#soobin angst

His audience erupted with cheers and pleads for another, Felix and Wonwoo sitting on the edge of the pool on the concrete clapping their hands– really, Felix holding Wonwoo’s wrists to clap his hands together amusingly fast, making the baby belly laugh.

Soobin, Taehyun, Kai, Beomgyu, this morning they tucked their beach belongings and Chan and Mina under their arms and ventured onto the sand to sit seaside and roast in the sun. Hovering behind Soobin while he helped Mina into her brand new purple bathing suit she picked out by herself, you hounded him with sunblock reminders and begs for the kids safety around the water.

Having not spoken to him directly since last night, sleep doing nothing to solve the grit under your skin whenever you looked at one another like he said it would, he refrained from throwing anything snarky your way, but his eyes held the proof. You didn’t need to tell him these things, he was capable, it annoyed him that you felt the need to remind him to take care of his children he’s had no prior trouble caring for.

Knowing you’d argue back knowing he needed no reminder, and that you were simply worried about this new experience, he said nothing, both of you aware of the fact that his only rebuttal would include Beomgyu.

Beomgyu who hadn’t been able to find appropriate medication yet.

Felix updated you after dinner, before bed. Hyunjin spent the rest of the day searching, asking, hunting, but had come up with nothing. It would all take too long, by the time they had an acceptable answer from any doctor he’s seen back home, insurance would fight. But, he assured you that they were still trying, and that they wouldn’t stop trying.

Soobin left you, with Mina in his arms and a kiss pressed to your cheek, promising to send you pictures and updates throughout the day, however long they would last on the sand. 

Last night you mumbled what Felix had told you to him through toothpaste and mouthwash before falling asleep on opposite sides of the bed wider than the one you shared back home. It didn’t seem to matter that you woke up in each other's arms, Soobin wrapped around you, your leg slung around his waist and your face buried in his chest. When you both stirred into consciousness, eyes heavy with sleep neither of you were used to, waking up an hour later than you should’ve, one look was shared before rolling away from one another.

He split to the beach, and you strapped Sunoo into his floatie and planted yourself in a lounge chair around the pool with a book you couldn’t get past the first few sentences of.

Felix sat in front of you with his legs in the pool. Wonwoo sat between his knees, his toes dipping into the water when he kicked his feet. Golden under the sun, in a white t-shirt and tiny little board shorts, sunglasses pushed his blonde hair backward off of his face, showcasing his freckles and radiant brown eyes. 

Giving you a glance over his shoulder, his smile was warm. “How you feeling?”

Taking in a breath, pointing your eyes toward Sunoo holding onto Hyunjin’s thumbs as he learned to kick his feet behind him while his cousin pulled him around the shallow end of the pool, you plastered a smile onto your face and sighed.

“Disrupted,” you muttered.

Felix pursed his pink lips and nodded, adjusting his hands to hold Wonwoo around his belly. “Fantastic ID,” he laughed when you shot him a glare, “Sorry, no therapy,” he said, twisting on the concrete, curling a knee under him to trap Wonwoo between. “I do mean it though, that’s a perfect way to describe… This.”

Holding up a finger, you scrunched it to wave at Wonwoo and make him giggle. “I’m worried about him,” you admitted, “Gyu. Not my fault, not my responsibility, I know, but… I want to stop feeling like the villain just because I care.”

Felix knitted his brows together. “You’re not the villain, Faden.”

“Tell that to Soob,” you said above a whisper, “We’re not speaking.”

Hyunjin sprung up in the water, gaining several inches as he stood up to full height. His long sleeved shirt clung to his broad body as he raked his black hair away from his face. “You’re kidding,” he said, reaching down for Sunoo who asked him to let him jump into the pool again. When he stood up, your son looked at you, wide eyed and curious.

“I don’t want him to hear this,” you said to Hyunjin with a nod of your chin toward Sunoo. 

Hyunjin turned away and lifted Sunoo out of the water, pretending as if you weren’t there. The go-to for shifting your kids attention. If Hyunjin didn’t pay attention to you and focused on Sunoo, but listened to you, you’d become mere background noise to your son.

“We can talk later,” Felix offered.

Watching Sunoo shout and throw his arms over his head as he backed away from the pool, you shook your head. “He’s tuned out,” you said, eyes flickering to Felix, “And, who knows when they’ll all come back. We… argued, yesterday,” you chose your words carefully, “About the Addy.”

Felix sighed, dropping his chin, disappointed.

Hyunjin, with a grin on his face, rating Sunoo’s cannonball a seven out of ten, picked your son back up to lift him out of the water and gave you a side eye. “I’m trying, does he know that?”

“I told him,” you shrugged, “I told him everything, and he said something about his safety, and moving #2’s stuff out of his suitcase so no one knew where it would be–”

Both Felix and Hyunjin whipped your way, anger in their brows.

“Whoa,” Hyunjin spat, opening his arms to catch Sunoo this time as he barreled forward, jumping off the concrete with a maniacal giggle.

Felix held up a hand, the one Wonwoo wasn’t chewing the middle finger of, toward his husband. “There’s a point, he may not have spoken it efficiently, but he’s triggered.”

You groaned, tipping your head back to lay down on the cushion. “How many times am I going to have to hear that word this week? For the rest of my life?” Lifting your head, you met Felix’s eyes that had softened. “I love you guys, but this is exhausting.”

Hyunjin thinned his lips and rolled his eyes, giving his thumbs back over to Sunoo who clung to them and kicked around the pool. “You get used to it.”

“Jinnie,” Felix almost pouted, a rare crack to his wise, pride ridden composure. His lashes fluttered, and his voice sunk into something sappy sweet, and a little sad. A brief reminder that no matter the dynamic, there was balance to a partnership. 

Popping his gaze over for a mere second, Hyunjin barely smiled. “Wanna split a Sprite later?”

Shoulders springing up to eat his ears, Felix blushed, squeezed his eyes shut and turned away, breathing through a laugh that Hyunjin mimicked and teased him with.

“You guys are kinky,” you said to Felix when his eyes opened, and his brows plummeted. “Everyone’s getting some but me.”

Aussie accent thick, Felix huffed, “He really means sharing a Sprite.”

Tilting your head, you sang, “Huh?”

“It’s a long story,” he smiled.

“It means I love him,” Hyunjin called out, splashing a hand in the water to fling it toward his husband, in turn making Wonwoo giggle as the droplets rained over them.

Felix teetered his head back and forth, drying Wonwoo’s forehead with a thumb, before smiling at you. “Yeah,” he confirmed, then narrowed his eyes. “Are you telling me you didn’t climb that man yesterday?”

Scoffing, you said, “No, I threatened his safety instead.”

“I knew you didn’t fuck,” Felix said, going through the previous evening in his head. He slapped a hand to his mouth when he realized what he’d said, snapping his neck toward Sunoo who couldn’t have given a second thought to what he’d heard, too immersed in trying to swim circles around Hyunjin. 

Snickering, Hyunjin looked up, shook his head, and said to you, “Sprite on his mind!”

Springing forward, throwing your hands up, you shouted, “I knew it!”

Yard erupting with laughter, pointless negations toward whatever the hell Sprite insinuated, amongst the noise that melded into Felix and Hyunjin bickering playfully while Sunoo splashed with Wonwoo, you would’ve missed Beomgyu wandering off the sand and into the house, like a ghost, quickly and quietly, without a glance toward the chatter around the pool. His cousins didn’t see him either.

Slipping off the lounge chair, tousling Felix’s hair as you passed by him, getting sprayed by Sunoo’s splashes, you uttered a quick, “I’ll be right back,” and escaped inside the silent house.

The rumble of their voices outside hit the windows and bounced back off, mere vibrations you couldn’t make out. Bare foot, in a black bathing suit that covered your middle, your chest sculpted in triangles, supported by the tie around the back of your neck, you shivered in the air conditioning. Wandering through the kitchen, reaching for a grape from a bowl in the middle of the counter, popping it between your teeth, you scanned the room and found no trace of him.

Twisting another grape off the vine, one small, rolling it between your fingers, you stepped through towering arches into neighboring rooms hoping he’d appear around each corner you turned with no luck. Tossing the grape into your mouth, cocking your chin back, the way it hit the roof of your mouth and landed on the back of your tongue made you stutter over your feet.

The urge to swallow.

The not giving two fucks about how big the thing was, just swallow it, you’ll feel better.

Chest tightening, belly sinking, you bit into the grape and chewed it properly, sucking down a breath deep into your lungs. 

That feeling.

Loss of control, a need to numb, disrupted.

Electricity sparked in your veins, a low frequency yet one powerful enough to shock you, sending the floor rearing out from under your feet. Limbs filling with air, body infected with cotton that soaked up every emotion, you couldn’t get another breath in without the space around your heart cramping.

Felix was outside, you could go to him.

Hyunjin, he suffered from panic attacks, you could go to him.

You were able to make out what you were feeling, they would tell you that that was a good thing, identifying your feelings–

A gasp ripped through you.

Your phone, outside by the pool, you could go get it and call Soobin.

Crouching down to the floor, knees wobbly, muscles heavy, you sat on the hardwood unsure of what room you were even in, and wrapped your arms around your legs. The tips of your fingers tingled, going numb, that sensation creeping up your arms, up your neck, to your lips that trembled, going numb, radiating pins and needles.

Rosie’s birthday.

The night of.

Mina, just over a month old.

Chan and Sunoo, almost three years old.

The dimly lit hallway on the second floor of Taehyun’s house in Avida, the one he bought to share with Sana, the two of you stood there, weasled yourselves into a corner, and fought. Mina, pressed to your chest, Taehyun, intoxicated and cornering you, you exchanged angry mumbles that were seconds from escalating into shouts.

Beomgyu was at that party.

He hadn’t met the twins yet.

He still hadn’t spoken to you.

Taehyun, you still loved him, still wanted to rip him away from Sana and the hell she’d been dragging him through.

Soobin, the one to come to your rescue, guiding you from the hall to the front door and into the car where he strapped your babies into their seats and you cried in the front seat, all the way home. He put the boys to bed and met you in Mina’s bedroom, cradling you into his arms after she went down after you fed her, but you pushed him away.

It still kills you that you pushed him away.

And you couldn’t breathe, and you couldn’t feel your fingers, and you shook like you hadn’t eaten in days, and when your feet hit the stairs and you made it into the kitchen and you found one of the bottles you and Soobin thought would be a good idea to keep in the house in the back of a cabinet where you might’ve forgotten about it–

You knew why he moved the pills out of his suitcase. 

Because you wanted nothing more than to find something to get you out of this right now.

And what scared you the most was that you didn’t care what it would be.

It lurked like a shadow, one that hadn’t swallowed you years 'cause you’ve been wrapped in complete utter sunshine, but you knew it was there. A resident thought in the back of your mind, one that rarely crossed paths with you, but you knew it was there. The knowledge that you could go anywhere else and get what you wanted, you had it pinned down, under complete control, but you knew it was there.

Everything used to be fine.

Everything used to be normal.

Ever since he came back…

“Fae?”

Arms wrapped around your shoulders from behind, engulfing you in warmth, your bare body shivering. His touch, his scent, his voice, you finally sucked down proper air.

“Breathe,” he whispered, squeezing you just enough, “I’ve got you.”

Eyes blurred with tears you shed, tears you weren’t sure when had started, you shook and fumbled to grab onto his arms to ground yourself. Leaning into you, slotting you between his knees, caging you in someplace safe, he pressed his cheek to yours over your shoulder and took slow, deep breaths, encouraging you to take them with him.

“Take your time,” he whispered, “You’re safe.” He rocked a bit, gently, slowly. “The kids are safe, I’m right here. We’re in Haos, Felix has Wonwoo in the pool, Sunoo is trying to teach him to swim.” 

Pressing your fingers into his forearms, you twisted your chin to look at him, and he smiled.

“Soob,” you whispered, broken with a sob, one that forced a deep breath out of you, his indicator that you were calming down. He smiled and held you tighter.

“Fae,” he whispered, resting his forehead on yours. “Can I take you upstairs?”

Answering with a nod, you pouted your lips and allowed him to pick you up off of the floor, not that you had control over your body. Wobbling on your feet, he held you up and took as small of steps as you needed him to, clinging to his cut off shirt with a tight fist around his back. 

Turning toward the archway, you glanced up from the floor and wanted to curl up into a ball all over again.

Beomgyu, with a football in his hands pressed to his stomach, eyes wide and full of sorrow, he stared. Unsure of how long he had been standing there, Soobin muttered something to him as you passed him by, something you couldn’t make out, and before you knew it, you were being swung into Soobin’s arms, off your feet so he could carry you up the stairs that belonged to the two of you and take you into your bedroom.

Placing you on the bed, he pressed a light kiss to the top of your head before stepping into the bathroom. Pulling your knees into your chest, assuming the position you had downstairs, you listened as he turned the water on, running a bath. Popping out of the doorway, gazing your way to check on you before doing anything else, the sight of his tousled beach hair and his pink cheeks calmed you further.

He didn’t have to speak, words weren’t needed.

Breaking his gaze to pull towels from the closet, he turned and glued his eyes on you before he disappeared into the bathroom. 

Letting your knees drop, your thighs resting over the edge of the bed and the tips of your toes touching the floor, you almost slid off the mattress to join him in the bathroom, but he wound up in front of you, keeping you on the bed.

His hands brushed over yours, over your wrists, up your arms, your shoulders, until they caressed your neck, gently pushing up into your hair, his thumbs grazing over your cheeks, beneath your lashes, drying your skin. Tilting your head back, your weight resting against him, with a soft smile he leaned in to touch the tip of his nose to yours, pecking a kiss in its place when he moved.

Holding your shoulders he helped you onto the floor and held your hand, letting you lead him into the steamy bathroom, the mirror extending over the entire wall over the double sinks in the marble counter tops half foggy already. 

Pressing the door shut, twisting the handle to keep it silent, Soobin faced you and brought both hands behind your neck, pulling at the string of your bathing suit. Eyes gentle, he gazed down at you as the top fell and the strings tickled your bare skin. Lifting your hands to tug it down, he took your wrists and placed them at your side, doing it himself.

Hooking his thumbs at your middle, he moved with all the time in the world and pulled your suit down, bending at the knees to help you step out of it. Looking up at you from the floor, his lips tipped up in that always smile, he smoothed his hands up your calves, your thighs, and he pulled you closer, closing the inches between you to press a kiss to your skin, just below your belly button.

His hair tickled, your body shivering at the feel combined with the heat of the room. Raking your fingers through his hair, tipping his head backward, his eyes glistening as he gazed upward, chin resting on your belly, you loosed a breath and felt your throat tighten. 

Your rock, your world, your husband, your children's father, your safe place, your sanctuary, your forever.

Without words the heavy air spoke for you, spoke for Soobin. Time tethered together, the countless years spent in shameless brutal honesty stepped forward and broke through the pathetic wall of glass you both tried to hide behind.

Dragging your fingers through his salty hair, you swallowed hard and whispered, “Stay with me?”

“Always.” Without missing a beat, he kissed your belly once more, lips fawning over the scars that carried his babies, and stood up, letting his hands slip over the curve of your ass before they slipped around your front and cupped your chin.

Tilting you back, towering over you, his lips perked up as your eyes fluttered shut and your mouth opened, lips parting with a sigh.

“Overdue, huh?” His voice low, gravely, it washed over you.

Peering up at him, doe eyed, you whispered, “Very.”

A heavy sigh fell through his lips. “Don’t look at me like that.”

You finally broke into a smile, one small, one soft. “Why?”

His eyes dropped to your lips. “‘Cause you said no more kids.”

“Give me one more,” you whispered, reaching for his shirt, pulling him against you. He breathed through a laugh, shaking his head. “Please?”

Ghosting your lips with his, teasing you not on purpose, he whispered, “Not while you feel like this.”

He had his fingers pressed into your neck, just under your jaw. Taking a deep breath, you blinked and nodded. This whole time, he’d been keeping tabs on your pulse.

“Need you to calm down,” he said, kissing your cheek. Stepping away from you briefly, he turned off the water and dipped his fingers into the tub that could double as a jacuzzi. “Perfect,” he mumbled.

You wrapped your arms around him from behind and he let you think you were strong enough to keep him from escaping. Grabbing the hem of his shirt you pulled it over his head, rising to your tiptoes to get it off of him. Throwing it to the floor, you drug your nails gently from his shoulders to the base of his spine, smiling proud at the chills that ran over his skin. 

Licking your lips, parting them, you pressed slow kisses to his bare skin as your fingers slid into the band of his bathing suit and worked it down his hips, over the insatiable curve of his ass, giving it a squeeze as the fabric hit the floor.

With a jolt, he grinned, looking down at you over his shoulder. “Enough, get in here,” he reprimanded with a laugh. 

Biting down on your bottom lip to feign innocence, you whispered, “You first.”

Obedient, he stepped into the bath and released a breath, stretching his head back as the warmth invited him in. Turning to face you, smiling at you as you ogled his body, devouring him with your gaze, he held out his hand for you to take and sunk down into the water. 

Pressing himself to a wall, pulling you over his lap, your legs wrapped around his waist. Shoulders and up exposed to the steamy air, you took a deep breath and settled on top of him, your chests meeting. Laying your head down on his shoulder you wrapped your arms around his back under the warm water and closed your eyes.

Breathing with him, deep inhales into your belly pushed through parted lips, he drug his fingers up and down your spine to keep time. Water rippled, the gentle sound soothing, simple white noise to focus on. 

You turned your chin a bit, catching his collarbone with your lips. Parting from his skin, the sound, the soft smack, made you both sigh. Kissing him again, in the crook of his neck, parting your lips to make love to his skin, he gripped your hips and hummed.

“Fae,” he took a wet hand to your cheek, pulling you back, “Can I apologize?”

Sliding your hands up his side, you brought them out of the water and around his neck, smushing yourself against him. “You don’t have to,” you said, toying with the damp hair at the nape of his neck.

Clenching his jaw, he admired you for a moment with a tilt of his head. “I do.”

“Then, I need to apologize too, I was out of line,” you shook your head, shivering as his hands drew up the sides of your belly to hold you around your back.

“I could’ve used better language,” he nodded, “You are my safety, Fae, I never want you to feel less than. I insinuated that you weren’t, and I don’t know how you can forgive me after something like that.”

His voice cracked.

He gulped.

“Soob,” you whispered, pressing wet hands to his cheeks.

He blinked generously, eyes darting everywhere. “I know exactly what was going through your head. Walking in there with you on the floor, I just…” His eyes glistened with tears that you brushed away to melt with the warmth of the bath. His arms around you tightened. “I never want you to feel that way ever again. Last time it happened, I told myself, no matter what I do, I’ll never let this happen again.” 

“It wasn’t your fault,” you whispered, toying with his hair, his cheeks, his lashes. “If this didn’t happen I wouldn’t understand why you said what you said, or why you moved Chan’s meds.” 

Meeting his eyes, a shared understanding between you, he took in a breath and held it for a few seconds before releasing it with ease.

“I didn’t move them,” he whispered, hooking his hands over your shoulders as your face fell. “I mean it when I say that I trust you, Faden.”

“You didn’t move them?”

He shook his head once. “They’re in my suitcase. You… Did you… want to use? Downstairs?”

Pinching his cheeks without force, you pursed your lips, whispering, “It… was a thought, but there was no plan.” 

Soobin blinked a few more times and steadied his breath. Slipping his hands up your neck, dampening your skin to hold you in place to look at him, he raised his brows and asked with care, “What do you want me to do?”

Pulling your lips between your teeth, you’re torn. Incompetence stood over your shoulder, Unreliable laughed at you from the corner, Disloyal swung a ticking pocket watch from the shadows.

“Faden,” he said, voice stronger than the three fates awaiting your demise, overpowering them, “Tell me.”

“Move them,” you said quickly, and he nodded immediately.

“Done,” he smiled, “Thank you for being honest.”

Squeezing his cheeks, you said, “Thank you for being such a rule follower.”

Laughing at the words you spat his way yesterday, he adjusted where he sat, jostling the water and you on his lap. Dipping forward, he caught your lips in the smallest kiss and whispered against them, “Proud to be your rule follower.”

Giggling, leaning in to kiss him again, you whispered, “Do you hear that?”

Pressing your foreheads together, chasing your lips, his eyes fluttered as he whispered, “Hear what?”

Neither of you needed an answer, you both knew the answer.

Molding together in a heated kiss, a mess of hungry lips and greedy tongues, you pressed yourselves together, an attempt to become one. Suffocated by the steam in the air, skin dewy no matter if it touched the water, you yearned to melt into him. Gripping him under his chin, you pinned him back against the tub, your belly pooling with desire as he smiled, dazed already, letting you have your way with him.

Kissing down his jaw to his neck, over his pulse point you nipped your teeth, satisfied with how he writhed. Parting your lips, a heavy kiss, you sucked harshly at the delicate skin and he moaned, disarming you, your belly clenching, your skin awashed with a deeper heat. Out of instinct you covered his mouth, and he laughed.

“What are you doing?” Your whisper was rushed, doused with a bit of shame.

Tugging your hand away, he flashed you his toothy grin. “Forget what that feels like?”

“Feels like? How about sounds like,” you breathed. 

Popping a brow, his grin settled into a smirk. Moving in a flash, he caught your lips in a kiss, his tongue pressing between your teeth as he dipped his hands into the water and spread your knees further apart. One hand slid to grip your ass, while the other slipped between your thighs without giving you a second to think twice. Dragging two fingers through your folds, pressing at your center, he twisted them over your clit and snickered into your gasp.

Clinging to him, your lips sharing nothing but air, you laced your fingers in his hair and pulled, your noses squished. Pleasure poured into you, from the bottom up, your body tensing, muscles tightening as the feeling grew. Eyes screwing shut, every breath getting shorter and shorter with every moan you swallowed, Soobin stilled his fingers.

Heaving a breath, you looked at him, confused, pulling back to ease your heart rate that had skyrocketed too fast.

Tongue poking out, he licked his lips, his eyes hooded and lustridden already.

Both of you, two easily worked up, horny messes, not having had a decent fuck in so long.

It’d become stereotypical married couple with multiple kids status as of late, for months before this vacation, and even then, the moments you’d share weren’t fulfilling, just a way to get off easy before collapsing into bed exhausted, hoping to recharge before the day began all over again. A quickie in the shower before tiny fists pounded at your locked bedroom door, heated moments cut short by the baby’s cry, an almost walked in on incident– you’ve both been edged for ages.

You can’t recall the last time your souls had the time to connect. 

“I wanna hear you,” he breathed, his lower register tickling your skin. 

Your eyes widened. “They’ll all hear me.”

“No, they won’t,” he pushed his hips up, his cock hard, pressing to your belly, “Fuck, I want you.”

Your lips parted with a gasp, your walls clenched around nothing.

He laid his head back with a lazy smirk. “Miss that? Forget what this mouth sounds like?”

Jaw agape, you shifted on his lap to sit on his dick, grinding against him. Propping yourself up on his shoulders for balance, your tits peeking out of the water, dripping onto his chest, he groaned and bucked his hips, the tip of his cock pressing against your clit. Finally a whine escaped you, and his brows furrowed. 

“Yes,” he sighed, thrusting for more friction, “Let me hear you, please?” Gripping your hips, guiding your movement, he picked up his head and buried his face in your tits, searing kisses to your skin, pulling your nipples between his lips, littering your chest with marks that would turn a deep purple by the time you were finished.

Another whine slipped out of you, the more he toyed with you the more your inhibitions lowered. Entirely his, your body under his control, your pleasure handed over to him, his cock battering your clit, his tongue grazing over a sensitive bud while he grabbed handfuls of the other, the vibration of his moans against your skin twisting with the sound of heavy breath and the lapping of the water, his only goal being to push you over the edge, always his motive, to get you to fall apart–

“Soobin!” Your whine echoed off the marble walls.

His head fell backward in your arms, his laugh ending with a groan. “Awh, fuck me, there she is. Cock isn’t even in you, baby, you gon’ cum without it?”

You brought a hand to his throat and pressed, shutting him up. His eyes rolled as they fluttered shut and your body shook. He tried to laugh, he knew he could get you to cum like this, and he’d be able to do it fast, it’s not like it hasn’t happened before.

In his back seat making out after a date, in Jin and Joy’s living room after they’d retired to bed for the night, with his foot under a blanket on opposite sides of the couch watching a movie at Kai’s… 

Mouth open with a forgotten breath, he stuck out his tongue and moaned as you drug yours over it, swallowing him with a nasty kiss. Tongues dancing, parted lips smiling, chests heaving, you reached under the water and wrapped a hand around his length, heavy, hard, long, perfect.

Wincing, he tipped backward and sighed, his brows squeezing in the middle. “Don’t,” he breathed on manual, gazing up at you, “I can’t.”

Pressing him against you, rocking your hips, his cock sliding through your folds, you pursed your lips and flipped your brows with a drama worthy whimper to trigger him on purpose. “If you do you can fuck me later.”

Soobin huffed, his smirk returning along with the grip on your hips. Sitting forward, his nose pressing to your cheek, he maneuvered himself out of your hands and picked you up, situating you over his tip. “Gonna fuck you now and later.” Wrapping your hands around the back of his neck, you leaned into him and released, a shift he could feel. He muttered against your cheek, “Need– Want my fingers?”

“Wanna be full,” you whispered, breathless, moving so your forehead rested over his, “Stretch me open, fill me up, fuck me full.”

His tip caught your entrance, and you both sighed, noises muddled together. Easing up his grip, he let go of you some and sat you down. Closing your eyes, he hummed. “Look at me. Don’t you dare not fucking look at me, open your damn eyes.”

A whimper caught in your throat as you listened to him, blinking open to his dark brown eyes. Barely half of his cock inside of you, his size overwhelming, your eyes watered, your senses on overload. 

He knit a hand in your hair, soaking you, holding you up, keeping you against him as he lowered you more, the desperation pouring between your lips fueling his fire. Baring his teeth after a kiss pressed to your pouted, parted lips, he whined, “Big stretch, good girl, oh fuck.”

Clinging to him, lungs tight, air knocked out of you, you whispered, “Soob… So big,” and dropped your forehead to his shoulder. 

Pushing up into you, reveling in your whimper, he picked you up by your cheeks, squishing them. His nose brushed yours. Taking you in, all of you, how your eyes had glazed over and your breath pushed through your lips in tiny whines, he smiled and pouted, dragging his thumbs under your lashes.

“Pretty baby,” he cooed, gripping your chin with one hand, pressing his fingers and his thumb to your cheeks, taking his other down your body to grip the curve of your ass. “Stuffed so full she can’t think right,” he huffed, jutting his chin forward to nip at your bottom lip, “What’s my name, baby?”

After a slow blink and a swallow, your lips curved into a smile, your tongue poking out. “Daddy.” 

“Good girl,” he breathed, snaking his other hand to hold you by your hips, bouncing you on him ever so slightly, “Always take me so well.” 

Kissing your cheek, poking out his tongue to catch your lips, he pressed you down, his cock spearing through you, your moan making him shudder. Tipping back with a guttural groan, he flipped you over, holding you up, your legs wrapping around his waist tight.

“Don’t want you to worry,” he mumbled between kisses and short thrusts up into you, “Don’t want you to think about anything.” Releasing a breath with you, he smiled. “Let me take care of you, baby, let go.”

The sun had begun to set.

Curving around the staircase, dipping below arches to tiptoe to the backdoor, peering out to the fire pit that crackled and your family that sat around it– one, two, three… four… Oh, thank god.

Hands pressed to your middle, you took a deep breath, hoping to push out the guilt that began to simmer beneath your skin. Glancing into the kitchen, pots and pans drying next to the sink, plates stacked under a cabinet, silverware cleaned and ready to be put away, you tipped your head and whined.

“Hey,” Soobin breathed, smoothing his strong hands over your shoulders, pressing a kiss to your temple. Pulling you against him, he slid his arms around your front and tucked you into his chest, admiring the scene through the glass doors. “Everyone’s okay.”

“What did we do?” Leaning your head back on his shoulder, you blinked up at him and he smiled.

Sliding his fingers over your throat, he dipped down to kiss your cheek. “Made some love.”

“Ew,” you whispered, lips pulling into a small smile.

He rolled his eyes. “Ew? Are you sixteen?”

Turning in his arms, wrapping yours around his shoulders, you rose to your toes and kissed him properly. “No,” you whispered with a giggle. Dragging your fingers up into his freshly washed hair, the ends still wet like yours, you grazed your nose over his and took a long, deep breath.

Soobin, his hands taking to your waist, couldn’t take his eyes off of you. “I love you.”

Your belly dropped, your cheeks warmed, your knees would’ve buckled if he wasn’t holding onto you. “I love you,” you whispered, gaze flickering to his lips. 

He slid his hands up your body, over his shirt that you wore, and grabbed palmfuls of your cheeks, tipping your chin backward. Putty in his hands, allowing him to still put you where he wants you, you smiled. 

“Fae,” he whispered, eyes going wide, brows tipping over, “I love you.”

Pliant, chest rolling against his, you whispered, “I lo–”

“Mama!”

Wonwoo.

Whirling around, palms pressing to the glass, you found him and gasped. “Baby!”

Standing on Felix’s lap, his little hands wrapped around his thumbs for balance, he bounced his knees and giggled aloud. Chan and Sunoo were occupied on the ground beside Beomgyu, the three of them poking marshmallows onto sticks while Mina lounged on Taehyun’s lap, her thumb in her mouth. Kai and Hyunjin leaned in toward one another, deep in conversation, the fire illuminating all of them in painted oranges and warmth. 

“Let’s go sit by–”

Facing him and his tiny smile, deep brown eyes watching you in awe, you released a sigh and flung your arms over his chest, toppling over into him. “I’m sorry, oh my god,” you babbled, reaching for his face, his cheeks, his hair, anything, “Soob, I love you, oh my god, oh my god.”

He cracked a laugh, tucking your wet hair behind your ears. “Honored to be in second when it comes to our kids.”

“You’re not,” you breathed, trying to occupy the same space as him, stepping up onto his feet to grow an inch taller. Kissing the corner of his lips, kissing his cheek, tightening your arms around his neck, you whispered, “You’re not. You never will be. You’re number one, always.” 

“That’s not a bad thing,” he said, looking down at you, “To come second. To them.”

Gripping fistfuls of his shirt, you pouted. “You’re first,” you whispered, nodding your head in tiny, “You’re first. Always. No matter who’s in question… It’s you.”

He narrowed his eyes. “You want to get your hands on that baby, though.”

Collapsing against his chest, you sighed and whined, “I do! I miss him!”

Soobin, standing you up against your will with a grin on his face, turned you around and nudged you toward the door, reaching for the handle to pull it open to the gorgeous nighttime summer air. The woosh of the slide alerted the yard you were on your way, and Wonwoo shrieked. 

“Ma! Maaa!” He jumped on Felix’s lap, the Aussie putting him on his feet in the grass the second you hit the patio. Bolting toward you, his little hands in front of him, his cheeks squished from his smile, you called out his name and hurried toward him, meeting in the middle, scooping him up in your arms. Pressing kisses to his cheek, your heart swelling as he giggled, you tucked him into your elbow and snuggled him. 

Mina lifted her head, her sleepy eyes and pink cheeks curious. Teetering on Taehyun’s lap to get a better look, the moment she spotted Soobin she pouted and whined, holding her arms up, a plea for him to take her. Effortless, he whisked her away, a kiss pressed to her cheek before she cozied up against his chest and he sank into one of the chairs around the firepit. 

Taehyun, child-free, stretched his legs out in front of him and reached a hand to his right to grab onto Kai’s wrist. Letting him do what he wanted, twist his hand around, tangle his fingers with his, yank his arm closer to his chair, Kai didn’t look up from his conversation with Hyunjin, no matter how Taehyun messed with him. 

Rounding the chairs around the back, Wonwoo humming into your shirt happily, you passed by Felix who leaned backward to speak outside of the circle, but he didn’t say a word. Perking a subtle brow, his pink lips curved into a smile and his freckles danced, more prominent now that he’s had a full day in the sun.

“Thanks,” you said above a whisper, placing a hand over Wonwoo’s hair, a small gesture that made Felix coo.

“He’s a sweetheart,” he sang, reaching out to gently pinch the baby’s toes, smiling when he smiled back at him. “You guys okay?”

Lifting your gaze toward Soobin in his chair whispering to Mina, pointing at the fire, listening intently as she asked him questions, you nodded, sending a smile toward Felix who returned it. “Very.”

“Thank god,” he muttered. Nodding at Wonwoo, he said, “This one can put it away, yanno? Sat with Hyunjin at dinner, wanted to try everything.” 

Twisting slightly, conditioned to rock him back and forth while he sat in your arms, you breathed through a laugh. “Seems about right, I should’ve warned everyone,” you shared a laugh, “His doctor says he’s gonna be big. Bigger than his brothers, big like his daddy.” Wonwoo picked up his head to smile at you before dropping back down to your chest, burying his face in your neck. “Oh, are we sleepy?”

Felix tilted his head to take a peek at his smushed face, his lips pouting. “He swam so much, Faden, he lasted longer than Sunoo. Little guy has got stamina.”

Patting his bottom, you shook your head, believing him. “Future athlete.”

“Yeah, you think so?” Felix asked, eyes bright.

With a sure nod you bounced Wonwoo. “We know so.”

“Swimming? Running?”

Smiling, you narrowed your eyes and whispered, “Baseball.”

Felix twisted in his chair, intrigued. “Really!”

“Tomorrow we’ll get him to show you how he throws,” you said, dipping your chin to brush it over his soft hair, “And swing the bat, it’s impressive. Couple weeks ago, Soobin had him in the yard, throwing the ball to him, and he hit it five times in a row.”

Felix’s eyes went wild. “What?”

“Not just like a tap either, like, it went far,” you laughed. “I gave birth to a prodigy. When he runs to the base it’s so funny though, he’ll–”

“I said I want it!”

Chan's voice carried through the yard. Turning, you watched as he snatched the bag of marshmallows from Sunoo and almost hit him with a hand he threw in front of him. Beomgyu grabbed his wrist before it could make contact, dad reflexes.

Sunoo pulled at the bottom of his t-shirt and shouted, “You always say that!” 

“Sun,” Beomgyu said, calm as ever, a slight grit in his tone.

Chan tore himself away from his father and shouted his whine. “I want it, I wanna do it! You had it too long!”

“We share,” Sunoo held up his hands like a shrug.

“No,” Chan shouted, throwing the bag of marshmallows to the ground, “You’re bigger, you get it all, I want it, you’re mean, I hate you!”

“Chan,” Soobin’s stern tone did nothing to minimize the situation, if anything it made it worse.

Throwing his hands up, screaming again, stomping his feet, Chan dug his hands into his hair and wailed, pulling at it, hurting himself.

Beomgyu moved in a flash. Scooping Chan up into his arms, holding him tight against his chest, the boy sprawled sideways, he hurried into the house. Heart pounding between your lungs, handing Wonwoo over to Felix, your vision tunneled, and you ran.

That he’s never done before.

Chan, pulling his hair, making himself cry, hurting himself.

Catching the door before it slid shut, you sucked down a breath and sprinted after Beomgyu. Sobs filled the tall ceilings, Chan screaming, and from what you could see from behind his fathers broad shoulders, he thrashed in his arms, trying to push Beomgyu away, kicking his feet to hurt him.

“Gyu,” you pushed through your lips, trailing up the main stairs behind him. He was fast, his legs long, you could barely keep up. “Beomgyu!”

Turning over his shoulder, he shot you a wild look, one that meant be quiet. 

Throat tightening, lungs contracting, you gulped and nodded, shadowing him in silence. Your heart thundered and tears brimmed your eyes. 

Following him around the dimly lit hall and into his bedroom, you paused briefly at the doorway, remembering what happened here yesterday. Beomgyu, curled in a ball underneath the window, sobbing hysterically, unable to catch his breath, screaming at you to leave, to leave him alone, to go away. The way it felt to sit down in front of him, to try to calm him down, reflecting a plethora of memories from the past, mirroring one where he admitted he loved you.

On a curb, in front of his brother's house, after he punched a hole in his wall.

Overwhelmed to the point of explosion, to the point of hurting himself, ‘cause he didn’t want to punch a hole in Jungkook’s wall, he wanted to have peace, and no one was listening to him– until you took his side. 

Your brain filtered through everything you’ve learned, everything doctors have told you, every pointless mommy blog full of advice you’d never think you’d need.

Dysregulation.

Beomgyu, all his life, dysregulated.

Taking a deep breath, inflating your lungs to calm yourself, you stepped into his bedroom and pressed your hands to your belly. Awaiting instruction, though he had this under complete control, you lingered, and watched, studied, and listened.

