of his cock, your cheeks hollowed out as Soobin throws his head back as he cums, you drink up every last drop until he’s begging you to stop.

He falls back onto the mattress, you crawl up next to him into his arms. You press a kiss to his cheek and whisper:

“Happy New Year,”

‘sorry not feeling good gonna stay in tonight :(‘

You press send and within seconds you see bubbles pop up, your friends giving you their best wishes, hoping you will recover soon so you can join them next time.

But you’re actually fine. But you don’t want them to know that.

You toss your phone onto the counter, and practically skip to the couch, giggling like a giddy child. 

“I can’t believe you’ve never watched The Princess Bride, it’s a classic!” You squeal as you lay on the couch, Soobin sits on the other side, letting you rest your feet on his thighs.

“Is it? I’ve never even heard of it,” He shrugs. You gasp and gawk at him, making him crack up. “Is that bad? Stop looking at me like that!” He points at you accusingly.

“I don’t want to hear a word from you until we’ve finished the entire thing, okay?” You prompt. He jokingly nods, and pretends to zip up his mouth and lock it with a ‘key’. You playfully take the ‘key’ and tuck it into your pocket. “Okay press play!”

As you predicted, Soobin is entranced by the movie as soon as it begins. You glance at him out of the corner of your eye every half hour or so, and his eyes are glued to the screen. 

You find it silly how easy he is to read, his expressions give him away so easily. The way his mouth is gaping wide open in shock, how loud he laughs when he finds something funny. You especially like the way his lips pout when he’s paying extra attention to the movie.

Eventually, Soobin has wiggled his way to your side, you both sharing the throw blanket. 

For some reason you can’t keep your eyes off Soobin. Even if your head is turned to the TV, your gaze falls to the man beside you.

Soobin abruptly turns to you, giving you a quizzing look. “What’s up?” He whispers, eyes flickering back to the TV then back to you. You shake your head and yawn. 

“Nothing.” You lie, and lean against his shoulder, deciding to close your eyes for just a moment. 

You feel Soobin gently resting his cheek against your head, and you fall asleep to dream land.

You feel as if you can’t breathe. Not because Soobin’s mom tied your hanbok a little too tight, but because you were currently sitting beside her son, posing for their annual family photo.

Soobin’s sister is holding Dokyung in her lap, her husband to her left. Soobin’s older brother is with his girlfriend, in matching hanbok. 

“Okay, everyone hold still! Honey, go press the button,” Soobin’s mom ushers her husband, and the older man steps out form his place to run and press the camera button on the propped up phone. He hurries back to stand beside his wife.

You put on your best smile, a hand resting atop your belly and the other in Soobin’s. Your h hand is sweaty and damp. You hear the phone click, and there's a bright flash. You blink as your smile falls, feeling dazed. 

“Hold on! No one move yet! Let me check to see if it’s good!” Soobin’s father calls out, and everyone remains in their spots. 

“Oh Dokyung!” The old man laughs. “No silly faces yet, just smile!” He chuckles. Dokyung’s mother giggles and fixes his hair as the toddler seems to find the situation silly. “One more time, smile everyone.” 

He runs back to his wife’s side and you all smile in silence once again. The camera clicks, there’s a flash, and you feel even more tired than before. 

“Perfect!” Soobin’s dad cheers, and Dokyung takes it as a sign to run off. As his parents chase after him, you let out a sigh you had no idea you were holding. 

“What’s wrong? Are you feeling alright?” Soobin helps you stand, and you fake a smile, fanning yourself. “Just need some air, I’m going to step out for a bit, I’m stuffy,” You tell him, letting go of his hand to head towards the front door.

You quietly make your leave, slipping on your outside shoes as you step out onto the small porch. You sit down on the steps, the air is brisk and cold, it feels like you’ve swallowed something minty with every breath.

It’s dark outside, the clouds cover most of the sky and it looks like it might snow again. Behind you, the bright and warm light of the house is contrasting. It’s full of life and love. You can hear Soobin’s family all happily conversing and every once in a while Dokyung's laughter.

As you sit and listen, admiring the peaceful outside, you hear the door open. You bet it’s Soobin here to check on you. 

But you’re surprised when the person grunts as they sit down beside you, looking up at the dark sky.

“If you stay out here for too long, you’ll get sick.” Soobin’s older sister lectures you with a soft tone. You turn to her, confused why she of all people is talking to you.

When you two first met during Christmas, she kept everything cordial and short, you two barely held a conversation alone, almost always someone else was involved. Not to mention half the time you were playing with her son.

“I was about to head back inside,” You lie. She takes a deep breath and nods, still not looking at you. You decide to turn your attention back to the scenery in front of you. You two sit there in awkward silence for a couple more minutes before she finds the courage to speak up again.

“Soobin told me what you plan to do after this.” You pause. She’s talking about after birth. “Yeah,” You cough out.

She finally looks at you, and you look at her. You originally thought the two siblings look nothing alike, but facing her now you can see the resemblance. No wonder Dokyung looked so much like Soobin. 

“Why are you doing all of this? Are you trying to hurt him more?” Her tongue is sharp and unrelenting, it throws you off guard.

“What?” You squeak out, flabbergasted by how upfront she was. Soobin’s sister drops the facade, the way she clenches her jaw you can tell she’s stressed.

“Why go through with the pregnancy? Why involve my brother? Why are you even here at our Seollal celebration? Why are you lying to my parents? Why are you doing any of this?” Each question feels like a knife piercing your heart. You feel as if you can’t breathe.

Out of fear you whip your head around, eyes focused on the cold concrete ground. Soobin’s sister waits for you to answer, she sits patiently.

Why were you doing this? You’ve never asked yourself this question, whether it be because you don’t know the answer, or because you do know and are scared to admit you do. Either way you have no way of explaining yourself.

“If you’re just going to give up on this child, there’s no reason to get my family involved.” She argues. “All you’re doing is making everyone around you suffer. My brother doesn’t deserve to have someone as selfish as you control him like a puppet. He’s his own person, let him make his own decisions.”

“I don’t know what you did to entrance him, but my brother is naive and genuine. He’s known nothing but love from the people around him. How could you force him into this when he’s obviously not ready? You’re not ready, that’s why you’re giving the baby up, right?” She taunts you. 

“I hate how you have my parents believing in this faux relationship you two have. Do you know how happy my mom was when Soobin told her about you? Her children are her treasures, imagine how she’ll feel when she finds out her youngest son was taken advantage of by an immature, irresponsible girl like yourself. You should be ashamed.”

Her words cut deeper and deeper into your already low ego, and you don’t realize you’ve been crying until you let out a sniffle.

“I-I’m sorry,” You choke out. Soobin’s sister stays quiet this time as you break down in front of her.

“I don’t know, I don’t know what I’m doing! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” You repeat over and over again. Deep down you know that no matter what you say, she won’t believe a word you say. You’ve already broken her trust even before meeting her, how do you expect to gain it back?

“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sor-” 

“Sis, what the hell?!” You jump at the sound of Soobin’s voice, he sounds furious. 

“Don’t you yell at me! Someone needed to talk some sense into her-” “And why do you think you’re the right person to do so?! You have no right to do any of this!” Soobin steps in front of you as his sister takes her stand. 

“Soobin, I’m doing this for you, for us-” He cuts her off with a scoff. “Sis, I’m not a child anymore. I can take care of myself. This is my business, not yours.”

You’re wiping your tears as you watch the two siblings fight. Soobin’s sister may be older, but he towers over her. She glares up at him, then at you.

“Look what she’s done to you. You’ve never acted like this before. You’re letting her lead your life.” She jabs a finger in your direction.

“No she’s not. Leave her out of this. If you have something to say, you say it to me and only me.” Soobin is stern. Why was he doing all of this?

His sister looks bewildered how her younger brother could ever utter such a thing to her face. She opens her mouth to speak again when the front door opens once more. 