Circling you to shut his door after placing Chan on his bed, he breezed around you and knelt at the edge of his mattress, his knees pressing into the floor. Holding onto his son’s ankles, he applied a pressure to keep him still. Throwing himself around, crying so loud it pierced your ears, Chan planted his hands on his bare legs and dug his nails against his skin. Beomgyu reacted quickly, prying them away, using one hand to hold both of his wrists to his belly.

“Chan,” he said softly, and the boy didn’t listen. You weren’t sure he could even hear him. “Chan, Daddy’s right here, can you listen to me?”

Nothing.

Beomgyu gulped, you could see it. Rounding his bed, crouching down by his side, your elbows brushing, he met your wide, terrified eyes for a second and clenched his jaw. 

“Mama’s here too,” you said gently, copying Beomgyu’s tone, following his lead. His small nod of approval sent a spark through your chest. “Chan, baby, take a breath.” Reaching out for Chan’s arm, Beomgyu had no hands left to stop you.

“No,” he whispered, apologizing with his twisted brows, seeing how your heart shattered all over your face. “In a minute,” he nodded, “Talk to him.”

Following orders, you twisted to face the bed and shook your head. A tear slipped down your cheek, your voice giving no indication that you were in fact, crying. “Chan, deep breath, you can do it… Mama and Daddy are here for you.”

Beomgyu’s eyes shut, his jaw still clenched. He rocked, bumping into you while Chan tried to throw himself around, unable to move much with how his father held onto him. One hand on his wrists over his belly, the other on his ankles. 

It appeared utterly barbaric though it wasn’t.

He wasn’t hurting him, he held onto him so he couldn’t hurt himself, or Beomgyu, or you.

Burying your face in your hands, a sob wracked through you. 

“Fae,” Beomgyu said, steady as ever, “Breathe. He’s okay. He’s calming down.”

Peeking out from over your fingers, Beomgyu gave you a nod and a small, comforting smile. “Chan,” you breathed after a sniffle, tearing your eyes off of his father, “Breathe, please.”

And he somewhat listened.

The breath was small, but his cries went quiet for a split second. 

His muscles relaxed, Beomgyu stopped rocking, and when he let Chan go, your son took his hands to his eyes to rub at them, not to grab his hair, or worse. 

“Oh, thank god,” you gasped, the words barely audible. Leaning sideways into Beomgyu, grabbing a handful of his shirt, your face pressing to his shoulder, you shook him gently and sucked down the shakiest breath. 

He put an arm around you, his hand barely touching your shoulder. “Do me a favor?”

Picking your head up, your teary eyes inches from his, you whispered, “Anything.”

He didn’t look at you. He couldn’t look at you. Taking his hand off of you, he pointed toward his suitcase and the bags next to it. “The grey blanket, in the blue bag, can you grab it?”

Chan worked through his cries, hands pressed to his eyes, his sobs striking you in the gut, the heart. Scrambling to your feet, tearing through Beomgyu’s stuff, you reached the bottom of the blue bag and pulled out the blanket, heavy and soft. 

Sniffling, you questioned, “This weighted?”

Beomgyu, pulling Chan’s shorts off of him, nodded. “Yeah,” he sighed, sitting on the edge of the bed beside his son, working his shirt over his head at the pace Chan would allow. He hadn’t said anything yet, just cried, his sobs calming down into a consistent whine that worked its way into a hum he repeated. “It should help.”

“You use this?” You sat down on the bed, handing the blanket over to Beomgyu after he lifted Chan up and laid him on the pillows. 

Unfolding it, moving it around, double checking the tag had been cut off, he laid it over his son and smiled as Chan grabbed onto it and rolled onto his side. He wrapped himself up, curling into himself, his knees tucking into his chest, his hums softening.

“Not if it’s a thousand degrees,” Beomgyu answered you, shifting toward you to give Chan space. Popping his brows, he shot you a look and said, “That thing’ll make you sweat.”

You wanted to laugh, all you could manage was a smile. “I bet.” 

Your gaze fell upon your son, not sleeping, but calm. Quiet. His eyes fluttered shut as his breathing evened out. A stark difference from minutes before, a shift that happened impossibly fast.

Pressing a hand over your heart that raced, you tried to take a deep breath, but it fell short. “Beomgyu,” you whispered.

He turned, his brows flatlining.

“Beomgyu,” you repeated, shaking your head, your lips parting with a thousand things you could say, a thousand things you could ask, but didn’t know how to. 

The bed dipped. Warmth enveloped you at your side. Pulling you into him, both of his arms wrapped around you. Legs tucked under him, he let you fall into his lap, your face buried in his chest, laying over his heart. Grasping fistfuls of his shirt, you slid your hands around his back and held onto him tight. Chest sturdy, back strong, a completely different man than the one you hugged a year ago– You cried.

His hands smoothed over your back, soothing you, his cheek resting over your hair, his body molding against you. Eyes on your son, both of you, that rare feeling crept up within you, and you knew he felt it too. Amidst all emotion, the very obvious fact apparent, but not one dwelled on… He was yours.

You and Beomgyu.

Chan was yours.

Too easy it was to get wrapped up in the facade of playing house when several other bodies roamed around to play parent, guardian, father figure. Too easy it was to forget that several years ago you rolled around his sheets, happily, content. Too easy it was to forget that you were supposed to forget, and move on.

But, he was yours.

Both of them.

Chan and Sunoo.

A matter of laughter and disbelief, that to top it all off, after everything this godforsaken timeline had given you, Beomgyu gave you twins.

You and Beomgyu, made twins.

A giggle escaped you.

“You okay?” Beomgyu asked quietly, looking down at you.

Lifting your head, closer to him than you should be, you blinked through tears and laughed again. “What are we doing?”

He creased his brows. “What do you mean?”

Sitting up, you wiped your cheeks and shook your head, disappointed at how he pulled his hands back. “We had kids, Gyu.” Confused, a laugh still came out of him. “Me and you, we had kids. If you told me, at twenty, that we’d be here, right here, I’d laugh in your fucking face.”

“I think I would too,” he admitted, rolling his eyes.

Tossing a hand toward him, tapping his chest, curling your fingers around the fabric, you grinned and groaned, tossing your head backward. “You were so fucking adament about not having any, do you remember that? You said never.”

He screwed up his face and held in a whine, squeezing his eyes shut. “I did, I did. I remember.” Looking at you, he shrugged. “Look at what happened to me, you really think I should’ve had kids?”

They weren’t supposed to hurt, his words, but they did. Letting your gaze fall over Chan and his soft lashes splayed over his cheeks, you bit down on your lip.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he whispered, scooting closer to you, reaching for your hand, intertwining it with his. Glancing down at it, your fingers flexed around his. “Look at me,” and when you listened, he smiled, “I wouldn’t change this… for anything. I’ve said this to you before, Faden. They saved my life. You saved my life, without you there is no them.”

Holding onto him, your other hand laying over his where he held you, you shut your eyes and shook your head. “Gyu,” you whispered, and he hummed his response. Opening your eyes, a tear slipping, you looked at Chan. “I can’t do this without you.” His eyes softened, his shoulders relaxed. Sniffling, you blinked up at him. “How did you… I mean, I know, but you just… I need you.” A breath overtook him. “We need you.”

“Faden,” he whispered, but you cut him off.

“No, hang on,” you sat forward and he jerked away slightly, “Listen to me. Before we got on the plane, before we even left the house, the things I said to you… That I have my hands full because of you, implying that because of you I feel like, I dunno, a stressed out mess, I guess–”

“Well,” he shrugged, “You weren’t wrong, this is ‘cause of me.”

“But, it wasn’t right,” you sighed, “None of it. You’re needed here, they need you. You’re their daddy, Gyu, you have to stay with them, stay with us.”

One of his hands took to your cheek, his grip strong, disarming you. Eyebrows nestled over his forehead, he studied you, then asked, “Where do you think I’m going?”

Touching you, Beomgyu touching you, holding you where he maybe shouldn’t. Fingers on cheek, fingers on face, hand on face, palm on skin, bare skin, but it’s your face, it’s okay, as long as his thumb doesn’t do anything, like that thing, it should be okay, it’s just Beomgyu, it’s not like you’d want to lean in and like, maybe kiss him, no, ‘cause you can’t, it’s Beomgyu, it’s just Beomgyu, it’s just Beomgyu!

You pushed him away.

Tucking his hands into his lap, sitting up straight, focusing on his son, he released a breath.

Thrusting your hair off your face, from your shoulders, you twisted to face Chan. “Just want you to know that you’re wanted, okay? Your boys love you.”

Beomgyu gulped, blinking a trillion times before whispering, “And, you?”

Your heart sank. “They love me too.”

“Fae,” he whispered, exasperated, slouching, desperate.

Peeking at him through your peripherals, cursing yourself for how your stomach twisted and your body quite literally betrayed you, heat rising beneath your skin tumultuously, you rolled off of his bed and pressed your bare feet to the hardwood.

Running your hands over your face, you gestured toward Chan, met Beomgyu’s insatiable gaze for all of three seconds, and asked, “Is he okay to stay here?”

“Faden–”

Holding up a hand, shaking your head, you looked anywhere else but at him. “I need some water, and need to… go.”

He stood up as you hurried for the door. “You’re worried about me going, leaving, so you’re gonna go?”

Twisting the handle, you shot him a look, the most hushed whisper falling from your lips. “I’m married.”

Throwing his hands up, tossing his head back, he scoffed. “I know, you guys were fucking all day.”

You left the door. Storming over to him, you almost pushed him by his shoulders. “Don’t do that to me.”

Rolling his eyes, he teased, “Just doesn’t seem like the right thing to do after a panic attack, but what do I know?”

“A panic attack,” you scoffed, crossing your arms.

Leaning into you, he spat, “Yeah!”

“That’s what that’s called?”

Beomgyu glanced around for his sanity. “Faden,” he said with his eyes wide, holding up a finger, “Are you serious right now?”

His lips curled, his pink, full, delicious lips. The biceps in his shirt sleeves, they tensed. His puppy eyes, they were wired, but still him. You couldn’t say anything to negate him.

“Are you okay?” Genuine.

“Yes.” Lie.

“You were on the floor, Fae.”

“I’m fine.”

“I didn’t like what I saw.”

“You could’ve done something.”

He huffed, throwing his head back with a groan. “You said it yourself, you’re married.”

Your whisper was so soft, you’re surprised he heard it. “Then why do I want you?”

Snapping into place, jaw squared, eyes pointed, he glared, and just behind it, curiosity. “Get out,” he muttered, shaking his head. 

“Gyu–”

He walked around you for the door. “Get out,” he repeated.

Pushing your hands into your thighs, you tipped your chin back, whispering, “Why?”

“Because…” He sucked in a breath, groaning, dragging a hand over his face, pulling at his lips, unable to look at you, but also not able to not look at you. “One of us has gotta have a conscience.”

Disbelief struck you across the face, your gasp just as lewd. “Beomgyu.”

“I can’t believe you said that to me,” he muttered with another shake of his head. 

Eyes narrowing, you stepped up to his side, watching in real time how his skin crawled with the itch, your itch, the very reason why it was too easy to get under one another's skin. “You feel it too. Don’t forget how well I know you. Don’t crucify me just ‘cause I grew the balls to admit it.”

He dipped his chin down. “Married.”

“And yet here I am, telling you all of this,” you shrugged.

Stepping back, he grinned. “You’re unreal,” he pinned a hand on his hip, “This is so unfair,” he shook his head, the only thing he seemed to know how to do at the moment, “No, no– It’s cruel.” Facing you, erasing the space between your bodies, he got in your face, nose to nose, teeth bared. “I come here, for you, for our kids, to be here for our kids, like you say you want me to be, like I want to be, and this is what you do to me? Say that you want me, and I know what you mean– you want me to fuck you– but, your husband is outside with your kids.”

“You know where it all takes me? Hearing you say this? Feeling it over this past year, since I’ve been finally feeling like a normal fucking person? You know what I want to do?” He took a breath, but you held yours. “It makes me want to go back. The guilt of wanting you, of pining after you, watching you live your super awesome life with your husband and your kids… It makes me wonder why the hell I ever tried to do this.” Glancing behind you, at his son, he clenched his jaw. “I’m here for them. Chan and Sunoo. Don’t ever tell me any of this shit again, I don’t want you to be the reason behind my first relapse.”

“Funny,” you whispered, eyes locked on his, the same anger burning within them. “When I was on the floor… My panic attack?” He didn’t move. “I thought you were gonna be the reason behind mine.”

“Today?” 

“Today.”

“Faden.”

You nudged him out of the way. “Let me go.”

He stepped in front of you, his foot blocking the door from opening. “No, talk to me.”

“You can’t handle that,” you breathed, pushing him again.

“Says who?”

Jumping back, you threw up out a hand. “Says the meds I know you didn’t take today ‘cause you don’t have any, says the year of sobriety that is entirely too easy to break, says the feelings you have for me but will never admit, to this day, Beomgyu, to this day!”

Staring, his eyes heavy, filled with a depth you haven’t seen in a long, long time, he said, “That’s a goddamn lie.”

Blinking up at him, through your teeth, you said, “Is it.”

“Yes,” he stamped with a snap of his jaw. “I love you.” Your knees buckled. “How many times do you need to hear me say it?” Pressing a hand to his chest, he said it again. “I love you. Since twenty fucking years old, Faden, I have loved you. For well over ten years, I have loved you. How else do you want me to say it? What the hell does he say in that fuckass movie? I burn, I pine, I perish, is that what you want?”

Holding back tears, jaw tensing, you shook your head and tried to keep your breath steady.

Beomgyu slapped his hands to his thighs. “Then what do you want?” You didn’t move. He sighed. “What do you want?” Leaning into you, holding both of his hands up, pressing them together, he lowered his voice significantly. “Get out.”

Voice cracking, tears pouring, you held out a hand to grab him. “I love you too.”

For three seconds he gazed at you, and for three seconds he was yours. Then, he shook you off of him and yanked open the door. “Get out.” Your heart reached for Chan. Turning, Beomgyu cut you off with an, “I got him.”

Without another word, you left. The moment your feet passed the threshold, he shut the door. Shutting you out. Stomach roiling with nausea, you wiped your cheeks clean, dabbed your eyes, and started down the hall, wrapping around a corner, your system shocked all over again.

Soobin stood against the wall, leaning into it with Mina fast asleep over his shoulder, a beautiful sight if not for the scowl on his face. How much of that did he…

“Soob?” You took a step closer.

Without a word, he turned, disappearing into Mina’s bedroom.

And, for the second night in a row, you fell asleep on opposite sides of the bed.

Your fingers dug into your temples.

Strolling down concrete, passing by stores Kai kept pointing out, admiring their style and how they could inspire Peace Made back home, you adjusted your sunglasses on your nose and heaved a sigh. Taehyun, between the two of you, pushing Wonwoo’s stroller, gave you a look.

“You gonna tell us what’s up your ass, or what?”

Kai, cut off mid-sentence of his curtain thought, elbowed his boyfriend. “Gross? Don’t talk to her like that.”

“You should hear what she says to me!” Springing up straight, shorter than Kai, Taehyun elbowed him back. 

Slowing down, pissing off the tourists on the concrete behind you, not minding their grunts of disrespect, you tipped your head back and pointed up at a sign that indicated the store you stood in front of sold coffee. “Anyone?”

The second Kai glanced up, he gasped, “Please.”

Escaping off the crowded streets of Haos, Taehyun pushing Wonwoo next to a table you and Kai sat down at, your brother approached the counter on his own, shoving his hands in his pockets for his wallet.

Kai, holding out his hand for Wonwoo to high five, gave you a curious look. “Where’d everyone end up today?” The couple took their time coming out of their room this morning, having disappeared last night when you rejoined Felix and Hyunjin around the fire. Their turn, you supposed.

Slipping your sunglasses off, giving them to Wonwoo to study, you sat back in your chair and crossed your legs, the linen of your pants brushing. “Soob is on the beach with Mina, and Hyunjin and Felix have the boys.”

Raising a sharp brow beneath his black curls, he asked, “Beomgyu?”

You answered with a shrug. “Dunno.”

“Does someone know?” Kai tilted his head.

Glancing at Taehyun, waiting patiently for your drinks at the counter, you laughed. “Probably him.”

“If there’s something you don’t want him to know, tell me before he comes back,” Kai leaned forward, concern written on his face.

With another shrug you acknowledged Wonwoo holding up your glasses with a smile, and said, “I tell Taehyhun everything.” 

“Last night with Chan,” he said, taking your glasses from Wonwoo who offered them up to Kai, “How did everything go? He okay?” Sliding the frames on his beautifully crafted nose, he gave Wonwoo a cheesy smile that made him giggle.

“Oh, those are so not for you,” Taehyun mumbled, placing three cups on the table, three iced drinks, and popped a chocolate chip cookie in front of Wonwoo. Kai tilted backward and cocked his head. Taehyun laughed, snatching the frames off his face. “Not you.”

Sliding into the chair beside his boyfriend, sliding your glasses over the table, he took a sip from his straw and bounced his eyes between you and Kai. “What’d I miss?”

“Where’s Gyu today?” Sitting forward, you propped your elbows on the edge of the wood. 

Taehyun swallowed his coffee and rolled his eyes. “I never liked playing this game.”

Kai, with an arm around the back of Taehyun’s chair, gave him a glare. “Tell her.”

Eyes narrowing, your brother snapped, “You’re talking a lot of shit today when last night I let you–”

“Tae,” you sighed, wrapping your hands around your cup.

“Baby,” he whined, slouching. “I don’t know, last I heard he was gonna stay with Hyunjin, but I don’t know.”

The door to the coffee shop jingled when it opened, teenyboppers in bikinis and flip flops coming in by the truckload, ordering cups of sugar topped with whipped cream. Whenever the bell chimed, Wonwoo peered up, pointing at it, Kai giving him a happy gasp every time.

“We fought,” you breathed, shaking your head, taking a sip of your coffee. “Last night, after Chan crashed.”

Taehyun held up a hand. “How’s Chan?” 

Kai entertained Wonwoo, but listened.

“He’s okay,” you nodded. “He got up like normal this morning, he ate, he spoke to us like he was fine, he took his meds, and he seemed very excited to spend the day with his cousins.”

They both waited for more. Taehyun offered a quiet, “But?”

Through a sigh, you muttered, “But, that was… way different than anything he’s done before. Gyu knew exactly what to do, and I… watched. It was scary, sitting there, watching him… scream, and not know why he’s screaming. He was…” 

Tears pooled in your eyes.

Taehyun stretched a hand across the table for you to take, and you squeezed it.

“He was hurting himself,” you whispered, and they both frowned, their eyes soft. “It’s like what…”

“Gyu used to do,” Taehyun finished for you. Sharing a knowing look with him, your years of Beomgyu doing things to himself seemingly by accident, he shrugged. “It’s impulsive, it’s not by choice, it’s the urge, the sudden rush of anger.”

“I know you have a diagnosis, but have you and Soobin had him tested for autism?” Kai asked, quietly, laying a hand on Taehyun’s shoulder where it wrapped around him. 

“Evaluated?” Taehyun corrected him, shooting him a glare.

Kai lifted his other hand and slapped it to the table. “I’m trying.”

“Try harder,” Taehyun huffed.

Looking at you, his brows skyrocketing, Kai shook his head. “This guy.”

Rolling your eyes, you let loose a soft laugh. “Trust me, I know.”

“And, why just Soobin and Faden?” Taehyun asked, sitting back, twisting to face his boyfriend. “Why not Beomgyu, too? He can’t be a part of this?”

Dumbfounded, Kai vigorously shook his head, his eyes wide. “Why are you fighting with me? What did I do?”

Taehyun pressed a fist into the table. “Why didn’t you shower with me last night?”

Lips parting, you laughed to yourself and sipped your drink, peeking over at Wonwoo who was pressing his pointer finger into the chocolate chips of his cookie, tedious work for a two year old, he’d sleep well later.

“I asked you if you wanted me to, you said I could stay in bed if I wanted to,” Kai counteracted, glancing over his shoulder at the next hoard of people stepping into the coffee shop. 

The door jingled. Wonwoo looked up and pointed at it.

“And, then you did,” Taehyun scoffed, taking an annoyed gulp of his coffee. “And, to make matters worse,” he twisted forward, pointing a finger toward you, “He showered the second I got out and grabbed a towel.”

Darting your eyes between them, you shook your head.

“You asked me if I wanted to shower, I wasn’t ready to get up, maybe I wanted to lay with you for a little bit, huh?” Kai flung a hand around.

Taehyun, unamused, turned his chin. “You wanted to shower when I got out, so you don’t wanna see me naked?”

“Don’t wanna see you… T, are you for real? You wanna remember where the hickeys on your hips came from?” Kai pushed his chair back some, pressing his hands to his knees. “I’m sorry. You can be pissed about that, but I can’t be pissed over the fact that I wanted you to stay in bed?”

Taehyun turned to you.

As did Kai.

Flattening both hands on the table, you rolled your shoulders back. “You’re both fighting over nothing. Fuck later, shower together, and then sleep for as long as your gay hearts desire. Beomgyu told me he loved me last night, and I said it back.”

Coffee nearly splattered across the table.

Taehyun, flinging his hands out in front of him, his cup almost toppled over. Kai, taking a sip of his, almost spit it out everywhere.

Before they could exclaim a word, or shout anything, you added, “It gets worse.” Their stares hardened. Plastering a smile on your lips, you laughed at yourself. “Soobin heard it all.”

“Damn,” Kai sighed, “You guys had a great day yesterday, too.”

Taehyun popped his brows and gulped. “Did you guys get to talk about it?”

Cupping your hands under your chin, sweetening your smile, you tilted your head side to side. “Nope,” you faked a laugh, “He’s been ignoring me since last night.” Both boys sat backward with a sigh. “I don’t know if I’m going home to a divorce, or what, he won’t give me anything.”

Kai chewed the inside of his lip, you could see it. Staring down at the table, he took a deep breath before he said, “Soobin always said he’d never do that.” Looking at him in question, you and Taehyun both, he continued. “Get a divorce,” he nodded. “He always said that when he gets married, it’s because he knows she’s the one. His parents divorced when he was young,” Kai thought to himself, then frowned, “Around the twins' age. He was always adamant that his first marriage would be his only marriage, and that divorce wasn’t an option.”

Sliding your hands over your face, you released a breath. “He had no idea that first marriage was going to be me.” 

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” Taehyun kicked your ankles under the table.

Tossing your hands aside, you scoffed. “Look at what I did. You told me, Tae, you said I should talk to Soobin about it, and I didn’t, and now I’m in this mess.”

Kai furrowed his brows, looking at his boyfriend. “You knew?”

Taehyun pursed his lips and shrugged an apology.

That nausea that settled within you last night came back. Eyes pointed at Kai, Soobin’s longest friend, his best friend, the only other person who knew your husband inside and out, you wanted to crawl inside of the straw of your coffee and live there forever. Wonwoo would come too, of course.

“Why did I just say that to you?” Whispering, you grabbed your cheeks and shook your head. Squeezing your eyes shut, as if it would hide you from him, you said, “I keep saying things I shouldn’t say.”

“You’re saying the right things to the wrong people,” Kai said gently, reaching a hand out for you to take. Tilting back with a sigh, you dropped your hands and held onto his. Lashes brushing his cheekbones, he smiled. “If I know anything about Soobin, it’s that he loves you. Bad. It’s sickening.”

Taehyun curled his lip and rolled his eyes, sipping his coffee. “Sickening.”

Kicking him under the table, you smiled as he yelped. Wonwoo giggled, his uncle sticking his tongue out at him.

“Don’t teach him that,” you teased, kicking him again. Jumping back, he grabbed his knee and squealed with a mouthful of cold brew. “Exactly.”

Swallowing, reaching into his pocket for his cell phone that buzzed, giving you the nastiest look you’ve ever been on the receiving end of– it made you laugh– he glanced down at the lit up screen and any and all emotion wiped from his face. Grabbing Kai by the sleeve, his fist tight, he twisted in his chair, gave his boyfriend a glimpse of the name, then leapt up from his seat and wandered toward the door.

Answering with a frantic swipe, he pressed the phone to his ear and almost gasped, “Minho! Hey buddy…” He stepped outside, leaving you to wonder how the end of that phone call went down.

Pulling a napkin from the holder in the center of the table, you dabbed it on your tongue and wiped at Wonwoo’s chocolate covered cheeks. Pursing his lips, blinking big brown eyes up at you, his fathers, he broke into a cheesy smile, his tiny baby teeth on display. 

“Mama,” he sang, then babbled some more, incoherently, his words almost words. They were words when he tried, chatting wasn’t his favorite pastime. “Dada?” Sitting back, admiring his clean cheeks, you sighed and gave Kai a look. “Dada? Dada?” Wonwoo wiggled in his seat, you and Kai both giggling at him. “Mama, Dada, Baby,” he sang.

Gasping before positively losing your mind, you and Kai both, you scrambled for your phone and swiped to the camera. “Again! Again! Mama, Dada, Baby!” You wiggled like he did, and he laughed.

Pressing his hands to his cheeks, he squished them and said, “Mama, Dada, Baby!”

Kai slid down in his seat, his hands over his belly as he howled. Slapping a hand to the table, sucking down a deep breath, he shook his head and sighed, “Damn, you make some cute kids.”

“The cutest,” you breathed, putting the video in a message to Soobin, hitting send without typing anything else. Laying your phone face down, you sat your chin in your hands again and eyed Taehyun outside the window, lingering by the curb, babbling away. Kai followed your gaze. “He’ll be okay, right?”

“He will be,” he said. “The… settling into divorced life has been hard, but he’s okay. He’s better,” he nodded, looking at you, “You know that better than anyone. He’s much better.”

Taehyun laughed, rows of perfect teeth bared for the world to admire. His eyes crinkled in the corners, the way they did at seventeen. Dragging a hand through his dark hair, he grabbed a handful of the locks as he spoke to his son, and released slowly, leaning backwards a bit as a thought passed over his pure olive skin, his gaze smoothing out toward the beach. Sliding his bottom lip between his teeth, your heart did the thing, and you smiled.

“You and Soobin are brave for getting into this mess,” you whispered.

Kai breathed through a laugh and drug a hand over his chin. Looking you dead in the eye, he smiled and winked. “Who’s to say we aren’t adding to it?”

The kitchen buzzed with life, a seemingly normal night.

Felix and Hyunjin hopped from counter to counter, mixing, pouring, slicing, dicing, arranging, throwing together a dinner fit for the small army under this roof. An activity they much preferred to do together, and only together. 

They moved like magnets trying to stick together, dodging one another with a perfect precision, not an elbow bumped or an ankle tripped, though you caught a few sneaky kisses shared. Hyunjin paused once to talk to his son, Jeonghan, on the phone, holding it Felix’s ear while he stirred a bowl, and Felix paused once to hold a glass of Sprite up to Hyunjin’s lips for him to take a sip while he worked a knife.

After situating a half asleep Wonwoo on a couch in the living room for a nap, leaving him surrounded by pillows, Kai throwing a few on the floor in front of the sofa as well even though your two year old was perfectly capable of climbing right over them, you joined everyone in the kitchen and offered your help.

You were turned down.

Chan and Sunoo galloped about, running circles around the hardwood, their bare feet slapping against the wood in a hurried pitter patter, one of your favorite sounds. Chan, in just his shorts, chased Sunoo, in his perfectly put together outfit, both of them shouting one another's names and laughing. Sitting around the table with Kai and Taehyun, sipping from a bottle of water, you pressed your eyes open wide with a shout as the twins passed you, grabbed onto you, shook you, then hurried away.

“My god, was this all day?” Asking the general area, Hyunjin was the first one to look up with his eyes crossed, squinting one of them. He made you laugh, but you cackled when Felix whacked his bicep with the greasy spatula. 

“They were angels,” Felix demanded. 

Hyunjin’s expression softened. “They were perfect actually,” he said, tucking strands of long black hair behind his ear, “They look out for each other.”

“Their favorite thing to do,” you said, smiling as they ran around the table again, disappearing into the living room Wonwoo snoozed in. You shouted, “Don’t touch the baby!”, and their giggles echoed through the air. Giving a look to Felix, receiving one in return, you asked, “What’d he say?”

Focusing down on his cooking, he said, “Not much. I don’t think he remembers? Either that, or he doesn’t know how to talk about it yet. I know he can identify his emotions, and how strong they are, but there was something about this time that just… I dunno,” he admitted, his eyes solemn, “And, I’m sorry.”

“Please,” you breathed, “No apologies needed. If he can’t talk about it, that’s okay, for now. He doesn’t remember?” 

Felix shifted on his feet, thinking. “Body language. I want to say that he does, because when I asked him, that shyness came over him, vaguely, you know the one I’m talking about,” you nodded and he nodded, you both knew, “Not acknowledging it just tells me that he doesn’t want to talk about it, at least with me. I wonder if you or Beomgyu tried, if you’d get something different.”

At the mention of his name, both Kai and Taehyun whirled their heads in your direction. Your mouth went dry. Felix and Hyunjin slowed, coming to a pause, studying the table.

“Share with the class,” Hyunjin said, breaking the silence. Felix whacked him with the spatula again. “Lix! I just changed!”

“Their business, nosey,” he mumbled. 

Hyunjin’s brow straightened, his hands smoothing over his long sleeves. “So, legally, I’m–”

Felix cut him off, reaching around the back of his head to pull him in for a kiss, and it shut him up. Hyunjin didn’t even try to fight him off, he succumbed, and when Felix pulled away, not even looking at Hyunjin, he went back to cooking, leaving Hyunjin frozen, his gaze glued to his husband.

“Where is Beomgyu?”

Your question had all eyes on you once again, and then within seconds, not a soul faced your direction. Not even the twins ran through and grabbed you.

Felix, his back to you, Hyunjin beside him, said, “I think he’s on the beach.”

Tilting your head, you furrowed your brows and hummed before asking, “Isn’t my husband… on the beach?”

Felix, with a pot in his hand and his lips tucked between his teeth, turned and quipped a high pitch, “Yep!” He wouldn’t look at you.

Exchanging a crazy look with Taehyun, you asked, “Has Beomgyu been there with him all day?”

Hyunjin answered this time, a breathy, “Yes,” after a measly sigh.

You and Taehyun never moved faster, and you both had the sneak skill to move faster. Chairs pushing out, flying behind you, clattering as they were thrust back in toward the table, Kai jumping and holding up his hands like he had to worry about a crisis he wasn’t prepared for– You pressed a hand to Taehyun’s chest as you both bolted for the backdoor.

“I’ll go,” you said, and he grit his teeth.

“Fae, what if he…”

You shook your head. “He’s different. He wouldn’t. He has no reason to.” The twins breezed by, their hands pressing to the countertops, rising to their tiptoes to ask Felix and Hyunjin what they were making. Taking a deep breath, you smiled. “He wouldn’t do that to them.”

After a few seconds of bathing in the kid's laughter, he nodded. “Okay. Go.”

“Go sit with Kai,” you whispered.

On cue, Kai held his hands in the air, grabby hands. “C’mere.”

Warmth disappearing from in front of you, Taehyun trudged over to his boyfriend and sunk onto his lap, wrapping his arms around his shoulders. Giving him a sweet kiss, the two speaking to one another with their lashes, you smiled and peered over to your kids. 

Sunoo, on his tip toes, pointing at the different foods asking Felix for clarification, and Chan, the tip of his finger in his mouth and his eyes on his uncles. With the slightest tilt of his head, he looked up at Hyunjin and Felix who stood side by side, and he lowered his eyebrows ever so slightly as Hyunjin swung an arm around Felix and pulled him closer, pressing the smallest kiss to his temple before turning around to the stove.

You watched an active thought form behind his brown eyes, and you gulped, preparing yourself for the midnight meltdown come seven years you’d be absolutely ready for.

Sunoo, smart, calculated Sunoo… There was no telling where his path would lead him, but you’d be there for him no matter the circumstances. 

Turning to the door, you held up a hand to catch Taehyun’s attention and pointed toward the living room, asking him to keep an ear out for Wonwoo. The couple took that as an invitation to go sit in there with him, and sure enough, a few steps behind them, Chan followed, curious.

No one left to manage, you relished in the happy sounds of the kitchen for a few seconds, and then stepped out onto the porch into the summer air. 

Sand between his toes, sun beating down his back, sweaty hair sticking to his neck, Beomgyu sat forward, elbows on his knees exposed to the air, and he ran his fingers through his hair, pushing it back. Clasping his hands to his cheeks, his lips squishing, he pointed his eyes at Mina barely two feet away from them, digging in the sand, singing to herself.

He could compare her to you. An ease about the child, but a dire need to have what she wanted when she asked for it. Soobin proved it one too many times, doting on her, having her get away with whine after whine.

He bet you did the same, and knows you got away with it.

Taehyun never let you have your way.

And neither did Beomgyu.

“I want to hear it,” Soobin said, sitting back in his chair, extending his legs in front of him. Beomgyu, confused, tilted his head. Soobin smirked. “You look like Chan.”

“What do you wanna hear?” 

The tension had subsided some. An hour into this interaction Beomgyu finally felt his shoulders relax. 

Soobin, bobbing his head, focusing on his daughter, said, “Your side of the story. With her. From the start. I want the entire timeline, and I want you to give it to me straight. Don’t bullshit me to save my feelings, you can’t trigger me with any kind of talk, if I could crack a cold one open with you and clink ‘em together I would, but…”

Beomgyu sat up straight. Pushing a breath out of his lungs at the same time as he shook his head, he sat back like Soobin and groaned. “Well, that’s how it started,” he muttered, giving Soobin a small gesture of his hand tipping a drink back. 

Listening intently, Soobin pressed his lips together and gave him a knowing nod.

And for another hour time passed by with ease. 

“Yeah, you remember Yeonjun!” Beomgyu shouted, on the edge of his seat, throwing a hand toward Soobin who slathered sunscreen on Mina’s pink cheeks while she smiled at Beomgyu.

“How can I forget that?” Soobin half sneered, half snickered. Sliding his thumbs over Mina’s cheekbones, he pulled her in, pressed a kiss to her forehead to make her giggle, then sent her away with a nudge between her shoulder blades. 

Beomgyu sighed, his grin melting into something softer. Narrowing his eyes at Mina flipping a sand filled bucket upside down, he said, “You know he’s got a kid now, too.”

“No way,” Soobin mumbled, the look he gave Beomgyu, a worried one. “Where’s he been?”

“Honestly couldn’t tell you,” he shrugged. “He literally disappeared.”

“How do you know he’s got a kid?”

“My brother still talks to his brother,” he muttered, clasping his hands together between his knees.

Soobin nodded in thought, his eyebrows cinching together as he watched Mina. “Well, let’s just hope he’s got help and that that kid is somewhere safe.”

His heart tweaked, Beomgyu’s. The thought of Yeonjun with a child, a weird one, but one deep down he could see. Blinking in the sun, thinking about the fact that no one around him knew Yeonjun like he did, he kept his thought to himself and let time pass.

Another hour.

“You could’ve come to the party, you were invited,” Soobin sat forward now, smacking one hand against the other. “She invited you. She wanted you there.”

Beomgyu, pacing behind his chair, dug his hands through his hair and pulled. “Did you want me there?”

“Faden did!” 

Beomgyu raised his voice, “Did you!?” Gulping when Mina spun around, he released a breath. “I’m talking to you, we’re talking to each other, this isn’t about her right now, we’ve already worked this out. Did you want me there?”

Soobin bit down on his bottom lip and pointed his eyes at the water crashing onto the shore. “No.” Throwing his head back with a laugh, Beomgyu was quick to ready something to throw back, but Soobin cut him off. “She was hurt, she was confused, she was driving herself insane over the fact that she hurt me, I didn’t want you there ‘cause that would’ve made it all worse. Taehyun barely spoke to her while he was there, he texted you the entire time.”

“Because I cared!” Beomgyu shouted.

“Not enough to show up,” Soobin grumbled. 

Freezing in place, he scoffed. “If I came, no one would’ve liked me. Faden, you, Taehyun, no one. The boys?”

“They wouldn’t remember,” Soobin snapped, cold as ice.

Beomgyu shook his head. “You asked for this, don’t turn into a dick.”

Soobin whipped toward him. “You told my wife that you love her, and she said it back to you. I have every right to be a dick, you two have done this once to me before, I will not allow it to happen again, or so help me god, those kids are mine.”

Calming himself with a deep breath, Beomgyu considered the option and cocked his head aside. “They’d be better off if they were.”

“No,” Soobin clicked his tongue, palming his forehead, “I didn’t mean…” Releasing a sigh, he gestured to the chair beside him. “Sit down, I’m sorry.”

“I get it,” Beomgyu listened, plopping down in his seat, “You have every right to hate me, I think I’d be weirded out if you weren’t pissed off. We fucked up, big time. I knew she was with you, I shouldn’t have,” stopping abruptly, he stared down at his hands, “But, I…”

“Loved her,” Soobin finished, smiling at Mina who showed off her sand castle. Beomgyu shot her a thumbs up. “I get it,” they exchanged a look, “What it’s like to love her, I get it.”

Beomgyu frowned, his voice soft. “You know she doesn’t love me like she loves you.”

Soobin screwed his face up, laying his head back on his chair. Releasing a long, shaking breath, his fingers tensing on the armrests, he shook his head. “Listen,” he started, gathering his thoughts, “When Taehyun came back, I thought it was going to go to shit. I thought she’d fall back into that easy codependency, the trauma they endured together, that they inflicted upon each other, and I’d lose her.”

He looked at Beomgyu.

“I didn’t,” he said with a shrug. “Then I realized that it could’ve been because she became focused on finding you. I told myself it was for the boys, because of the boys, and that day that I finally met you, I just… The look on her face.” Beomgyu clenched his jaw and shook his head, but Soobin cracked a laugh and nodded. “It was supposed to be you.”

“No,” Beomgyu breathed, quickly, repeating himself, “No. It wasn’t, don’t do that, don’t do that to yourself, Soobin, I swear to god, what is it with you two?”

Soobin laughed again. “I’m just letting you know you’ve got her wrapped around your finger, man. I just can’t bring myself to step aside.”

“Then don’t,” Beomgyu shouted, lurching forward in his seat. Throwing his hands up, he shouted, “I don’t want you to do that, and you know damn well she does not want you to do that!”

A slow shake of his head, eyes glazing over the water, focusing on Mina focused on her project. “You’re building a mansion, Meens!”

The four year old grinned, bounding up to her father, jumping onto his lap, covering him in sand. “It’s gonna be huge!”

Another hour passed.

A quiet hour.

Deep breaths exchanged, a video of Wonwoo received from you to make Soobin smile, snacks shared with Mina, a break to help her with her sand castle— Soobin, not Beomgyu, no way in hell he was getting down on the sand, his feet were enough, the sun curved toward late afternoon.

Mina snoozed on her beach towel between their chairs, shaded by the umbrella staked in the sand. Soobin, covering her with his, sat back and folded his hands over his chest, letting his own eyes flutter shut. 

Beomgyu crunched his toes in the sand and laid backward, gazing up toward the clouds floating in the pure blue sky that’d been stained with yellows and oranges in the ready to set sun. Air calmer, rage simmered, he muttered, “I was extremely jealous of you.”

Soobin turned his head, keeping himself laid down.

“I still am,” Beomgyu whispered.

“Why?” Soobin huffed.

Beomgyu lifted his head, his shock evident. “You have Faden, bro.”

“And she’s in love with somebody else.”

Rolling his eyes, Beomgyu said, “She’s in love with you dipshit, she just loves me. She says I love you to Taehyun, and to Kai, even Hyunjin hears it, this isn’t any different.”

“You don’t need to convince me,” Soobin said softly, sitting up. “It’s different when it comes to you, I can feel it.”

Head lolling backward, Beomgyu rubbed his eyes and slouched. “This happened with Taehyun,” he mumbled, and Soobin nearly snapped his neck with how fast he looked at him. Beomgyu laughed, shrugging his shoulders in defeat. “This exact moment, holy shit. You sounded just like him.”

“Ew,” Soobin said with a punch. After a second of quiet, he uttered, “Tell me.”

“Right before they broke up, or sometime before, that summer, or something,” the timeline tangled in his head, Soobin narrowed his eyes, “I’m sorry, it was forever ago, that whole summer is… blurry, that’s when my mom got sick and it just…” His voice trailed off as he watched Soobin’s eyes soften. Shaking the matter away, Beomgyu said, “I tried to help them, to help her. She wanted him so bad, and he was being such an asshole–”

“Are we surprised?” Soobin added, and finally, they both laughed.

“Not at all,” Beomgyu popped his brows, “Tae’s the king of the assholes. He’d been treating her like shit, and he just wouldn’t break up with her, he thought he couldn’t do it, so he did everything he could to push her away, avoidant asshole, and I had to hear it both, from both sides. He pushed us together, or he tried. I told him everything. What Faden and I did, what we continued to do, how she wasn’t telling him anything, how she played the same game he did.”

“How come you never gave in?” Soobin asked. “To her?”

Beomgyu gulped, bobbing his head. “I knew she deserved better.”

Soobin blinked, glancing away.

“She deserved better, and that wasn’t me, or Taehyun,” he said. “He told me, straight up, that I could have her, that her feelings were allegedly stronger for me even though I could see how messed up she was over him. I could have her, she’d leave him if I said something, she’d leave him if I told her how I felt, if I told her what I wanted.”

“What did you want?”

Beomgyu shook his head. “Not this,” he whispered, giving Soobin a frown, “Not sitting on the beach next to her husband trying to prove to him that I do not want to get in between them. Definitely not the last ten years of my life, losing her, not being around for the birth of my children, the fucking accident, the fucking rehab…”

“She had nothing to do with any of that,” Soobin said, almost stern enough to turn the conversation back into an argument.

Squeezing his eyes shut, Beomgyu whispered, “I know.” Looking at him, he said, “I did that, I’ve owned up to it, Soobin, you know that’s why I am here. Because I regret it. Because I love her, not because I am in love with her.”

Jaw clenching, Soobin released a heavy, sharp breath. “I still don’t believe you. Either of you. I heard what you both said.”

“What that I wanna fuck her?” 

Soobin sat forward, rage becoming him. Checking that his daughter still slept, he shot daggers across the sand. “Watch your mouth, that’s my fucking wife.”

Beomgyu didn’t move, but his lips tipped upward, that lazy smile melting onto his face. “She said it too.”

Soobin almost launched himself onto his feet.

“Relax,” Beomgyu breathed, gazing out over the water, “I was the one who kicked her out. I’m pissed off she said it, pissed off she said it to me and in that context. You wanna know what I really think?” Tilting his head to look at Soobin who sat beside him red hot, he said without an answer, “I think this whole thing with Chan has her screwed up.”

“It does,” Soobin whispered, his entire being softening, calming. 

“I also think that she gets the wires crossed in her head when it comes to the kids,” he offered. “It’s been you and her for all this time, and here I come, stepping into fatherhood, taking your place when it comes to the twins, it’s almost like the feelings she has for you become feelings for me when I’m parenting next to her instead of you.”

“Damn,” Soobin sang under his breath, his smile growing. “So, he’s fathered Sunoo too, who woulda thought?” Giving him a look, Beomgyu snickered. “That was extremely introspective.”

Beomguyu smiled. “I have no idea what that means.”

“It’s your son,” he nodded, “Your first born. Emotionally intelligent, you can rationalize thoughts, or pick them apart, find reason.”

Narrowing his eyes, Beomgyu said, “I think I just think too much.”

“That too,” Soobin said with a nod, sharing a laugh with him. After a breath, he said, “I think what you said… There’s some truth there.” With a hum to continue, Beomgyu eyed him curiously. “She’s very empathetic, but sometimes she doesn’t know what to do with it all. She’ll also project, meaning she’ll take how she feels about something and put it onto something else, or someone else. If she gets frustrated with the kids, most times I take the beating,” he paused to hold up a hand, “Not literally.”

“She’s been honest with me, always, since… The twins,” he rolled his eyes, waving his hands about as he spoke, “I truthfully have no reason not to trust her, except back then, when she left me, for you and Taehyun, that’s the only time she’s ever broken my trust. And, last night, I was thrown right back to that period of time where I thought the girl I was going to ask to marry me would be gone forever. Literally,” he said through his teeth like it hurt to admit.

Beomgyu mumbled, “You saved her.”

“You guys all saved each other,” Soobin said.

Sitting up, leaning toward him, Beomgyu shook his head. “We did nothing for her, we made her life hell, and you know it. Look at what you’re going through, a result of half of her life spent with Tae and I.”

“And, no parents,” Soobin added.

“Those two parented themselves,” Beomgyu agreed.

“Right?” Soobin held out a hand in utter disbelief, “Can you believe that?”

“No, I always thought that was messed up, but it meant I got to do drugs in their bedroom so I guess I didn’t really care all that much.”

Soobin rubbed a hand over his chin, shaking his head. “At least we agree on one thing.”

Beomgyu, nodding, said, “I think we agree on a lot more than it seems.”

Shifting his focus, Soobin didn’t give him an answer.

“Look,” Beomgyu began, holding open a palm, “I initiated it, I’ll admit that. I broke the ice, I… inquired… if she still had feelings for me. There was a tension, and it was getting in the way of us taking care of the kids, I didn’t want it to get any worse. In no way did I think that she was going to tell me she wants me. I removed her, I told her to get out. I never acknowledged the fact that I wanted to even touch her. All I did was let her know the truth, a truth I rarely got the chance to tell her. I want to be here for my children. My children that you raised. That you’ll continue to raise. You have no idea how grateful I am that it’s you that’s here, that has been here. I owe you my life. I’d say my first born, but he’s already yours.”

A laugh slipped through his lips. “Damn, you’re funny.”

Beomgyu pretended to toss his hair over his shoulder. “Thanks.”

Soobin laughed again, squeezing his eyes shut. “I can see why they both loved you so much.”

Tensing, shoulders rising, Beomgyu stammered before he managed, “Both?”

“Beomgyu, I know everything,” Soobin grinned. “When I tell you I trust Faden, it is because she tells me everything, so yes, both, and please, one of our kids is definitely gay, so I need you around for that.”

Sitting up a little straighter, Beomgyu cleared his throat. “Um… Our?”

Pursing his lips, tilting his head around, Soobin questioned him with a brow. “I’ve had some thoughts before any of this… mess. It’s been a question from Faden as well, once, in the middle of the night, a few months ago. She wants the birth certificates changed,” giving Beomgyu the tiniest of smiles, he said, “And I agree.”

Beomgyu, lips parted, eyes growing wide, didn’t move.

“She’s also mentioned possibly letting you take the boys for a few days, at your cousins, if they’ll allow it, if you want to, you don’t have to, it’s just a–”

“Yes.” Gripping the arms of the chair, his knuckles going white, Beomgyu nodded. “Yes. You’re sick of me, I get it.”

Soobin feigned anguish. “Not what I meant–”

“No, but like, I get it, I’d be sick of me too,” Beomgyu raised his eyebrows. “Yes, Soobin, I’ll do it. I want that. Please. I’ll pay, I’ll do anything.”

Raising a finger, Soobin frowned. “No, she doesn’t want that, I don’t want that either, no money, no court, no nothing. You can take them, you can give them back, if we keep this the way it is, the three of this close, this tight, we’ll be fine.”

Beomgyu, lips pressing into a line, determination burning into his brow, he said, “We’ll be fine.”

“We’ll be fine.”

“Are we fine?”

Soobin thought about it for a minute, the waves crashing in the distance, the seagulls flying overhead, Mina’s tiny snores tickling his heart, your voice calling to him from behind, mere feet away.

Spinning around, he found you. Barefoot, trekking through sand that you hated.

For him.

Tucking your hair behind your ears to keep it from whipping in the wind, your sorry eyes and creased brow made his lips crinkle. 

“Soob?” His name left you in a gasp, the simple sight of him pulling tears out of you. Glancing at Beomgyu who gave you a smile, one tiny, and amicable, you couldn’t return it. Pressing your hands to your chest, heart reaching for your husband, you longed to fall knee first into the sand, but his arms wrapped around you, and his hands scooped up your cheeks.

He kissed you, deeply, with an inhale that pressed his beating heart to yours. Clinging to him, fingers knitting through his hair, pressing him closer, longing to crawl inside the space between his lungs to live there for all eternity, you hummed and murmured something against his lips that made him pull away.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, pressing your thumbs to his cheeks, your fingers to his forehead, pushing back his salty hair, his dewy face, “I’m so sorry, Soob, I’m- I’m sorry, I don’t know what else to–”

Hushing you with another kiss, he parted from you with a smile. “Faden,” he breathed, thumbs brushing your lashes, “We’re fine.”

“We’re fine,” you gasped through a sniffle, body trembling in his hold. 

Holding you tighter, he smiled back at Beomgyu who admired the scene with a pout. “We’re fine.”

Pressing your palms to his shoulders, you shook your head. “Fine, how can we be…”

Soobin narrowed his eyes, dragging his thumb over your lips. “We’ll talk,” he whispered, his gaze heavy. “Tomorrow. I love you.”

“I love you,” you whispered, then sucked in a deep breath. “Tomorrow.”

Sliding his hands around your neck, he tilted his head. “Think you can handle the responsibility of someone else admitting to you that you saved them?”

“Yes,” you cried, pulling him down, his forehead on yours.

“Promise me?” He smiled, his lips ghosting yours.

“I promise,” you whispered, “Soobin, I’m yours.”

Through a kiss he whispered, “Mine.”

“Yours, and only yours, forever, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.” He pressed a kiss to your cheek as you whispered, “No matter what I do.”

Soobin, overtaken by a breath, finally let a tear fall. “No matter what I do.”

masterlist

All this space, all of the empty floor, the sparse walls… It brought you back home. 

Joy’s home.

Soobin released a sigh, glancing about the six hundred square foot space. Slinging one of your bags off his shoulder, pulling the other behind him, he tossed the duffel onto the neatly made sheets and cracked a small laugh. Turning to you, drinking in the disbelief on your face, not only from this bedroom, but from the entire way through the house and up the stairs, he smirked. You hadn’t moved from the doorway.

“Pretty sweet,” he said softly, and you scoffed.

“Pretty sweet? Soob, I thought you said you talked this out with him before he booked a house, you saw downstairs, you saw our staircase. Each of our kids could have their own room on the third floor, this is insane, we can’t afford this, we have-”

“You don’t have to,” Taehyun said from behind you.

Whirling around, missing Soobin’s smile, you shoved your step-brother by the shoulder, mocking his laugh. “Aha, ha, what the fuck? Tae, we can’t do this, I’m sorry.” 

Chan shouted from downstairs, the sound echoing from the first floor, around a hallway, and up the stairs. Your stairs. All three of your ears perked up.

Taehyun slipped a hand into his back pocket, the corners of his lips lifting. “Did you hear what I said?” He pulled out a ring with three keys dangling on it, holding it up in front of your face. “You don’t have to.”

Swatting at his hand, you furrowed your brows. “What are you talking about?”

Huffing a laugh, exchanging a glance with Soobin over your shoulder, he lifted the keys and pressed them to your chest. “Take the keys, Faden.” 

Reaching for them, your fingers brushing over his, accidentally holding onto them for a brief moment, he snatched his hand away and took a step backward. Soobin towered behind your back, sliding his arms around your shoulders, his cheek resting over your hair.

“I don’t get it,” you whispered, toying with the key ring. Both boys laughed, and you groaned. “Don’t do this to me, just say the words,” you snapped, glaring at Taehyun who pursed his lips, swallowing his amusement. 

Tucking his hands behind his back, he rocked on his toes and shrugged his shoulders. “I bought the house,” he said, and your weight dropped back onto Soobin who breathed through a laugh you would’ve beheaded him for if he let it out. 

“Bought it?” you whispered. “As in… You own it?”

Taehyun grinned, perfect teeth in a row. “Yeah, it’s mine,” he nodded at the keys that dangled from your fingers, “And I want us to share it. All of us.”

He didn’t need to unpack all of us, you knew exactly what it meant. Your family and his, minus the ex-wife. Kai, Beomgyu, Hyunjin, Felix, Jungkook and his family… A place brand new, untouched by the darkness the two of you tried desperately hard to keep at bay, which in turn really did mean that Sana wouldn’t be allowed here, if she knew he’d done this. Your parents wouldn’t be allowed here, and if they were, it’d be by appointment, a strict schedule, though the house was spacious enough, the rooms far apart, you might be able to handle them here, but regardless.

You’d share this space. You’d be able to take your children on more vacations than you’ve dreamed of. Soobin watched that fear dissipate in real time as you spun in his arms to look up at him– the fear that with the four of them, with how you managed to get by by the skin of your teeth most months, you wouldn’t ever be able to give them experiences, take them away, show them adventure…

“You knew?” you asked him.

Nodding, he glanced to Taehyun once, then said, “We worked it all out.”

Longing to squeeze him, push him back into your bedroom and climb him, you spun instead, clasping your hands over his where they were looped in front of your neck. “How?”

Taehyun took a deep breath, another grin of his suppressed just the slightest. He and Soobin spoke with their eyes, and as if he got approval to speak by your husbands nod, he said within a sigh, “I got my house back.”

Your knees wobbled. “In Avida!?” The boys finally let their laughter loose at your shout vibrating the walls, the glass light fixtures hanging in the hall. “Your house that you bought with your money that she’s been living in with your kids? With Heeseung? Rose and all of Minho’s PlayStations?!”

“Yes, that house,” he said. Taking his hands to his chest he held them over his heart and shook his head. “Nobody gave me shit, I fought for too long, conversations with brick walls, until,” he threw a hand toward Soobin, “He figured it all out. Read between the lines, followed some old practices, found faults in her paperwork, read some old books…”

You smiled at Soobin. “He loves his old books.”

“Clearly,” Taehyun huffed, “It got me my house.” He took a step toward you. “I am sorry we didn’t tell you about any of it.”

You shook your head. “It’s okay,” you whispered. “Maybe ten years ago I would’ve been pissed, but…”

A reminder to talk to Beomgyu. 

Soobin smoothed his hands down your arms, his voice heavy in your ear. “When everything started with Chan I, uh, took my mind off of things with it. I brought the old books with me, scrolled through databases if I couldn’t sleep.”

Your throat tightened. He couldn’t see you, but he could feel it. He squeezed you. Taehyun gave you a soft smile.

Envisioning Soobin, your golden husband, with a book on his lap in the waiting room of Chan’s therapist, his psychiatrist, waiting to be called in to unpack his appointment. Flipping the book open, propping it up on the steering wheel of the van if Beomgyu took his son inside instead. The nights you’ve rolled over, thrown a leg over his waist, pressed yourself into his side while he sat up against the pillows on his phone, maneuvering one arm under you to hold you closer to him. Even throughout the day, murmurs trapped on his lips if half of a thought slipped out while his calculated, focused eyes took care of the kids but his brain worked overtime.

“You’re unbelievable,” you whispered, pushing your backside against him.

Taehyun popped his brows. “He’s incredible.” 

You pouted, whispering, “I know.”

Another semblance of a shout sounded throughout the house, one not belonging to a child.

“This mean you're moving back down there?” you asked, and he twisted his face up.

“Hell no,” he sneered.

“Thank god,” you breathed, and Soobin laughed. “You’re not taking Kai away from us.” Taehyun thinned out his lips and squeezed his eyes shut for a second.

“I sold it,” he said.

“Already?”

“Yeah.” He opened his eyes and looked at you, a glimmer of his twenty year old self peeking through his smirk. “One of the guys in the company took it off my hands, she’s got a month to get out of there, and if she’s not…”

“I come knocking,” Soobin said, wearing the same face as your step-brother. “And lord knows she doesn’t want to see my face.”

You smiled. “I’ll come with you,” you said to him, then winked at Taehyun, “Make it really worth her time.”

Smiling with you, he brushed off the past with a shake of his head. “But, that’s how I got this place. All of that money went straight into this house. I pulled out of the lease on my apartment, sold my house, bought this place-”

“Where have you been living?” you asked, eyes narrowing, jaw going square. Taehyun, with his mouth still open, an unfinished thought left on his tongue, he shot a look at your husband and laughed. “You’re lying.” Pulling from Soobin entirely, standing between them, you sent glares in both directions, laughing with pleasure as they giggled nervously and shrunk into themselves. “Huening!” you shouted, and the boys lost it.

In a flash, leaving them behind to pull themselves together in a cloud of what should be your anger but rather manifested as an understanding giddy excitement, you barrelled down the staircase that twisted at the bottom. Leading you to a private hallway extending off of a side entrance into the house, onto a porch exclusively for the occupants of the suite, you flew over the hardwood and into a sitting room that took you through a cut out into a space meant to house wines and liquors, the shelving on the walls giving away the obvious. That room brought you into a kitchen meant to house an army, the adjoining dining room equally as large.

The first floor formed a U shape around the main staircase, and it took you too long to find it, to make your way through the maze that was this house. 

A shout guided you in the right direction. A shout that made your stomach flip. 

Pausing in the living room, in the center of pale blue couches pointed toward a flat screen on the light yellow walls, you waited for it to happen again. A quiet crept around you, the air conditioning sending a chill over your skin, bumps rising on your arms, dancing down your legs. 

A thud. From upstairs.

And another shout. Louder this time, very obviously shouting at someone.

Hurrying toward the double wide staircase leading straight up to the second floor, you followed the U shape around to a closed bedroom door. Movement and voices sounded behind it.

Hyunjin and Beomgyu.

He raised his voice again, Beomgyu did, but he didn’t shout. It broke instead, with a sharp inhale to follow.

Clenching your hands into fists you raised one, hovering it over the wood, wondering if you should knock, or if you should leave them be. You haven’t seen him cry in some time, you don’t know what it would be like, what he’d say, what he’d do, if he’d even want to see you. Hyunjin handled this now, there wasn’t anymore you or Taehyun coming to his rescue, following him after he storms out of houses or crashes out in clubs. It was all different. It had to be.

That didn’t mean it didn’t make you sick.

You knocked, three gentle taps to the wood.

Feet scuffled. Sniffles echoed. 

The door pulled open five inches, Hyunjin's button nose poking out. He had his phone pressed to his ear. His gorgeously structured face threatened to knock you breathless. Someone spoke to him on the other line, someone he listened to. Greeting you with a version of a smile you hated with every ounce of your being, his we’ve got a problem smile, you slapped a facade of strength on top of your worry and rolled your shoulders back.

“Who is that?” Beomgyu asked, voice shaking.

Speaking to you with his eyes, warning you to maintain your stature for the time being or else, Hyunjin and his tall frame stepped aside and turned into the room, revealing you to the boy on the floor. A true rock, something that’s taken a shit ton of practice, you didn’t move. 

But you wanted to crumble to the floor and crawl over to him where he sat pressed to the wall beneath the windows dressed with silky curtains, his suitcase thrown open, a complete mess, thrown around clothes and toiletries. Knees tucked into his chest, his cheeks were tear stained, eyes red, hair a mess that he tried to fix at the sight of you.

“No,” he sighed before his lungs were corrupted by a gasp. “Go away.”

Hyunjin mumbled to the person on the phone, wandering about the room, his eyes glazing over his cousin on occasion.

“Gyu,” you said with utmost stability in your tone. “We can… We can talk.” Glancing to Hyunjin for permission, the man in two places at once, he nodded his head and gestured toward Beomgyu.

“Nope,” he groaned, covering his face with both his hands. “I can’t… We can’t-”

Hyunjin pulled the receiver from his mouth. “Talk to her.”

Beomgyu pulled his hands away with the same amount of persistence, lurching forward where he sat, frustration in his brow. “And say what!?”

Jumping at the sudden shout, you maintained face, but you held up your hands, looking between them. “Where are my children?”

Beomgyu huffed, a condescending snicker falling out of him. Taking his hands to his face to avoid looking at you, because he knew how you were going to look at him, he wiped his tears away.

“Outside with Kai and Felix,” Hyunjin said to you before turning away, focused on his phone call.

You gave him a quick, “Thanks,” then took two steps closer to Beomgyu. “Don’t do that to me.”

“Do what?” he questioned, pulling his hands down to flash you his eyes, narrowed and snarky. 

“I didn’t say anything wrong,” you folded your arms over your chest, “They are my kids.”

“They’re mine, too,” he wrapped his arms around his legs.

“When, in the last year, have I ever made you feel like they are not?”

He rested his chin on a knee, averting his eyes to the floor. “You haven’t, I just-”

“Exactly,” you said, crouching in front of him, “I haven’t. I need you to stop making me feel like I have. I don’t know where this came from today, but it needs to stop today. I’m sorry for what I said earlier. Before we left the house. I’m sorry for arguing in front of the kids. Our kids. You know I never speak like that, Soobin and I both, we never let them think that, yanno, you don’t show up, or don’t know how to talk about things…”

“They didn’t know what we were talking about, it’s okay,” he mumbled.

You shook your head. “But, it’s not. You’ve been…” a lump lodged in your throat, one you tried to swallow away, “...The best dad.” He didn’t even look at you. You could barely look at him. “You’ve stepped up in ways I couldn’t even imagine, you’ve changed everything with Chan, and trust me when I say we were drowning.” 

He turned his chin to glance at his suitcase. “He takes Adderall.”

“Uh,” you stammered, making a mental note that he heard you, his brain has just taken him on a slight detour, you said, “Yes, he does.”

Beomgyu looked at Hyunjin with his phone still pressed to his ear. Waiting. “Chan takes it,” he said to his cousin like it should’ve been thought of before, and Hyunjin flickered his eyes to you.

His question soured your stomach. “How much did you bring?”

Poking your tongue out between your lips, you shrugged. “Enough for the week. He takes it right after he wakes up.” Beomgyu sighed, and Hyunjin gave him a look and resumed his phone call.

“Seven pills?” he asked as you turned back to him. 

Eyes going wild, you shot out a single laugh. “Six. He already took it today.”

“Still, what if you lose one, or-”

“We’re pretty strict around here, Gyu,” you spat. “You know it’s even hard for me to handle that shit sometimes, right? I told you about that. Soobin helps me with it, and on bad days he handles it entirely even though I’m in control of myself.”

He pursed his lips and bobbed his head. “Cause you never know.”

“Exactly,” you whispered. “You never know.”

Beomgyu took a deep breath, his gaze traveling around the room, over his cousin, over you, and then to himself where he folded his legs under him. He tucked his hands in lap and laughed quietly to himself. “God, we’re fucked up.” Sitting in front of him, you raised your brows and smiled with him. “Three ex-addicts under one roof…”

“Hey,” you droned, nudging his knee with your foot. He shot his grin your way, the one he shared with his twins. “Don’t group me in there, I never did no rehab.”

Beomgyu reached down to shove your foot away. “No, you did Soobin-hab instead.”

Locking your foot in his grip, you scoffed and laughed aloud, trying to kick him again. “I did, you know what? I did all the Soobin-hab in the world, and it worked didn’t it? It’s still working, right?”

He fought back, laughing with you, leaning forward over his lap, snatching your other ankle to hold you in place. “It did, I’ll give him that,” he giggled as your knees bent, your whole being sliding over the hardwood closer to him while you wriggled to get away from him, “Rehab gets you a nice room, but goddamn, you don’t know what it’s like.”

You stopped kicking. He relaxed his grip. At once, you both had the same thought.

He whispered, “I hope you never know what it’s like.”

Your legs practically looped around his waist. Sitting up, meeting him eye to eye, you reached over to fix his hair, much like you would Chan’s. Hands dropping to your lap, you took in the blush on his cheeks. A flush that said more than words could express. A light dusting of pink that’d overcome him years ago, seconds before he’d trap you in his arms and kiss you until your clothes littered the floor and you were both nothing but panting, sweaty messes…

You pushed off of him and pulled your knees into your chest, hands gripping your ankles. 

Whatever it was you were feeling, whatever sparked your dream on the plane, the meaningless bickering, the petty comments– you figured it out right here on his floor.

And he felt it too.

Boiling beneath your skin, an itch you were absolutely forbidden to scratch, poisoned apple dangling from a sultry branch of familiarity. Six years since you’ve touched him, since he’s touched you, since he’s swallowed you in total ecstasy, since he’s brought out a piece of you only he’s seen, heard, drank, touched, spoken to, cradled in his arms and broken apart and put back together. His plush lips brushing over your neck, his strong hands palming bare skin, warm breath whispering in your ear things that’d have you in instant unravel. 

All of it, it sat here, between you.

A chapter you cannot flip back to.

A chapter that never had proper closure.

One ghosted.

Bottled up by two people who never thought they’d ever be back here again.

Two people who know what they could do to solve the problem hanging over their heads.

You sprung to your feet. Beomgyu didn’t move. He didn’t even look up at you.

“You forgot meds?” you asked quietly, forcing all other thoughts and feelings away.

He nodded, staring at the floor. “Yeah.” He gestured toward Hyunjin minding his business, still pacing the room on the phone. “He’s trying to see if we can get anything down here, he said there’s a few pharmacies…”

“Was it just the Adderall, or…”

Beomgyu bit his lip and sighed. “All of it.”

Your lungs squeezed in your chest. Palming your shorts, you took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay, that’s okay, he’ll figure something out,” you glanced at Hyunjin, “It’s gonna be okay.”

He gave you a measly nod, appeasing you, knowing that both of you know what tomorrow would look like if Hyunjin didn’t figure this out now.

You wondered if he clocked the two of you, sudden embarrassment washing over you in freezing cold shame.

“I’m, uh, gonna go check on the kids,” you muttered as Beomgyu stood up. 

He met your eyes for a half a second, and bobbed his head. “Okay, yeah.”

“You’ll be okay?” you asked, and you swore he hid a smile.

“A lot better now,” he muttered.

And you left him to clean up his suitcase, taking yourself out into the hall, closing the door behind you, trying to not let his words override the overthinking part of your brain. 

He knew it. 

He felt it. 

And you couldn’t tell whether or not he was proud about it.

Down the stairs from the back porch with two tables and striped umbrellas, you skipped off the last one with a hop onto the pebbles that drew a path toward the sand dunes about a half a mile from the house. A stretch of sand lay across the other side of the hills scattered with tall grass and prickly bushes, sand you weren’t excited to get Sunoo upon any time soon.

Gardens lined the pebbles, colorful flowers, smaller bushes of soft plush leaves, the greenery swept along the back of the house and around the other side, leaving broken up space for an outdoor shower, a picnic table on the rocks, and a smaller shaped inground pool with an adjoining hot tub on the end of it. 

Blown away by its beauty, keeping your shock to yourself, you follow the sound of your babies. Little excited voices babbling to one another, to anyone who would listen. Rocks crunching under your feet, you steal the attention of your twins sitting criss-cross near the edge of the pool with Soobin squatting right behind them, hovering over them. Breaking out in grins wider than their cheeks would allow, they tried to jump up in a hurry, Soobin snatching them both by the collars of their shirts, pulling them backward, away from the crystal clear water. 

“Boys what did I say?” he questioned carefully. 

You paused at the pavement surrounding the pool, giving Felix a smile where he sat on the bench of the picnic table with Wonwoo lounging on his lap. Kai wandered along the other side of the yard, if you could call it a yard, with his hands shoved in his pockets, his lips moving a mile a minute. Mina toddled beside the flowers in front of him, reaching down to touch them each with one finger. Taehyun, arms folded over his chest, kept an eye on his niece but bumped shoulders with Kai, listening with intent. 

“Faden,” Felix crooned. Smiling at him again, he tapped the bench beside him, a hand loaded with rings, a tiny tattoo etched onto his skin along the side of his palm under his thumb. Glancing at the twins you hear Felix laugh, one soft, deep, comforting. The boys were enthralled by Soobin and his pool lesson. Two sets of wide eyes watching the water as their father spoke. “They’re busy, come here.”

Brown eyes and a smile you couldn’t say no to. 

In one brisk stride you wound up at his side, planting yourself on the wooden bench. Wonwoo stared at you, but seemed quite content on Felix’s lap. For once he wasn’t whining or fighting to get into your arms. 

Felix took you in, taking a conscious deep breath at the same time. When you met his eyes, when you finally looked up at him, he looked into you. Something he’s done many times before.

“How are you?” he asked. 

A man you couldn't lie to. A being so capable of reading between every line to exist.

You shrugged. “I’m doing my best.” “That’s good,” his cheeks squished in his smile, “You’re taking this well.”

Wonwoo stirred on his lap, sitting forward to watch his brothers lay on their bellies to splash their hands in the pool water. Reaching over to fix his hair, pushing the wisp back off of his forehead, your heart swelled as his eyes fluttered shut and he leaned into your touch.

“Taking what well?” you asked, furrowing your brows.

Felix tipped the top of his head toward the house. “My husband sent me a message while you were up there.”

Releasing a breath, you smoothed your hands over your lap and straightened yourself out on the bench, sending your focus out toward the pool, the yard, the boys, your husband. “News travels fast,” you whispered.

Felix didn’t move. He didn’t even react. Maintaining his composure, so sure of himself and everything he’d say, he simply blinked, thinking nothing of it. “He tells me everything.”

“All the time?” Giving him a look, his nod and his smile made you giggle.

“He always has,” he said, letting his eyes glide over to your family, how Soobin played with the boys. “I started to think I knew too much, but then again…” Looking at you, you could feel his heavy heart. “You’re that way with Soobin, aren’t you?” You gulped. “The honesty, the telling of things, no stone left unturned.”

“Yeah,” you said in a rush of air, hands smoothing over your thighs again. Felix’s eyes flickered toward them, a mere second you’d have missed if you weren’t looking at him. “Since… The twins.”

The corners of his lips perked up. “Since… Jeonghan.”

“You guys were together before though, right?”

Felix pursed his lips and nodded in thought. “Yeah, maybe I just lied to you, since…” He turned his head and pondered to himself, then he cracked a laugh, his eyes crinkling as he leaned toward you. “No, I didn’t, since the beginning of Jeonghan.” Giggling with him, remnants of a story you’ve heard over dinner once came back to light. A story you wonder if Soobin clung to much like you did. A story that almost mirrored your own.

Hyunjin and Felix’s son, Jeonghan, he also belongs to an old friend of theirs and a woman Hyunjin once was involved with. Beomgyu’s cousin six years younger than you. Hyunjin and Felix, they dated in the 90s, and somewhere in between it all, it happened and they took some time apart. They weren’t apart for as long as you and Soobin, but eventually they came back together, sorted themselves out, Hyunjin beat addiction, they raised Jeonghan together, and they’re together to this day. 

Married. Happily.

“I know it must be hard,” Felix said, speaking quietly, just to you, “All of this. Even though you try to force all of the hardness away, the tough feelings, the past. It’s still there. You’re allowed to have those feelings.”

You twisted on the bench, facing him. “What did Hyunjin message you?”

He moved just his eyes. “That you found out Beomgyu forgot his medication.”

A relieved breath escaped you. “Okay.”

“Why?” he questioned.

Looking to him again, you find one of his brows has raised slightly. “Nothing, I just… Didn’t know who else knew.”

Felix stared at you for a few seconds longer, then he blinked and glanced down at Wonwoo who watched him. “Hopefully everyone will know.” Smiling at your baby, your baby smiled back.

“What?” you sighed. “That’s pretty private, isn’t it?”

“Information reserved for you, the mother of his children?” Felix tipped his chin up, eyes sharp, but not angry. His words struck you in the chest, you suddenly yearned to curl up into a ball and hide. “Do you want to be the only one to carry that around all week? Or would you rather everyone know, everyone who will be living under this roof, everyone who cares about him.”

You dug your fingertips into your kneecaps. “Right,” you said, eyes pointing to your lap.

It wasn’t yours to carry. 

You knew that.

There were five other adults in the house. Adults who’ve known Beomgyu for years, who have been with him through his worst. They could help, and they would help, and they were going to help.

That didn’t stop your heart from aching, your stomach from turning. A strong sense of justice like responsibility burned through your veins. That you had to be the one to take care of this, you had to be the one there for him, you had to figure it out, and here you were out in the yard by the pool, having left him in his bedroom for his cousin to take care of.

Like you did for five years.

Your body tensed and tears welled in your eyes.

Felix slid a hand around your shoulders, grasping you tight. Grounding you. A tactic he’s done before. Wonwoo finally scooted on his lap, climbing into yours, sinking into your arms once your hands grabbed onto him, wrapping him in your chest.

Your empath.

All four of your kids took on a role, you’ve watched them all develop into their own around his age, an excitement to find out who he’d be, what he’d be like, the type of person he’d grow up to be.

With tiny hands clinging to your shoulders and his squishy cheeks buried in your neck, the biggest hug his tiny self could give you, he stepped right into his role. His heart. Your sensitive, calm, quiet, empathetic little boy.

A little Soobin.

By the pool, your husband trained his gaze on you. Chan and Sunoo spoke to one another, high pitched excited voices that now traveled toward Taehyun and Kai, two more sets of feet for them to watch over. 

“We’re going to be okay,” Felix said, kneading the tips of his fingers into your neck. “He’s going to be okay.” He took your silence for what it was, for what he could read upon your face. 

Guilt.

“Faden,” he whispered. You met his caramel colored eyes and he pouted his lips, freckles crinkling on his cheeks. He took a thumb beneath your lashes and brushed away your tears. “It is not your fault.”

“You don’t know that.” Voice trembling, you gasped and Wonwoo jumped, his hands clinging onto you tighter. “No one knows that. No matter what he says, no matter what he blames it on, no matter what he does, no matter what I do… It will always feel like my fault.”