“What’s all this noise? Dinner's almost ready, it’s time to come inside,” It’s Soobin’s mother. Her eyes first land on her two children, taking in their angry expressions. Then her gaze falls to you, hiding behind Soobin with tears in your eyes.

“Dear, why are you crying?” She asks, stretching out hand for you to take. You don’t move, not that you could anyways, because Soobin’s sister begins to yell again.

“Mom, no!” She hisses. “Do you even know who she really is?! She’s using Soobin!” The man mentioned sneers at his sister. “Will you shut up?”

That little insult lights a fire within his sister. She tears away from her brother, and instead confronts their mother. 

“Mother, you need to listen to me. Soobin and Y/n aren’t dating. They aren’t keeping the baby. That woman is going to give the baby up for adoption because she’s a selfish brat who wants to go back to partying and being lazy.” She’s almost begging, grabbing the older woman’s hands and holding them between her own. 

Soobin’s mom is rightfully shocked by this information, her face says it all. She looks at her son, who stands defeated. She turns to you again, and you wish you had turned away because there’s betrayal written in her eyes. 

“Y/n, is this true? Soobin?” She switches between you both, searching for answers. You look to Soobin, waiting for a sign, something, anything.

“See? Mom, you believe me right?” Soobin’s sister almost sounds proud of this. You then realize that Soobin can’t tell his mom, and you suddenly realize his sister was right all along.

You let out a huff and stand up. All eyes are on you.

“Yes ma’am, it’s true. I’m considering giving up the baby for adoption.” You feel as if you’re trying to swallow a lump in your throat as you speak. “Soobin and I have already discussed this. We think this is the best option. I’m really sorry for deceiving you.”

And then it’s like the world goes silent. Like you’ve been drowning and you’re falling deeper and deeper underwater. You’ve fallen so deep, the sound of the world disappears.

What happens next is a blur. You don’t remember much other than Soobin taking your hand, grabbing your belongings and dragging you to his car for a long, tense drive home.

You feel relieved.

For some reason you sound distorted, but it doesn’t seem to bother your son. 

You’re singing him to sleep, he’s swaddled in a blanket, but you can’t seem to make out his face. 

You walk around the kitchen, patting his back, gently moving back and forth in hopes of soothing him. The second you stop he begins to cry a loud scream of terror. You’re panicking, you don’t know what to do.

Where the hell was Soobin? He should be here, this was his baby too.

You’re searching the apartment, trying to be a good mother while searching for the man in question, but he’s nowhere to be found.

You try to call out for him, but you have no voice. There’s no sound. None at all. It’s so quiet something feels wrong. 

You realize you’re empty handed. Your son is gone, missing. The panic begins to settle in quickly. 

You’re spinning around, you’re no longer in the apartment, but your local grocery store. It’s crowded, everyone seems to be getting in your way as you try to move. 

You try to stop someone, anyone. You need help, your baby is gone, your son, someone took him, you’re sure of it.

Someone kidnapped your baby boy.

Why was no one worried, why was no one helping you?! It was like you were all alone in this. 

As you begin to hyperventilate, you spot a familiar figure.

Soobin. You run towards him but it’s like you’re moving through water, slow and frustrating. You try to shout at him, but you forget you can’t make any noise.

So you run and run, but Soobin is getting farther and farther. And even worse, you’ve realized it’s him with your son.

His large back taunts you as he cradles the infant, walking a mile with each step he takes. 

You eventually fall and give up. You’re all alone out there, and not a single soul seems to care.

You wake up with tears rolling down your cheeks, and Soobin shaking you awake. 

“Y/n, wake up,” He sounds worried. You blink your eyes open and quickly wipe your eyes with the back of your hands. 

“Are you okay? You were crying in your sleep,” Soobin asks. You ignore him and stand up, speeding to the bathroom. 

“Y/n,” He’s following you, but somehow you evade him, running inside the bathroom and locking it. 

“Y/n? Y/n. Y/n open the door please,” Soobin knocks. “I just want to make sure you’re okay.” 

How can he say something like that to you? You hate hearing him say such nice things. You wish he’d never said yes to you. You wish he never asked you to move in, you wished he never treated you well.

You sit on top of the toilet, trying your best to cry quietly, because you know you’d be worrying him more if he can hear you.

Soobin is still talking to you through the door.

You’re wiping your eyes with toilet paper when you feel your stomach flip flop and you stop breathing.

Your hands ghost over your belly, as if it would disappear if you touched it. You’re actually a bit relieved. 

Your son was right here with you.

In April, you’re shopping for yourself when you are stopped by someone you wish you hadn’t run into.

You were looking at shoes. Now that you were getting closer and closer to birth, your body was changing more rapidly. Your old sneakers and boots no longer fit your feet without your ankles being strangled.

With what little money your job gave you, you planned on getting the most comfortable pair of slip-on shoes.

“Excuse me, do you have these in a size-” “Y/n?” Your conversation with the employee is interrupted by a familiar voice that has shivers running down your spine.

You pause, not wanting to turn your head. Maybe you could pretend you didn’t hear, that you were not Y/n, and they would leave you alone.

But this person is relentless. You can hear them approach you as you try to talk to the employee again. 

“It is you. Y/n, it’s me, Yeji.”

Hwang Yeji, your ex best friend from high school. You guys never really had a falling out, you just went to different universities. You later found out two years ago that she was talking shit about you to make herself look better to her new uni friends after you reunited at a party.

You turn around and put on your bravest smile. “Oh, Yeji, hey,” Maybe it’s because you’re nervous that you begin to hug your stomach.

You see Yeji’s eyes wander down, then back up at you. Shelooks stunned. You don’t blame her.

“Oh my god. Congratulations!” She puts on a fake smile and goes in for a hug, you put up a hand to stop her. “Thanks. You look good.”

“You look good too!” Yeji laughs, though you know she’s probably rolling around with excitement on the inside.

“How have you been? I haven’t seen you in so long!” She squeals, grabbing your hands as if to hold you down. “I’m fine, I actually-“

“We need to get lunch and catch up, are you busy right now? Do you have time? I know a really good kalguksu place nearby here, the owners love me! My boyfriend and I are their favorite customers. You remember my boyfriend Jeno, right?”

Of course you remember Jeno, was she dumb? He was the boy you grew up with, your childhood crush since you were 10. Yeji knew you liked Jeno back when you were younger, yet she still went to date him. You hear they’re pretty on and off now.

“Yeah, I do-“ “Great! I'm actually shopping with him right now, I’m sure he’ll be excited to see you too! You can invite your boyfriend too,” She assumes. “Unless you’re alone?” She flashes you a malevolent smile, and you’re reminded of the hell she put you through just years before.

It’s then that you’re grateful Soobin insisted on joining you, because he arrives just on time to save you.

“Y/n! These shoes look nice and comfortable-” He stops abruptly when he notices Yeji. He approaches you slowly, and is even more taken aback when you yank your hands from her and practically hug him.

“Uh, Hello,” He awkwardly bows, looking between you and Yeji as if unsure what to do. You turn back to Yeji. “Sorry, I am busy actually. My boyfriend and I still have some shopping to do for our baby.” You smile sheepishly. 

“I just love being a mom, you know? I can’t wait to give birth and have more of his kids, because we’re so so in love with each other, isn’t that right babe? Anyways see you Yeji, tell Jeno I said hi!” You say before dragging Soobin away.

You two barge out of the store, leaving the woman in shock. “Who was that?” He asks in a hushed tone, he keeps turning back to get a glimpse of your ex best friend. 

You have to grab his arm and pull him down the street, trying your best to not seem embarrassed or angry as you storm off. 

“No one important,” You huff. You can tell Soobin is staring at you again as you finally let go of him to walk ahead. 

You end up slowing down, running out of breath faster than you can imagine. Soobin stops as you rest against a wall.

“So I’m your boyfriend when it’s convenient for you? Is that all I am to you?” Despite his harsh words, he sounds more confused than anything.

You look up at him, trying to find the right words, because you didn’t want to admit that you wished everything you said to Yeji was true.

“It was just a lie. She was getting on my nerves.” You spit out. Soobin sighs, running a hand through his hair, leaving it a mess. He looks irritated, all because of you.

“I’m sorry,” You apologize, trying to show your sincerity through your eyes. Soobin does nothing but look at you, his silence louder than any words he could have said.

You weren’t dating, but you two fucked like you were. That was 100% true.

You’re laying on your back as Soobin laps at your puffy cunt like he’s a starved man.

With every flick of his tongue you let out a whimper, Soobin temporarily stops grabbing you by the jaw. He turns you towards him, allowing him to have access to your pretty lips. He kisses you like his life depends on it, biting and licking your lips.

You’re out of breath, feeling winded and tired, yet you can’t help but move your hips closer and closer to him. This connection between you two was carnivorous, and you wished to be devoured.

“You’re such a fucking slut,” Soobin growls at you, as if he hadn’t just sucked the life out of you while he pumped his fingers in and out of your dripping hole. You only moan, craving him to move and give you that sweet, sweet release. 

Every part of him, his face, his chest, his arms, his fingers, his thighs, his cock, you love it all. You love how he spreads you open in all the right ways, how he's both rough and gentle with you. How he knows what gets you off, the amount of control you trust him to have over you and your body.

“You want more baby?” He asks, his tone switching to something softer as you grind yourself against his hand. You nod, desperate. He does as he’s told, and goes back, holding your legs wide open as he slurps you up. 

Your hands find their way to his head, groping his hair as you push him further into you. You can feel your stomach coil up, your breath hitching. You try to find some stability, gripping the bed sheets, Soobin’s hair, anything to keep your sanity. 

Your orgasm crashes into you, wiping you out completely. As you come down from your high, your body relaxes, losing all energy. Soobin drags himself up, wiping his face with the back of his hand. He looks down at you like the prey you are. You’re unaware of what’s to come next, your eyes are closed. 

You feel the bed dip and hear it creek as Soobin joins you. Your eyes shoot open as you feel him rub his tip against your entrance. You’re met with a lustful man, his eyes droopy as he cages you beneath him. 

“Wanna give me one more, please?” He’s so polite, you answer with a simple nod. Soobin smiles, and with a single swift movement, enters your already throbbing pussy.

You hear him whine, something about how tight you felt, but you can’t concentrate. You feel as if you’re seeing stars from just trying to adjust to his size.

Soobin takes no time to start moving, his thrusts are deep and consistent, a rhythm you’ve come to recognize. You pout at him from your position, craving more of his touch. You lift your arms up, asking him to hold you. 

He does more than just hold you, Soobin consumes you. His body wraps itself around you, he becomes all you can see, hear, and smell. Your senses are flooded with him.

He’s like a drug you think, the way he stimulates you, heightens all of your reactions. You get a taste and you’re hooked. 

You lock lips, arms snaking around his neck, pulling him to you as your lips and tongue move in sync with him. Soobin’s hands roam your naked body, from teasing your perky nipples to rubbing your round belly affectionately. 

His hips begin to move rapidly, falling out inconsistently. He’s whining into your mouth, chasing after that high you will so gracefully give him.

“Fuck- Cum in me,” You gasp. It’s not a plea, it’s an order.

And Soobin listens, standing up to hold your legs together. His thrusts become crazed and rampant, his voice creeping out as he can’t control himself anymore.

Soobin collapses as he cums inside you, shaking as you milk him dry. After you lay beside him, his cum dripping out your cunt and onto the sheets, you can’t help but admire the man. 

He lays there, glistening in sweat and breathing heavily. His eyes are shut, a hand is thrown over his face as if to shield him, to you he looks like an angel who just descended from heaven.

You observe him for a moment longer before pulling yourself to sit up. You turn to look back at Soobin, his cheeks are flushed a bright red. You reach over to caress his face, drawing him to finally open his eyes and look at you.

“Let’s take a bath, hm?” You ask quietly. You swear his cheeks get brighter. “Yeah,” Soobin answers, letting you help him up as you two make your way to the bathroom to clean up.

The summer heat is settling in, you’re sweating, thirsty, and uncomfortable, but you have the biggest smile.

Despite your objections, your friends insisted on throwing you a small baby shower. So here you are, standing under a canopy in a public park, surrounded by the most supportive people you know.

You’re wearing a custom crocheted dress your old friend Sakura made just for this occasion, how she got your measurements without your knowledge, you have no idea. But it’s beautiful, you feel beautiful.

Aeri and Minjeong dolled you up, doing your hair and makeup for today, while Jimin and Ningning helped set up the party decorations.

There’s a little table with desserts, another larger one with catering, and folding chairs for everyone to sit on. Jimin even ordered a backdrop for everyone to be able to take photos together. 

You’re sneaking a bite of a cupcake when a hand sneaks around your waist, causing you to spin around. “You’re not supposed to be eating that,” Soobin teases, and you playfully roll your eyes.

“It’s just one bite! Here, finish it for me then,” You lift the cupcake to his mouth, feeding him the blue iced dessert.

Soobin takes a small bite, grabbing the cupcake and placing it back on the table behind you, wiping his mouth with his thumb.

His gaze lingers on you for a little too long, you feel goosebumps grow on your arms. Usually you’d tell him to stop, to leave you alone. But today you were allowing yourself to indulge in your desires.

“I didn’t know Minjeong invited your friends too,” You say, looking over to the small crowd of people in front of you. Soobin doesn’t turn to look, his attention focused on you.

“Yeah, I guess she knows Beomgyu through Heeseung.” He murmurs. You can see Soobin’s best friend conversing happily with a group of guys. Your friends were mingling well. 

You had all these friends gathered here today, yet not a single family member was in the midst. Yours were nonexistent for reasons you and Soobin knew long ago. But after Seollal you found out he’d temporarily cut contact with his sister. You don’t like knowing that he did that for you.

His mother was having a hard time coming to terms with your decision. She still calls and checks up on you two, but she always sounds sad and disheartened. 

You shake your head and try to not think about that stuff, you were supposed to be happy right now.

As you’re trying to find something to lift your spirits, Soobin speaks up. “Did I tell you you look pretty today?” Your head whips around, a little shocked he could say something so blatant to you in public.

“I mean you’re always pretty,” He doubles down a bit nervously. “But you’re especially beautiful today.” His honest words have your cheeks turning red, you’re lucky you’re wearing foundation to cover them. 

“Thank you,” You mumble, looking away from his deep intense eyes. They follow you and your every move. 

Feeling bold, you reach over and grab his hand, and you can visibly see Soobin’s mood perk up from this single physical gesture.

“Come on, I think Jimin said she’s got a game prepared, I need you to win me that body lotion set.” You pull him towards your friends. 

You hear him laugh, and his grip tighten around your hand. Maybe you can be selfish for a bit longer.

It’s the middle of June, and you’ve never been more thankful for Soobin’s apartment having an A/C unit than ever before.

In your old apartment, you always had to fight the heat by doing whatever you could to stay cool. The building was older and despite it being listed as having air conditioning, it really meant a plug in house fan.

You’re currently sitting on the couch, watching a show you’ve been binging all morning. Earlier in the season, a side character revealed she was pregnant, and now in this episode, she was arguing with her husband over baby names. Neither of them could come to a conclusive name they both liked.

You look down at your stomach, you’ve grown so much. You were due in a month in a half, so you were almost bursting at the seams.

Naming your baby was a topic you never really pondered on. Mainly because you felt like you didn’t need to with your decision. But a part of you is curious. You stare at your stomach for a while, internally fighting your conscience on what to do in this situation.