Felix hummed, a sound married with some sort of groan. “I could open up years of family history to show you why it most certainly isn’t, and will never be your fault.” 

The back door slid open with a swift whoosh and Hyunjin and Beomgyu trotted down the stairs onto the pebbles, both calm, Beomgyu behind his cousin with eager eyes flashing about the yard. Felix took his arm from around you. Rolling his shoulders back, he sat up straight and gave his husband a smile, one Hyunjin returned. Words you couldn’t hear were spoken between them, but you knew. They had a way of touching one another, Felix’s hand sliding up Hyunjin’s long sleeves to give his bicep a squeeze, Hyunjin resting a hand to Felix’s shoulder slow dancing it toward his neck where he pressed a thumb in the crook of his sharp jaw, his fingers pressing into the other side.

You yearned to go back in time, thirty years ago. A fly on the wall, a glimpse of them five years younger than you were now, a simple whisper of the mid nineties, you craved it. You’ve seen photos, printed polaroids, some of them hanging on the wall at the bar at Haven you worked behind for years. Felix, a gorgeous blonde whose bronze skin made love with the sun, and Hyunjin, a charismatic baby faced casanova with sex appeal oozing from every pore. Their love withstood every storm life hurtled their way.

They tackled addiction. They raised their son. Hyunjin runs his own business, the garage in Soro. Felix worked until Beomgyu took a turn; he now takes some clients privately but centers his focus on Beomgyu. Both hope to have grandchildren to take care of one day, both hope to plan a wedding for their son in the near future, both deserve to retire in a few years time.

They deserved a happy ending.

“You okay?”

The question directed toward you stabbed you in the chest.

Lifting your chin, blinking up at the wall of men that surrounded you, you forced a smile onto your lips.

Soobin asked the question, but Beomgyu lingered a foot or so behind. Your husband slid an arm around your back, squatting down beside you. Wonwoo twisted his head on your chest to watch his father.

“I’m okay, just tired,” you said quietly with a nod, keeping your eyes trained on his focused eyes. “Can’t wait to sleep in our giant bed.”

Soobin agreed with a twist of his brows and a bob of his head. “I cannot wait to sleep in our giant bed.”

Felix held open his arms a bit, mumbling, “Give me back the baby and you guys can go get in that giant bed right now.” Whirling toward him, both you and Soobin laughed aloud, Wonwoo bouncing on your lap as you moved. The blonde narrowed his eyes. His long haired husband shook his head. Beomgyu kicked a rock on the ground. “I am so serious.”

“He didn’t even look back, we’re fine,” Soobin said, his hand locked in yours, tugging you toward the staircase over the tile. 

A smile sat on your lips, one squishing your cheeks as you stumbled behind him. “We’ve never been able to do this before.”

He paused momentarily in front of the entrance to the staircase that belonged to both of you. Dipping his chin down for a quick kiss, he narrowed his eyes. “I know,” he whispered, “What do we do?”

Pursing your lips in thought, grabbing onto his bicep with both hands, you shrugged. “Play games, I guess.”

Soobin blinked. “Could probably find an old box of Clue on a shelf.”

“Please,” you scoffed. “They did a sweep of this place before Tae bought it, we have better luck finding a crossword puzzle in a magazine.”

“Ooh,” he sang, bumping you with his side. “Crosswords, don’t turn me on or we won’t have time for games.” Letting your weight drop onto his shoulder, you both laughed, then gasped to one another with wide eyes as the sound echoed through the empty house. Soobin glanced over your head into the space. All of the space. “This is crazy.”

“I can’t believe he did it,” you whispered, gazing up at him. “Can’t believe you helped him do it.”

Giving you the shortest look, teetering his head side to side, he sighed. “I did it for you.”

“Me?”

Soobin tightened his grip on you and pulled you up the stairs, looking back at you after every step. “You,” he repeated himself. “The kids. Your family.” At the top of the staircase, under the glow of the crystal chandelier, he pulled you into his chest, arms wrapping around your shoulders. He whispered, “You,” and moved in for a kiss.

One slow.

One uninterrupted.

One that struck you down the middle.

One that felt like that night in his car, on date number twelve, in the driveway of your old house, where you tore through every corner of your mind of how you could sneak him in without anyone seeing, or hearing.

He pulled you over into his lap before you could make a decision.

Every kiss with a thought behind it, a careful concentration. Purpose, like kissing you was more than just a bridge to get you undressed and on your back. He took his time, this act just as important as the next, if not more sacred.

There’ve been nights of pure lips on skin, and nothing more. Blazing minutes of kisses, veering on hours. Even if he wanted more, and you could feel it, but you didn’t, he was content showering you in kisses, caresses of his tongue, and vice versa– his long days at the firm leaving him exhausted, your lips along his collarbone satiated him.

It had been days of this, leading up to this vacation.

Kisses. Nothing more.

Your body buzzed. You melted into him, going lax, letting him know that you were his, and you wanted him, as if the drag of your tongue around his didn’t tell him first.

He moved differently than Beomgyu, his hands, his body, his lips, everything about Soobin the complete utter opposite. 

Gyu didn’t take his time. 

He took what he wanted when he wanted, his brain and all rational thought vanishing the second his hands were on your body, the moment your lips intertwined. His desperation, his need, always apparent, always visible, entirely erotic how he’d whimper. Shame unbeknownst to him, his thoughts pouring out of him in exasperated whispers, pleas and begs for more, for you…

Pulling away from Soobin, squeezing your thighs together, you slid your hands over his cheeks and pressed your eyes shut. Lowering your chin, you took a deep breath.

“You okay?” Soobin asked, voice low, tone gentle. Always.

Shaking your head, you let the tiniest laugh slip through your lips, then smiled up at him, raking your fingers through his hair to pull his lips back to yours. “Yeah, sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” he mumbled against your kiss, sliding his hands down your back to your hips, giving you a squeeze. “C’mon,” he whispered within shared air, maneuvering you backward into the bedroom, pressing the door shut with his palm. 

Beomgyu would’ve thrown it shut. He would’ve pushed it, and let it swing with a slam.

Soobin, slowly, walked you toward the giant bed you’d be sharing for the week. Parted lips pausing for all of a few seconds, your smiles met as his hands tugged at the hem of his t-shirt you pulled on this morning. Fingers dancing beneath it, he brushed the tips over your belly and smirked as you shuddered, chills erupting down your spine.

Beomgyu would’ve ripped it off of you, and one time, he quite literally ripped one off of you.

Soobin was careful. Strong, firm, yet careful. Pulling the shirt off of you, he tossed it behind him and drug his fingers through your hair, pushing it off of your face. Tipping your chin upward, he engulfed you with a kiss, one that shifted the energy, and you whined.

This was how it started with Beomgyu. There would be no cat and mouse for a week, no sultry looks thrown unexpectedly across the room, an inconspicuous chase that would have you melting at his feet in seconds once he finally could get his hands on you.

It started like this. Rough, fast, starved, every damn time, and it’d be impossibly electric, ground breaking, earth shattering, not enough air in the room for you to suck down to scream Beomgyu…

Soobin gently wrapped his hands around your chin, pulling you back. His eyes, dark, yet curious. Knowing. “Fae, what’s wrong?”

Taking a breath, you shook your head, pressing your fingers into his arms. “Nothing, I’m- It’s fine.”

He shook his head ever so slightly. “Talk to me.”

Your pout made him smile. “I don’t wanna talk.”

“Well, I do,” he whispered, kissing you once more, smoothing his thumbs beneath your lashes. “Don’t lie to me, you always want to talk.”

You couldn’t help your laugh.

Then, his brown eyes flashed in your mind and humor fled the scene. 

Letting your hands drag over his chest, your husband's chest, you watched your hands as they traveled his body.

“What’s on your mind?” Soobin asked softly.

Without missing a beat, you whispered, “Beomgyu.”

“Beomgyu?”

His shaggy hair.

His sappy puppy eyes deeper than oceans.

The flush of pink on his cheeks when you touched him.

The way you’ve both been bumping into one another around corners of your house trying to parent your children.

His big, rough hands.

The purse of his pouty lips.

His weight hovering over you, caging you to a mattress, or a couch, like a prize won, one he’d worship, one he’d toy with again and again, until you were both fucked out messes that could barely move.

You could feel him. The drag of his tongue up your neck, down your chest, through your slick, lips wrapping around your clit, a harsh suck with little mercy. The curve of him slipping inside of you, filling you entirely, his size knocking you breathless, brainless.

God, you wanted him to swallow you whole, to use you like he once did, what once used to be his utmost goal, bring you to orgasm, once, twice, three times, until you were nothing but a slut for him, and only him. Brain rewired, skin addicted to his, unsatisfied unless it was his cock drilling into your belly, fucking you full…

Six years ago haunted you, inflicting your chest with a spear of cold.

This is why you left the first time.

Your throat tightened.

You blamed intoxication then. You blamed irrational thinking, thoughts skewed by substance, a girl unhealed from the years she endured prior to finding this boy head over heels for her, willing to do anything for her.

Why this when Beomgyu was available?

Clenching your jaw, tears welled in your eyes.

Why this?

Soobin, your everything. Your husband, the father to your children, the father who stepped up, the one who taught you, who showed you what it’s like to be loved, to be appreciated for all that you are, even your deepest faults. Every imperfection, he held it in his hand, he accepted it, accepted you. Never once has he judged, has he looked down upon you for what you once were, for where you came from.

And you dare ask yourself… Why this?

You couldn’t tell him.

You couldn’t tell anyone.

You wouldn’t tell anyone.

To the grave.

“He forgot his meds,” you whispered, and Soobin took a deep breath, his eyes glossing over with worry… and something of relief. “Hyunjin is trying to find something for him down here, but if he doesn’t-”

“He will,” Soobin nodded, dragging his thumbs along your cheeks. “Trust that he will.”

A tear slipped from your eye, Soobin brushed it away. “They asked me what we brought for Chan, and I told him, but-”

“Told him what?”

“Told him that we brought enough for the week, that there’s six left, it’s not enough to split-”

Soobin shook his head. “Even if we brought it all, we would not be splitting anything. Him, you keep saying him, Beomgyu?”

Your voice shook. “Yeah, Hyunjin was on the phone, but Gyu knows that Chan takes it, so-”

He cut you off again. “Did you tell him where it is?”

“No, I didn’t, Soob, I don’t even know where it-”

“You told him what we brought, you told him we have it, you told him, not Hyunjin.”

He never raised his voice, but you could feel his frustration. “Soobin, he was crying, he was curled up on his floor, you should’ve seen-”

“You were in his room?”

Pulling your hands from him, you ducked out his hold. “Let me finish!”

He pressed his hands to his thighs, his eyes on alert. Jaw clenched shut, he took a deep breath and waited.

“I heard him,” you started, reaching for the t-shirt on the floor. Soobin’s eyes fluttered shut for a mere second. “Crying. Upset. After I left you and Tae up here.” Slipping the shirt over your head, you folded your arms over your chest. “It could’ve been one of the kids, it could’ve been anybody, so I went up. Hyunjin let me in, he was there the whole time.”

Soobin narrowed his eyes. His chin cocked slightly sideways.

“It was a mess, his shit was thrown everywhere, you could see how disappointed in himself he was,” you continued, “He didn’t want me to come in there, he told me to go away-”

“And you stayed.”

“Not for long,” you scoffed, “Hyunjin was on the phone, he watched this whole thing.”

Soobin pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and bobbed his head.

“Gyu didn’t wanna tell me what happened,” you said, voice breaking a bit, “He didn’t want me to know. He’s been doing great, I know this is a major blow for him. To disappoint us.”

“You,” Soobin mumbled with a nod.

Gulping, you shook your head. “What?”

“Disappointing you, not us.  You think he makes decisions and thinks about me?”

You took a step toward him. “Yes, I do. You mean a lot to him, Soobin, you know that.”

“Not as much as you do,” he whispered.

Your chest burned. “What is that supposed to mean?”

He sighed, closing his eyes.

“Hey, no,” you said, stepping in front of him, grabbing onto his arms, “We don’t do this, what’s happening?”

Opening his eyes, he gazed down at you and licked his lips. “I think we are all tired. Tonight will be an early night, and tomorrow we’ll all be off each other's backs. We’ve never traveled like this before.” He allowed his hands to grab onto your waist. He leaned down, brushing his nose over yours. “I’m moving Chan's meds. They were in my suitcase, but I’ll be taking them out after you go downstairs.”

Defeat.

Incompetence.

“Soob?”

“I love you,” he whispered. “I trust you. But, I need to put both you and our kids first. And, I’m going to do what I need to do to feel safe.”

It tasted bad.

That didn’t feel good.

Pulling away from him, brows flipping over, you crossed your arms once more and frowned. Taking you in, he gave you an earnest look of love.

“Faden, you know-”

“I know,” you cut him off and walked backward for the door, letting him follow you in slow steps, yours doubled compared to his. “I get it. Do what you need to do.”

“Fae.”

You held up one hand and wrapped the other around the gold doorknob. “No, go ahead. Let me get out of your way so you can feel safe.”

His shoulders straightened. “I didn’t say that-”

“If you could just… for one second, imagine the look on his face. Him knowing that he’s let us all down, you, his cousins, Tae, the kids, me.” 

He didn’t move. “It’s not our responsibility. Hyunjin said specifically-”

You yanked the door open with a groan. “Such a rule follower.”

He pressed a hand to the wood, cranking it open as you stepped out into the hallway. “Excuse me?”

“You!” Whirling around, you let a laugh escape at his expense. “He has been my best friend for so long, Soob, forgive me if something slipped out of my mouth while I was talking to him, trying to be there for him.” He could only nod. “I’m taking a walk,” you uttered, turning to fly down the stairs.

“Why?” he asked, following you.

Dragging a hand through your hair, you groaned aloud. “‘Cause I can’t have a fucking drink.”

[soob <3]: *2 Missed Calls*

[Lee Felixie]: We’ve got the kids. You come back when you’re ready. We’ll talk.

[gyu]: Are u ok???

Fifteen years old. The warm breeze grazed over your skin, kissed you on the cheek, danced through your hair. The last time you were on a beach. Fifteen years old.

Joy and Jin packed you and Taehyun up, popped you on a plane, and spent a week ignoring you in a resort on a coast further South than Haos. A tad more tropical, too, with palm trees and coconuts, a blazing sun and savory air full of culture and delicious history.

That week you were menaces. Sneaking around hallways lined with gold after hours because you were both confined to the same room while your mother and his father slept and lounged on a different floor. You tiptoed through the exquisite dining halls and stole intricate desserts from the kitchen that you’re pretty sure belonged to the wedding being thrown in the main hall that you, of course, snuck into and crashed.

Strangers handed you slices of cake, you got lost between bodies chasing after one another on the very full dance floor rumbling to the exotic beat of the music, an older man almost grabbed you and took you by the hand to spin you around, but Taehyun did it first. You can remember stumbling out of the crowd, sweaty, grinning ear to ear, being approached by a woman who didn’t speak English with a silver tray topped with tiny glasses of clear liquor. 

The look you shared spoke the same words. 

You both took two, then vanished onto the beach and into the ocean, hours spent on sand, in water, until the sun came up and you both–

“There you are.”

The sound of his voice alone eased the cold front surrounding you. Trudging up the dunes, he sighed and flopped down next to you, his hands shoved into the pockets of the sweatshirt he’d thrown on. 

“Thought it’d be colder down here,” he said.

You snickered. “It is where I’m sitting.”

Taehyun laughed, stretching his legs out in front of him, his sneakers covered in sand. “I really hate the beach.” He took one look at the way your hands sat on your knees and how only your bottom and your feet touched the sand and he laughed again.

Giving him a side eye, you couldn’t help but smile. “We’re city kids, Tae. And you bought a beach house.”

He shook his head. “The house is nice,” he said, then he shrugged toward everything behind him, “The town is nice. Haos is… awesome. But, this?” He nodded at his legs and his shoes.

At once, you both cringed, “Eugh.”

“Sun hates it, too,” you said after a huff, “He gets that from me. I thought Chan would be the one to hate it, but…”

Taehyun bobbed his head. “Soobin told me some stuff.”

You sighed, letting your head fall backward. “The signs are small with Sunoo,” you breathed, “But, they’re there. It’s all coming in differently than Chan though, our pediatrician thinks…”

“Neurodivegence?”

Furrowing your brows you widened your eyes. “Definitely. ADHD is so common for multiples, and with Gyu, and then me–”

“You?”

You shrugged. “I’ve been looking into it for myself. Some stereotypical things add up, addiction for one, that’s textbook, but… I don’t know. It’s different for girls, so if by chance I have it, that means Mina could too, so I just, I wanna be prepared.”

A breeze messed with his hair, pushing the dark strands over his forehead. The tousled locks made him ten years younger. “You’re a great mom, Baby,” he whispered in the wind. 

The smile you gave him was no short of one full of incredible love. “When do you get the kids back?”

He looked out upon the mile of sand in front of him, the ocean flashing him waves of blue. “I’m picking Minho up when we get home from here.”

You frowned. “And, Rosie?”

He shot you a smirk. “Funny.”

“Not funny,” you shook your head, “Tae, she wasn’t at Joy’s for our birthday’s, she doesn’t come with you to our house when you’re supposed to have her, I haven’t seen her since… Christmas, and even then, she wanted nothing to do with any of us.”

“Sounds about right,” he said without any infliction in his tone. “She sat on her phone the whole time, not even Joy could get her involved.”

“Even when we fought, Joy and I, she had no interest. And, usually, that gets her.”

Taehyun huffed a laugh. “‘Cause she’ll tell Sana all about it, and she eats up all the bullshit.”

You saw straight through his half smile. 

It tore him up.

His daughter, his firstborn, the one he went through hell and back for, wanted nothing to do with him.

“She’s a teenager now, Tae,” you said softly. “She’ll come around eventually. I don’t know much about this stuff, ‘cause I didn’t have it, but girls at this age, they’re gonna want their mothers.”

He smirked. “You didn’t want it.”

Rolling your eyes, you groaned dramatically. “No, Taehyun, I wanted you.”

He laughed, but it quickly turned into a mess of groans. “Ugh, see, she’s at that age where… Well,” he gave you a look, and you held in a giggle, “And, I know Sana, we all know Sana, I mean, Christ, in five years Rose is at the age when Sana had her, I just–”

He tucked his knees into his chest and pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes. Reaching out a hand, you smoothed it over his back.

“Stuff is different now,” you said. “Girls are… girlbossing, I guess it’s called. No one’s having sex anymore.”

He laughed and lifted his head. “Sure.”

“No, I mean it,” you sighed, pulling your hand back into your lap. “No one is.”

“I am,” he flickered his eyes around, sarcastically offended.

Within a breath, you whined. “Good for you, I’m so happy for you, that’s wonderful.”

He settled his brows over his eyes, letting them sweep over you and how you hunched over yourself on the sand. “Are you… not?”

Shaking your head, you rolled your eyes. “I was about to, we were so close, kid-free, big bed without half folded laundry on it…”

“What happened?”

Swallowing hard, you shook your head again. He didn’t speak. Digging your nails into your shins, you drug them up to your knees and pressed, hard. “I can’t.”

“You… can’t,” Taehyun repeated. “You can’t… have sex with him?”

You dropped your head back. “No, I… I can, it’s just…”

“Gyu,” he said, calm as anything.

Nearly breaking your neck, your wide eyes told him plenty. Told him everything. Everything he already knew.

He snickered.

Snickered.

“Please,” he giggled, “I can smell it. You forget I was a part of you two for how many years? He can barely look at you for more than a few seconds before he’s roaring and ripping his shirt off, and every little thing he does pisses you off. You guys have been waltzing around each other for a year now, I’ve been waiting for this to happen. I thought hell must’ve frozen over, ‘cause you were both holding strong, but now…”

“I want to–”

He met your eyes, both of you looking at each other at once.

“Finish that,” he smiled, and you shook your head. “Come on, Baby.”

“No, I can’t,” you whispered, “That’s terrible. I feel so guilty.”

He shrugged. “You haven’t touched him.”

Gulping, you loosed a breath. “We’ve already done it in my head.” Taehyun’s lips parted, some sort of shock, amusement all living behind it. “On the plane, I dozed off, but I was thinking, and I relived him… That black velvet couch…”

“Ah,” Taehyun said, snapping his jaw shut, glancing down at the sand.

He knew that couch too.

“How are you able to do this?”

He thought to himself, then softened his eyes when he looked at you. “I didn’t have his kids, Faden. He was… a crush for me. Discovery. He wasn’t the guy I was meant to end up with, and I’ve accepted that. I’m with Kai now, Beomgyu and I have been just friends since before you got pregnant, regardless of my time on that couch. We were always meant to be just friends. We were just… a way for the other to indulge in guys safely.” He sighed. “You guys were more. You were always more. I knew that before you guys did.”

“Don’t tell me that,” you muttered. “I’m with Soobin, why can’t I do what you’re doing. I’m married. I got married.”

Taehyun smiled. “You’re where you’re meant to be, Baby. Trust me. It’s definitely ‘cause he’s getting back to himself, finally. This is what you remember, this part of him. He’s talking back, his skin’s getting thicker, he can hold lengthy conversations, he’s remembering you just as you’re remembering and recognizing him– The version of him that made you have his babies.”

“Oh my god, shut up!” You shoved him, nearly pushing him into the sand.

Laughing loud, he smacked your arm away and shoved you back, moving closer to you. You couldn’t fight back, you never could. He took your arm hostage against his chest, tucking his knees in to keep it trapped. 

“I’m being so serious, though,” he said after you both had calmed, “‘Cause, don’t get me wrong. Sometimes when he smiles, and it goes all crooked, and it doesn’t reach his eyes, and his tongue pokes out between his teeth…”

Turning your chin, catching him in a daydream, he looked to you with only his eyes.

“You think about him on top of you, plowing into you, don’t you?” you asked, and after a beat, you both erupted with giggles. “Ugh, see this is the thing though… How can I think about this?”

“‘Cause it’s fun,” he joked, and you gave him a glare. “You’ve been open with Soobin about it? These feelings?”

“No,” you hushed, leaning toward him. “No. Never. I didn’t even know what this was until, like, today, yanno.”

He nodded. “It’s Soobin, he’s gotta be open to talking about it. That’s all you two do. Is talk.”

Giving him a funny smile, because that’s all you ever wanted from Taehyun, was to talk, you grit your teeth and spoke through them. “And tell him what? That I wanna fuck the guy I left him for years ago? The guy who’s kids I had?”

He curled his lip and hummed. “Maybe not… that.”

You laughed once. “Then, what? How can this be any sort of conversation with my husband?”

“Well,” Taehyun began, “It’s more than sex. Beomgyu’s been in your life for almost twice as long as Soobin’s been. Roughly. You fell for him first, you loved him… Maybe you tell him you still do.”

You grimaced. “And have him divorce me on the spot, right, great plan, Tae.”

He dropped his bodyweight onto you dramatically. “Good god, Faden, listen to me. You obviously don’t want to leave Soobin, you don’t want to abandon him and your family and run off to Fucksville with Gyu, but these feelings you’re holding onto aren’t doing your relationship any good. Nor are they good for you and Gyu, and you guys have been co-parenting really well for the last year. You don’t want to ruin that, you don’t want to cause a rift between you and Soobin, you need to be honest.”

Taking a long, slow deep breath, you met his gaze and nodded. “I need to be honest.”

“Honest,” he punctuated with a singular nod.

Looking out onto the beach, the curves of the beige sand, the crashing of the waves, the billowing of the breeze, you giggled, acquiring a curious hum out of Taehyun.

“Why do you really hate the beach?” you questioned with a perk of your brow, and he scoffed, his face warping in disgust.

“‘Cause we fucked on it, and I had sand everywhere, for weeks, I swear, my god, so did you, I can’t believe we…”

He went on and on, reliving the tale, and all you could do was smile and cringe, ‘cause that’s why you hated the beach too.

Soobin, with Wonwoo on his hip and his lips pulled tight, whirled about the island counter, his free hand doing as much work as it possibly could juggling two cups for the twins and a juice box for Mina. The kitchen, with a ceiling higher than any you’ve ever seen, buzzed with life, and smelled delicious.

At the table, Chan and Sunoo sat next to one another, their sister across from them wedged between Kai and an empty chair you assumed was for Taehyun. Felix wandered about behind the boys situating their plates, asking them what they wanted to eat from the array of take out in front of them, both of them lunging for the chicken nuggets with pointed fingers at once. Mina sat poised, and cautious, eyeing everything carefully, with precision.

To her left, all the way at the end of the table, Beomgyu sat with his elbows on the table and his hands folded together, covering his mouth and half of his chin. Staring at the wood, he barely blinked, barely reacting when Chan cheered from chicken nugget success.

Walking in behind you, Taehyun placed a hand to your back, gave you a shake, then took to the empty chair next to Mina, brushing by Hyunjin with a smile who met Felix at their chairs with two Sprites in hand. Taehyun slid his hand around Kai’s neck and leaned in to press a kiss to his cheek, a rare display of affection for the two of them around everyone. Kai cowered slightly, blushing as he smiled up at Taehyun, wondering what he’d done to earn that.

You lingered in the archway, stealthy until your two year old spotted you and shouted, “Mama!” His tiny arms sprawling toward you, nearly leaping out of his fathers arms. “Mama,” he whined, and Soobin, pouring juice into cups, gave you a look, one unreadable.

Approaching the boys, you held open your hands and Wonwoo sunk into them, wrapping his around your neck. “You sent Taehyun after me?” 

He spoke as quietly as you, just loud enough to hear one another over the commotion behind him. “You wouldn’t listen to anyone else,” he said, “Knew he’d bring you back in a good mood.”

Smoothing circles over Wonwoo’s back, you squared your jaw, pointing your eyes up at your husband. “You could’ve followed me.”

He turned to the counter, capping the juices with a lid and a straw. “Not after that.”

Felix’s voice rung out into the high ceiling. “Hey, you two, come on, join us!”

Peering around Soobin, you smiled at the blonde. “We’re coming,” you said, then your eyes met Beomgyu’s.

Intrigued, he now sat back in his chair, legs sprawled in front of him, arms resting on the ledges beside him. Chewing on the inside of his lip, he flickered his eyes from Soobin, to you, back to Soobin.

“Soobin, you said it, we’re all tired,” you sighed.

He turned to you, quickly, placing one hand to the marble counter and the other in the air beside him. “Is that what you see me as? Is that what you think I see you as? Everything I do, it’s to protect you, to protect our kids. I am not looking to be some sort of controlling maniac, nor do I think that you disrupt my safety. You are my safety, Faden. You are my everything. These four,” he gestured to Wonwoo, then the three behind him. Beomgyu watched. “They’re my everything. You guys are my world. My entire world.”

“I get that all of this may be triggering for you,” he lowered his voice, his eyes growing in size, “But, I am here for you. I don’t want to be the bad guy. He’s got the help he needs, Fae, we have to focus on ourselves when it comes to these things. We have four kids that need us. Us.” He took a deep breath and placed his hand on his hip. Blinking a thousand times, he shook his head. “I couldn’t follow you, when you left Mina tripped in the rocks and an Uncle Kai hug wasn’t enough to calm her down.”

“Mina’s hurt,” you gasped, breezing by him to the kitchen table where your girl sat staring at her plate of mac ‘n cheese. Dangling Wonwoo in front of Taehyun, he took him happily, feeding him a bite of a french fry while you knelt beside your daughter. She pouted her lips, staring at you with big, round eyes. “Hi baby, are you okay?”

Pulling one knee up onto the chair, she showed you her band aid. “I ran, and I fell down. Where did you go?” Her eyes, glassy from crying, blinked up at you.

Chan chimed in. “Yeah, where’d you go, Mama?”

“You left us,” Sunoo said without a second thought, popping a chicken nugget in his mouth.

Gulping, all three of your able minded kids with their eyes on you, their formative, very impressionable eyes and minds, you tried to smile, smoothing a hand over Mina’s hair. “I took a walk,” you said, meeting Beomgyu’s eyes across the table. “I got very overwhelmed, and needed fresh air, and some time to think. I wanted to calm down before I said something I didn’t mean.”

Sunoo propped an elbow on the table and squinted, his cheeks puffed with nuggets. “Are you better now?”

Mina threw her head back and forth as a new person spoke each time.

Chan said, “Are you still mad at Daddy?”

You know it didn’t, but it felt as though the whole room paused. Everyone ate, everyone spoke to each other, life went on, but as you glanced at Beomgyu, then Soobin, whether Chan mixed their names up unlikely on purpose, you’re unable to give him a truthful answer. 

go to part three | masterlist

Endearing, really. One should be able to stand here all day, so you’re unsure why your heart raced and your palms sweat and your legs felt shaky. Something like nausea roiled within you, and you’re pretty sure it had nothing to do with the luggage crowded by the front door or the plane tickets living in your husband's carry-on.

“Fae,” a deep voice said from behind you, soft as ever. Whipping yourself around with widened eyes, your husband, who slipped a t-shirt over his head as he came toward you, breathed through a laugh. “You’re up before the baby, what are you doing?” Reaching for you, he slung his arms around your back and buried his nose in your hair, pressing a kiss to the top of your head after a slow, deep breath. 

Wrapping your arms around his waist you laid on his chest, his beating heart level with your ear. Nuzzling your cheek against the cotton that just took away your favorite morning view, you inhaled when he did and exhaled long after, keeping the breath trapped in your lungs for a moment. Over your head from what he could see, he spotted the scene that paralyzed you.

“Mm,” he hummed, rubbing his hands in circles over your back before they dropped to caress your hips draped in cotton shorts. “When did that one sneak out of bed?” 

“I don’t know,” you whispered, lifting your chin to look up at him squinting into the living room. “Where’s your glasses, Soob?”

“In the bedroom,” he whispered, then cracked a soft laugh when you expressed your frustration with a groan, dipping his head down to press a kiss to your lips. 

Keeping his head down, your nose grazing his, he watched as you smiled, then he kissed you again, slower this time. In seconds your lips were parted, tongues dipping out just as slow as the kiss let on, but when your hands slid below his shirt, your nails tickling the skin of his lower back, he pulled away from you with a smack and shook his head. 

“I don’t have time for more kids,” he said, voice low and gravely, “Get out.” Grabbing your hands he yanked you off of him, ignoring your giggles.

“Can’t believe that’s still your weakness, Soob,” you teased, flashing him your nails, attempting to grab onto his shirt. He swatted you away, stumbling backward with a fake grimace on his face.

“Away, woman,” he said louder than before, his voice echoing out into the open floor plan of the kitchen and living room. Your son stirred on the couch and you both planted hands over your mouths to conceal your laughter. Shooting you a wide eyed look, Soobin dropped his slender hand to reveal a tight lipped smile. “Anyway,” he whispered with a raise of his brows. You kept your hand in front of your mouth just in case. Starting toward the kitchen, slipping over to the left of you, he gestured around at the space you both deep cleaned the night before and curled his top lip. “Am I even attempting to make anything for breakfast, or…” 

Your hand finally dropped. Holding his gaze, you rounded the island counter and grabbed the handles on the fridge to pull it open. Still looking at him, you pulled four plastic packages of Lunchables from a shelf and spread them out on the marble counter after closing the fridge with your backside. Soobin, the poster boy for impressed, smiled at you.

“You, uh, got any more in there?” His question threatened to crack you up all over again. A smile plastered to his lips, he came to your side and suffocated you in another hug, pressing his lips all over your face, everywhere he could. Leaning your head back in the hook of his elbow, you gazed up at him and fluttered your lashes. “Super mom.”

You blinked. “It’s Lunchables, Soobin.”

Closing his eyes, he held in a laugh and shook his head. When he opened his eyes he tilted his head toward the living room. “Not just talking about the Lunchables, Faden.” The nausea that was awash over you before Soobin called out your name came back, you didn’t even have to look at the couch. Reading it all over your face, Soobin narrowed his eyes. “What’s wrong?” A question for earlier and right now. 

Picking your brain, you couldn’t come up with a reason. Everyone in the house was safe, the trip was fully planned and paid for, and all that was left to do was get in the car, get to the airport, and fly to Haos.

“Is it because we’re all going together?” Soobin asked, his tone gentle. You shook your head. “You like that we’re going together?” You nodded. “Are you worried about the kids?” You shook your head. “Are you nervous about the flight?” You shook your head, and he loosed a breath. “Fae, you gotta give me something here,” he half laughed. Your eyes traveled to the couch and Soobin flickered his eyes away from you for a moment. Only when you looked back at him, he whispered, “You’re worried about Beomgyu.”

The nausea spiked. He hit the nail on the head, and you wanted to dry heave onto the tiled floor. 

It’d been a year since Hyunjin walked him into your backyard, the father of your twin boys, the boy you spent countless years falling in love with, the man whose life was almost lost because of you, even though he tells you it wasn’t because of you, but you cannot help but feel like it was because of you. It’d been over a year since he met his children, Chan and Sunoo, one of whom was tucked under his arm at the moment. You couldn’t tell, even by the hair, both twins now wanted dad’s hair, even Sunoo who typically preferred a clean cut. 

Things were going well. Too well. Beomgyu came around often, he was living up in Soro with Hyunjin and Felix, only twenty or so minutes away give or take the traffic at the time of his departure. Hyunjin spent half of this past year driving him to and from, hanging around inside the house, especially if Jungkook came by with Chaeyoung and their daughter Tzuyu, but most of the time he gave you and your family his love before he either took a walk around Sicuro with his stunning blonde husband, or called him from the car. 

Finally spending some real time with the man with the Aussie accent that your kids got a kick out of, you’d begun to admire the relationship he had with Hyunjin. It mirrored your own with Soobin. A partnership, a team. Two people who loved one another a great deal and took care of one another. Felix cared a great deal for Beomgyu too, like he was his own.

After Beomgyu met his boys on the back porch of you and Soobin’s home, he spent the afternoon with your family, him and Hyunjin coming inside to happy smiles and cozy hugs. Watching over your children, though they had three other guardians doing so, you kept a curious eye on Beomgyu and every move he made, trying your best to not let it rip open your already half sewn back together heart. The twins danced around excitedly, showing off their home, their toys, their Uncle’s, their siblings, which was when Beomgyu darted his eyes toward you, when Chan introduced him to Mina spinning around on her purple playmat and Wonwoo snuggled up in Kai’s arms who sat next to her. Something changed for a second, a miniscule split second that sent him reeling into his head, brown eyes blank for that small moment before he adjusted his posture and greeted your youngest two with his lopsided smile.

For the entirety of the afternoon he glanced around your home with what felt like caution. Hyunjin hung close behind, and to your surprise, Beomgyu often made sure of it. His security. His safety net. Picking at the snacks Taehyun pulled from the cabinets in the kitchen, or from whatever the boys handed him, he didn’t eat much. His nails lived between his teeth though, eyes wide usually, staring off at something, or nothing. Hyunjin had been the one to gently take his hand away, a job that used to be yours. He’d pull his hand from his mouth and slip something into his palm, a small piece of gum from his pocket that Beomgyu tossed into his mouth in a way that resembled the way the two of you used to pop a pill in Haven, or in your bedroom, or in Taehyun’s jeep.

A lot has changed since last May. Now he was able to sleep on your couch and stay over without a chaperone, Hyunjin had fixed him a car he used to get from Soro to Sicuro and back, his boyish cheeks had rounded back out, and his smile, when it’d catch you the right way, made you feel twenty years old again. The infectious personality that lit up a room was sparking back to life, his jokes and his laughter adding to the sanctuary that was the home you and Soobin created.

The kids adored him, all four of them, Mina and Wonwoo loving on him as equally as Chan and Sunoo. Beomgyu ate it up. Early this past spring he offered to stay with the kids for an evening so you and Soobin could go out without them. A hesitant choice made by you, agreeing after a period of thought even though your husband was on board straight away. 

Leaving them with tight hugs and the reassurance that Hyunjin was somewhere around the corner, Soobin took you to dinner, eased your worries throughout the night, held your hand while you strolled through parks, got frisky with you in the back of the car wedged between cars seats, and then brought you home with flushed cheeks before midnight to the sweetest scene. Beomgyu and four kids draped across the couches wrapped in blankets and surrounded by pillows all from their own beds. The four littles were asleep, forcing Beomgyu to be stuck watching the end of Inside Out 2 all by himself with Wonwoo snoozing on his chest. His fingers danced gently over your baby’s back, soothing him, keeping him in a slumber you and Soobin always deemed very important for the smallest of your crew. Wonwoo lived with Chan, you’d often joke, the baby could sleep through almost anything.

Beomgyu was quick to want to get up and help you put the kids in bed, or decide to leave them where they were. He offered to help clean up the kitchen that was slightly messy from dinner, or to straighten up the toys scattered about the floor. The way he held onto Wonwoo, cradling him so naturally, keeping him comforted and safe, you told him no, to stay there on the couch with your son, letting him revel in a period of time he missed out on with his own kids. 