To name really anything you are giving ownership and possession of it. To name a person, you are giving them meaning, personality and a life.

As if urging you to make a decision, your son kicks, his leg pressing against the walls of your womb. You can see the left of your stomach jut out a bit more and usual.

If you do it alone, with no one to witness and persecute you, there is no harm done, right? You ask yourself this question over and over again until your baby moves again, almost as if telling you to hurry up.

You bite your lip, sucking in a tight breath.

“What about… Dongmin?” You say out loud, and it’s like the air grows thick with anticipation. You’re not sure who you’re asking, but you’re waiting for something, anything to give you an answer.

“Or Hyunsoo.” You wait. No one responds. Your anxiety slowly turns into hunger, you want an answer.

“Jisung, Leejoon, Seonwoo, Eunsung!” You begin to list off any name you can think of, eager to get a reaction out of anything. “Hajin, Juyoung, Eunjae-”

Your entire stomach flips. Your son is kicking, punching your side like his little life depends on it.

“That one?” You ask, bewildered that he would react so excitedly. He seems to calm down for a second, maybe it was a bluff.

You bite the inside of your gum, unsure how to read the situation. “Do you like that name?” You ask again, and there’s no response. You hold your breath, testing the waters once more.

Eunjae. Choi Eunjae.” You state loudly. Almost immediately you get a reaction, your son moves about in your belly like he’s doing somersaults.

You begin to laugh, you never thought a single name could elicit something so grand from within your womb.

“Is that right? Your name is Eunjae, Choi Eunjae.” You say again, and you feel your insides tickle. 

As you’re enjoying yourself, the silent apartment begins to consume you, reminding you that you shouldn’t be smiling at all. You shouldn’t even be naming your baby, you shouldn't be doing any of this.

The guilt starts to seep in, and your laughter soon transforms into cries of agony.

At 3 in the morning you wake up and realize Soobin is not in bed. Why are you awake as well? You have to use the bathroom, but you have a feeling that’s not the same reason as why Soobin is missing.

After using the restroom, you creep out of the bedroom, yawning as you pad down the hall. What was he doing up so late?

Walking into the kitchen, you see the sliding door to the balcony is open. 

And Soobin is outside, leaning against the railing as he’s talking to someone on the phone. His voice is muffled and quiet.

You tiptoe closer, you know you shouldn’t spy, but your curiosity got the better of you.

“I’m listening.” Soobin sighs, pressing his phone against his ear as he yawns, struggling to stay awake.

“No yeah, I know.” You watch him hum, leaning against the wall for support. 

Whoever he’s talking to must have asked a question that irritates him, because he clicks his tongue in annoyance. “Don’t say that.”

He lets out a long and tired sigh, you see him rub his face. “Y/n and I- We- stop acting as if we’re dating mom, you know we aren’t.”

It’s hypocritical, you think. You say it all the time, you and Soobin aren’t dating. You guys are not in a relationship, and you practically preach that you two will never ever get together.

But when you hear him say it out loud, those words you never imagined him speaking, you feel like every spark of hope left in your body has gone off and died.

And the fact that he was telling this to his mom.

You don’t want to listen to what else he has to say, you march back to the bedroom and throw the covers over your head.

You don’t want to cry, you can’t cry, you don’t deserve to cry. You brought this on yourself, you know this. So why were you so heartbroken?

You’re biting your tongue, clenching your fist in hopes of subduing your tears, when you hear Soobin walk back into the room. He stops and stands by the doorway.

He’s there for a moment, and you have to hold your breath.

“No, she’s still asleep,” You hear him say into the phone as he walks off back to the balcony. He shuts the door hastily behind him.

“What’re you doing?” Soobin asks, sounding threatened. You look up from your spot on the floor, caught.

“I’m packing.” You say simply, as if it weren’t already obvious. “Where are you going?” He questions further, stepping into the bedroom and staying by the door as if to block you from leaving.

You look up at him and scoff. “I’m not going anywhere.” You shake your head. You see him relax a bit. “Not yet at least.” 

“I mean, once I have the baby in a couple of days, there’s no reason for us to be living together anymore, right?” You remind him. “I’m just packing now so that I don’t have to worry about it afterwards, to make things easier for us.” 

Soobin stays silent as you turn back around and go back to folding and placing your clothes back into your suitcase.

“But you ended your lease, where will you stay?” He shuffles deeper into the room. “I’m gonna stay with Minjeong until I find a new place.” You try to ignore him to the best of your ability. 

“Why don’t you just stay here until you do? Why move out just to move in with your friend?” He argues, and you get the feeling this has nothing to do with inconveniencing your best friend. 

You huff, and roughly throw in your folded jeans into the suitcase, you can’t find it in you to turn to him, already hurt. “You know why Soobin,” You can see him sit down on the bed out of the corner of your eye.

“There’s no reason for me to stay, it’s not like we’re dating or-” “Then why aren’t we?!”

Soobin’s voice causes the room to shake, and your head snaps at him, eyes wide that he could utter those words at you.

He stares at you intensely, his fist are clenched in anger, his brows furrowed as he is desperately searching your face for an answer.

“We act like a couple, talk like one, sleep together like one- why can’t we?” His voice is so quiet, so meek that you’re reminded of the Soobin you first met that fateful night at that stupid party.

You immediately look away, you can’t even focus on your clothes anymore. He’s asked you a forbidden question.

“Tell me Y/n. I don’t get it.” Soobin pushes. “I’m your boyfriend when you need someone to provide, when an old friend annoys you, when you need to fuck. But suddenly you throw me out the window the second I get too close. I don’t know why but I want to understand you.”

Your gaze is fixed on the floor, your hands resting on your knees as you try your best to not break down in front of him. You couldn’t let him see you cry, you knew he hated it. 

“I-I love you, you know?” Those words open the flood gates.

“I’d do anything for you. I already do. I let you use me, twist me around, break me down. Just because I want you to just like me back. I feel like I’m doing everything I can in my favor, but you-” Soobin stops and sighs, getting off from bed to kneel beside you. He grabs your hands and has you face him. You shut your eyes and keep your head down. 

“I hate seeing you cry,” He mumbles, lifting your head to wipe your tears with his thumb. You try to pull away, but he’s got a firm grip on you. 

“Y/n,” His voice is soft. “I don’t know what’s stopping you, I know you love me too, I know you do.”

You finally open your eyes, and a part of you is relieved your tears have blurred your vision, because you can’t bear to see Soobin’s face once you disappoint him.

“No I don’t,” You lie, shaking your head. Soobin’s hands fall from yours, and you turn your back to him, hiding your sobs as best you can as you immediately regret your words.

You need to apologize, but you’re wiping your tears away when you hear Soobin get up in a rush. He’s out the front door before you can realize. You struggle to get up, hobbling out the front door.

You reach the hallway window just in time to see Soobin speed off, his car furiously disappearing down the street. 

“Fuck.” You cuss yourself out. “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck-” 

You suck in a breath as you’re leaning against the hall wall when you feel warm liquid run down your legs. Were you seriously so upset that you peed yourself-

A sudden spike of pain shoots up your uterus and you feel as if you can’t breathe. You almost fall to your knees, forcing yourself to stand until the pain dissipates. That’s when it hits you.

Holy shit your water broke.

You waddle back inside the apartment, insearch of your phone. You try to relax your breathing as you find it laying on the bed. You need to call Soobin. You don’t care that you two just had a fight, you needed to-

Your mind goes blank when you hear a familiar ringtone play loudly from the kitchen. You walk over and find Soobin’s phone ringing on the counter. On his screen is a photo of you from the babyshower. It’s a photo you hadn’t realized he’d taken. 

You were laughing at your friends, cradling a plastic baby doll in your arms. You looked so happy, that day he called you beautiful.

You feel your eyes well up again, but your sniffles are interrupted by another sharp pain. This must be contractions or something, because you felt like you were dying as well as needing to take a giant shit. 

But without Soobin here, you don’t know what to do. You never planned that today would be the day, your doctor promised you had at least another week. 

You stand there by the kitchen counter, agonizing in pain. You know you should call an ambulance, that you should call your family, your friends. But the only person you can think about is Soobin.

The man you’d hopelessly fallen in love with was long gone, leaving without a trace.

“But he’s sleeping!” Soobin whines. “He just fell asleep, I can’t move or else he’ll wake up and cry.” His pout is just as cute as your son’s. You walk over to them, still in your pajamas as it’s early morning. Eunjae looks so comfy as he sleeps soundly in Soobin’s arms and coddled up in a blanket. “It’ll be okay, I’m here.” You remind your boyfriend as you attempt to pick up your baby.

“No please- Y/n please! I don’t want to leave. I’ll miss you two so much,” Soobin looks like he might actually cry. You heard of babies getting separation anxiety, but not much of parents. You sigh and sit beside your boyfriend, all of his attention has turned back to your son. Soobin leans down to kiss his head of hair, cheek resting against him for warmth. 

Your hand finds its way to Soobin’s hair, you run your fingers through his locks and massage his scalp. “You’ll be back home before you know it,” You whisper. “We’ll be waiting for you here, we promise okay?” You say as you gently take Eunjae from his arms. “No, oh no look. He woke up,” Soobin points out, and sure enough Eunjae squirms until he blinks his little eyes open. 

“I should stay, he’s gonna have a hard time sleeping. Here let me-” “No, Soobin.” You shake your head as you pat Eunjae’s bottom to soothe him. “I know you don’t want to leave us, but it’s going to be just fine,” You assure him. Soobin swallows thickly, he realizes it too. 

He pulls you into a hug. “I love you.” He mumbles into your temple. “I love you too, and so does Eunjae, he loves you so much.” You remind him and Soobin sniffles. “You’re right. I should go. Before I actually end up running late.” His shoulders slump as he trudges around the couch and towards the front door.

You feel Eunjae move in your arms. You look down and stifle a laugh. “What?” Soobin hears you anyways as he puts on his shoes. “Nothing.” You lie. “But I think Eunjae’s following you.” You gesture to the infant in your arms and the way he strains his neck just to get a good look at his dad. His round eyes and pouty lips yearn for another glimpse. Soobin frowns, now he really doesn’t want to leave. 

“Please don’t make me go, I promise just one more day-” 

“Bye! Love you! See you soon!” 

You press a kiss to his lips and push him out the door.

Eunjae’s giggles bring a bright smile to Soobin’s face. He blows another raspberry onto his plump tummy, and hears another burst of laughter from his son. He could listen to him for hours. “Alright you two, it’s time to eat,” You chuckle as you finish setting out the lunchboxes you’d packed.

“Look at this babe,” Soobin grins as he blows another raspberry onto Eunjae, soliciting the most adorable giggles from your son. “Hi my love!” You poke Eunjae’s cheek as he calms down, still wearing a wide smile. “Are you having fun with Papa? He’s so silly isn’t he?” You give your son an eskimo kiss, making him coo with happiness.

Soobin sits Eunjae beside him on the picnic blanket as you place a bib on your baby. Noticing this, Eunjae gets excited. Now that he was six months old he could eat solids he loved meal times, long gone were the days of breast milk and formula.

You open tupperware of yogurt you packed, you have mixed in some mashed bananas. Eunjae gurgles at the sight, already making grabby hands at you as you spoon him some into his mouth. His chubby little fingers wrap around the plastic baby spoon and he steals it from you. Soobin lets out a laugh as you shake your head, pretending to disapprove. “Good thing I brought another one.” You tease, grabbing the second spoon you packed.

“Let me feed him honey, go ahead and eat,” Soobin insists and for the second time today you get your spoon taken from you. You watch as he turns to face Eunjae, scooping one bite after another into his little mouth. Your son has little patience when it comes to food, he grunts whenever Soobin takes too long in feeding him.

You can’t help but laugh. “What’s so funny?” Soobin asks, looking up with a smile just to see your reaction. “You’re like his butler,” You chortle, pointing out how your son practically bosses your boyfriend around. Soobin scoffs, pretending to roll his eyes as he sits up. “I have no idea what you’re even talking about-” “AARGH!”

You both jump at Eunjae’s shocking shout. His little meaty hands are balled into fists as he waves them around. He glares at the bowl in Soobin’s hands as he tries to crawl closer. He climbs up against Soobin’s leg, opening and closing his fat fingers as he practically begs for his dad to feed him. 

“Okay, okay! Sit down, Papa will feed you,” Soobin exclaims as he resumes spoon feeding his son. You burst out laughing, you can’t even focus on your own meal as you happily watch from the sidelines.

You hear Soobin shout from the living room and you sprint over. “What?! What happened?!” You cry as you arrive. Soobin looks at you in complete shock from his seat on the couch. Eunjae sits on the floor with some of his toys. “What’s wrong? Baby?” You approach your son, kneeling down to meet his level. Eunjae crawls up your lap and you hold him close. 

“He- He- Eunjae-” Soobin chokes over his words. “Huh?” You’re so confused. Soobin resets and shakes his head. He suddenly points at you two. “Eunjae- he was walking.” You gasp, and look at your son with wide eyes. You hold him up, he looks at you innocently, as if he has no idea why you or his dad are so surprised. 

WIth assistance, Eunjae could walk just fine. He liked holding your hand as he wobbled down the street. More often than not you found him holding onto tables, ledges or really anything for support. So if what Soobin said was true, that meant your baby boy was officially growing up to become a toddler.

“You did?! You took your first steps and I missed it?!” You sound sad now that you realized you missed such an important milestone. “No! No, I meant he tried to walk, he almost made it,” Soobin reiterates. He climbs down the couch to sit on the floor. “See if he’ll walk to me,” He opens his legs wide and holds his hands out. You stand Eunjae up, making him face Soobin. 

“Walk to Papa! You can do it, walk to Papa!” You encourage him, holding him up by his hands. His small hands grip your index fingers tight. You’re able to release your left hand, but when you let go of your right, Eunjae falls down and crawls to Soobin. “Almost!” Soobin smiles, picking up Eunjae by the armpits and standing him back up.

“Now Mama’s turn! Go to Mama!” Like you, Soobin guides Eunjae’s first couple of steps before finally letting go. But like the last time, Eunjae opts to crawl to you instead. You and your boyfriend go back and forth with your son a few more times before you decide to take a break, letting Eunjae play with the xylophone Kai had bought him a few weeks ago. 

As Eunjae randomly bangs each metal note, you sit beside Soobin, the both of you on the floor and leaning against the couch. Your head is on his shoulder as you both relax. “Maybe we can try again tomorrow?” Soobin offers. You lazily nod your head. “We should let him walk at his own pace.”

Your eyes begin to feel heavy and you begin to feel your exhaustion catch up to you. You don’t even notice the banging has stopped. You yawn as Soobin’s arm snakes up behind you to pull you in closer. You smile to yourself. “Wanna take a nap baby?” Soobin whispers into your ear. “Maybe,” You mumble. You yawn once more, and let your eyes close.

You’re about to drift off to sleep when you’re thrown up, Soobin pushing you upright as he jolts up. “Come here! Come to Papa and Mama!” He grins, arms wide. It takes you a second to register, but you suddenly realize what’s going on. You whip your head around to find Eunjae standing on his own, arms raised as he balances himself. 

“Eunjae! Baby come here!” You smile as you urge him to walk. Both you and Soobin wave your hands, gesturing for your son to take his first steps towards you both. Slowly but surely, Eunjae lifts his little legs one at a time. As he walks a wobbly line, he nearly falls. Soobin reaches over and catches him, pulling him into a giant family hug. 