That’s why you didn’t mind him coming around as often as he did, and neither did Soobin. Some days you’d come home from hours of work at Peace Made with Kai and find the men at the kitchen island chatting it up while the kids ran rampant in a game of make believe. Soobin would call him, text him, ask him if he wanted to come over for dinner, offer to pick him up so they could attend matters at the boys school together, ask him if he wanted to drive Chan to his therapist or Sunoo to his piano lesson. He impressed you, your husband, though this shouldn’t have come as much of a surprise, he spent half his childhood and the rest of his life until now without a father. Whether it be his own or someone else's. His kids got two, and through many loving whispers into your ear he emphasized what a blessing that was.

It truly was unreal, indescribable, mind boggling, that what once had been your biggest regret, many branches of the sort flowing through it, had now turned into the greatest thing life had given you.

“Soobin, if something happens while we’re away it’s our fault,” you said, clutching onto his shirt, fists full of white fabric. Your husband bobbed his head, listening to you. “It’s like we have… five kids now.”

A smile pulled at the corners of his lips, that smile. “Bit of a relief to describe him that way,” he said, tilting his head side to side, acquiring a smack to his bicep. Planting his palm over where your hand hit him, he laughed. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, no more of those jokes, I remember, I’m sorry.”

A rule you established with your husband who started to find it funny to hint at the past you shared with Beomgyu, that he wasn’t allowed to anymore. His favorite at one point had been him calling himself the other woman, which he’d only said twice before you cried and he apologized profusely. 

“When you say things like that it makes me feel like you’re not okay with this,” you said, wiggling his shirt around. Soobin laid a hand over your hair, smoothing it out.

“I am okay with this,” he whispered, making sure you were looking at him. “If anything when I say things like that it’s because I am okay with this. You would know if I wasn’t, I’d tell you, Fae.”

Rising to your tiptoes to steal a quick kiss from your titan of a husband, you gave him half a smile. “I trust you.” 

Soobin bent down to steal a real kiss, then whispered, “I trust you, too. We’re going to have a great time, it’s our first vacation with the kids, everyone is going to be there, Taehyun said our room is… secluded from the others…”

His growing smirk fueled your own. Pressing your palms to his chest you brushed your noses together. “You said no more kids.”

“I know,” Soobin breathed, wiggling his brows. “But we have five now, what’s one more?”

Narrowing your eyes you tugged him closer by his shirt. “We thought we were done after Mina.”

He shrugged, the air growing heavier around you. “Yeah, well, my guys are persistent, what can I say?” Sharing a quiet laugh, you shook your head.

“I don’t want anymore surprises,” you whispered, giving him a look. “My life has been too full of them.”

Studying you for a few seconds, his resting smile warming your heart, he nodded. “Agreed.”

Taking a deep breath you nodded toward the living room. “Shall we wake everyone up? Give this chaos a head start?”

Soobin shut his eyes for a moment, soaking in the peace and quiet that was this morning, then he looked at you and nodded. “Unleash them. I’ll get our two, you figure out which kid that is and find his brother.”

Not looking forward to the fury about to be released on the house from the snoozing children that the three of you tried your hardest to keep awake last night so they’d sleep on the plane today and not reign terror over the other passengers, it had to be done. Taehyun, Kai, Hyunjin and Felix would be arriving shortly, you planned to be prepared to walk out of the door by the time they pulled up to the house. 

Because everything always goes according to plan.

Breaking from Soobin with the smallest kiss with the most power, you sprung off of one another with a collective fire in your shared energy. Mere minutes alone were enough to fuel you for most of the day, connecting with him at the start and the end, it was all the two of you needed to be able to stay afloat when four pairs of tiny hands tried to pull you under. 

Tiptoeing through the kitchen and into the living room, unsure why you were keeping quiet when the boys needed to be on their feet ten minutes ago, you rounded the couch and felt your heart squeeze between your lungs. Coming to a stop behind the arm rest, looking down at Beomgyu snuggled up with one of his sons, one you couldn’t figure out at the moment, the sight of their arms intertwined and their hearts facing one another, something you’ve witnessed many times before, it sunk your stomach to your knees.

Messy hair on both their heads, a matching color, you and Soobin have noted a plethora more similarities between the boys and their father now that he was actively by their side as often as he could be. 

Eyelashes splayed across Beomgyu’s cheeks made your thumbs tuck into your palms, your fingers wrapping around it. Too many times the digit softly drug across those wispy lashes while he slept, unknowing of all the times you’ve sat or laid beside him admiring his beauty. Lashes on cheekbones that appeared in his twenties, pink lips as full as the day you met him, a jaw chiseled and sharp-

“Mama.” A face finally peeked out of the cocoon his father had him wrapped in. The voice that came out of him was gentle, small, cautious yet full of certainty. Nothing like the shout that echoed down the stairs. You would’ve smiled if Beomgyu didn’t stir, you found the twin who loves mornings almost as much as he loves you.

“Hi, Sun,” you smiled, keeping your voice quiet, hoping to get the boy up and out of range before Beomgyu opened his eyes.

Pushing his hair from his face, blinking a few thousand times, Sunoo smiled back at you and held out his arms. Coming to his side you reached down for him but found it near impossible to get your hands on him without prying Beomgyu’s arm off of him first. You could scoop your hands under his shoulders and hike him out, but his fathers forearm blocked you. You could go for his hips, slide him out from under his arm, but Beomgyu’s knees were pulled up and you’d wind up with your hand stuck somewhere it shouldn’t be.

“When are we leaving, Mama,” Sunoo asked, maneuvering his hands out of the pile he was in to rub his fingers over his eyes. “Today we leave. Are we going now?” He latched his hands onto Beomgyu’s arm, trying to push it off of himself, in turn making his father stir once more, and to your demise, opening his eyes.

“Yes, we are leaving today,” you kept your voice low, your eyes on your son, “C’mere, let’s eat something for breakfast.”

Beomgyu, like Sunoo, took a hand to his eyes, rubbing them both as he made the same morning face, eyebrows raised while squinting in the sunlight. His son looked up at him, his hair more of a mess than it was while he was sleeping. 

“Hi, Dad,” he said, a smile appearing on his squishy cheeks. Beomgyu smiled, then let out the huskiest laugh, his morning voice and morning hair and morning eyes all extremely overwhelming. Your stomach did a cartwheel. “We have to leave today.”

“I know,” Beomgyu said, voice gravelly, just above a whisper. His gaze traveled up to you and his smile relaxed into one of civility. “Good morning,” he whispered this time, not letting his eyes linger on yours for too long. He sat up and took Sunoo with him. “Come on,” he said, taking his boy under the arms, lifting him to place him on his feet, “Listen to Mom.”

In his pajama set covered in planets and stars and spaceships and galaxies, Sunoo reached for your hand, wrapping his fingers around two of yours. “Chan is in our room?” he asked like he wasn’t the one to wander over here at some point in the night to curl up on the couch with Beomgyu.

Without a word exchanged between you or his father, you turned and guided the little one into the kitchen. “I hope he is,” you said, and heard Beomgyu snicker from the couch. “That’s probably him running around down there,” the shouting hadn’t ceased, and now it was accompanied by the thudding of footsteps echoing up the steps, “Daddy should be getting him dressed.”

“I should get dressed, too,” Sunoo said, laying both of his hands over his pajama shirt. Looking up at you with the widest eyes, tiny eyebrows raised and disappearing beneath his hair, he whispered, “Are we going to match?”

From the corner of your eye you found Beomgyu cleaning up the couch, folding blankets, reorganizing the pillows. “You don’t have to match if you don’t want to match,” you offered, pulling out a chair from the kitchen table by the sliding back door. “We’ll get you dressed after you eat something.”

“But, Chan is getting dressed now,” Sunoo said, unmoving.

“Yes,” you nodded, “You know Chan gets dressed right away after he wakes up.”

Sunoo thought to himself, remembered his brother's routine on his own, then nodded with you. His feet brought him over to the chair you pulled out for him and he climbed into it, one knee at a time. “He wakes up,” he said, tapping his fingers on the dark wood after you pushed him in, “He Words,” you smiled and Beomgyu laughed under his breath, “Sometimes he yells,” Sunoo spoke like he was reading a list, maybe even singing it with how his voice hit peaks and valleys, “He picks his clothes,” you came back to him with a Lunchables in your hand, one you knew he wouldn’t complain about, “Thank you,” he sang within his song, both you and Beomgyu laughing this time, “Then, he eats breakfast, and he has his medicine.”

“Good job,” you whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “Do you want me to help you open that?”

“No,” the boy said, taking the plastic cover in between two fingers, attempting to rip it off himself. “I can do it, Mama, thank you.”

“You’re welcome, Sun.”

Voices echoed down the hallway, from beings tall and small. Recognizing Soobin’s footsteps and the little voices that accompanied him, you whirled around with a smile, ready to get your hands on the rest of your babies, but Beomgyu had stepped into the kitchen at the same time. With the quietest yelp from both of you, you caught one another within your hands and leapt away just as quickly. The tiniest apology spewed from both your lips as you hurried away from each other.

“What are you eating?” Chan’s voice boomed into the kitchen. Two inches taller than his twin, his hair was longer and he was much stronger. Rounding the island, hoping to hug him, or get something out of him, he bounded by you, tunnel vision, focused on his brother and the pancake in his hand. When he reached the table he peeked under Sunoo’s arm and said, “I want this, too,” turning around toward the three adults who now stood in the kitchen.

Beomgyu moved around quietly, making himself a cup of coffee, letting you and Soobin hold onto the reins for the time being, something that didn’t bother the three of you. This house was yours, it belonged to you and Soobin, you’ve been the boys parents for five years, you and Soobin were in charge. Soobin who now stood at the end of the hallway with one of his kids on either hip.

Mina on the right, the four year old in a silky purple nightgown that truly was nearing the end of its life- but she wouldn’t let it go- and Wonwoo on the left, the two year old in a diaper and long sleeved shirt. When your baby found you he broke into a smile so big it trumped any other. Heart melting as he reached out his arms, you rushed to Soobin’s side and let your toddler jump into your arms, clinging to you, burying his face in your neck.

“Good morning, my baby,” you whispered, squeezing him just tight enough. Mina, with her eyes narrowed on her brothers, taking after Chan in the mornings, gave you a look after you said, “Hi, Mina.”

“Hi,” she said, her eyebrows drawn low. “How come Sunoo was here?” she asked, pointing to the twin at the table.

Smoothing a hand over Wonwoo’s back, you glanced at the boys who were now talking to Beomgyu while he situated Chan with some breakfast, and said, “He got up early.” She pouted, unsatisfied with your answer.

Sunoo wasn’t the only one accustomed to the morning routine, Mina knew how it all went down. Either you or Soobin went to the boys first, down into their bedroom that had been situated downstairs in the basement, the coolest room for the twins to grow into, and then it was up the stairs to get Mina and Wonwoo, if the baby wasn’t the first one up. He was definitely the calmest of your children, your toddler was, even if he woke up hours before you he was perfectly capable of keeping himself busy in his room or in his bed. 

“He didn’t wake me up,” Mina said, tone slurring with the subtlest whine.

Soobin smiled and started for the kitchen table with you on his heels. “I’m sorry, Meens,” he said, giving a good morning nod to Beomgyu, the twins' dad clearing the boy's trash from the table, “Here, sit next to him while you eat.” Lifting her out of his arms and into the chair next to her big brother, Mina and Sunoo shared the sweetest little laugh. Chan, sitting across from Sunoo, offered Mina some of his breakfast, holding up the snacks for her to check them out. 

“Take this one,” you mumbled to Soobin, shifting Wonwoo, who didn’t want to let go of you, into his arms. “Chan, I have some more for her,” you said, and turned directly into Beomgyu again. He was simply trying to move by you, with one of the boys cups in his hand. While Soobin situated Wonwoo into the highchair on the other side of the table, you finally took a second to acknowledge Beomgyu, and he did the same, both of you shaking your heads with the smallest of laughs. 

He didn’t say anything. He moved around you swiftly, not lingering for any longer than he should. Setting Sunoo’s cup in front of him, the boy grabbing it after a thank you, Beomgyu ruffled his hair and ducked back into the kitchen, avoiding you, avoiding Soobin, becoming aware of where he was moving and how. Pulling open one of the cabinets, Beomgyu rifled around for a few seconds and Chan’s ears pricked up. Amongst the chatter, the food being shared, Soobin feeding Wonwoo, you making sure Mina didn’t throw anything on the floors you were hoping to keep clean before you left, Chan could hear what his father was doing.

Leaping to his feet, the chair he was in pushed back with lightning speed, he took off and wound up at Beomgyu’s feet, standing on them, wiggling his way between the counter and his fathers legs. “Me too, me too,” he babbled, his hands reaching up for the plastic Beomgyu tried to hide in the palm of his hand. “Dad, I can have one, can I have one?”

“This one’s for me,” Beomgyu said to him, looking straight down at him, upside down. The boy stuck out his bottom lip, making his father laugh. “Don’t give me that, it won’t work. It’s too early.”

“Chan, come sit,” you called over to him, your six year old peeking at you from behind Beomgyu’s sweats. Meeting his pleading gaze, you gestured to his chair with a nod of your head. “Come on, finish your food.”

“But, I want candy,” he whined, grabbing onto Beomgyu’s legs. When his father turned around, he gave you a look, a white stick poking out from between his lips. “A lollipop.”

“You heard Dad, it’s too early,” you said, and Chan whined even louder. 

“I want some too,” he stomped his feet, “Why can Dad have it?”

Beomgyu closed his eyes for all of three seconds. Leaving Mina’s side, loosely trusting she’d keep her spot clean, you followed Beomgyu down the hallway after he scooped Chan up into his arms. Sitting him down on the staircase at the end of it, Beomgyu squatted down in front of him. You did the same, fighting to keep an inch of space between your arms.

“Hey,” you said gently, holding out a hand for Chan to take. Beomgyu offered one and he took it in the other. The pout he wore tugged at your heart, you knew Beomgyu felt the same. Soobin was typically the strong one in these scenarios, able to speak to the kids without their puppy dog eyes affecting the lesson he tried to get across, but now, or more recently at least, when dealing with Chan, it came down to you and Beomgyu.

Which you still weren’t sure was right or not.

“Chan,” Beomgyu started, his boy watching him, stars in his eyes. At this point, to Chan, Beomgyu was the coolest guy in the world. Words he’s actually spoken. “Do you remember what we told you?”

“About Dad’s candy?” you offered, hoping to trigger the memory in your son who’s brain only latched to things that mattered most to him. “Why he needs it more often than we do?”

Chan raised his shoulders, a bashfulness creeping over him. Looking between the two of you, he nodded. “Yeah,” he said, quieter than you’ve ever heard him before. “It helps like my medicine helps me.”

“Right,” you smiled, “Good job. What else helps Dad?” Beomgyu’s gaze fell to the stairs, though his fingers tightened around Chan’s.

“Gum,” your son said, his lips perking up. “But, I can’t chew that,” he said matter-of-factly, “Or Sunoo, or Mina. Wonwoo is a baby, he can’t have it.” Chan tapped his feet on the stairs. “You love candy, Dad, candy makes you happy.”

Beomgyu lifted his eyes, smiling as he did. “You know what else makes me happy?” Chan tilted his head. “You make me happy,” he said, shaking Chan’s hand, making him giggle, “You and your brother.”

“And Mina and Wonwoo?” he asked, bouncing where he sat.

“Of course,” Beomgyu answered without missing a beat. 

Chan lifted up your hand in the air. “And Mama? And Daddy?”

Smiling wider, Beomgyu nodded. “Yeah,” he breathed. “Now don’t tell anyone else I have this,” Beomgyu moved the lollipop around in his mouth, “Go finish your breakfast, we have to leave so soon.”

“Okay, okay, okay!” Chan bolted from the stairs, ripping his hands from yours, leaving you both behind before you had the chance to say another word. He snuck out from between your bodies, leaving in a flash, both you and Beomgyu turned toward one another to watch him climb back into his seat at the table. 

“That gets easier each time,” Beomgyu mumbled. 

“Thank god,” you whispered.

Your eyes met, facing one another, still squatted on the floor, your eyes met and all hints of any emotion were wiped from existence. Neither of you dared to look elsewhere, not at any other part of his face, your face, his being, your own, you were always strictly on eyes. Some days it felt like a fight, for both of you. You could feel it on him.

“Okay,” you sighed, standing to your feet, Beomgyu following a few seconds after. You didn’t need to know what he chose to look at when you weren’t looking at him. “Why don’t you shower and get ready,” you said, starting down the hallway, “Taehyun’s gonna tell me they’re on their way any second.” Turning to head back toward the kids, you caught a glimpse of his smirk that had you hurrying back toward him. “Oh my god,” you breathed, holding up your hands, “I’m sorry.” Thankfully he laughed. “I just kid’d you, Gyu, what the fuck?”

“Habit,” he shrugged, flicking the lollipop around his teeth with his tongue. “It’s okay. I am gonna shower, though.”

“Okay,” you said, shaking your head. Backing away from him, you whispered one more, “I’m sorry,” before turning your back.

“S’okay, Mommy,” he muttered, laughing even harder at the glare you threw over your shoulder.

Taehyun breezed around the kitchen island, one arm wrapped around Mina on his hip and the other pulling down sippy cups from the cabinets. The four year old clung to the collar of the cut off shirt he wore, the front plastered with white and grey graffiti letters, one of his bands he liked, one you didn’t recognize.

He and Kai left their luggage on the porch, three suitcases between the two of them that Kai pulled out of the back of the Jeep and carried himself while your brother scurried up the concrete steps to get his hands on his niece screaming his name from the screen of the front door.  Greeting your family, you and Soobin hugging each of your best friends tight, then swapping to hug the other, hushed whispers over the kids heads of how is he? and, what’s today like? were shared. Cheeks flushing at each one, you simply smiled and gave them your best, he’s good.

Which wasn’t a lie.

Within seconds Mina was on Taehyun’s hip, Sunoo wrapped himself around Kai’s leg and Chan followed them around babbling to his Uncle about the breakfast they’d had, and Wonwoo was where anyone could find him at all times, clinging to your chest.

Last minute things were to be taken care of before Hyunjin and Felix arrived to join the ride to the airport, three out of four kids needed to be dressed, the luggage had to be packed into the car, Soobin needed to lock and secure the house, and you had to get over your fear that someone would be left behind like Kevin McCallister. With the kids occupied Soobin took the time to throw himself into a t-shirt and form fitting joggers, elongating his already impossibly long legs, he kissed you for ten seconds while you were half dressed, your own t-shirt in your hand, then left you to do one last onceover of the house. 

Beomgyu rejoined the chaos, his hair half dry, and caught on to the fatherly duties that remained. Taehyun whispered in his ear as they hugged one another, making Beomgyu’s gaze dance around the twins pulling on Kai’s shorts. Mina touched Beomgyu’s damp hair and giggled, Taehyun making her laugh even louder as he gave her a silly look and pretended to drop her before bouncing her on his hip.

Quietly, with only the slightest bit of apprehension in his brow, Beomgyu crouched beside Sunoo, a gentle hand touching his back. His son looked at him, a smile on his lips as he showed his dad his Uncle Kai, the boy proud and excited that he was finally here. Giving him every ounce of acknowledgment, feeding into his excitement, Beomgyu was able to persuade him off of Kai and down into his bedroom to get dressed, hand in hand. Chan watched them as they paraded down, eyes sharp, needing to know. Sunoo lead Beomgyu, one step ahead, unknowing that his twin hurried behind them.

Kai adjusted his clothes the boys disheveled and smiled at Taehyun as he laughed. “Should we go help him?”

Taehyun furrowed his brow and shook his head, wide sparkling smile evident. “Nah, he’ll be fine.” 

Looking at Mina content on Taehyun’s hip, Kai’s smile was downturned. “I can’t believe I’ve been replaced.”

Taehyun blinked. He looked at Mina. She looked back. They both looked at Kai. “Who are you talking to right now?” 

Kai narrowed his eyes, and whispered, “Who do you think?” 

Taehyun opened his mouth, his smirking lips ready with a comeback, but your footsteps down the hallway spun them both around.

“Okay,” you sighed. Dressed and ready, your hair had been pulled back, up and out of the way. You were set to get your tornados out of the house. Pausing at the end of the hall, hands still smoothing back your hair, you glanced down the basement stairs at the lights that were on and the voices that echoed up. Taking into account who stood in the living room, your eyes flickered their way and they all smiled, even Mina. “He’s dressing Sunoo?”

Taehyun nodded. “All by himself.” Kai shot him a side eye. 

Hands dropping to your heart, you listened a few seconds longer, Beomgyu reciprocating the energy the boys gave to him. The moments he stepped up to do things himself were rare, you wished he took them more, but when they happened they were oh so special.

Soobin skipped down the stairs, Wonwoo dressed for the warm weather on his hip. “Alright, Mama, he’s back and he wants you.” 

You turned around with a smile, Soobin standing as close as possible to you. Matching your expression, he questioned you with a tilt of his head. “Listen,” you whispered, nodding toward the basement, holding open your hands for Wonwoo to climb into. The baby laid his head on your shoulder, tiny fists grabbing onto the t-shirt you put on. Soobin’s shirt.

Lifting his eyes to the living room, your husband took recon. “Is he getting them ready?” 

“Sunoo, yeah,” you said. “I guess Chan went with them.”

“Did he ask Chan to go too?” Soobin asked the men in the living room. They both shook their heads when you turned around.

“He followed them down without saying anything,” Kai said with a small smile.

Soobin lowered his brows and scoffed. “That’s new.”

“He doesn’t do that?” Taehyun asked.

“That’s not his routine,” you answered. “Once he’s out of his bedroom he doesn’t like to go back in until it’s time for bed. It’s new.”

Soobin smiled down at you. “It’s a win.”

“It’s Beomgyu,” Taehyun said, quietly.

Your smile faltered, sharing a moment with Soobin who took you in his arms. Pressing a kiss to the top of your head, ensuring he didn’t squish Wonwoo, he took his lips to your ear and whispered, “This is good. It’s all going to be fine.”

“We don’t know what he’s putting on him,” you whispered, your eyes widening. Soobin flattened his smile.

“Fae, you laid out his clothes last night,” he said. “And, it’s Sunoo, he knows what he’s supposed to be wearing.” Taking a hand to your cheek, he squished it between his finger and thumb and made a face. “They’re okay.”

Your stomach sank. “That’s not what I’m worried about,” you whispered. “I know they’re okay, I’m not trying to say that they’re not, I just-”

“Faden,” Soobin said gently with a raise of his brows, his hand smoothing over your skin. “We are all here,” he gestured behind him to Kai and Taehyun who were now playing with Mina on the living room floor, “Everything is going to be fine. I’ll make sure of it.”

You could trust that he meant it. Every single word out of his mouth had always been the utter truth. Every promise made, he kept it.

“Okay,” you whispered, standing to your tiptoes to kiss him. In just a few hours you’d be able to do this without interruption, time for the two of you to spend together, husband and wife. You yearned for the time, and you know Soobin did too. Your relationship lacked honeymoon time since the start, you were both thrown into the horrors of parenting mere months after you said I Do. This vacation, this time together, it was important, it was needed.

“Mama!” Chan shouted from the bottom of the stairs, his little voice reaching you and Soobin in the doorway.

“Mama and Daddy!” Sunoo cheered.

Breaking from Soobin, a smile lit up your face, but the moment you looked down the stairs it wiped away. The twins walked up the stairs as fast as they could, their hands dragging along the walls or using the stairs in front of them to aid their climb. Behind them stood Beomgyu, at the bottom, in his signature getup, baggy jeans and t-shirt still too big for him. He watched, his gaze soft, but when you met his eyes he blinked and glanced away, focusing on the boys, their mindless chatter filling the air.

“Are you guys all dressed and ready?” Soobin asked, both of you stepping back from the stairs as the three of them reached the top. Sunoo spun around confidently, showing off his shorts and his shirt.

“Me too, me too,” Chan said, spinning around like his brother, just much faster, his arms bouncing all about. 

Taking them both in as Soobin and Beomgyu spoke, you noticed that Chan was in an entirely different outfit, all the way down to his socks.

“Good job boys, can you go put your shoes on? Ask if Kai can help you.” Glancing into the living room you watched his black curls pop up from behind a couch, his lips in a line. The twins, with a shout from each of them, ran past their fathers down the hall, disappearing around the corner.

Soobin grabbed your attention with a raise of his hand and pointed to the phone in Beomgyu’s hand. “Hyunjin,” he said.

“They’re on their way,” Beomgyu said, meeting your eyes for a few seconds before responding to what you assumed was a message from his cousin. His lips pursed while he typed, his thumbs taking their time to type out a text, where yours or Soobins could fly a mile a minute. Dark brows furrowing slightly in concentration, he took calculated deep breaths, like his entire respiratory system worked manually.

A being who had to relearn ways of life that weren’t too kind to him the first time around. Everything came a bit harder to him, took him longer to figure out, and now, after making it even worse for himself, he had to do it all over again.

Soobin stepped away to gather Mina, preparing her to walk out the door, leaving you and Beomgyu in the hall. It took him a few tries to pull her away from Taehyun, but he did, using one hand to strap sandals on her feet and the other to help Kai with the boy's sneakers.

“How’d you do it?” you asked, Beomgyu lifting his head in question. “Chan, you redressed him, how?”

He barely moved. “I found the clothes in his drawer, said they were cool, and he wanted to wear them,” he said, like it was normal. The youngest of your twins, his routine, his way of life, it was far from normal. But, it was normal to him. For him. “Why?”

“We can’t ever get him to do that,” you said, and it took him a second to understand what you meant. “It’s why he gets dressed before breakfast, too, he won’t go into his bedroom until it’s time for bed.”

“I know that,” Beomgyu nodded once, narrowing his eyes. “I was the one who told you to do that, Faden. That’s what I had to do growing up, you know, until shit got messed up.”

Screwing your face up as he spoke, his tone driving directly under your skin, you scoffed. “I know. I just-”

“Just what?” He took a step closer, his entire being softening. “Surprised that I understand him?” His eyes were hot on yours. “Taehyun told me to take Sunoo to get dressed, so don’t get excited that I did it myself. I don’t deserve points that don’t really count.” He turned and you followed him out of the hallway.

“Beomgyu, you don’t need to have any points,” you said, shadowing him to the cabinets in the kitchen where he pulled out another lollipop. “That mentality, it doesn’t work here, you know that.” He tore the wrapper off and rounded the island to toss it into the trash. “Whether Taehyun told you to do something or not, that’s not what it’s about.” The candy smacked against his teeth as his tongue flicked it around.

Flashing you half a smile, he said, “But, it is.”

“I don’t like that,” you said quietly, folding your arms over your chest. “That’s not like you. That’s never been you, not even ten years ago.”

Rolling his eyes he brushed by you to collect the kids cups off the counter, then started for the front door. “Don’t talk to me about ten years ago,” he said over his shoulder with a clench of his jaw.

Lining the cups along the luggage’s that waited to be carried outside, Beomgyu knelt down beside Kai and took Chan’s shoelaces from Soobin’s hands, shooting him a smile as your husband sighed with a hurried thank you, giving him both hands to deal with Mina kicking her feet about. Joining them, trailing right behind Beomgyu, you took a hand to Kai’s shoulder, handed him Wonwoo, and nudged him out of the way, the titan of a man standing to his feet, confused, but letting you wiggle your way to the floor to help Sunoo with his shoes. Taehyun waved his hand, beckoning him closer, whispering to him.

“Boys, I have a question,” you said. Beomgyu snickered under his breath. Soobin gave you a look under Beomgyu’s chin, just above Chan’s head. The twins answered with a dual, yes, Mama? “What do we do when we have big feelings about something?”

“Talk!” Chan shouted, proud of himself, his smile evident of that fact.

Sunoo pouted his lips. “I was going to say that.”

“It’s okay, Sun,” you nodded. “Good job, Channie. If we’re having big feelings we talk it out. Respectfully? Or, with fighting?”

Sunoo shot his hand in the air before Chan could get the word out. “Respect.”

“Oh, good job,” you smiled, ruffling his hair after his shoes were tied. Glancing over to Chan’s shoes and Beomgyu’s hands, you heard him laugh to himself, like you were checking his work.

“Boys,” he said, reaching for the stick in his mouth, pulling the candy out from between pursed lips with a pop. Soobin glanced up again, confused as ever. “What if somebody doesn’t want to talk yet?” The twins tilted their heads to the side, the same way, hanging onto every word that came out of their fathers mouth. “They know they should, ‘cause it’s been a while, but they just aren’t ready to yet.”

“But, they know they can come to you whenever they want, there’s no rules, they want an open line of communication, because that’s so important.” Turning your head to look at him, he was already glaring your way. Chan and Sunoo watched the two of you like a tennis match, their heads bouncing back and forth each time one of you opened your mouth.

A wickedness flashed in his eyes, a ten years ago wickedness. The smile that accompanied it turned your knees to jelly. “They need time, they need to adjust,” he snapped. “It’s been one year, one really hard-”

“You think I don’t know that?” Jumping to your feet, he followed you, springing up at once. “Me, of all people?” Soobin circled around the two of you, eyes on alert. Taehyun hurried around the couches, taking to Beomgyu’s side.

“I dunno, you got your hands pretty full, don’t you?” He allowed Taehyun to wrap a hand around his thin wrist.

Scoffing, a guttural laugh following, you said, “I do, thanks to you.”

Taehyun shot you a look. “Come on,” he said to Beomgyu, tugging him toward the front door. “Walk away, we’ll come back.” He listened to him, and you threw your hands out in front of you.

“Ten years ago,” you said through a harsh whisper, and then they were gone.

Chan and Sunoo stared up at you, waiting to see what you’d do next, their little brains trying their hardest to figure out what the hell just happened in front of them. Mina had wandered over to Kai at some point, your friend holding one of your babies in his arms and the other by the hand, her fingers wrapped around one of his.

Smoothing his hands over your shoulders Soobin leaned into you from behind and pressed a kiss to your earlobe, then your cheek. “Take a deep breath,” he whispered, and you listened. “One more.” And you did, calming yourself, knowing your littles were watching. “Do you need to talk about this now, or later?”

“Later,” you said, looking down at your boys. “I’m sorry,” you said to them, and they both stood up in front of you.

“What happened?” Chan asked, reaching for the belt loops on your shorts. 

Sunoo folded his hands together over his front. “Are you mad at Dad?”

“I’m not mad at him,” you said, and their little brows twisted with curiosity.

“Then, why did you fight?” Chan asked.

Sunoo looked at him. “They argued, they did not fight. Like us.” He peered up toward you. “Why did you argue?”

“I don’t…” Voice trailing off, you glanced back toward Soobin, then back down at the boys and shrugged. “I don’t know.” Soobin’s hands tightened on your shoulders. “We have to talk, and we will, and we’ll apologize to each other. It’ll be okay.”

Sunoo reached for one of your hands. “Can we help you?”

Giving him a tightlipped smile, you took his hand and shook your head. “Thank you for offering, but me and Dad have to talk it out by ourselves.”

“Okay,” Sunoo said with the smallest pout.

“Why don’t you guys take your backpacks outside, Hyunjin and Felix are almost here,” you said, and they jumped a mile, their faces lighting up. Their sneakers lit up as they ran about the hardwood floor, grabbing their cups off of their suitcases that their father gathered for them, helping each other put their backpacks on, and out the front door to wherever Taehyun and Beomgyu had ended up.

Soobin dug his thumbs into your shoulders, massaging the muscles as he whispered, “Do you?”

Fluttering your eyes shut, melting backward into his touch, you said, “Do I what?”

He nuzzled his cheek to yours. “Have to talk it out by yourselves?” You turned in his hold and met his eyes glazed over with nerves. “What was that?”

“Soob, I don’t know,” you whispered, wrapping your arms around his waist, laying your head on his chest. You found Kai in the living room, on the floor, both Mina and Wonwoo climbing on him somehow. “I don’t like what I said.”

“You have to tell him that,” he said, running his hands in circles over your back. “Whether it’s now, or when we land, it has to happen today. Don’t let this linger.”

The front door swung open, Taehyun popping his head in. “They’re pulling up now.”

“Thank you,” Soobin said to him with a smile, you could hear it. “Come on,” he said to you once the door was shut, “Time to squish Kai between the carseats.”

You both laughed, but Kai groaned aloud, a laugh sneaking out at the same time. “Faden’s turn, I’ll sit up front.”

“No, no!” Pulling away from Soobin you took yourself into the living room and reached down for Wonwoo who bounced on the floor, his arms open for you to grab. “I was back there for Mina’s birthday, it’s your turn Huening, hope you brushed up on your dino facts, that’s all Chan wants to talk about now. Sunoo knows all the answers,” you smiled at his pout, “Good luck!”

Straddling his lap in nothing but underwear, him in his unzipped ripped jeans, your hands raked through thick hair, tugging at the strands, pushing it off of his forehead, keeping him pinned to the back of the couch. Groans trapped in his chest escaped him in whines, brows cinched over top of brown eyes too deep and screwed shut. He writhed beneath you, trapped on the velvet of the cushions you helped him pick out, gasping in hazy, smokey air between kiss after heavy kiss. 

Hands splayed over your bare back, his fingers kept you pressed to his bare chest, leaving marks in their wake as his touch traveled the expanse of skin free for him to explore. Parting from his lips with a smack, driving your sloppy kisses down his jaw, over his earlobe, to the valley of his neck, a moan came out of both of you at once as he thrust his hips up into you, one strip of very wet, very soiled fabric in the way of what you both wanted but were too lazy to take care of.

Bodies too heavy, the weight of the smoke, the weight of your lust, you’d both finished once already, him just before you, you coaxing it out of him with endless praise, endless begs for him to give it to you, to make a mess. He’d taken his hands to your hips, groaning aloud, always shameless when it came to being heard, and he gripped your curves, thrust up against you, pushing his cum into your panties, spewing dirty words from his lips he knew would push you over the edge, would have you pulling his hair until tears welled in his eyes and your body shook and melted into his as if trying to become one.

“‘M gonna cum again,” you mumbled into his neck, teeth pulling at his skin. 

A whimper left him as he sighed and shifted his hands, fingers dancing over your skin with care before he slapped your thighs and gripped your hips, a snicker tumbling through his parted lips at your yelp, one surprised, yet pleased. 

“Fuck yes,” he whispered through grit teeth.

Grinding down on him, his length throbbing already, begging for more, he pushed up into you, more friction, his hands, his heady grasp on the dip above your thighs guiding you, moving you in ways he knew would spark your high. Arms tightening around his neck, your lips found his, lost in sloppy, hot, open mouthed kisses. Hips thrown in a circle three times, clit rubbing his tip deliciously, the loss of warmth from him taking his hands off of you went unnoticed. 

Smirking between shared air, tongue darting out to press to yours, his voice sent a shiver down your spine. “Gonna cum humping me like a fuckin’ dog, baby.” Blinking down at him your hips slowed. About to sit back on his knees, he stopped you, his arms caging you against him as he laughed. “Nah.” Kissing you roughly, his palms laid out over the curve of your ass once more and gripped you tighter. “You’re gonna make yourself cum, pup, let’s fuckin’ go.” 

“Gyu.”

He smiled, guiding your hips back in a circle, your thighs and core tensing at once. Tipping your head backward, your body finding a rhythm, moving on its own, fueled by pure pleasure and nothing more, he gripped your jaw with a grunt, pulling your focus back down.

“Look at me.”

Nudging noses, panting into his mouth, catching his lips in imperfect kisses, you moved, you moved, you pressed into him harder, faster, his own eyes rolling backward, fingernails digging into your thighs. Rutting up into you he released a victorious laugh that turned into a moan as you fell into him, legs tightening around his waist, body rolling into his, electricity shooting through your veins.

Sliding one hand between your legs without a care that you were still trembling, still cumming, he tugged your panties aside and lifted you up, settling you back down, sheathing himself within you. Gasping, shaking all over again, you grabbed his shoulders and bounced on him twice. So big, but such a perfect fucking fit, a much needed stretch. 

“Good girl, god damn,” he muttered, watching you move. One hand smacked your ass this time, but not as hard, he was focused elsewhere. “Fuck.” Breaths shallow, he closed his eyes for a few seconds.

Pushing his hair from his forehead, you drug your tongue over his parted lips, tracing over his teeth and breathed through a laugh. “Gonna cum?”

His eyes shot open, a newfound darkness within them. He knew you knew, this wasn’t something you could hide from one another anymore. He had minutes left, seconds even. Wrapping his arms around your back, that goddamned lazy smile hit his lips. “Why, you want it?”

You loosed a breath. “Yes.”