“You did it! My baby you did it!” You cheer, giving Eunjae a good squeeze. “What a big boy! Eunjae you can walk!” Soobin tickles his tummy and elicits wonderful laughter from your son. You press kisses to his little face, so happy you could cry. 

“Say Pa-pa! Pa-pa!” Soobin enunciates his words slowly as he kneels down in front of his son. Eunjae just laughs, finding his dad funny. “Hey!” You emerge and walk over quickly. “That’s cheating! I was using the bathroom.” You complain and your boyfriend only smirks. “You’re just jealous,” he jokes. 

You roll your eyes as you grab Eunjae’s hand. As Soobin pays the bill, you and Eunjae wait in the lobby. “Ma-ma! Ma-ma!” You exaggerate your lips as you try to teach your son to speak. Eunjae giggles and babbles something unintelligible. “Like this: Mmmmm!” You show him how to make an M sound, pressing your lips together. 

“And you said I was a cheater,” Soobin sneaks up behind you, wrapping an arm around your waist. “You got your extra five minutes, it’s now it’s my turn,” You argue, the three of you making your way back to the car.

“Do you know what your first word was?” You ask as Soobin buckles Eunjae into his seat. “Hmm. I think my mom said was ‘Dada’. Or ‘Hyung’, I don’t remember.” He shrugs. You make a face as you sit in the driver's seat, waiting for Soobin to sit down. Once he does, you drive off. 

“Why? What was yours?” He asks. “My dad used to mention that I used to call both my parents ‘Mom’ before I could differentiate them.” You reveal. Soobin hums and turns around to look at Eunjae. From your rear view mirror you can see your son is busy looking out the window and happily kicking his feet.

“Whatever his first word is, I just know I’ll be happy to know he’s communicating with us.” Soobin admits. “Yeah, me too. I love his little voice.” You laugh. “Isn’t that right Eunjae?” Your son grins at you through the mirror. 

“Oh shoot. We were supposed to drop by Yeonjun’s place. We got the extra dessert for him.” Soobin remembers as you drive, gesturing to the takeout box in his lap. “Oh yeah! I think I remember the way there.” You nod.

“Hear that Jae-Jae? We’re going to Uncle Jjunie’s house!” Soobin cheers and Eunjae shouts excitedly, kicking his feet in his car seat. “Unco Jjunie!!” Eunjae giggles and you immediately pull over and slam on your breaks. You whip around in your seat, looking aghast at your 9 month old son. 

“What did you just say??” You gasp. Soobin is right next to you, horrified. “Unco Jjunie!” Eunjae repeats, still grinning at you both like this was some sort of game. The car is dead silent, minus the faint radio and sounds of Eunjae’s foot still hitting the base of his car seat. 

“Did he- Does that mean- his first word is Yeonjun?!” Soobin stumbles over his words as he struggles to come to terms with everything. “No! We are imagining this, we have to be!” You hiss at him. 

“Unco Jjunie?” Eunjae asks, looking confused. Soobin shrieks. You turn your blinker on and speed back onto the road. “W-Where are you going?!” Soobin asks. “Uncle Jjunie’s apartment! Because I’m going to kill him!” You snarl, racing down the street.

“Unco Jjunie!” Eunjae cheers, oblivious to your rage.

“Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Eunjae! Happy birthday to you!” You sing along with Soobin as you two sit across from Eunjae at the table. 

“Yay! Blow out the candle my love!” You encourage, only for your son to spit all over the mini cake you’d bought. 

You and Soobin giggle as you watch him attempt over and over again. Soobin eventually blows out the candle himself when the wax begins to drip. 

You all clap, Eunjae is especially excited. “Cake!” He shouts as Soobin delicately slices into the dessert and places a piece on a plate.

“Here you go love.” You hand him a plastic fork and he begins to dig in. 

It’s 8:36 pm, and despite it being past Eunjae’s usual bedtime, Soobin and you allowed him to stay up and have cake so you three can celebrate his first birthday, right on the dot.

“Do you ever think about how crazy it is that he’s so big already?” You mumble as you watch your son eat with adoring eyes. 

“Yeah. 365 days ago he was half his size.” Soobin agrees. You suddenly let out a sigh, feeling your lover pull you into his arms. You relax from his touch.

“Do you remember the day I went into labor?” You remind him, and Soobin lets out a groan of embarrassment.

“Shut up. We do not talk about that day.” He grumbles. You laugh at him. “What? It’s not even that bad.” You lie, knowing it’ll rile him up. “Stop it. I actually hate that memory. I went through the 5 stages of grief 17 times within 2 hours.” 

You burst out laughing, turning to look at Soobin who hides his shame behind his hands. “Well then what are we going to tell our children in the future of how we got together?” You teasingly ask.

“We lie and tell them we met on Hinge like normal people. I’m taking that story with me to the grave, so that means you can’t say a word.” Soobin shakes his head.

You’re busy giggling to yourself to notice your son is intently watching you two as he eats. He finally makes himself known once his plate is empty and frosting paints his cheeks.

“Cake?” Eunjae points to the dessert as he wants more. Soobin and you both begin to laugh at his messy face, you wipe his cheeks and Soobin cleans his hands. 

“No more my love, it’s time to get washed up and ready for bed.” You announce, picking him up from his high chair. “I don’t know about sleep, all that sugar is going to keep him up.” Soobin quips.

His words fall on deaf ears though, you’re focused on your son as you tickle him. Soobin steals Eunjae’s attention by pressing a big kiss to his chubby cheek. “Happy birthday Eunjae, Papa loves you so much.”

Soobin then turns and kisses you, right in the lips. It’s slow yet passionate and makes your heart flutter. He tastes of vanilla, you suspect he stole a bite of the cake when you weren’t looking. 

When he pulls away you notice the fond look in his eyes as he stares at you, the sweetest smile gracing his lips. “Happy anniversary Y/n, I love you most.”

His words are no louder than a whisper, but they speak volumes, ringing in your ears for years to come.

“H-Hey Eunjae,” Beomgyu calls from his hiding spot behind the couch. “No more crying, alright? The neighbors might put in a noise complaint!” He tries his best to sound jovial, but this just angers the three month old even more.

Little Eunjae’s face is beet red, his lips contorted into a deep frown as he cries over and over again. “Are you hungry? Wanna eat?” Beomgyu asks, but of course the only answer he gets are screams. He ventures to the kitchen where he finds the prepped bottle Soobin had left on the counter before he left. 

He quickly mixes the formula and water, rushing back to the infant. “Here we are!” He sings, placing the nipple into Eunjae’s gaping mouth.

But instead of his ears finally hearing the sweet silence he prayed for, Eunjae continues to scream and cry, throwing his arms around as he pushes the bottle away. 

“Come on little dude, I know you’re hungry, just eat-” Beomgyu suddenly chokes. His nose is plugged with a strong, dense, thick, familiar scent: Shit.

“No,” He steps back, dropping the bottle to the ground. “No please! I can’t-” His words are caught in his throat as he begins to choke at the overwhelming smell of poop. 

“Help me!” He claws at his throat as he makes his escape outside to the balcony. He inhales the fresh air, gripping the railing for dear life. Inside Eunjae only cries for help. 

That had to be it. He had shit himself and was feeling uncomfortable.

“He loves to be clean,” You had joked to Beomgyu the last time he visited. “He always cries when he has a dirty diaper.” 

“I can't go back in there, I’ll die!” He tells himself. But Eunjae’s cries were so sad and impatient, his heart couldn't handle it. Plus his ears need a break.

With a sigh, Beomgyu pulls his shirt above his nose and dives back inside. He digs around the kitchen and finds a pair of cleaning gloves and even better a mask. He quickly puts them on, then picks up the diaper bomb he called his nephew from his bouncer. 

Beomgyu holds the sobbing Eunjae as far away as he can (not because he doesn’t love him, but because the stench was atrocious) as he speeds to the master bedroom, where the changing station was. 

He lays the baby down and mentally prepares himself for the worst. With his gloved hands he undoes Eunjae’s onesie, revealing a diaper so full of shit, it was about to burst at the seams.

“Oh my God,” He whispers to himself. Eunjae seems to have calmed down a bit, recognizing he was about to be cleaned.

Just as he’s about to undo the diaper, Beomgyu has a sudden realization: he doesn’t actually know how to change a diaper.

Every time Soobin or you would change your son, he looked away. Out of respect for Eunjae of course. He might be a baby but hey, balls are balls.

But Eunjae begins to whine again, and Beomgyu is reminded of his mission. So he grabs a wet wipe and carefully pulls back the tabs of the diaper.

The smell intensifies as soon as it’s out in the open. It fills his nose, running through his brain and he swears he can feel it enter his bloodstream.

Beomgyu almost pukes, he can feel it sit in his throat. But he swallows it down and blindly begins to wipe.

He goes through five wipes in three seconds, tossing them in the garbage pail right by the station. He’s practically emptied the entire bag by the time he finishes wiping Eunjae clean. 

“Okay, now for a new diaper,” He hypes himself up, walking through the process. It takes him a few seconds to learn how to open the diaper, and even longer to figure out which side is the front.

He’s looking at the two sides, flipping them back and forth when something wets his glove. “Huh?” Beomgyu looks up confused, then horrified.

Eunjae was peeing. Not only that, he was peeing at Beomgyu.

“AHHHHHHH!” Beomgyu screams as he barely dodges the fountain of piss aimed right at his face. He falls to the ground, shielding himself with his hands. 

His scream must have scared Eunjae, as he begins to cry again. But Beomgyu cannot offer him any comfort at the moment, as he also cries.

“What the hell happened? I was gone for 20 minutes!” Soobin asks exasperated, confused as to why his son was crying butt naked on the changing table, and even more confused why his best friend was laying on the floor in a fetus position.

“Soobin!” Beomgyu jumps up, clawing at his legs. He’s got actual tears in his eyes. “You said you’d be quick, where were you?!”

“They ran out of milk, so I had to go to the other store a bit farther down,” Soobin explains, pushing him off him, hurrying to put a fresh diaper on his son and soothe his cries.

“What happened? Why is it wet over here? And why are you wearing my gloves?” Soobin questions. Beomgyu mimics the hiccups of Eunjae, who also seems relieved to have his dad back home.

“H-He exploded man! Everywhere! Then he pissed on me and-” Beomgyu looks horrified, tearing up again. Soobin only sighs, running a hand through his hair. 

“Promise me you’ll never have kids.”

Taehyun didn’t realize he actually loved children until Soobin and you had Eunjae. It was a new discovery of his, and he loved every moment he got to spend with his nephew.

“He’s getting so big!” He says excitedly, poking at the eight month old little baby sitting on your lap. “The doctor said he’s really healthy compared to other babies his age.” You tell him.

“Ah! He just smiled at me! Oh my gosh,” He tickles Eunjae’s tummy, making the baby boy grin again.

You pet Eunjae’s hair, smiling. “Did Soobin tell you guys? He’s starting to crawl a little! He does this cute little army crawl across the floor,” You inform him. 

“Really? He’s growing up so fast,” Taehyun pouts. “Before we know it he’s gonna be a teenager who doesn’t even want to hang out with us anymore,”

You scoff, rolling your eyes. “That’s a bit far out, don’t you think?” Taehyun only shrugs, he knew it was far away, yet time was flying by so fast.

“Wanna hold him?” You ask suddenly, and Taehyun immediately nods, sitting beside you on the couch. You pass your son over to him, standing up after. 

“Do you mind watching him for a couple of minutes? I’m gonna go fold some laundry really quick and clean the kitchen.” Taehyun nods, not minding at all as you skip down the hall.

Eunjae wobbles around in his lap, tiny head turning around to look everywhere he can. Taehyun giggles to himself, spinning the infant around to face him. 

He begins to make funny faces, opening his mouth wide, blowing raspberries, winking at him. Eunjae seems to enjoy it all, only laughing and giggling as Taehyun entertains him. 

His little giggle is so cute, it brings pure joy to Taehyun’s heart. He can’t help but try to get the baby to laugh more and more.

Eventually he sets Eunjae down on the carpet, lying on his tummy. “Can you crawl for Uncle Tyun? Please?” He talks to Eunjae as if bartering with him was even an option.

The baby boy instead rolls over and begins to munch at his hands. Taehyun watches him lovingly, just enjoying the moment. 

“Is he doing okay?” You ask as you reenter the living room to check on them. “Yep, just chilling,” He gives you a thumbs up, and you head into the kitchen. He hears you begin to wash some dishes as he returns his attention to his nephew.

He begins to tickle Eunjae again, soliciting the cutest little chuckles from him. As the two bond, Taehyun gets an idea. 

He stands up, leans over to pick up Eunjae, holding him up to admire him. Then he begins to toss him into the air.

As a kid he remembered how much he loved it when his parents would toss him in the air, the thrill always made him laugh hysterically.

And just like he assumed, Eunjae begins to laugh. His smile wide as he looks at his uncle with pure happiness. Taehyun tosses him up over and over again, shouting as he is also enjoying the view.

“Uh, Taehyun?” You call from the kitchen. “Yeah?” He responds, still throwing and catching Eunjae around.

“You might want to be careful,” You say from the sink, looking over the counter attentively. “Don’t worry! I’m not gonna drop him,” He assures you. 

You shake your head. “I know you won’t, but Eunjae-” 

Before you can finish your sentence, Eunjae’s laughs are interrupted by the gurgling of vomit shooting out right onto Taehyun’s face.

The half digested milk drenches his hair, skin, and clothes. Taehyun freezes, still holding Eunjae high up. 

“Eunjae still has a sensitive stomach, he’s gonna puke if you shake him around.” You finish, face grimacing.

It’s safe to say Taehyun is no longer going to play rough with your son.

“Say bye to Mama and Papa! Uncle Jjunie is gonna steal you forever!” Yeonjun coos as he buckles up an excited Eunjae into his carseat.

“Don’t forget Uncle Hyuka!” Kai grins as he jumps into the backseat, sitting right next to the one year old.

“Drive carefully, and don’t forget the diaper bag,” Soobin hands over the bag to Yeonjun, who places it in the passenger seat.

“We’ll be fine! Right Kai?” His friend nods eagerly as he leans over to rustle Eunjae’s hair. “Mama loves you Eunjae,” You pressed a kiss to his little lips. “Be good to your uncles,” You squish his cheeks. 

“Mama bwye!” Eunjae smiles, making you laugh. “Have fun, kiss Papa too!” Soobin begs, and Eunjae leans over, lips puckered to place a kiss on his dad’s cheek.

“Send us photos!” You tell Yeonjun, who salutes obediently before hopping into the driver’s seat and pulling out of the parking garage.

“Ready to go get ice cream Eunjae? Uncle Jjunie’s treat!” He chuckles, peering into his rearview mirror to catch a glimpse of the baby.

“No!” He shouts enthusiastically. Kai laughs and Yeonjun playfully rolls his eyes. Soobin had informed them recently of Eunjae’s new favorite word: No. Even when he meant yes, he said no.

On the drive to the ice cream shop, the two grown men entertain the one year old by singing popular nursery rhymes and pointing out interesting things outside the window. 

“Eunjae, do you like Uncle Hyuka?” Kai asks. “No!” Eunjae laughs. Kai dramatically falls to the other side of the car, holding his heart tenderly. He pretends to cry in order to gain some sympathy from the toddler, but Eunjae just laughs harder.