With a sloppy kiss he flipped you over, taking his hands to your ankles pushing them back. He never left you once. Knees on the cushions, he tossed your legs over his shoulders and thrust himself on top of you, hands gripping the back of the couch for some sort of stability. 

Relentless. Insatiable. Unforgiving.

Sinful, so disgustingly delicious, the way he moved, the way he could make you sound, the way he sounded, you could barely breathe. His lips brushed over yours, teeth clashing, each of you catching nips of tongue, of lips, of exposed sensitive skin. 

Sweaty, the room going entirely blurry, he had more than minutes in him. It wasn’t until tears brimmed your eyes and your third orgasm made itself known that his hips stuttered. Laying you down, hands taking to the backs of your knees, spreading them further, he lowered himself on top of you and engulfed your lips with a kiss, slipping one hand between your legs to tease your clit, every moan into his mouth, down his throat telling him it was there, do not stop, and he didn’t. 

Even when your lips parted from his and you cried out his name, fingernails leaving lines down his back as you convulsed, vision going white, he didn’t stop.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he panted as you squeezed him, his hips pounding into you faster if it were possible, “You still want it?” he asked, voice gravelly, raspy, fucked out.

“Yes!”

“Fuck you full of my cum? That’s what you want?”

“Please.”

“My good fuckin’ girl, my good fucking girl,” he whimpered, “Take me so well, do so good for me, gonna fill you up, fuck, your pussy’s so good, so good, fuck, I love you…”

“Faden?” 

His voice shook you awake. Your husband.

Blinking over at him, an empty seat between you, a sleeping baby on his lap, you gulped.

“We’re getting ready to land,” he said, keeping his voice quiet. 

Glancing out the open window beside you, the clouds you flew over, beaches and cozy towns coming into view, you shifted in your seat. Sitting up a bit you counted your kids, one on Soobin’s lap, two coloring in books on the middle seat of the row behind you between Taehyun and Kai, and one on Kai’s lap, snuggled into his chest, her eyelashes fluttering as she blinked and watched her brothers color. 

“You okay?” Soobin asked you when you sat back down. 

You didn’t look for him. He was a few rows behind with Felix and Hyunjin. You did not need to see his face right after that. A memory. One you haven’t thought about since it happened. There were plenty of moments just like that one, you didn’t even need to remember it, you didn’t need to relive it, so why in the hell were you thinking about it? Half asleep, half in a daze, forgetting where you were, who you were with…

“I’m okay,” you said, reaching over to Wonwoo on his lap, fixing how his little t-shirt rolled up at the sleeves. “Weird nap dreams.” Shrugging the matter off, he didn’t pester you any longer about it. Peeking between the seats, you smiled at Kai and gestured toward the twins. “Can we have Chan back? We’re landing soon.” 

Three stories high. 

A porch wrapped around the entirety of the cream white home, accented with a pale blue around the window shutters, the potted plants along the extent of the porch and the stairs. A long driveway of pebbles pulled from the right side of the house, drawing down toward the gravel road where the van you’ve rented for the week pulled off and made your kids giggle with how they bounced.

Peering backward, Mina and Wonwoo strapped into car seats larger than the ones you owned at home, and Chan and Sunoo in the backseat per usual, seat buckled into their big kid chairs– certainly not the same car seats their siblings sat in, no way, no chance! – everyone wore a smile.

Maneuvering the airport went smoother than expected, no tears, no screams, no fights, no tantrums. The combined curiosity of the four of them, and Wonwoo’s nap schedule, kept everyone in line. The guys pulled suitcases, you carried Wonwoo so he could snooze on your shoulder, and Chan, Sunoo and Mina all held hands and waddled in front of you, leading you and your family straight out of baggage claim and into the steaming, fascinating air of Haos.

Chan, with eyes wider than his fathers, “Mama, it’s so hot!”

Sunoo, with eyebrows pulled into the center of his forehead, “Where are the palm trees? I thought there were palm trees…”

Mina, with her lip curled, her eyes narrowed at Chan, nodding her head, “Hot… hot…”

Packing them up in the van, buckling them in, you and Soobin appeased their questions, their comments, validated their feelings, their discomfort in the air much thicker than the air at home, and survived another half an hour to the house.

Two cars pulled behind yours, curving on the pebbles, forming a half circle over the spacious driveway. Kai and Taehyun in one, Felix, Hyunjin, and Beomgyu in the other.

You met his eyes from the front passenger seat he sat in, like you, and your heart skipped a beat. He slept on the plane, you saw it when you filed into the gate, while you wandered out of the airport. The exhaustion still lived in his face, his eyes, his cheeks. He pulled his hair back with a tie, strands dusting his forehead, his neck.

You ignored your dream.

If it even was a dream…

Blaming your tired, frazzled mind for wandering, for uncovering lost memories you’ve forced down, brushing them under the rug– a past you do not need to revisit, nor relive– you couldn’t shake the irritating frustration it left behind.

Having him here is good, this is a good thing. This is necessary for your kids, the kids you share with him. He deserved to be here. Reminding yourself it had nothing to do with his past, his illness, his actions, and everything to do with the unspoken, heavy feelings you both did nothing with– except fill your backseat with children– you could make it through this. 

Soobin reached for your hand and gave it a squeeze, one that said words he didn’t need to speak. “We ready?” He smiled and turned back to the kids who cheered, wriggling around in their carseats, anxious to break free and explore the house that lived mere feet off the beach.

Your eyes brushed over Hyunjin giving you the softest of smiles from the driver's seat of the car they were in before you twisted to face Soobin, shooting a beaming grin back at your babies. “Welcome to vacation!”

Chan tightened his fists and kicked his feet, Sunoo giggled, his eyes on his brother. Mina pushed herself forward in her carseat after a quick excited yelp and searched for Taehyun, or Kai, or both of them. She mumbled their names and tried to unbuckle her straps herself, which she did. Endless times you’ve had to fight her while driving, even on the highway, that those buckles were not to be touched, yet she did it anyway, with a shit-eating grin on her face. Wonwoo laid his head back and blinked, watching you and Soobin, his lips curling into a smile whenever your gaze passed over him.

“Are we ready?” Soobin asked you. You took a deep breath, giving your husband a look. Your gorgeous, kind, gentle husband. Always on time, always prompt, always there for you, always picking up what you forget, always on top of things even when you think you’re running the show…

Your stomach twisted, and he could feel it.

Leaning over the center console, you planted a kiss to his lips, the kids shouting in the background. Parting your lips to deepen it the slightest, Soobin smiled and slid a hand over your shoulder. 

“Fae,” he whispered, pulling away, blinking up at you, “We’re gonna be okay.”

Furrowing your brows, you opened your mouth to speak, but got cut by a tapping of fingers against the back window. Chan screamed, both boys whipping themselves toward the glass their father stood outside of. Beomgyu, a smile on his face, bit down on his bottom lip and popped his brows before he stuck his tongue out at both of them, and without fail, they copied him.

“Dad! Dad!” They both shouted, trying to speak to him, clicking their buckles, freeing themselves, pressing their cheeks to the window. Mina slid out of her carseat as well, teetering around the van, attempting to undo Wonwoo’s buckles.

“Mina,” you warned, and she shot you a glare. “Not the baby.”

Taehyun rounded both cars with bags over his shoulders mid-conversation with Felix, a supermodel of a man even at his age with long blonde hair brushing his shoulders. Mina spotted him and shrieked, a whine in the form of his name coming out of her.

Soobin sighed. Sharing a look, without saying anything, he rested a finger over the buttons for the doors and gave it a push, releasing the kids to the village you wouldn’t have made it this far without. Taking his hand to your cheek, brushing a thumb beneath your lashes, he kissed you, then waited for the car to clear, and he kissed you again. Voices echoed, getting further from the car, the kids and their little feet dashing over the pebbles, jumping up and down, asking endless questions…

“I’ll get Wonwoo,” you whispered, eyes half shut.

Soobin pulled away from you and glanced to his carseat, then over his shoulder out the window. “Someone’s got you beat.”

Following his gaze, you scoffed, and couldn’t help but smile. Cozied over his shoulder, laid across his chest, Wonwoo’s tiny hands clung to Beomgyu’s tee, your baby nestled against him without a care in the world, minutes from falling back asleep. It warmed your heart as much as it plagued you with guilt. Your, what you think you could call an argument, back at the house, before leaving, you haven’t spoken about it yet. The blatant irritation you threw directly into his face in front of your children, in front of Soobin, Kai, Taehyun…

“He didn’t have to-”

Soobin pinched your cheek. “Let him,” he said with a nod of his head, a reminder of words spoken in the past. “That’s his… olive branch, I don’t know, you know that. Plus…”

He never got to hold his babies.

“I know,” you whispered, watching him follow his friends and his cousins up the front porch stairs with an arm tucked under your boy and the other dragging over his back in soothing circles. You flickered your eyes over to Soobin who smiled at you. “I love you,” you whispered, and he blushed.

“I know.”

go to part two | masterlist

Standing on the grass between the street and the sidewalk with Wonwoo on your hip, the baby wearing the sweetest bucket hat, you kept a watchful eye over your troublemaker on the steps, the boy going full on Wreck-It Ralph in the backyard just a few minutes prior. An unsuspecting Mina, digging peacefully in the turtle shaped sandbox a foot away from the porch, she’d been strategically piling sand, building… something. Something she was obviously proud of, because when her brother leapt out of the pool, took a speedy lap around the twelve inch deep piece of plastic and jumped directly onto her masterpiece, the pure grief that flew from her mouth in a shout was loud enough to turn you, Soobin and Kai around.

It wasn’t entirely severe that the two needed to be separated, however Mina, about to turn three, only knew how to defend herself by yelling at her brother, which in turn became the both of them yelling at each other. Soon enough, within the milliseconds these incidents were shortening into, sand was flying and children were crying.

“Any day but today,” you mumbled to yourself, and inevitably Wonwoo who turned his head and his chubby cheeks to look up at you. Giving him a flat smile, you asked, “Didn’t I say that this morning, Nu?” The nine month old started to smile, making the smallest sound. His cheeks had rounded out these past few months, and his little lips liked to purse, the corners perking up.  “You look like your daddy.” Eyes flickering to the porch and the five year old now eating the popsicle sideways to keep it from melting down his arm, you sighed, unable to bite away your smile. “So does your brother.”

Living on a quiet street in the middle of the quaintest town in Sicuro, your house was the loud house. Now that your crew has grown by one since last summer, and though he was the quietest of your four, the older everyone got the louder they’d become. When you and Soobin had first moved in, the twins were just over a year old. This was the house you found out you were pregnant with Mina in, the sweet game you played in the kitchen with your boy’s one of your favorite memories.

In a house full of love you added two new little ones, and the older neighbors that surrounded you on all sides came to adore your family further. It truly was a spectacular place, Sicuro, a town so calm that it seemed to play a huge part in shifting your life around, your mentality. Away from the town you grew up in, away from your past, away from energies that blocked you from moving forward in any way, you and your family thrived. And the best part, Kai only lived ten minutes over.

Pushing the gate on the side of the house open, he came toward you now with a mean grip from your two year old on his ring finger. With a smile on his lips he looked at you and shook his head, dark curls dancing over his forehead. Only a few months younger than you, one would think he was years younger. The man was babyfaced beyond belief, throwing the rest of his wide, stocky exterior off balance. Kai had shoulders for days, and he was as tall as Soobin, just much larger. Matching Mina’s tiny strides, bent nearly in half to let her hold onto his hand, you couldn’t help but let out a laugh. 

“You’re a sucker Huening,” you said, and he bobbed his head with little hesitation, squeezing his eyes shut for all of two seconds.

“Can’t help it,” he smiled, glancing down at your daughter who scoped out the scene before her, daggers in her eyes pointing at Chan. “She gets me.” His light, melodic voice made Wonwoo coo, the baby holding out a hand toward the two of them.

All four of your kids have adored Kai since the day they met him. Soobin’s best friend since high school, you’ve never met another person as kind as him. Aside from Soobin himself. Kai quickly became one of your closest friends as well, he seemed to mesh perfectly in the craziness that became your life the year you married his best friend. He’s babysat since the boys were infants, he’s grocery shopped for you when both you, Soobin and the boys were down with the flu, he’s been a phone call away all these years. Nothing you could do to repay him for all he’s done, all he continues to do, could ever be enough.

“Not surprised she drug you out here instead of Soobin,” you said, starting up the sidewalk toward the front porch.

Kai quirked his brows for a moment, then said, “She was told to drag me out here.”

You shared a look, one you’ve been exchanging for a few days now behind your husband's back or between stories at work. Level headed in every way, Soobin was bound to crack at some point. He could withhold his true feelings as much as he wanted to keep the peace, but a day like today… You weren’t sure either of you were going to move forward with peace. The stress of organizing the day was enough to send Soobin into a panic attack, and though he maintained his strength for you, knowing you were equally a mess, even more so than himself, his anxiety had a strange way of manifesting itself.

For days he’d been shorter with you all, even the kids. Quieter than normal, Soobin wouldn’t withhold care or love, but he’d been keeping to himself. Even this morning, getting the kids up and ready for the day he was quiet, silent as the twins bossed him around and told him what they wanted to wear.

You knew exactly what he’d say if you were to tell him he shouldn’t have let them shove him around.

Their lives are about to change forever, they can wear the dirty swimsuits.

Though he was quieter he clung to you more. Over the last few weeks he’s been clingier, handsier without an explanation. You’ve joked that he better watch out, that you don’t have another room in the house for more kids to move into, and he’d laughed, still leaving you without an excuse. He didn’t have to give you one. You knew he was nervous.

Nervous for his kids, nervous for himself, nervous for you… Nervous it wouldn’t go well. Somewhere deep down, shadows of the past lingered, leaving him… nervous about it all.

That thought gutted you, deep, and it hurt like hell. It took a while for the wound to close, though Soobin made it seem effortless and moved on in a heartbeat. Today was going to bring up a shit ton of shit. And it already has.

“What was he doing?” Turning your head toward the end of your street, a black Jeep Wrangler wrapping around the corner, you took a breath and bounced Wonwoo higher on your hip. “Was he okay?” 

Kai shrugged his shoulders, making note of your step-brother pulling into the driveway and how Chan’s chin perked up. “He and Sunoo were straightening the yard up,” he said. The Jeep’s engine went quiet, then the doors popped open. “And Sun was reading him for filth, telling him that everything is going to be okay, Daddy, don’t worry.”

A sigh in the form of a laugh escaped you. “The intuition that kid has is crazy. That one on the other hand…” Shifting your focus to Chan, standing on the porch with his sticky fingers gripping the railing, popsicle stick left behind on the concrete, his eyes were full of stars, looking straight through you.

“Uncle Tae!” The five year old tried running past you, but your mom reflexes were sharper than ever now that you’ve got six years under your belt. Gripping his wrist, his sticky wrist, you kept him by your side.

“Hang on, Channie,” you said, full on mom voice coming out.

Behind you Taehyun breathed a laugh, then mumbled something inaudible to the guest he arrived with. With a boy on your hip and one in your hands, you turned around and flashed them both a tight lipped smile. The sight of your brother was ever so comforting, but the moment you took in the titan beside him in jeans and a t-shirt, his classic look, you felt weak. Like you could fall to your knees.

He was taking in the sight of your family, the boys, Mina, Kai. He studied each of you with a small smile, until his gaze found Chan. The smile wiped away in an instant.

“Hi, Jungkook,” you said with a nod. He’s never met your twins, his nephews. You knew damn well what he was thinking when he took in your little boy.

Spitting image.

Here was one of the men you’ve not seen in years. Six to be exact. A man who held a major spot of importance in your past, your years before children. He watched you grow up, he took care of you. Jungkook treated you like you were his own, he always did, no matter the circumstances. His opinion was valuable, what he thought of you still held the power to wreck you into pieces.

Standing here, now thirty six years old, his mothers brown eyes unable to grasp the fact that one of his brother's kids was staring up at him, Jungkook hadn’t changed a lick.

“That’s fu-” Cutting himself off, he glanced at you. “You cloned him.”

The words hit you where it hurt, breaking open where you hid your nerves for the day. You’ve been around Soobin too long, hiding emotions got harder and harder each day.

Wiggling Chan’s hand, you attempted a smile. “In every way.” Looking at your brother, who focused on Kai, who focused back on your brother, you sighed. “I don’t think I know what to do here.” 

The pure honesty had all three men turning your way. Chan nibbled on the tip of a finger and gazed up at Jungkook, the tattoos and piercings mesmerizing the five year old.

“Do what feels right,” Kai said quietly, repeating words Soobin once said as he scooped Mina off of her feet. Your daughter was also infatuated by the newest, prettiest man to appear.

Looking to Taehyun for more help, he had lowered his chin but was wearing a smile. As if he felt your eyes, he flickered his through his lashes and nodded, approving of what Kai had said.

Jungkook, patient and unmoving, watched and waited. Seeming to admire the baby on your hip and the other on Kai’s, you were dying to know what went through his mind. He was about to set foot in a house you and your husband were proud of, that you and your husband built for your family of six.

Adjusting your grip on one half of his nephew’s wrists, you realize in this moment, now that he was here, that he is a part of that family now. Jungkook was a member of your family, a helluva lot closer than the man who stood next to him. He and your kids shared blood.

“Who are you?” Chan spoke up, pointing at Jungkook with his other hand. Choking back a smile, Jungkook shot you a look. “What is that?” Chan touched his finger to the corner of his lip, taking two steps closer to Jungkook.

From your son to you, Jungkook's eyes danced. Giving him the smallest approval with a tilt of your head, you finally smiled, releasing your tiny terror from your hold.

“It’s a lip ring,” Jungkook said, squatting down as Chan walked over to him, still touching his own lips. “Like jewelry.” The closer the five year old got, the wider his eyes grew. “Does your mom wear earrings and stuff?” Jungkook gestured to his ears full of rings. Chan looked in awe, then nodded.

“Mama wears them,” he said, turning to point at you. “Daddy doesn’t.”

Jungkook’s happy aura faltered, everyone could feel it. Your boy said one word and it seemed to taint the energy.

“Uncle Tae does,” Kai spoke up, waving a hand toward your brother when your son looked at him. Taehyun, surprised, stood up straight and sighed. A soft smile lingered on his lips, him and Kai exchanging something before Mina tugged on his hair, stealing his attention.

“What is your name?” Chan asked his uncle, gripping the bottom of his tank with his sugary fingers. Face to face, the two watched each other with the same amount of know. Though they’ve never met, in this moment one would think they’ve known each other for life.

Jungkook looked to you for another bout of approval. One of the many rules set for the day. It was going to go how you wanted it to go. 

With how he looked at your boy, one of two, you couldn’t imagine keeping this from them. A being full of love and support, someone who quite literally picked you up when you were down, someone who held space for you through the whirlwind of your life. One step closer to connecting with the other half of their genetic makeup.

Swallowing your pride, shoving away the thought that this was all going to end up going terribly wrong, you said, “He’s your uncle, Chan.” Kai shifted on his feet, he and Taehyun snapping their necks to Jungkook’s half smile. “Your Uncle Jungkook.”

The half smile erupted into one of his infamous too toothy grins, the corners of his eyes crinkling all too much. Knowing your five year old couldn’t grasp the idea of what an uncle was just yet, you all watched with joy as he accepted the fact and reached out to touch some of Jungkook’s tattoos.

“It’s cool,” Chan said quietly, looking the man up and down. “Uncle… Kook.”

Jungkook laughed, “Jungkook.”

Chan tucked his hands into his chest and flashed his uncle that grin. “Kook,” he tested.

Jungkook, shooting you a look, sighed. “You really had to make two more of him.”

Glancing away to the baby on your hip, Wonwoo looking back at you, blinking a few times, you accepted what Jungkook had said and gulped. Kai seemingly puffed his chest and moved an inch between you and Jungkook, studying you for a sign of needing to get involved. 

The main reason you and Soobin asked him to be here today. He wasn’t just a safe space for the kids.

“One,” you forced from your lips. “Seems to be… just one, for right now.”

A screech sounded from the gate, followed by the cutest of giggles belonging to number two of Jungkook’s equation, who was really number one.

“Mama!” Sunoo laughed, a top Soobin’s shoulders. The boy and his father hurried from the backyard onto the driveway, the five year old bouncing like mad where he sat, clinging to his fathers hands.

Soobin, wearing a smile you hadn’t seen in days, rounded the yard, passed by the cars he didn’t seem to take into consideration, and froze. Sunoo gasped, his giggles calming down.

“Brother!” Chan shouted, running over to his fathers knees, reaching up for Sunoo who tipped his head over Soobins to look down at the ground and the many feet of space between them. “This is Uncle Kook!”

Standing to his feet, Jungkook folded his hands behind his back, becoming the face of respect as Soobin eyed him. Though he longed to watch Sunoo, he maintained the boundary that had been set.

Soobin reached upward and grabbed Sunoo around his waist, lowering him to the ground. “Hey, Taehyun,” he muttered in the process, your brother giving him a wave and a cautious smile.

Chan latched onto Sunoo’s arms and pulled him closer to Jungkook, babbling on and on about the tall man in words no one could make out. The twins had their own language, one that had you and Soobin so excited for the future.

Jungkook, giving the boys a smile, waving to Sunoo as the little one absolutely stared, waited for Soobin to approach him. Breath caught in your lungs, sweaty palms gripping Wonwoo’s thighs, you prayed you weren’t visibly shaking. 

One of Kai’s hands finding your shoulder told you otherwise.

“Hey,” Jungkook started, then cleared his throat. “Hi.” Correcting himself, he held out a tentative hand when Soobin came closer. Your husband glanced at his tattooed hand. “Jungkook.”

Shake it, you begged him. Shake his hand.

He’s come a long way with Taehyun, certainly he can take this on. This was step one of the day, this wasn’t even the main event. If he couldn’t make it through this you were shit out of luck.

It seemed everyone had been holding their breath, because when Soobin grasped Jungkook’s hand for a few seconds a collective sigh was heard around the yard amidst the kids babbling.

“Soobin. I’ve heard a lot about you,” your husband nodded.

Jungkook gave him a half smile. “Good things, I hope.”

Soobin kept his eyes level with him. The two afraid to look away, for two different reasons. “Only good things,” he said just above a whisper. “You’ve met Chan?”

Things seemingly fell into place soon after the handshake. Sunoo and Jungkook were properly introduced, as were the two little’s. Sunoo, the more observant of the two, studied you all in curiosity, especially Taehyun who had taken to Kai’s side. 

Moving the party back into the backyard, you take into account the way your firstborn watched the adults around him interact, the way he squinted his eyes as Jungkook and Taehyun spoke, as the new mystery man attempted to get to know his father. Chan couldn’t give two shits who showed up apparently, the boy tugged on Jungkook’s jeans and wanted to stare at his tattoos, especially when he was sitting beside him on Soobins lap beneath the awning on the back porch.

About an hour after his arrival, sitting around the table catching up with one another hearing all about Jungkook's daughter who was the same age as Taehyun’s, he took a phone call, excusing himself by stepping into the house.

The moment he was out of earshot Kai sprung forward in his chair, looking from you to Soobin, then back to you. “How are we?”

Soobin took a deep breath, extending his gaze into the yard where the twins and Mina ran around the sprinkler. Smoothing your hands over Wonwoo’s back, who fell asleep on your front twenty minutes prior, you copied your husband and shook your head.

“I was fine until he stood up,” you said.

Taehyun hummed, cutting into a conversation that wasn’t meant to involve him. “Me too.”

Kai laughed at him, quietly. “You brought him here.”

“Exactly,” he whispered, tilting his chin to the side. “If something goes wrong, I brought him here.”

“Nothing’s going to go wrong,” Soobin breathed, scanning the table, ending with you. His eyes fell to his snoozing son for a moment. “We all planned this. The four of us. We know who has what privileges, who gets called what, and who takes care of things if… Things happen.”

“What if he doesn’t follow along,” you whispered. 

Taehyun looked at you, his eyes breaking your heart. “He will.”

For a brief moment, gazing back at him, you’re taken back to your mothers kitchen in February, to the night you gave him the sheet of paper you thought he’d be happy to see. After closing a chapter over Christmas, having moved forward in totality, not a questionable moment shared since then, the way he was taken aback with some sort of disappointment, a dash of envy, lived within the shadows of your mind. The only thing you’ve closed away and hidden, keeping it inside, not wanting to unpack it all, not even with Soobin, though your husband made one comment that night.

Did you see the look on his face? He had whispered it while slipping into his sweatpants, rolling onto your bed to comfort you after a long night of listening to what's happened within the last two years. He was holding onto some kind of hope they were his.

“He’ll listen, he’ll… Follow the rules,” Taehyun continued, glancing at Kai for some sort of help. “He’s different, trust me, he’s changed.”

That alone hurt worse than the thought of this going to shit. The pain must’ve been written on your face. Soobin reached over, leaning toward you, brushing his arm over yours where it held your baby.

“What did you say to me last night?” His question made you look at him. Not caring who he was sitting around, Soobin continued, “When I was crying, what did you say?”

You whispered, “That it’s for the boys.”

“That it’s for the boys,” Soobin repeated. “Think about everything you’ve done in the past that’s seemed scary, or made you anxious,” he waited for you to nod, then said, “You made it through that, and look at where you are now.” He gestured to Taehyun across the table, your brother's cheeks flushing as Kai laughed at his flusteredness. “Taehyun wouldn’t be here, we might’ve not been here, those babies running around might’ve not been here, this life… It’s this way because you made it that way, because you powered through everything that has scared you shitless whether you admit it or not.”

“He’s right,” Kai said, acquiring the attention. “And not just accounting for everything that’s happened between the three of you, think about the two of us.” Taehyun furrowed his brows, glancing to the table for a second before hitting you with a side eye. “You gave me the courage to drop where I was working all because you had an idea. Sleepless nights full of phone calls between feedings trying to figure stuff out before we officially opened the store… It was so scary, we put everything we have into that place. I couldn’t have done it without you, Peace Made is yours.”

“Half yours,” you smirked.

It was a few months after the twins were born the idea had sparked. Bombarded by gifts you didn’t need, objects and trinkets that weren’t necessarily essential or realistic for you and your family, you struggled with finding what was right for you. So, what better way than to do it yourself?  Jin always told you you could take your business degree anywhere, Kai had one too, so the two of you joined forces and came together to create a safe haven for mothers in Sicuro. Peace Made. An affordable family friendly shop that catered to families like your own, both blended or not. Aside from infant and children's clothing and furniture, you offered services for families in need, for mothers in need.

Peace Made became your pride and joy, Kai’s as well. For six years now it’s been thriving.

“I wouldn’t be sitting here if it weren’t for you,” Taehyun said under his breath, the table falling quiet. He took his time to look at you, his eyebrows low, unmoving. “I don’t think I’d… be sitting anywhere, if it weren’t for you.” Not a soul moved an inch, not even when Mina screeched happily at her brothers. “That day at my… Sana’s. Rose’s birthday,” he glanced at Soobin, “You remember it.”

“Don’t I,” your husband breathed over the relief of a wound patched up.

“I think you saved my life,” Taehyun admitted, his voice tiny, looking at you with too wide eyes. “It was really bad, I mean, we see where it’s gotten us,” he waved his hands around, gesturing to the day in entirety, “You’re probably about to hear about how much worse it could’ve been…” He paused, saving himself from falling into a ramble, though you would’ve adored it and probably begged for more. “That fight, whether or not it stopped us from speaking for two years… Actually, including those two years, it woke me up. Everything you said to me, no matter how badly it hurt, how much I thought you were saying it because you were,” he spared an apologetic glance toward Soobin, “Still upset over Sana.” Those words came out in a mumble, the other half of the table laughing.

“I will always be upset over Sana,” you said, smiling. Now the three of them were sharing a laugh. “But, not for the reasons you think.” Taehyun’s brows rose.

“Tell him,” Soobin said, cocking his chin toward your brother, amused.

“For starters,” you began without missing a beat, the boys all roaring with laughter all over again, “She’s a bitch.” The three of them exclaimed their agreement by tossing their hands in the air. Wonwoo stirred on your front, lifting his head for a second before flipping it to the other side of your chest. “She is a gold digging, materialistic, snobby bitch.”

“Speak your truth, babe,” Soobin shook his head playfully, waving his hand toward you, asking for more.

“Not only is she rude to everyone she doesn’t want something from, but she’s manipulative, and thinks her shit don’t stink.” Your smile was turning your cheeks sore, but they kept laughing, so you kept going. “She clearly calculated you as much as you calculated her, Tae, and I hate her for it. She used you, she took your money, and she’s trying to take MORE!”

“Yeah, you could say karma’s a bitch,” Taehyun shrugged, exchanging a look with Soobin, one they could now laugh about. 

“Don’t do that to yourself,” you said. Looking toward you, the amusement in his eyes melted into care. “We did what we had to do,” your voice was quiet as you shared a glance with Soobin, “Otherwise we wouldn’t be where we are.”

“I like where we are,” Taehyun said.

Soobin smoothed a hand over your arm once more, a small smile pricking his lips. Giving him a smile, you shot it toward your brother and nodded. “I do, too.”

“Me too,” Kai whispered, shooting an unsuspecting glance into the yard at the kids. Nibbling his bottom lip, when he tipped his chin back toward the table and caught a glimpse of Taehyun holding back his grin he couldn’t help but laugh aloud.

The backdoor creaked as it slid open, Jungkook stepping back onto the porch with his eyes focused on the planks of wood beneath his feet. A gentle smile rested on his lips, one that dizzied you. The flicker of his knowing eyes to yours didn’t ease the nerves. All laughter on and off the porch seemed to cease, at least in your ears. Noise from your babies became obsolete, now only his voice had power over you.

“I, uh,” he stammered, stepping over toward the table, looking between you and your husband, but mostly keeping his attention on you. The rules. “Do you want to do this with me?” Jungkook gestured toward the house with his shoulder, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

“Was that him?” Taehyun asked, voice quiet. Honed in on Jungkook's doe eyes full of uncertainty, you watched him bob his head.

“Hyunjin,” he said, eyes taking a lap around the table in case anyone questioned. Realizing everyone knew who his cousin was, he sighed, looking down at you and your sleeping baby.

“Am I allowed to do it with you?”

“Of course,” Jungkook breathed. “Both of you can.” Recognizing Soobin, your husband nodded, keeping his attention solely over you. “It feels invasive if you don’t do it with me, actually, I think I prefer it if you come with.”

Taking a breath, you revel in the quiet, in the way the men around you waited patiently for you to make a move. It was comforting, having their watchful eyes, their protective energy around you and your kids. Jungkook stepped in mere moments ago and you knew he was already going to be allowed to come around as often as he pleased. Even now as he waited for you to decide if you were going to join him on his walkthrough through your home, he was the same old, big brother Jungkook. One thing you could admit you truly missed.

Tucking your hands smoothly beneath Wonwoo’s arms, you stand up and slip the baby off your chest, dangling him over Taehyun’s lap. Your brother, surprised, launched himself forward, taking your son with care, laying him over his shoulder where the infant curled up in an instant. Soobin, smiling at Taehyun, shifted it over to you, still sitting.

Wiping your palms on your shorts, adjusting your shirt now that you were baby free for the first time in hours, you rolled your shoulders back and took a breath. “Come on,” you said to Soobin, tone light as ever. Jungkook took a step back, ducking into the shadows for a brief second. “You’re going, too.” Pointing at Kai, you motioned to the backyard and your laughing kids to which he lowered his brows and saluted you. “Don’t get distracted,” you teased, jutting your head toward your brother brushing his cheek over the top of Wonwoo’s head, his eyes shut, lost in the baby trance.

“Me?” Kai snickered, adjusting his chair so he could face the yard. “Distracted? Never.”

Leaving them behind, Taehyun snuggling your youngest, and Kai definitely distracted by the precious scene, you led Soobin and Jungkook into the refreshing air conditioning of your living room and allowed one of them to slide the door shut for you. Unable to stand still, you took a small lap around the brown couches and stood in the center of the rug, smoothing your hands over your forearms. Soobin, somewhat following you, stood behind one of the sofa’s and watched you like a hawk.

“Okay,” you sighed, keeping your gaze fixed on Jungkook. “What happens now? How does this work? You’ve done this before?”

Jungkook gave you a smile, a man full of patience and calm. “I have,” he said, taking a couple steps into the living room. “All we need to do is just take a walk, like you’re giving me a tour. We don’t have to think of it as anything other than that.”

“I like that,” Soobin said. “Just a tour.”

Jungkook shrugged his shoulders. “It’s you guys, I can’t imagine you’d have… Yanno. After everything you’ve been through, and now with Taehyun… I know there’s nothing here.”

“But, you still have to look,” you said rather than asked.

With a slight frown, Jungkook nodded. “Anything could be something.” He spoke from experience, he didn’t even have to make that fact known. Crossing your arms tight, your eyes fell to the floor.

Anything could be something. 

It made your skin crawl, because he was right, and you can’t believe you didn’t think about it first. It was probably a good thing, a great thing, you didn’t think about it first, but now, knowing things that lived in your medicine cabinet, beneath your sinks, in your office drawers… You’re reminded of how easy it used to be. Stomach flipping with unease, you scratched at your skin, willing the feeling away. You have children living in this house, mobile children who are curious and handsy and grabby… 

“It’s okay.” Hands slid over your shoulders, relaxing them back down. Soobin, digging his thumbs into the muscle took a breath with you. “You already know how many preventative measures we’ve taken, for so many years now. Everyone is safe, everyone is going to be safe.”

A nod of your head appeased him, but his hands stayed put. Looking up at Jungkook who had turned to give the two of you a second, he watched the yard with a light in his eye, his two nephews making him smile. It wrecked you. It positively made you want to crumble to the floor in a heap and sob, all of it.

Jungkook was to walk through your home, with you and Soobin, to do a thorough check to assure there was nothing, no substances of use, even the tiniest of things that one could use in everyday life. Knowing his home, knowing how he lived his life, you could only begin to imagine what his home has turned into, how he has to live his life with his girlfriend and his daughter. The three of them enduring the burden, enduring the hardship you’ve been absent from for six years.

It wasn’t your fault, none of it was your fault. Surrounded by envelopes and pieces of paper on your bedroom floor in Soobin’s arms sobbing, he told you again and again that it wasn’t your fault.

Guilt has kept you up at night for months. A nagging lingering when the days would go quiet, the kids and your husband fast asleep dreaming peaceful dreams. Yours were full of horror, pain, shame. The never ending whisper of what if it is your fault?

“He might not even want to come inside,” Jungkook offered, looking over his shoulder at your worried brows. “When we’ve stopped by Hyunjin and Felix’s in the past he’s preferred to stay outside.” 

“Jeonghan,” you whispered, and Jungkook turned fully, wearing a grin. “He’s seen him, how is he?”

“He’s really good,” Jungkook said. “He moved out of their house recently, with his girlfriend. She’s super nice. The two make a really good pair.” The small smile that appeared on your lips had them both taking a breath. “He started working with Felix after he graduated from Nasara.” 

You shared a look with Soobin. He pressed the quickest kiss to your cheek.

“Hyunjins involvement with all of this,” you began, taking your hands over Soobins. “What’s he… What is it?”

Jungkook tilted his head from side to side, eyed the backyard, then placed his hands over his hips. “We kind of flip,” he said, narrowing his eyes toward you. “We’re both… We watch over him, in a way. Hyunjin more so than me, he’s his sponsor. I’m just another extension of that, I’d say.”

“Are you sober?” Your question would’ve caught any other person off guard.

Jungkook pressed his lips together tight. “You’re good to talk about this?” He glanced at your husband who nodded his head at the same time as you. “I stopped drinking completely after he got in his accident.” Tearing your eyes away, a breath shot through your lungs, moving Soobin with you.

His accident.

Taehyun told you every detail. The car veered off the highway and flipped over the median, he was the only one inside. Nobody else was involved, he was lucky he didn’t kill anyone. He was lucky he didn’t kill himself. 

It happened a month after you and Taehyun fought. A month into the two years you didn’t speak. 2021. Months before the twins turned three.

“That was a huge turn around for most of us,” Jungkook continued on. “Chaeyoung too, though she already wasn’t a huge drinker. Me and Taehyun, we… Just stopped. Seeing your little brother laid up in a hospital bed will do that to you.”

Tears formed in your eyes. Unable to stop them from spilling over, Jungkook pouted.

“I’m not tryna make you cry, honey,” he somewhat giggled. 

Brushing the tears away with your fingers you shook your head. “It’s not you, promise.” 

It’s me, you wanted to say. I missed all of this. 

“Jungkook, you can walk through,” Soobin said, taking you beneath one of his arms. “Anything you need to do, do it.” Jungkook took one look at you curling into your husband's chest and nodded, shooting him an apologetic glance. “If you need our help with anything, we’ll be right here.”

Seconds after you heard his boots walk away, you gasped, tears staining Soobins t-shirt. “How do I deal with this?” His arms wrapped around your back, one hand dancing in circles, soothing you. “It’s so fucked, Soob, all of it, I can’t stand it.” He didn’t open his mouth. He couldn’t find any words to say, because you were right. It was all fucked. “All this time I thought he was ghosting us on purpose. I thought he didn’t want anything to do with any of this, any of us. And then Taehyun tells us he’s in and out of rehab? Of prison?” Your sobs triggered Soobin’s tears. “I almost didn’t believe half of it until I read… Those letters.”

Soobin took a deep breath, you could hear it, feel it. He read them first. After each one was received. He could barely make out what any of them meant, what any of the insinuations were for, but he couldn’t imagine it’d be anything good. Nothing was explicitly said, where he was, who he’d been with, if he was safe, it was all vague, leaving it up to the reader to decide his fate. Until Taehyun filled in the blanks, it was all a mystery.

Knowing Soobin read them each time, you asked him to keep the contents to himself. That it was good one of you was reading them, but that you didn’t want to put up with whatever bullshit was on the inside.

How you regret saying those words now.

“It’s not your fault,” Soobin whispered, pressing his cheek to yours.

Clawing the fabric of his shirt, you whispered through a shaky breath, “I could’ve helped him.”

“We’ve been here,” Soobin didn’t dare raise his voice. “There is nothing anyone could’ve done, you know this. He couldn’t listen to anyone but himself.”

“Soobin,” your voice cracked, fingers pressing into his back. “He would’ve listened to me.”

Knots lived in your gut. Hands clutching your bare knees, seated on the edge of one of the chairs around the table on the porch, you were counting your breaths. Alone, a warm breeze caressing your skin, you waited.

The kids were inside, each accompanied by a grown up, and they were to stay inside until you came to get them. Soobin was a few feet away, you knew that, and he’d be willing to join you outside if needed. 

But, this was how it was supposed to go.

You had to talk to him alone.

There wasn’t a part of you that knew what to expect from this. From seeing him, from talking to him. The majority of you are shocked he’d even agreed to it, though after reading what he’d written to the twins it’s evident he’s wanted this from the start. To Soobin it was a mystery to be solved, his want to be involved, until Taehyun gave you the history. Then it made all the more sense.

All of what was to come was unpredictable, not one bit of it able to be figured out. You haven’t spoken to him in six years, you haven’t seen him in about three. Even then, you caught him in glimpses at Taehyun’s kids parties. He always seemed to be hiding, keeping himself out of sight, not wanting to be caught. Doing what, you aren’t so sure of.

He’s written about seeing the boys, about hearing them laugh, about watching them grow. On those days he’d see them, you now know why he wouldn’t act upon anything. Not only was he struggling, but something like right now needed to happen first.

“Hey,” a deep, half familiar voice called to you from the gate. Stomach falling to your knees, sucking in a breath, you twisted in the chair, head whipping toward the tall, lanky man in all black. Hyunjin. He hadn’t changed one bit. “Jungkook said to come in this way, that okay?” His fingers lingered on the wood of the fence, not wanting to take a step in without permission.

Admiring him for a moment, the man genuinely breathtaking, you bobbed your head and clenched your jaw. Electricity sparked in your veins, and you couldn’t tell if it was the good kind or the bad kind. Possibly a mix of the two. Hyunjin wore a strong facade, or he just truly was moving through this as if it were another day. He’s been through this in the past himself, having to live like this for a while before things fell back into normalcy for him. 

Soobin said it once, he was the perfect person to help him.

“It’s okay,” you offered him, hands shaking where they rested on your knees.

Hyunjin turned his chin toward the front yard, and your heart skipped a beat. “Whenever you’re ready,” he said gently.

It all felt silly. Being mediated like he wasn’t your best friend for years on end, like you didn’t grow up together, like the two of you didn’t have children. Knowing his heart, knowing your own, it was silly. He was your other half, your twin flame.

He was Beomgyu.

The moment he set foot through the gate you rose to your feet.

Thin, clothes hanging on his frame even more so than they ever have, he folded his hands in front of his chest and toyed with his fingers. The t-shirt he wore swallowed him, the jeans, baggy, and the shoes, scuffed. Brown hair, in waves, hung at his shoulders, but he had it tied back, his bangs hanging over his eyebrows. 

Eyes wide, wider than you’ve ever seen them, he looked at you, scanned the yard, then looked back at you. His skin pale, there wasn’t a trace of his used to be baby face. The round cheeks, the plump liveliness to his lips, the bright, star filled eyes.

He froze a few steps in, Hyunjin mumbling something to him you couldn’t make out, something you didn’t need to hear. He had to have been as nervous as you, he looked it.

Withholding the tears that longed to fall, you gulped as he started for the porch, his eyes unable to leave yours. Everything about him was different. The way he walked, the way he held himself. The once swagger he used to hold within every step was now cautious, and a bit slow. A chin that used to be cocked back in utmost confidence now hung solemnly forward, his gaze coming entirely through his lashes.

Your lungs filled with air, the closer he got the harder it was to exhale. Hyunjin lingered behind, keeping to himself by the fence. A watchful eye. 

Between you now, a trillion questions, though none seemed to matter when his feet hit the stairs. Climbing them quick, his tears brushing his cheeks first, yours burst just before he threw his arms around your shoulders. 

He was small, smaller than he’s ever been. Pressing your fingers into his back your able to make out every rib, every notch in his spine. Wrapping yourself around him, burying your face in his neck, sobbing with little remorse, you were afraid to squeeze him too tight, afraid to break him. Shaking in your hold, he only cried, only breathed. His hands, one over your back, the other in your hair, his fingers lacing through the strands like a memory. He smelled of lavender, the pale skin of his neck dripping in the scent that brought a sense of peace, a sense of clarity.

Pulling himself back, turning his chin to look down at you, he took a hand to your cheek and wiped your tears, though they were replaced instantly. “Hi,” he managed to whisper, voice low and gravelly.

Sniffling, something of a laugh tumbled from your lips as you whispered, “Hi.”

His eyes danced over your face, taking in every inch, every spot, and all at once he seemed to come to his senses. Lowering his hands to your shoulders, he took a small step away, removing his hands from you last, tucking them behind his back.

“Mrs. Choi,” he half bowed. His lips pulled into a lazy smirk. That was his last name, too.

After a breath, you shook your head, smiling. “And they said you changed.”

His brows pulled into the center of his forehead. “Who?” 

“Your brother,” you shrugged. “My brother.”

His eyes went wild, a laugh catching in his throat. “Holy shit, never thought I’d hear those words come out of your mouth.”

You shrugged again. “A lot’s changed.”

Beomgyu glanced around the porch, at the tiny pairs of shoes that lived by the back door, at the toys that littered the yard. “You’ve got four now, right?”

Your heart could leap directly out of your chest if it wanted to. “Yeah,” you answered fast, breathlessly. If this was how it was going to go, this was how it was going to go. “Wonwoo will be a year old in about two months.”

Beomgyu, bobbing his head, turned in a small circle, taking everything in. “This is a nice place, you guys did good.”

“Thanks,” you said, folding your hands in front of you. Watching him look around, quiet fell. A comfortable quiet. He took it all in like he hadn’t been out in ages, or like he’d never see it again. “Do you wanna sit?” 

Beomgyu, nibbling his bottom lip, nodded and took the chair beside you, sitting on the edge, shoving his beat up hands between his knees. “Soobin’s here, right?” He looked up at you, his chin low.

Hesitating, you eventually nodded, with a quiet, “Everyone’s here.”

“Taehyun?” Beomgyu seemed to perk up a bit.

“Yeah, he’s inside,” you tipped your head toward the door. “Jungkook, too. Our friend Kai is here as well, he’s… he’s good with the kids.”

Beomgyu dropped his gaze to his hands. “Kids,” he mumbled. “How are they?”

Air corrupted your lungs, a sudden breath sitting you up straight. “This is how you want to start this conversation?” He flickered his eyes up.

“I think so,” he forced from his lips, both corners pulling down, trembling a bit. “I don’t know what else to say, where do you want me to start? I don’t wanna argue about anything, I don’t wanna turn any of this into some sort of fight, I just want…”

He was quiet, his eyes drifting elsewhere, mind too, until you whispered, “What, Gyu?”

The nickname willed tears into his eyes as he looked back to you. “I want to know them.”

“You had the chance to know them,” your voice was quiet, your tone gentle, praying nothing would set him off. “It wasn’t my intention to keep that from you.”

“I know,” Beomgyu wiped beneath his eyes with his palms. “It’s me, it’s been me, all this time, I know.” 

Sliding a hand toward him, you shook your head. “I’m not blaming you, Gyu.”

The nickname made him pull a face. “I know you’re not. I’ve heard it before, from almost everybody. That I’m sick, that I didn’t choose this.” He was unable to focus, looking everywhere but you. One of his hands found his forearm, his nails dragging up and down his skin. “But, it’s damn near hard to not feel like I did when you’ve been over here waiting for me for so long.”

Blinking back tears, you curled your fingers into your palm and sat them both on your lap. You longed to reach over and stop his fidgets, though you weren’t so sure they were only fidgets anymore. “To be fair, I didn’t exactly tell you I was waiting for you.”

“But, I knew you were,” he shrugged. “I got the party invite, for the first birthday Taehyun told me all about. I got a play by play,” he met your eyes, “through text message,” he emphasized with a nod, “because I was afraid to come see you.”

“There were a lot of people anyway, that wasn’t any way for us to catch up,” you brushed it away like it was nothing, but Beomgyu brought it right back.

“No, don’t do stuff like this,” he said, raising a brow. “I’m literally not allowed to make excuses, don’t help me do that.” You answered with a meek nod. “It was… It was our kid’s first birthday, and I wasn’t there. I didn’t show up, because I couldn’t own up to what I had done. I was hurting, so bad, and I used that to keep me away from the one thing that now matters most.” He spoke with a power, an intelligence that was brand new. Maybe he was different. He’d grown up.

“Hurting?” you questioned, not moving an inch. You wanted him to keep talking.

“Yes, hurting,” he glanced away once, then met your eyes again. It was as if he was trained to do it.

“Because of the boys?”

“Because of you,” he breathed.

Sighing heavily, turning away from him, a tightness spread through your chest. Trying to ease it with a deep breath, watching as Hyunjin paced the length of your yard, taking his time, hands in his pockets, you whispered, “Why?”

“You don’t remember,” Beomgyu said. He wasn’t disappointed, not even after you looked back at him and shook your head. “Was a few weeks before you left me that voicemail.”

Knitting your brows together, you cringed.

The ‘I’m pregnant’ voicemail.

“I woke up, after a really great night,” he huffed a laugh at the memory, “and you were gone.” Swallowing hard, you tore your gaze away from him, letting a tear slip onto your cheek. “I called you, I texted you, I asked Taehyun about you… That’s when he told me that you were at home. By the time he had any chance to reach you around the wicked bitch of the west, you were engaged.”

Wiping your tears, you said, “I left you that voicemail a week before he proposed.”

“I know,” Beomgyu said.

It was quiet for longer than before, the only sound was that of the breeze through the tree branches. Even Hyunjin had gone quiet, having found a spot along the fence to post himself up upon watching the clouds roll by in the blue sky.

Beomgyu’s hair blew in the wind, tiny strands brushing his lashes. You met his gaze at the same time as he said, “Guess we ghosted each other.”

Dropping your eyes to the table, dragging them over to his lap and his trembling wrists, you take them up his body that you longed to hold again and take a breath. “Yeah,” you whispered. “Guess we did.”

Beomgyu tilted his head and gave you a half smile. “For the record, none of what I’ve done is because of you, I need you to know that.” Locking eyes, feeling your tears thicken, you nodded. “I made my choices because of me. Myself. How I was feeling, how I made myself feel. I could’ve done anything else, but instead I turned to what I knew, what was easy.”

Narrowing your eyes, you smirked through the tears. “Who am I talking to right now?”

Beomgyu smiled, rolling his eyes. “Choi Beomgyu,” he said. “Your, used to be, best friend.”

Laughing through a breath, you clear your cheeks and groan. Laying your hands on your lap, you give him a look. “I miss him.”

“I miss you, too,” he whispered, eyes dancing between yours. “Been real lonely without you, a person can only take so much Taehyun.”

Laughing together, a sound you’ve not heard in years, you reach forward for one of his hands, lacing your fingers within the knobby knuckles. His grip melted into yours instantly. The touch was enticing, persuading pieces of your subconscious to move closer, to get closer. You wondered if he could feel it too. 

With the way he shied from your touch, you knew he could.

“I’m sorry,” you said, taking your hand back onto your lap, apologizing for more than just grabbing his hand.

Beomgyu curled his lip and shook it off. “Don’t apologize, you have nothing to be sorry for.”

“There’s just been so much-”

“That I’ve had to talk about with so many other people, so many other doctors, and therapists, and psychiatrists…” he cut you clean off, shaking his head from side to side. “I know you know it all, and we can talk about it later. I'm sorry to be disrespectful, but I need to see them.”

Mouth agape, half of your thought still on your lips, you snapped your jaw shut. His eyes begged you, they flickered from the door, and back to you, begging. Turning over your shoulder, you exhaled in surprise.

Two five year olds were pressed against the glass, leaving fingerprints behind where their hands held the door. Behind them, your husband, studying you after a once over of Beomgyu. Both boys were wide eyed, direct copies of the man sitting beside you. When you turned back to Beomgyu, he was wiping a tear from his cheek.

“How are they?” The question he once asked came back, this time in a broken whisper.

Lips trembling, you said, “They’re good. They’re smart. Chan, he uh,” glancing at your boys, you laughed, “He’s just like you. Looks just like you.”

“Yeah,” Beomgyu snickered, sniffling soon after. “That hair.”

You whipped toward him. “Oh, I can’t cut it, Gyu.”

The nickname made his eyes shut for a second. “My mom never cut mine until I wanted her to.”

You smiled at the twins, the boys eyeing you and the man you were speaking to. “That’s why I do it,” you said. Beomgyu smiled. “Jihyo knew what she was doing. She raised some really great kids.”

“You are, too,” he said quickly, ushering the conversation away from his mother. “You’re a good mom. Putting your kids first, their health, their happiness. Soobin, too. I’m… I can’t tell you how happy I am that you’re here. With him.”

No double, hidden meaning behind his words, your smile grew. “They come first now. They all do. All four of them. If you count Tae’s, all six of them, whether or not I wanna throw Rosie head first into their brand new swimming pool.” His eyes lit up with laughter. “Everything changes when you become a parent.”

Calming his grin, he pursed his lips and bobbed his head. “Teach me?” His voice is quiet, genuine. Stealing glances at the door with his sappy brown eyes, you knew what had to be done. The thing that’s had you and Soobin on edge for weeks.

Not responding to him, standing up and walking to the door was answer enough. Both Chan and Sunoo smiled up at you, trying to reach for the door handle like you were.

“They’re gonna ask you questions, okay?” Looking at Beomgyu for confirmation, consent to open the door, his nod made you giggle. “They’re very curious about everything. Also, they have a thing against bad words.” You eyed him. “I always wondered where Soobin got it from… Then I read your letters.” Beomgyu’s chin crinkled. “Don’t use bad words,” you said, wearing a smile. “Even though you weren’t here… You were here. You’ve been helping me, us, raise them and I didn’t even know it.”

“Open the door,” he whispered, blinking through tears, shooting you a smile.

Lump lodging in your throat, you obliged, and he jumped to his feet.

“Mama!” Chan cheered as the glass passed his face. Sunoo stepped out onto the deck, eyes on Beomgyu. “What are you doing?” Chan’s smile was cheesy, taking up his whole face as he tugged at your shorts. “Daddy not let us outside!”

Worry struck you and Soobin for all of two seconds, but as soon as the word was spoken it was forgotten about. 

“Mama, what are you doing?” Sunoo parrotted his brother, looking at you before locking back in on Beomgyu. The analyzer held his hands over his belly.

“I’m talking to my friend,” you said to them both, gesturing toward Beomgyu who stood tall with his hands behind his back. “Do you wanna come say hi?”

“Okay,” Chan said with little restraint, beginning his stride toward the other side of the table. Sunoo however, he lingered behind.

Soobin poked his head out the door, gripping the handle. “You alright?” Noting your tear stained cheeks, he squinted toward you.

“I’m fine,” you said, and before he could question you again you added, “I promise you.”

“Okay,” he winked, beginning to slide the door shut.

“Wait!” Beomgyu called out to him, holding up a hand. Soobin shot him a wide eyed look. “Soobin?” Your husband gave you a glance, then nodded. “Join us. Please.”

Soobin didn’t know what to say. This wasn’t in the plan, at least right now it wasn’t. From inside you could hear Mina shouting something at Kai getting a roar of responses from the three men she was in there with. “Are you sure?” 

“Please,” Beomgyu nodded.

“Who are you?” Chan asked with all of his might, teetering right up to Beomgyu, just passing his knees in height. Looking down at him, eyes alight with something bright, Beomgyu smiled.

“I’m Beomgyu,” he said. Chan put his hands on his hips, giggling as Beomgyu copied him. Sunoo, with care, took his time around the table, giving the man his brother was talking to a tentative stare. Beomgyu watched him, then smiled and gestured toward you with his chin. “He’s you.”

Soobin, having shut the door, stepped behind you and slung an arm over your shoulder, keeping himself quiet as the boys got their greetings in. So far, he was following the rules.

“Beomgyu?” Sunoo said, entirely correct. Every syllable came out perfectly.

“Beomgyu,” Chan repeated. “You are Mama’s friend?” The tilt of his head melted you every time, you just knew it was going to get Beomgyu.

“I am,” he sighed, tilting his head just the same. “I’m friends with Uncle Taehyun, too.” Beomgyu squatted so he was on their level. 

Sunoo stepped a bit closer, then asked, “What about Daddy? Are you Daddy’s friend, too?”

This time the word took him by surprise, but not complete surprise. He knew what they called Soobin, he’d been prepped, but you can’t imagine the feeling of hearing your child call another man by the name that was supposed to be yours.

“I- I mean, I hope so,” Beomgyu continued on. “We can ask him later, though.”

“You boys know Jungkook inside? Uncle Jungkook? This is his brother,” Soobin said, giving Beomgyu a soft smile when he looked over at him.

Chan and Sunoo glanced between the men. Chan reached a hand out and touched Beomgyu’s knee. The boy's father sucked in a breath and stayed completely still, not wanting to scare him away. “You are Uncle Beomgyu?”

“Uh,” Beomgyu stammered, lifting his eyes to yours. “I’m… Help.”

Chan giggled. “You are help,” he said, then tapped Beomgyu’s lap with both of his hands. “I like your pants.”

“Boys, do you remember what we talked about yesterday?” Soobin began, leaving your side to join the group of them. He sat down on the deck and tucked his feet under him. Beomgyu followed suit and sat on the wood. To everyone's surprise, Chan plopped right down on one of his knees. “We talked about Mama, Daddy, and what it meant that we were a family?”

“I remember,” Sunoo said matter-of-factly from Soobins lap. The boy reached up to pat his cheek, earning a smile in return.

From the corner of his eye Beomgyu watched you take your time to join the party, take your time to figure out where to sit. There was a spot beside Soobin, and a spot beside Beomgyu. Deciding somewhere in the middle would be safe, you sat on the deck and crossed your legs. “Do you remember when we told you that sometimes families have different Mama’s, and different Daddy’s?” The boys nodded. Chan glanced back at Beomgyu, the two sharing the cutest smile.

“Some families have two Daddy’s, or two Mama’s,” Soobin kept it going before Chan lost all attention span. “Some families have Step-Dad’s or Step-Mom’s.”

“Mama does,” Sunoo sprung up, pointing at you.

“Good job,” you smiled. “Yes, I do. I’m proud of you for remembering that. I have a Step-Dad. My birth dad didn’t live with me.”

“What is birth dad?” Chan asked, placing a finger between his teeth.

Taking a breath, you peered at Beomgyu and wanted to point at him, because Chan’s was right behind him, he was sitting on his lap.

“Birth dad and birth mom is how a baby is born,” Soobin answered. “Sometimes they live with you and sometimes they don’t. Like, I am Mina and Wonwoo’s birth dad.” Beomgyu waited patiently, his eyes on Sunoo while he stayed still to keep Chan where he was. His fingers pressed into the wood beneath him, you’re certain he wanted to grab the boy and cradle him, but was holding back.

“We have a birth dad,” Sunoo said, smiling as you and Soobin praised him.

“Two dad’s,” Chan spoke up, bouncing on Beomgyu’s knee. “I remember.”

“Is it you?” Sunoo pointed directly at Beomgyu. Chan, shocked, whirled around and looked at the man he was sitting on.

Beomgyu sighed, looking from twin to twin. From over top Chan’s head you gave him the smallest nod. The go ahead. It was time.

“Yeah,” Beomgyu whispered, the boys gazing at him like no other. “It’s me.”

You were ready for everything to change, for some ultimate crazy switch to happen the moment it was said. Something that seemed incredibly momentous to you three adults had little to no effect over the littles in front of you.

“You are Dad?” Chan asked, lifting a finger to poke Beomgyu’s chest.

“Dad?” Sunoo looked at you, then Soobin, and when you both gave him the same answer he hummed to himself.

And so his name was chosen.

“We can hug?” Chan asked sweetly, raising his hands out at his sides in question. Sunoo rose to his feet and turned to wait for an answer.

Nodding toward Beomgyu, you said, “You have to ask him.”

Both twins on their feet stood directly in front of their father and asked him three different times, one seemingly more excited than the other. Beomgyu with eyes brimming with tears, eyes that he gave to the babies in front of him, threw out his arms and joined in the giggles as the boys leapt into his lap, throwing their arms around him. One arm around each twin, Beomgyu squeezed his eyes shut and cried, rocking the boys as they clung to him. He waited until they wanted to let go to fully release his hold.

Sitting on his lap, both of them, the questions poured out of them like mad. 

Where do you live? Where are you from? How do you know Mama? Why is your hair like Mina’s? Are you married? Do we know you already? We probably don’t remember because we were babies, and babies don’t remember things, right?

That last one came from Sunoo.

“I’ve seen you lots of times,” Beomgyu told them, letting the boy’s toy with his hair or his t-shirt. “From when you were babies to now. Well, this is the first time I’ve seen you in a while.”

“Why?” Sunoo asked, dragging a hand up and down his fathers arm. 

Beomgyu peered up at you, sitting hand in hand with Soobin, then shrugged. “Because I went through a hard time.” The twins looked at him directly, both understanding what hard time could mean. “I wasn’t myself, and I needed to get better.”

“Are you?” Chan blinked, enamored by his new dad. “Are you better?”

Beomgyu bit his lip. “I am now. You both really helped me.”

“What!” Sunoo squealed, pressing his hands to his cheeks. “That’s silly.”

Beomgyu laughed, you and Soobin keeping yours quiet to not disturb them. “It’s true!” Your heart was warmed entirely by the scene in front of you, he matched their energy perfectly. “I’m still trying to get better, though. It’s not over yet. A really, really smart man once told me that I wouldn’t wanna miss this feeling. That it would be my why.” Glancing into the yard, at Hyunjin who was now leaning against the deck with a smile on his face, Beomgyu took a deep breath. “I love you boys, a lot, and I’m gonna do what it takes, for you. No matter what I do.”

go to the finale | nmwid masterlist | creu

a/n: i just reread this for the first time in a very long time and i am crying, lol, damn.

Across from you, laying on his stomach on the floor with his chin in his hands was Minho, smiling at his cousins trying to dance to the unsteady beat of Nirvana. The kid was almost a month away from turning ten, and though you just saw him a little over a month ago at Christmas right here in this very house, he had seemed to mature so much. He and his father, who sat beside the coffee table to your left, had both got haircuts, and the color of Taehyun’s was back to normal. 

Since Christmas the two of you had been talking more, texting more, letting the kids video call with one another, and things were going really well. The patching up of that relationship, the closure you both gave one another that was ten years overdue was needed, and it had helped immensely. Now you could carry on with a friendship, and be friends, something the two of you struggled with outside of one another.

Amongst the phone calls and messages there was a day spent together without kids, without Soobin, just you and Taehyun. You went for lunch, somewhere quiet in Sicuro knowing damn well you’d be too uncomfortable to go any further or into any other town. Soobin didn’t want you too far either, and you couldn’t blame him. You’d prefer it if he was always within a few miles radius of you anyways.

Over lunch, where the two of you spent hours, you shared conversation like you had over Christmas, dipping into details of life that either of you had shut out, or had been too intoxicated to piece together correctly. Your teenage life was mapped out before you, the two of you with blushing cheeks trying to work out your shared trauma.

The further you delved into the timeline the more you could tell Taehyun was trying his absolute best to stay present. His sober eyes, awake and alert, his chest taking in deep breaths to the slow count of four… Something you knew all too well. With a reassuring nudge of your foot against his underneath the table, he’d smiled, knowing that you were with him, that you were there for him. He wasn’t alone, and you vouched from then on that he never would be.

You’ve healed enough to not hold his past against him, knowing that you yourself were not a perfect person.

He apologized for the summer night at the club years back, appearing teary eyed as he fought the words out of him, every other sentence broken, his eyes finding it near impossible to look into yours. But, he did. He reached for your hand, held it gently, and apologized. And you cried, because he remembered it all. Every detail. Every feeling. He had never told another soul, he had kept it all inside, not even talking about it with the friend you once shared.

The one who turned into the next topic of conversation on hour three of you sitting in the booth in the back of the restaurant.

Things had gone quiet, after the apology was shared and Taehyun had spoken his peace, neither of you knew what to say. 

At Christmas, the letters were given to you, by Taehyun himself. Envelopes you didn’t have the guts to open, but your husband did.

You had told Taehyun very little of what you felt, what you experienced. So you laid everything out there, filling in the blanks for him, telling him how it all went down, how it happened, how you wound up with your beautiful boys who were the light of your life, but beginning to worry you with their behavior. 

And though tears slipped down your cheek while you spoke of your history with him, with Beomgyu, you knew you were where you were meant to be, and you admitted that to Taehyun, the once questionable fate you had succumbed yourself to, and he too agreed, Soobin was where you were meant to be. Something he’s mentioned to you before.

Pieces of past Christmas were funny, some parts making you question whether or not your certainty was correct. It’d been brought up multiple times, from two different mouths, and then, in the end, the bomb had been dropped.

The twins belonged to Beomgyu, he was their father. In your timeline, in your math, he was their father. You never had to question it, you never had to double check, you were certain. However, those many years ago there had been two of them, both boys, and they overlapped before the nights turned into one. You had no reason to question until Christmas, when your twins seemed to take to Taehyun a lot quicker than you and Soobin had anticipated. Even though the boys looked like you, looked like Beomgyu… Taehyun and Beomgyu both had the eyes, the wide, beautiful, galaxy filled, warm brown eyes. And, so did your twins.

After your mother assumed she knew who really fathered the twins, when up until that day she had seemed to believe you when you told her it was Soobin, you knew you needed a definite answer, one on paper. If not for your own confirmation, but for her. To tell her you didn’t have Taehyun’s children while he was married to another woman with two kids of their own. To not give her the satisfaction of being right, like she always wanted to be.

The kids weren’t his, and though you never spoke to her about it after, the need to prove your mother wrong persisted.

It sucked admitting it to Taehyun. It was entirely humiliating to ask him to do what you needed him to do, but he obliged. Quietly, barely uttering any other sound, he understood, and he assured you that you had no reason to be ashamed. Even he was sure that the boys weren’t his, though his thoughts were somewhat swayed over the holiday weekend because of his step-mother.

That evening after spending an incredulous amount of time out with him, he accompanied you back home where he spent a few more hours with you, Soobin and the kids, Mina sitting on his lap while he filled out some paperwork and swabbed the inside of his cheek. His kids were with Sana, the two still sorting out custody and dealing with judges and court dates.

Within the single evening he spent with your family, Soobin’s opinion of Taehyun had changed entirely, and by the end of it all he even walked him out to his car, leaving him with information and details on how to handle his situation, details you couldn’t even begin to understand. Details you wondered if you’d ever have to deal with…

Sitting here on the floor of the house you grew up in, with your kids giggling up a storm, and a piece of paper folded up in your back pocket, those same thoughts still lived in your mind. Custody, judges, court. A month later and he was still living it. Sana was relentless, she’d never give up.

Especially since over lunch that day Taehyun had told you that she’d found out about you. All of you. The time you shared. All of it, and that she had known for a long time, before divorce was even an option. Aside from the love affair you shared for half of your life, he very blatantly had cheated on her and had been content getting away with it until he grew the balls to file. It went without saying that Sana was pretty content with him getting away with it as well, as long as Taehyun kept bringing home the paychecks.

Now that they were divorced, and she was only getting a still decently sized cut for child support, she had the ability to keep the kids away from him, possibly for a very long time since she knows he’s currently fighting to stay sober. Another reason tacked onto the never ending reasons to despise Sana list.

Leaning backward, toppling onto your thighs, Wonwoo smiled up at you and cooed, his tiny hands reaching upward. Folding in half, covering him completely, you smother his cheeks with kisses and giggle along with him, the sound echoing through the room over the music. One of the twins whipped around, Chan, and dropped to his knees between your legs, one of his joints landing straight on top of your own.

Your gasp of pain, which was really just a reaction to the collision, and the way you gripped your knee over your jeans made Chan freeze for only a moment. Placing a hand over yours he scooted closer to you.

“Sorry, Mama,” he said, studying your expression, searching for the right answer. It was an accident, truly. He knew this, you knew this. Over the last few months however, these accidents have been more frequent. Keeping track of them all, keeping in mind that he was only a five year old boy, the moments of outbursts, tantrums, and accidents like this- happening to more than just you- have been too many to count.

His brown eyes, wide, waiting for you to say something, they made you gulp. Pulling Wonwoo into your arms, situating him over your left side, you nodded at your son and took his hand into your own. “It’s okay, it was an accident, right?”

“Right,” Chan said, his gaze traveling to his brother on your hip chewing on his fingers. “Can Wonwoo play?” He bounced on his knees, brushing his hair out of his eyes. It was too long, he needed it cut, both twins did. The usually straight, thick dark locks were nearing their shoulders, edging the base of their neck. The longer their hair got, and the older they grew, the more it seemed to wave at the ends. Covering their ears, bangs teasing their lashes… You didn’t have the heart to cut it off.

You hadn’t seen him in years, and yet here he was, sitting in front of you.

“Wonwoo can’t play right now,” you said, tucking some of Chan's hair behind his ear, smiling as he shied under your touch. 

Scooching closer to you he sat on your other thigh, cradling his chin in his hands as he watched his little brother. “Why?” 

“Because he’s getting sleepy, it’s almost time for him to go to bed.” From your left you could feel Taehyun’s eyes on you.

Chan stared at the baby. His gaze unresponsive for all of two seconds. “But he can play at home?”

You gave him a smile, placing a hand gently on his back. “He can play at home, you do big kid things here, he isn’t a big kid yet. At home Daddy and Mama can watch you with him, but there’s so much going on here.” Your five year old thought to himself, still eyeing Wonwoo content on your side, not an ounce of eye contact made before he spoke again.

“But, why?”

“Hey, Chan,” Taehyun’s clear, deep voice called over to your son, his little head lifting to look over at his uncle sitting criss-cross on the carpet. “C’mere.” He waved a hand toward himself, Chan leaping off of your leg with a shout, running toward him.

Groaning, you started, “Tae, hold out your-”

But, your warning was cut short with another shout, a high pitched shriek startling Wonwoo. Chan jumped onto Taehyun, and, maybe it was dad reflexes, but he caught him. Pulling him into his chest, holding him tight, rocking him back and forth as they laughed, your step-brother shot you a look over the little one's shoulder.

“Hey, I want to play!” With folded arms Sunoo watched his brother and uncle. The smallest pout was forming on his lips. Taehyun smiled at him and waved another hand, shifting Chan over to one side, catching Sunoo with his other side as the child launched himself at him. Between laughing fits, you caught Taehyun’s eye once more, the two of you sharing a smile.

“Minnie?” Taehyun questioned, glancing at his son who watched him as well, entertained by the children attempting to tackle his father to the ground. “Wanna take your cousins upstairs?” 

Minho leapt to his feet and sighed, but not with discontent, with preparation for what he was signing himself up for. Taehyun nodded toward him, then with both hands grabbed the collars of the twins' shirts and peeled them off of him. The boys, finding it funnier than anything else in the world, tossed out their little hands trying to either hit Taehyun or grab onto him.

“Minho wants to show you guys something,” he said, dodging flying hands. 

“Boys, we don’t hit,” you spoke up, moving onto your knees, keeping Wonwoo on your hip. Neither twin spared you a moment. “Boys!”

“Go upstairs with him, he has something fun-” 

Chan made contact with Taehyun's cheek, his palm no bigger than half the surface he’d hit. It wasn’t hard, he didn’t hurt him, but he still hit him. Sunoo was the only one to react to the sound, until their father set foot in the room, their little sister propped on his hip.

“Choi Chan!” The sound of Soobin’s raised voice spun them both right around. Taehyun dropped his hands and pulled them into his lap, sending a look your way. Your eyes apologized to him, for the smack and for what was about to happen. These moments of parenting, of reprimanding, of learning, they were becoming a wildcard, so much so that even Soobin was having a hard time figuring out how to deal with them. 

A shit eating grin lived on Chan’s face as he gazed up at his father, one incredibly jarring the first time it made an appearance. Gripping the denim of his jeans, Chan bounced his knees and let out the quietest laugh. Sunoo beside him, the complete opposite.

It would be one thing if both twins were the same, if they both acted the same, and though sometimes they do, in moments like these their ways were completely different, making the parenting, the learning, so much harder.

“I don’t think anyone here found that funny,” Soobin said, his voice returning to a normal volume. Taehyun reached over to the record player, turning the volume down. The movement caught Chan’s attention. “Look at me, please.”

Sunoo was a rock, his brown eyes glued to his father. Chan however, watched Taehyun sit back in his place, and then he bounced on his toes and tried to walk back over to him. Reaching in front of you, you were able to grab onto his wrist and maneuver him back, keeping him where he needed to be. The five year old looked at you, whined, then turned back to Soobin. On his hip in a fuzzy blue footed onesie, Mina pointed at Taehyun and smiled, flashing her gappy little teeth. Her uncle pointed back to her and grinned, subsequently making Chan try to turn again.

“Chan, we don’t hit.” Soobin hadn’t moved an inch.

Your son wriggled his wrist out of your hold. “It was a accident,” he said, looking at you, then Soobin. “A accident.”

“I know you were playing,” Soobin said. “But, I saw you trying to hit Uncle Tae, and then you did.”

Chan clenched his hands into fists and stomped a foot on the ground. Covering one of Wonwoo’s ears you pressed his other against your chest, holding his head there. Even Sunoo knew what was coming after the stamp, he covered his own ears.

“ACCIDENT!” Chan screamed, covering his eyes with his hands, the tears following soon after.

Trying to take one of his hands again, he swatted you away and fell onto his knees. Sighing, Soobin put Mina on her feet and she toddled over to Taehyun, falling into his lap. Your girl wrapped both hands around one of his fingers.

“Soobin, he’s very tired,” you said to your husband quietly as he approached the fallen twin, brushing a hand gently over the hair of Sunoo still standing, hands clamped to his ears. “We’ve been here all day, no nap. That makes it worse.”

Looking at you he crouched down, laying a hand over Chan’s back. He knew what little sleep did to the boys, how it affected their behavior, they were kids. When kids were tired, exhausted even, they tended to misbehave, or throw tantrums such as this one. Chan was different. This type of tantrum happened no matter how tired he was.

Making choices as a parent was possibly the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do in life thus far. Each decision impacted your kids and had an effect on their future and the people they’d grow up to be. With Chan folded over on the floor sobbing into his hands, you weren’t sure whether to let him cry or try to get him to stand back up. Half of you wanted to pick him up and tell him it was okay, just to keep him from feeling upset, but then the other was telling you that there were consequences to his actions and he needed to learn from them.

You know, so he didn’t grow up to be someone who punched holes into walls.

Even then, with how differently his brain worked from other children, how exactly were you supposed to do that?

“Chan, when you’re ready to talk to us we’re right here.” Soobin leveled his eyes on his son, tracing a reassuring circle over his back. At a loss, feeling your own tears seconds away from spilling, you trained your gaze on your husband and took a deep breath. 

His calm, gentle giant-ness was how. He was how you’d make it through, he was how you’ve made it through the last six years. He’d be able to get you through many more.

Behind the twins Minho had snuck over to Taehyun, sitting beside his father and Mina, keeping the two year old occupied. Taehyun bounced her on his knee as she traced Minho’s features with a single finger, her cousin leaning into her with pouted lips. The little girl had such an attention to details even at her small age. You were certain she’d grow up to be as smart as her father.