“What about Uncle Jjunie? Do you like Uncle Jjunie?” Yeonjun asks curiously. Eunjae looks at him through the mirror, smiling cutely. “No!”

Yeonjun pouts, just as he parks the car. “Why? Uncle Jjunie and Uncle Hyuka are taking you to get ice cream,” He tries to reason with the baby.

“No!” Eunjae giggles, kicking his feet excitedly. “Do you like Papa and Mama?” Kai questions. “No,” Eunjae says, but he nods his head. It was obvious he was just saying the word No for fun.

“Let’s go inside, yeah?” Yeonjun unbuckles his seatbelt. “No, no!” Eunjae cheers, gesturing for Kai to help him out of his carseat.

On the street, they each hold one of Eunjae’s hands, bending over to accommodate for his height.

“Why did we go all the way downtown for this ice cream shop again? There’s one right by the apartment,” Kai frowns as he struggles to slow down for Eunjae’s careful steps.

“Bro, are you D-U-M-B?!” Yeonjun scowls at him. Kai pauses. “You can say the word, he’s only one,” 

“And when he repeats all the S-H-I-T we say to his parents, it’s gonna be us getting our A-S-S-E-S beat,” Yeonjun reminds him. 

“But have you not noticed? Girls love kids. Last week Soobin and I went to get lunch together with Eunjae, when Soobin went to the bathroom, five different girls came up to me and gave me their numbers!” Yeonjun brags. 

Kai looks suspicious. “Are you sure they weren’t just looking for a babysitting job?” Yeonjun waves him off. “No way, you just had to be there.”

Just then, two women passing by stop to wave at Eunjae. “Oh my gosh! He’s so cute!” He stares at them shyly. “He is, isn’t he?” Kai smiles. “Is he yours? You are such a good dad!” One of them suddenly compliments.

“Oh-” “And so handsome! You’re handsome like your daddy,” The other woman kneels down closer to Eunjae. Kai looks flustered. “Um, actually-” 

“Actually he’s mine, thank you so much.” Yeonjun smirks, running a hand through his hair.

“How cute!” The first one giggles, standing up again. “Thank you, you could say we’re practically twins,” Yeonjun lies, picking up Eunjae as if to show off the nonexistent resemblance.

“I’m Yeonjun by the way. We were just about to get some ice cream. Did you want to join us?” He asks smoothly. 

“Aww! I’m Jisu. This is my friend Yuna.” The first one introduces them. “That sounds like fun, I think we've got a couple of minutes to spare,” Yuna nods, letting the men lead the girls inside.

“I’m Kai, this little guy’s uncle,” Kai winks, making Yuna giggle. They find a free booth, Eunjae is so excited he can’t sit still as he is placed between Jisu and Yeonjun. 

“Kai, go order for us,” Yeonjun forces the younger man to the register. Kai tries to hide his annoyance, listening well and leaving the two alone with Eunjae. 

“So, are you guys just hanging out with this cutie today?” Yuna asks, politely asking Eunjae for a high five from across the table. 

“Yeah, you know, it’s hard being a single dad, but Kai helps me out every once in a while,” Yeonjun lies, pretending to sigh.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know his mom wasn’t in the picture.” Jisu apologizes. “You’re alright. This little guy is the light of my life,” Yeonjun brushes Eunjae’s hair.

“Mama no?” He looks up at Yeonjun confused. “Yeah, no Mama, isn’t that right Eunjae?” Yeonjun pouts. 

Jisu frowns, patting Eunjae’s head softly. “But you love your dad, right?” She asks, pointing to Yeonjun. 

Eunjae looks at Yeonjun, then back to Jisu. “No!” He shouts. Jisu looks stunned. “Haha! He’s in this weird phase where he says no to everything,” Yeonjun quickly explains.

“Oh, okay-” “No! No Papa!” Eunjae stands up, getting upset. “Papa no!” He shakes his head. Yeonjun laughs nervously. 

“What’re you doing son? Be nice, the pretty ladies are watching!” Yeonjun says through his teeth. “No! No! No!” Eunjae stops his little feet. Jisu is no longer smiling, eyeing Yeonjun suspiciously. 

“What’s going on?” Kai asks, walking back notably empty handed. “Where’s the ice cream?!” Yeonjun asks, trying to calm an angry Eunjae. “They said they could bring it to our table,” Kai answers, attempting to sit beside Yuna. She glares at him.

“No Papa! No!” Eunjae begins to push Yeonjun away, tearing up. “Hold on,” Jisu speaks up. “Eunjae, is this your daddy?” She points to Yeonjun, who is silently praying Eunjae says yes, he’d even take a nod.

“No! Papa no!” Eunjae furiously shakes his head. He suddenly begins to cry, the entire store is staring at them. 

“Shh! Eunjae shh!” Kai begins to panic. “You guys aren’t his family, aren’t you?” Yuna asks, getting up from the table. “No we are- I mean not actually- but his parents let us-” 

“Oh my God, you guys kidnapped this poor boy!” Jisu gasps, grabbing Eunjae and picking him protectively. 

“No we didn’t! We’re his uncles! Right, Eunjae?” Yeonjun drops the facade in order to save face. Both he and Kai look at the boy, begging for him to help.

“Eunjae,” Yuna speaks softly, wiping Eunjae’s tears. “Do you know these guys? Are they your uncles?”

Please Eunjae! Tell her the truth! Yeonjun is praying while Kai tries to make himself look as non threatening as possible, putting on a big smile. 

Eunjae stares for a few seconds, his eyes scanning over his desperate uncles who were painfully single, and turns back to the two women.

“No!”

“Hello?” 

“Soobin! Thank God you answered.” Yeonjun gasps.

“Yeonjun? What’s going on, are you guys coming home soon? Y/n and I are kind of worried, you and Kai haven’t been answering our texts.” 

“Uh, about that,” Yeonjun laughs awkwardly. “Do you actually think you can pick us up? I don’t have my phone” He hears Soobin stand through the line. “Why? What happened? Is Eunjae okay?”

“Yeah! Yeah he’s fine. I think he misses you guys.” Yeonjun assures him. “But uh, do you think you could hurry up?”

“What’s wrong? Where are they? Is Eunjae there?” Yeonjun hears you ask in the distance. You sound just as, if not more, worried than Soobin. 

“Where are you guys?” Soobin asks, he sounds like he’s putting on his shoes. Yeonjun gulps. “Uh, not too far,” He struggles to speak. He’s more scared of Soobin than of where he was right now.

“Yeonjun,” Soobin’s voice goes cold. “Where the hell are you guys and where is my son??”

“Eunjae is fine! I promise!” The older man’s promise does nothing to ease the tension. “Tell me right now!” Soobin shouts through the phone. “Fine! Fine,” Yeonjun groans.

“We’re… at the police station downtown,” Yeonjun confesses. He hears you scream in the background. 

“The police station?! What the hell Yeonjun?!! I leave you guys with my kid for two hours and-” 

“You’ve got one minute left on the phone,” The officer informs Yeonjun. Soobin and you obviously hear, as you start to scream even more now.

“Look! I’ll explain when you get here, but just know Kai and I did nothing wrong! Eunjae wouldn’t listen!” Yeonjun tries to defend himself.

The line goes quiet, and he begins to think that he’s run out of time. That is until Soobin growls into the mic. 

“Choi Yeonjun, I’m going to kill both you and Kai when I get there.” The line dies and Yeonjun swallows thickly as he hands the phone back to the officer. “What’d he say? Are they gonna come and save us?” Kai asks innocently.

Yeonjun ignores him and turns around. Sitting at an officer’s desk was a giggling Eunjae, right in between Jisu and Yuna. Yeonjun exhales, then takes a deep breath.

“I swear to God! I’m his uncle! He’s just a baby! No is the only word he knows!” He screams.

Eunjae looks at him from his seat and laughs. 

“Yes!”