“Everything okay in here? Where’d my granddaughter go?” Your mothers voice was heard before she was spotted. Soobin, closing his eyes, took a short breath, and you and Taehyun seemed to do the same. Your step-brother held in his laugh, catching a glimpse of Soobin’s dismay.

Turning into the living room with her husband close behind, Joy, dressed in a strapless black jumpsuit that bunched at her ankles, leaving room for her strappy black heels to be tied there, looked over the scene on her floor, then tossed her hands out at her side.

“We’re good, Mom,” you said, grilling her from where you sat. Her tendency to get involved with parenting your children happened more often than the tantrums from the boys. She never had the chance to do it with Taehyun’s kids, so you took the brunt of it all. Another reason to be jealous of Sana.

Jin placed a hand to Joys shoulder and smiled at you, the man knowing how his wife would act. “Let them do their thing.” Joy gasped and whipped around to tap him on the chest of his blue polo.

“Mom,” you sighed, finding that Sunoo was watching them, seeing his grandmother hit his grandfather right after the start of a no-hitting lecture. Joy whirled back around with wide eyes.

“What!” Her laugh made both Taehyun and Minho cringe.

“Just… please, don’t,” you said. Seeming to catch on after scanning the room, Joy pressed her glossy lips together and cocked her chin back. Her eyes landed on the twins, scoped over Soobin’s back, took Taehyun in for a few seconds before she glared at you. For a second her lips parted and your heart sunk through the million dollar floor. “Don’t,” you spat, quickly.

“I’m bringing out the cake,” she muttered, then spun on her toes and led Jin into the kitchen.

At the mention of dessert, Chan poked his head up, his crying having ceased a few moments ago. Sunoo removed his hands from his ears and tilted his head to check on his brother, crouching down like Soobin was. The boy would always try to mirror him.

Subsequently, they both spoke to Chan at once, saying, “Feel better?”

Soobin withheld a smile, but glanced at you before taking his hands around the boy's torso, tugging him onto his lap. Chan curled up, slinging an arm around Soobin’s waist.

“Are you ready to talk?” Soobin asked. Hesitating, it took Chan a few seconds to answer with a head nod. “Can you say the word, please?”

Chan took a breath. “Yes,” he said, voice wobbly.

“It’s okay to be upset,” Soobin kept his focus down, his full attention on his son, no matter how many other people sat in this room. “You’re feeling some really big emotions and I know they’re hard for you to understand right now. Is that right?”

“Yes,” Chan whispered. His eyes found his twin.

“Are you able to tell me what you’re feeling? Can you name your feeling?”

Sunoo said, “Sadness.”

“Sunoo, let Chan answer, okay?” You popped in momentarily, giving the boy a small smile. “That was a really good answer, but let’s hear what your brother wants to name it.”

Soobin didn’t look away from the boy in his arms, not until Chan mumbled, “Anger.”

“Thank you,” Soobin said, leaning down to kiss his forehead. “You’re feeling red, and like you want to yell?” Chan answered with a nod that Soobin allowed. “What happened to make you feel that way?”

Your son hesitated again, this time shrugging his shoulders, mumbling, “I dunno.” Waiting for anything else to come out, Soobin shut his eyes after Chan said, “Because of Daddy.”

“Because I told you not to hit?”

Another nod.

Soobin took a deep breath. “What do you think Daddy felt when he saw you hit Uncle Taehyun? When you know you aren’t supposed to be doing that?” Chan hid his face, muttering something only for Soobin to hear. “Sadness and Anger? Blue and red? How come?” Inaudible mumbles came from your boy. “Right, it’s not okay to hit somebody, and it makes Mama and Daddy upset when you do.” Unburying his face, Chan sat up and rubbed his eyes.

Sunoo put a hand on one of his brother's knees. “I felt Sadness.”

“When I hit?” Chan asked him, and Sunoo bobbed his head. “I am sorry.”

Soobin nudged the boys back. “Go tell who you need to tell.”

Rising to his feet, sniffly as ever, Chan took his time approaching Taehyun’s side, putting a hand gently to his shoulder. Eyes darting around like mad, your son pushed out a quick, “I am sorry I hit you,” and then took two steps backward.

Taehyun, new to the whole idea of how you parent your children, gave Chan a small smile and bowed his head. Chan put his hands over his chest and tilted his head.

“Uncle Taehyun, you say that it’s okay,” Sunoo said, standing to his feet.

Soobin took Sunoo by the hand and shook his head. “Sometimes it doesn’t work that way,” he started, and both twins eyed him curiously, this being the first they’ve heard of the concept. “Sometimes… When we hurt people it affects them, and even though sometimes we say sorry, it doesn’t take away from the fact that we’ve hurt them. Some people will accept your apology, and some people won’t.”

“What if somebody hurts you and they don’t say sorry?” Sunoo asked.

Taehyun met your glance, the power within it blazing hot.

Soobin thought to himself, carefully reading the room, analyzing every energy, old and new. “Then, you have to learn to forgive them yourself, and move on, to heal. Otherwise, you’re stuck with a wound,” he scrunched his nose, “an ouchie, that can hold you back from great things.”

Chan faced Taehyun, his uncle ripping his eyes away from you to look up at him. “Do you accept my… Apology?” The five year old sounded out the word, bobbing his head as he did.

Taehyun seemed to study him, your boy with fluffy hair and sappy eyes. He was about to smile, you could see it ghosting his lips, but he waited, his mouth slightly pulling downward as your boy waited with a patience unknown to his begetter. 

He could see him. 

“I… I do.” Taehyun’s voice was so low it was almost a whisper. “I accept your apology.” He finally smiled, shifting his eyes to you before looking down at Mina gazing up at him.

“She thinks you are pretty,” Sunoo said, getting a laugh out of you, your step-brother and his son. Mina had a habit of staring at things, whether they be right in front of her, on a screen, if she found them enticing.

Soobin let out a harsh, breathy laugh, then stood up with, “No thank you, Sunoo.”

Darting his eyes to Soobin, Taehyun wore a cautious smile, one that grew into fruition, spreading across his cheeks as your husband smiled back, in understanding, a sight you’d never thought you’d live to see.

“Come on,” Soobin held his arms open for Mina who wobbled to her feet and rushed into his fathers hold. The twins stood on alert, eyes full of respect for their father. Once Mina was situated on a hip, her hands grabbing onto Soobin’s t-shirt, he bounced her once and said, “Let’s go sing Happy Birthday to Uncle Tae.”

About an hour after the kids climbed onto Taehyun somehow, scream-sang their birthday song to him, blew out his birthday candles, you found yourself standing around the kitchen island with Soobin and Taehyun. Wonwoo sat on the edge of the counter in front of Soobin, your husband's hands holding his waist while the little one kicked his legs and learned to hold his balance on his own. The other four took off to the second floor, most likely messing with whatever they could find in yours and Taehyun’s old bedrooms.

Jin and Joy were up there with them now, your mother with Mina attached to her hip thankfully, you and Soobin both knowing your two year old would not be left unsupervised with any of the boys. As much as they were airheaded parents, they sure were wonderful grandparents, ever since Rose was born. Even before she was born. Even now that she’s missing her own fathers birthday celebration with his side of the family, cooped up with Sana somewhere down in Avida. They loved her. They loved them all.

Squishing leftover icing on a small ceramic plate on the counter you all stood around, you eyed Taehyun and his full-of-life grin while he spoke with Soobin about Minho and the stuff he’s currently dealing with in school, how fourth grade seemed to be much harder now than it was when the three of you were in elementary school. His eyes sparkled, his eyebrows moved with a calculated ferocity. He was present. He was here, in the room with you, fully.

“Can’t believe you’re thirty-three,” you said once their conversation died down. Taehyun blew a raspberry on his lips and Wonwoo’s head whipped toward him.

“You’re not far behind.” Raising a brow he shot you a look before poking your son's cheek, getting a smile from the little one. 

Smiling at him, you said, “No, I’m not, but at least I’m the last one to get there.” Soobin huffed a laugh, shaking his head. He hit thirty-three first, back in December.

Taehyun gripped the edge of the counter with two hands and cocked his chin backward, in thought, like he was struck with the same realization you were. By the first of April you’d be thirty-three, a while away from the beginning of February, Taehyun’s actual birthday happening last weekend. There was someone meant to fall between you two. The thirteenth of March, the date he’d reach thirty-three, joining Taehyun, leaving you behind.

Soobin’s voice broke through the comfortable silence. “Taehyun, when was the last time you spoke to him?” It was gentle, the question asked in the softest way possible, Soobin’s volume staying within the three feet of space you shared.

Air was knocked from your lungs at the sudden inquiry, not that Soobin never spoke of it before. The two of you planned to ask him, but you weren’t prepared for it to come from your husband's mouth. With one of Wonwoo’s hands wrapped around his finger, Soobin looked at Taehyun with a confidence, one that he’s worn in his eyes since the day he asked you to marry him. One you used to wonder if it was fueled by anything other than pure love.

Taehyun took a long, deep breath, his eyes dancing all over the kitchen. They landed on you for only a second, your own begging him to tell you, to speak to you, to speak to Soobin. It was common for him to shove everything into a box at this point, swallow the pain away, act as if it didn’t have any effect over him. 

But, that was the old Taehyun.

He gulped, sinking into himself for a moment, somehow talking himself out of the hole he was ready to burrow under.

“On my birthday.”

You didn’t mean for your sigh to be as heavy as it was, but it made him close his eyes. “That’s last week.”

He nodded, opening his eyes a bit to stare at the marble under his fingers. “Yeah, he… He called me. But, before then I hadn’t really spoken to him since before Christmas.” He hesitated before adding, “Was nice to hear his voice.”

Clenching your fingers into fists, you brought your bottom lip between your teeth and bit down hard. Across the counter from you Soobin gave you a look so intense it had the power to calm you down without saying a word. With a tiny nod toward your step-brother, Soobin encouraged you to ask him what you needed to ask, tell him what you needed to know. 

“Tae,” you started, voice the smallest it’s ever been. He couldn’t look at you, but he tried. “We… we tried calling him. After you came over that night. Well, it took two days for me to grow the balls to do it.” Soobin nodded along as you spoke, eyebrows pulled to the center of his forehead, feeling everything you were feeling. “We don’t know if he has a new number, or if he was just… busy, because…”

Soobin tilted his head, stretching his free hand across the marble, barely reaching you. Intaking a shaky breath, finding Taehyun's full attention over you, you whispered, “Because I haven’t spoken to him in five years.”

“I know,” Taehyun’s voice was as loud as yours, a whisper, a secret to keep.

“We had a night, after processing a lot,” you nodded with Soobin, the two of you remembering the two days after your outing with your step-brother and how hard it was reliving everything. “And, we decided-”

“You decided,” Soobin cut in for only a moment, always telling you that it would be your choice whether or not to move forward with anything. He’d never let you forget that.

“I decided,” you looked back at Taehyun, “That I… Maybe felt ready to just… contact him and see what happened. Catch up for a second. Check in.”

Whatever emotion struck him across the face was unreadable. “He’s not… No, he can’t. You can’t.” Silence fell. Nobody moved, not even Wonwoo.

Years ago you’d have shouted at him to tell you more, to keep going, to not bottle everything up and keep it to himself. It was the most exhausting way to live, to have nothing but half assed explanations and lazy reasons as to why things were the way that they were. It was his coping mechanism, you’ve learned. He despised confrontation, he’d do anything to avoid being completely honest, because everything hurt him as much as it hurt you.

Now, two grown adults who were no longer sloppy children, you didn’t want to shout. You didn’t want to fight. You also didn’t want to push him away, knowing that if you ever did you’d be putting him back in that horrible place he fought so hard to get out of. So, you waited, for as long as he needed.

And, after a few minutes, Taehyun said, “He doesn’t use his phone, but he has the same number. It’s with Jungkook, all of his stuff is. Up in Soro, he still lives there with Chaeyoung and Tzuyu.”

“Jungkook does,” you clarified, and he nodded. 

“You don’t know anything that’s happened, do you?” His question struck your heart. A sharp, twisting pain you haven’t felt since your twins were born.

Reaching a hand into your back pocket you slid the piece of paper out and unfolded it with shaking hands. Laying it flat on the marble you pointed to a 0% beside the words probable paternity. Taehyun swallowed hard, touching the edge of the paper, sliding it closer to him.

“I know one thing that’s happened,” you said. “And so do you.” He gave you a look, your stomach twisting in knots at the teal-green emotion within his eyes your kids would be able to name. “Thought this would be a nice birthday present.” He attempted to wipe the look off his face, but he was unsuccessful. “Now we know for sure, and if Joy has some shit to say we have proof.”

Soobin didn’t bother to clock your bad word. Not right now.

“Taehyun,” you whispered, eyes darting back and forth between his beautiful brown gaze. “Where is he?”

10/7/2023…I don’t know why it’s so scary when the scariest part of my life so far has been becoming your dad. Knowing that I was struggling, knowing that I was so unhappy, it was what I had to do. She needed to go back, I know that. There wasn’t anything left for her here, nothing I could give her so she could live her best life. That’s why I admire him so much. Soobin. That’s a good man. That’s the man you need to grow up to be. To step up when a loser rolls over and runs away. To love someone unconditionally. To protect the person you love. It’s something I could never do, I just brought harm. I brought pain, and even when I had the chance to do something about it… I ran away. I don’t want to blame my brain for it, I really don’t, always hated doing that ‘cause it’s not an excuse, but… It’s my life. I know what I’m like, even though I'm not always there. My brother always told me I was really good at being self-aware and suffering because of it. So here I am. Suffering because of it. I’m not saying any of this for pity, because trust me it feels wrong to be writing any of this down. Self-aware. I’m saying this so you know the truth. So you know who I am, who your dad was. In case anything happens, in case I don’t ever get to meet you. I love you both, and I love your mom. Listen to her, listen to Soobin. Take after him, take after the good men in your life. Grow up strong, and smart, and kind hearted. Love your friends, love your family, love yourselves. Do good things, be good. I want nothing more than for you to have the most wonderful life…

go to the last one | nmwid masterlist | creu

In the shadows, the dark of his room, you laid in silence, the buzz of a high just beginning to wear off as the two of you started to fall into a slumber. His hands were warm against your back, the boy always a degree hotter than you. The fingers on his right hand danced along your skin, soothing you as the rhythm of his breath relaxed you, your body rising and falling against his.

You’ve slept in this spot for a month. Over the last thirty days you’ve occupied this side of the bed, stealing kisses in the dead of the night before waking up and making horrible decisions between shifts at Haven.

Twenty was years in the past now, a distant memory, a part of you you’ve separated yourself from. A part of you that took work to separate yourself from. And yet, somehow, despite the self-hatred, the guilt, the shame, it was too damn easy to slip back into. 

Sliding a leg up his side, you hooked it around his waist and moved even closer to him, if it were possible. Nudging his chin with the top of your head, you brush your nose along his jaw and look up at him with blurry eyes. With a deep breath he looked down at you, pressing his forehead to yours, the smallest smile gracing his lips. 

“Hi,” you whispered.

“Hi,” he whispered back to you. His fingers pressed into your skin, holding you tight.

Little space remained between you, just the shared air falling from your lips. The first week or so you spent nights back to back, not daring to cross the boundary that seemed to split the bed in half. Even after you’d spend your days stripped half naked with two of them too intoxicated to process what you’d been doing, the two of you didn’t take it further. That’s how it began.

Somewhere in the middle of it all something happened, fate maybe, and it turned into more than just hooking up. The time in between was spent together, just the two of you. Cooking together, dancing about his kitchen in nothing but his t-shirt, visiting his mother in the care center she lived in now, bringing her new books to read and her favorite snacks. He told you he hadn’t seen her smile as big as she did the first time you came since his brother last visited with his daughter.

The nights, like the one you were spending with him now, turned into days of domestic behavior you’ve only experienced with one other person.

“What are you thinking about?” you asked, your voice barely audible, like it’d disturb the peace of the night. 

He was quiet, taking his time to respond. The glimmer in his dark brown eyes warmed your heart. “You,” he breathed, nudging your nose with his. His hands slipped lower over your hips, squeezing the curve of your ass. “This.”

A laugh escaped you both as you wriggled in his hold. “Beomgyu!” A gasp ripped through you. Situating his hands over your back where they were, he smiled and closed the inches between your lips, catching them in a heated kiss. 

Pushing you backward into the mattress, he dipped down, his chest meeting your own, keeping you close to him. It amazed you how clingy he’d become over the time you’ve spent here with him, he could rarely let you go. If you were in the same room he had to be touching you somehow, and if you weren’t he’d hunt you down and stick to your side.

Things between you two were left unsaid years back, after everything with you and Taehyun had gone down, it was as if an unspoken wall had been built between you and Beomgyu. Neither of you spoke of it, but you knew it was there. You could blame the pain of the break up, the exhaustion behind the reason you never jumped into something that was standing right there. 

Over time you boiled it down to him just being your friend. You valued that side of him more than anything else, and you didn’t want to lose it. For a couple of years it was just the two of you, hand in hand, watching your step-brother, Beomgyu’s best friend, live his amazing life. Though on top of that, Beomgyu seemed to reject whatever you’d throw his way, using his age-old excuse of how you belong to Taehyun, or something.

With the way he spread your legs open with his knees in this moment, maneuvering a hand between your bodies to push himself into you, you wondered when he finally got over it. You wondered if Taehyun knew. If he cared. 

Head thrown back, cries falling from your lips, you wondered if any of it mattered. You and Beomgyu, you devoured one another night after night, day after day, and no one seemed to care. 

Taehyun knew you were here, he knew you spent nights here. He knew you left Soobin and had been living here for over a month. He’d drank with you, he’d brought you pills to take, he’d been inside of you, he’d kissed your lips. He’d done it all, sneaking away from a life he’d created on his own to ruin yours, stripping you naked, taking you everywhere around the house he pleased as long as Beomgyu came along, and he always did. It was that way for two weeks.

It was only once that Taehyun had you to himself, while Beomgyu worked. He had snuck in like he was eighteen all over again, like he’d gone back in time and turned back into the boy who’d loved you so deeply, so unlawfully. Walking through the door into a dimly lit house, barely saying a word as he took your hand, an uncertainty written all over his face, his lips unmoving, yet trembling with a weight only you could understand. His body moved without a thought, like yourself, tumbling headfirst back into a comfortable life that had the power to burst your heart into flames. You knew him, you knew his body, you knew the things that he could do and the things he could make you feel. You loved him, and that night was the last night you got the chance to.

You haven’t seen him since. 

Now edging the fifth week, he was happily at home with his family. His wife, his children.

And you were here, in Beomgyu’s bed, where you maybe should’ve been from the very start. 

And though you were content here, very content as Beomgyu flipped you over on top of him so he could press his thumb to the place that’d make your eyes roll back and your toes curl, that small piece of you that you buried deep within your subconscious seemed to grow a little each night. The slightest ache. A crack in the sureness that this was what you missed, that this was what you wanted.

Something was missing. Something wasn’t right.

You loved him, you loved every single manic bit of him. But, it wasn’t it. He wasn’t him.

He wasn’t Soobin.

He was chaos in more ways than one, a constant whirlwind who hadn’t learned or obtained any sort of stability in his adult life, not that you could blame him. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t ever his fault.

You loved him, deeply, truly you did, but a life like this, like the one you’d been away from for years… It wasn’t one you could live in anymore.

10/7/2022 …Holy shit you’re growing so fast. I blinked and you turned into little men. Four years old. It’s been four years. Four years and I still can’t get it right. Shit, that’s not what this is about, this is about you and you being four. You know my niece is eleven, your cousin, Tzuyu. Getting to watch her grow up makes me wonder what you’re like, because in some ways she’s part of me. The better parts because she came from Jungkook, but still. I bet you’re funny. I already know you’re smart, so smart. Your personalities are a mystery to me. Even though I’m dying to know what you’re like, it’s better this way. For now. I know I said I’d get it straight soon, and I didn’t, but I promise I’m doing my best. I won’t let you down. I can’t let you down. I hope and I pray that you understand that, or that someday you’ll understand it. It’s bad right now, I don’t even know if I should tell you that, but I need to be honest. That’s one of the steps, one of the things we have to do. Be honest. Well, it’s to make amends of sorts. I don’t know. I’m still trying to keep them in line. Love her, please…

go to the fifth one | nmwid masterlist | creu

“Help, help!” Sunoo watched his brother, his pudgy hands gripping the hem of his shirt. He looked up at you with his big brown eyes that had potential to melt you into the floor.

Peeking over your shoulder, giving them a sly smile, your fingers worked at the plastic bag you had slapped to the countertop. Both boys giggled, Chan gripping his cheeks as Sunoo tossed his hands in the air.

As they grew older, as they came into their own, it got easier to tell them apart. Identical in nearly every way, you and Soobin fought through some hard times within their first year of life. Sleepless nights of accidentally swapping them in their cribs, leading into exhausting days of putting the wrong onesie with the wrong name on the collar of the wrong kid… The day they turned eight months old the two of you had had enough and painted Chans middle finger red. 

Now that they were about to turn two, there wasn’t any nail polish needed. The twins took after you in many ways, but it was evident that Chan took after his father the older he grew. His features were softer, rounder. His chin came into the same perfect point, his cheeks and lips fuller than his brothers.

It wasn’t something you dwelled on, unless it was past midnight and you and Soobin were curled in the center of your bed beneath the warmth of the blankets where you’ve shed many tears. As much as they got from you, they got from him, and though Chan seemed to swipe his entire face, you’d have to one day deal with looking him in the eyes, everyday, for the rest of your life. 

That face looked up at you now, and though you were conditioned to yearn at this point, you were on an exciting mission, one your boys were going to help you with.

“You both get one, okay?” Pulling out two hamburger buns from the plastic bag, you handed one to each twin while they giggled and danced on their toes. They stared at the bun in awe, like they were awarded pure gold instead of just simply helping their mother, holding bread. “What are they?”

Sunoo glanced at you and held it up. “Bread!” His tiny shout couldn’t pronounce the R sound.

Chan eyed his brother, then laughed aloud. “Bread!” His shout was the same.

“It’s a bun,” you said with a smile, taking one out of the package for yourself. Two steps away was the oven, and sure enough the twins waddled behind you, watching everything you did laser focused. “Mama’s gonna put hers in here.” 

“Why?” Sunoo asked, pointing at the grey oven. “Mama, why?”

“Why?” Chan parroted, holding his hands out to the side in question. “Why, why?”

Sitting down on the floor, crossing your legs beneath you, the boys squatted next to you. “Because, we’re gonna surprise Daddy, okay?”

“Okay,” they both said, Chan staring at the bread.

“Bun,” he babbled quietly. “Bun, bun, bun.”

“Yes!” Half shouting, both boys jumped. “Oh, I’m sorry,” you laughed, pulling them both into your lap. Sunoo giggled, Chan tried to wriggle away. “Mama’s happy.” 

“Happy?” Sunoo’s little voice mumbled, relaxing back in your hold. His twin froze, then did the same, looking up at you in question. “Mama, happy.”

“Happy,” Chan said, neither twin able to pronounce the first letter yet.

Kissing them over their fuzzy hair that was barely long enough to do anything with, you sighed. “Mama’s so happy,” you said, then blinked a couple times. The unease in your gut, that was most likely simply nausea, rolled through you. This time was already much different than the last. “And nervous.”

“Why?” Chan asked, mumbling the word a few more times, turning the bread around in his fingers, inspecting it. The twins were barely two but had an excellent idea of how to keep conversation already, even if it wasn’t on purpose and just what they were used to hearing from their parents. Sunoo watched you, a calmness within him inspiring your own.

“I think because this time it’s…” You cut yourself short, not wanting to finish any thought that came to your mind. Looking down at your boys, at the two who changed your life forever, who have already taught you so much in their two short years of life, you didn’t mean anything you could say at the end of that thought. 

This time it was real? The babies sitting on your lap, gazing up at you like you’re their whole world were very much real. This time it’s because you’re doing it with a husband and not doing it alone? Soobin’s been around since the start, this time wouldn’t be any different. No thought made sense. There was no reason to be upset, no reason to feel lost. 

Beneath this roof, with these boys, all three of them, you were safe, you were loved, you were taken care of. Adding another little one to mix would be nothing short of incredible.

Amidst your inner turmoil and the boys sitting patiently on your lap, the front door popped open, sending the twins to their feet. Shouting different variations of the word Dada, or Daddy, their little feet took them flying around the corner and down the hall, leaving you behind with nerves shooting through every vein.

Soobin greeted the boys, his light hearted tone warming your heart. “What are you holding? Are you eating those?”

“Bun!” Chan shouted, and you giggled quietly, unmoving from the floor. Tucking your knees into your chest, you bit your bottom lip and waited.

“Yes, bun, good job,” Soobin said, then groaned as the boys laughed. Knowing he scooped them up in his arms, he’d definitely be headed this way. “Why do we have them, is Mama cooking?”

“Mama, hide,” Sunoo told him matter-of-factly. “Mama, bun, hide.”

Soobin made a sweet sound, encouraging them both to keep talking. “Mama has a bun, too? Did she hide it?” Their voices came closer, eventually turning the corner where Soobin spotted you on the floor, failing to hold back a smile. A smirk grew on his lips. “What’s going on?” All you could do was shrug. Chan whined, wiggling around, so Soobin set them both on the floor, stepping a bit closer to you. “Are you okay?” He dropped his chin a bit, a serious glimmer shooting across his expression.

“Yes,” you answered fast, nodding. Soobin nodded back, slowly, then lifted his eyes to the counter and the package of hamburger buns there. “Do you want one?” When he looked back at you, he laughed, utterly confused.

“What?” He reached down toward the boys who were waving their buns at him. “Buns, yes!” Crouching down to be the same height as the rest of his family, Soobin took the buns the boys offered him, then laughed. “What the heck is going on?”

Chan and Sunoo, stepping backward, both proud that Soobin had taken their offerings, had folded their hands over their chests, then looked at you. “Mama, bun, hide,” Sunoo said again, pointing at you.

“Is this a new kitchen game, or something?” Soobin asked, furrowing his brows. 

Shaking your head, you pressed your lips together. “Not a game.”

“Mama, bun, hiiide!” Sunoo drug out the words, bouncing on his knees.

Soobin shot him a wild look, and decided to finally play along. “Oh no! Where is it?” Chan laughed maniacally, then skipped toward the oven. Sunoo watched him, then followed, running to his brother's side, throwing his arms around his back. “Show me!”

Looking at you for approval, you bobbed your head. “Show Daddy, go ahead.”

“I swear, if this is some prank to scare me,” Soobin muttered, glancing at you.

A grin erupted over your face. If you had to pick your favorite thing you’ve learned about him over the years, it was how easily scareable he was. “I promise, it’s not.” You hoped. 

This had the potential to really scare him. 

Chan gently pushed his brother off of him, then pressed his face against the window on the front of the oven, his nose squishing against the glass. Sunoo copied him, taking up the space next to him. Soobin let out a soft laugh at their faces, then shook his head.

“Where is it at?” He sat on the floor and scooted closer to the boys, moving behind them. Taking them both by the waist, he pulled them onto his lap and side eyed you. The twins covered their cheeks and laughed, the sound echoing off the walls. Folding your hands together, the skin clammy, you squeezed your own fingers and gulped. “This game is… easy!” Soobin tickled the boys, one hand on each belly, and they giggled incessantly. “I’m going to win!”

“Daddy, win! Win!” Chan shouted, his high pitched voice making you laugh.

Soobin, shifting Sunoo into the middle of his lap, reached up for the handle on the oven and pulled it open, revealing the hamburger bun on the center grate. Gasping aloud, twins shouting with excitement, Soobins eyes squeezed shut with laughter. After a moment of the boys losing their minds, he gave you a look.

Heart rate skyrocketing, electricity buzzing beneath your skin, you couldn’t ease your smile. “What?” You asked in the quietest voice.

Soobin looked at the bun, then back at you. “What do I win?” The twins sat up in his arms, babbling nonsense to each other while watching their parents converse. “I found the bun.”

Your jaw dropped open. Taking a look at your masterpiece, an idea you stole from the internet, you huffed a laugh. “What is that?”

Soobin did a once over of the dormant oven. He shrugged. “A hamburger roll in the oven?”

“Bun!” Sunoo shouted before grabbing Chan's ankles, the two attempting to wrestle on their giant of a fathers lap. 

Soobin widened his eyes and smiled. “Bun, right, a hamburger bun in the oven, thank you, Sun.” Meeting your gaze, your half disappointed, half amused gaze, Soobin adjusted his posture, sitting up straight. “What?” He sighed, seemingly defeated. “A hamburger bun, that’s in the oven.”

Moving closer to him, you whispered, “Just a bun.” Sliding a hand over his thigh, dragging it over his pants and then around his back and up the back of his shirt, you smiled at his sudden flusteredness. “It’s just a bun, Soobin. Where is it?” His brows nestled in the center of his forehead, his eyes darting to your lips for a second. “In the oven,” he said, tone lower than ever before.

“Who’s oven?”

Hesitating, his booksmart brain doing the math, he whispered, “Our… oven.” The room grew quiet, the twins having resorted to chewing on their fingers or inspecting their little toes. Soobin blinked twice, thought to himself, then, all at once, the puzzle clicked. “Your’s, holy crap,” he whispered in a rush, spinning on his bottom to face you, the twins laughing as they moved with him. “Your oven, there’s a bun in… Oh my god?”

Leaning into him, over the twins, caging them beneath the two of you, you smiled. “We’re having a baby.” Tipping his head backward, eyes squeezing shut, he sighed. After a few moments of the boys patting him, asking him what was wrong, he took their hands to soothe them, then gazed at you with teary eyes. 

He couldn’t say much, you knew if he tried he’d cry. Wrapping your arms around his shoulders, you pressed a kiss to his lips, a long one that triggered some tears anyway. Pulling away, touching your forehead to his, you drug your thumbs over his cheeks and whispered, “You’re gonna be a dad.”

Soobin’s face lit up for a moment, then pulled into a sure as ever smile as he cradled the twins. “I already am.”

10/7/2021 …At least that’s what Taehyun told me! That you love your new sister so much. Hard to believe you weren’t even three yet before she was here. I’m excited for you, to have a sister. I only grew up with a big brother. Now you guys are the big brothers! It’s your responsibility to protect her. She’s got a great dad, and we already know she’s got the best mom. That makes you guys the best big brothers. You’re getting older now, you’re becoming your own people, that’s… that’s so cool. I hope you guys are the coolest kids around. But, I also hope you guys are the happiest kids. When I see you, you’re laughing, and it’s the most amazing sound I’ve ever heard in my life. Still baffles me that you’re here, that you’re mine. I think about you everyday. I’m gonna get it straight at some point, I promise. I’m gonna do it for you. It’s gonna be okay, we’ll be okay. Hug her, love her, she deserves it…

go to the fourth one | nmwid masterlist | creu

Cross legged you sat on the floor, keeping a watchful eye over your twins, Chan biting on the colorful blocks sprawled everywhere while Sunoo crawled around on the carpet exploring his favorite space in the house. 

They were a year and almost three months old, having celebrated their birthdays back in October right here in their home. Your entire family showed up, Joy and Jin popping in an hour earlier than expected with piles of wrapped boxes in their arms for your boys to open later. Later finding out they were boxes of clothes and shoes, specially ordered from a designer Joy was currently hyper fixated on, along with a check in the card for an amount of money you and Soobin positively could not accept, and a promise to redo the boys bedrooms as they grew older.

The clothes were nice, as were the shoes. You’re sure Sana accepted these kinds of gifts when her baby’s were turning a year old, but your boys simply wouldn’t last. They’d get all but one use out of each outfit with how careful one needed to be with the fabrics. You were raising twin boys, twin boys that were just learning to stand and still needed assistance with eating. Blow outs were still a common occurrence, both you and Soobin were tossing out multiple onesies weekly.

Both Chan and Sunoo hated shoes. Hated them. Once they were slipped on, they were kicked off. Soobin began keeping track of when the boys did it, when they were frustrated by sensory things, even though they were only a year old. Both of them, to a certain degree, were already showing signs of sensory distress.

Important things to pay attention to, Soobin had told you one night after a day of fighting with the little ones to put any kinds of clothes on.

He reminded you that they were still baby’s on top of everything else that flooded your brain, leaving you in equal distress. Somehow his words relieved you for the time being.

About a week ago, Christmas Day, your mother and step father insisted on the stacks of presents you and Soobin’s disapproving eyes fell upon. Many of the gifts weren’t even for your twins, but for the two of you, and they were unseriously backhanded.

A brand new toaster the two of you couldn’t even begin to afford, to replace that old thing you’ve had since college, Soobin! A blender, an ice maker, an air fryer, a whole new set of silverware… All things you and your husband didn’t want. Things you didn’t need.

Things you accepted with grace, and gratitude. Though you joked a few times about selling them online to add to the boys bank accounts. As much as you appreciated the gifts, helping with the boys' futures was ideal, and something you’ve mentioned. Many times. Soobins mother was the only one to listen, and she could barely afford to do so herself.

Taehyun and Sana didn’t come around for Christmas, they spent it down at their home in Avida. Sana’s parents and apparently many members of her family spent it there with the family of four, or so as Joy informed you while the two of you each cradled a twin as your husbands cooked dinner. It didn’t surprise you to learn her family stayed there, their house could fit a plethora of couples within it, the thing was giant, nearly bigger than the one you were raised in. 

You hadn’t seen Taehyun since the twins' birthday party, only him and his son, Minho, who was five years old making an appearance for a couple of hours before Sana called him home. They mostly stuck to themselves, Minho exploring around the twins' toys for a bit, or snuggling on his grandfather's lap.

Few words were exchanged between you and your step-brother, who was surprisingly sober. 

Hopefully for the sake of his son, Soobin had mumbled, having exchanged no words with the man dressed in black. Those two had it out for one another, whether your intuition over Taehyun’s aversion to Soobin was true or not.

Taehyun watched the boys crawl around, watched them interact with Soobin’s family, and kept his eye on them all while hugging the walls, like he was collecting recon. From time to time he’d send messages on his phone, and you wondered if it was to his wife, or to one guest invited not in attendance.

A boy you hadn’t spoken to in almost two years.

Behind you, Soobin pulled you closer between his legs, either one settling by your sides. You slotted in perfectly between his knees and allowed your head to lull backward onto him. Looking up at him from where you sat on the floor, you gave him the smallest of smiles, one he returned. Leaning over you, he pressed an upside down kiss to your lips, staying there for a few seconds before he pulled away and pressed one to your forehead.

“I’m glad you’re here,” he whispered against your skin. A slight pain speared through your heart, one that made an appearance on your brows. Soobin clicked his tongue and kissed you in the same spot, willing the discomfort away. “None of that. Look at our boys.”

Our boys.

Lifting your head, Soobin wrapped his arms around your chest and rested his chin over your hair. You both let out a laugh at once as the twins suddenly became aware of one another occupying the same space. Sunoo had crawled in front of Chan, the two sitting on their bottoms smiling at each other. They babbled incoherently at the same time, making the other laugh. Then, Sunoo lifted a hand and attempted to grab onto Chan’s foot, making his brother squeal and kick his legs like crazy. The oldest of the two watched his twin make a scene, then copied him.

“They’re best friends,” Soobin said quietly to not distract the boys. “Two happy little best friends, how lucky are they?”

“So lucky,” you whispered, holding onto his wrists with a grip that had potential to leave a mark behind. The little ones wouldn’t be here smiling at one another if it weren’t for the man wrapped around you.

The pain within was too much to bear. The dizzying nausea, the crippling, stay in bed type of sadness that infected your limbs every single day. The heartbreak that came in waves, typically crashing whenever Soobin held one of the boys, or both, rocking them to sleep, or soothing their cries. An emptiness, a disconnect that kept you so far away from accepting his love no matter how hard you tried, making you wonder if the guilt was ever going to leave, or, if you’d be forced to live your life stuck this way, in a push and pull of loss, shame, and gut wrenching heartbreak.

10/7/2020…You’re getting so big, you’re walking already, that means you guys are smart. That means you guys are taking after your mom because no way in hell will you be getting any smarts from me. Part of me feels guilty writing this all down on paper instead of saying it to you, when I could be saying it to you, but I know one day you’ll understand why. I have no clue what comes of these letters, these pieces of me to you, so I have no idea when you’ll ever read this, so I’ll spare you your dads complaints. It makes me so happy to see your mom smile. Last time I saw her she was smiling, she was happy. You make her happy. Soobin makes her happy. You’re living a beautiful life, and that makes me happy. You’re safe, taken care of. You deserve that. Don’t forget to love her…

go to the third one | nmwid masterlist | creu