I think that the idea of Yoshiki and Hikaru finding home and belonging with one another is very appealing to me because in all honesty, I kind of want that in my own life as well. But the thing with them is… well, to be fair, shit happened bc of supernatural circumstances outside of their control…. But at the same time, it’s also the way that they kept on choosing to put in an effort and understanding one another. I mean… with Hikaru, he already has this child like wonder and curiosity to the world around him because of living for the first time. But it’s also how overtime, especially after Yoshiki finally fully sees him and accept him regardless of what he is and who he is, he puts in an effort to understand the human the experience and also how other humans are. And this is also because he himself wants to understand better, especially for the sake of Yoshiki. Meanwhile Yoshiki, puts in an effort to try and understand what it is that Hikaru is— not only out of morbid curiosity, but also in the sense of trying to understand him better-! They both deeply care about each other and that takes them to the place where they are in the last episode of the first season (also because I still need to continue the manga).
In real life, it’s kinda harder to get to that point with someone else, especially when that means that it makes you vulnerable specifically to getting hurt. In my personal case, whenever I get closer to people, the more I get attached to them and want more from them. And by that I mean… that I wanna stay around them longer, especially when I feel most myself and that I have the permission to be able to do so…. Especially when we’re allowed to basically be more like ourselves around each other. I want them to be happy and I grow to care about them more.
Eventually, they start feeling like home and it’s difficult because I’m used to that being just a temporary thing. And when I start having hope and feel like it’s going to last, I want to get even closer to the person… I get clingier and like in a literal sense want to get closer with them and I want to touch them and feel them…and to know more. Kinda to the point of being greedy, in a way. But that’s dangerous because for me because it’s often a one-sided want. Often times I find myself having whatever feelings I have unrequited— which by the way I’ve realized it’s often is difficult for me to figure out if those feelings are romantic, especially when it gets muddled the closer I get to people. Honestly a lot of hindsight has made me wonder if I really did have feelings like that for other people or was it part of a performance that I had to do because it was expected of me in the role that I was in. Or was it both? To varying degrees? Shifts that happen over time? And then in other times, I’m just straight up blind to how other people care about me and to what extent it is, especially when it’s not explicitly said or acted upon. it’s easier to identify things in fiction rather than it is in real life. A part of it is because you can get yourself inside the head of the characters while in real life you can’t really do that with other people. All you can really do is infer and also communicate.
Something I learned throughout the years— not just in stories, but also an experience— is that often times people seem like they’re well put together and that they’ve figured stuff out but they’re actually just as lost as you are. They actually have a lot of thoughts and a lot of worries. And you can’t just conclude that what you see is just is. Often times there’s a lot of stuff happening beneath the surface and everyone just figuring stuff out at the same time as you, whatever stage in life they may be in. Sometimws all you can do is be kind, not give up and try to reach out. And also to keep an open mind.
To be honest, I think about Hikaru a lot. I feel like his experience is just too damn relatable even if I’m personally not an actual eldritch being stuck in a corporeal body and stuff like that. Although I do admit that it feels like it sometimes… Like you’re other and that you belong everywhere but nowhere at the same time. And you’re so so very lonely. You’re surrounded by people that you have to try really hard to fit in with and what are you going to do with yourself if they ever actually see you? All of you? How disgusted would they be if they find the sides of yourself that isn’t really all that appealing to the general public? The sides of you that aren’t acceptable? How much of seeing you would it take for them to leave? How much does it take until you hurt someone again? even if it wasn’t intentional. You used to be so free, but then you learned shame. And now sometimes it feels like it will be better for you if you could just hide away so you wouldn’t have to hurt anybody and you wouldn’t have to get hurt. Sometimes it feels like people would have been better off if you weren’t around at all.
You live in a world that has all these rules and expectations— and often times people don’t even teach these to you. You’re supposed to infer that from your surroundings and how other people act around you, but then you dont pick that up immediately and sometimes don’t even fully get it. Then you’re treated like some sort of alien for it and you feel like some kind of alien for it too. Your experience of the world is so different from a lot of other people. A lot of the things you feel inside feel so undefinable, but because you live in a society that wants everyone to be put in well defined boxes—that everything needs to be this and that— you try to find yourself in where you fit in all of that so you could make sense of everything and yourself. And sometimes you can get close, but it’s not enough to define your entirety.
And that can be so confusing, especially when people give you definitions of yourself based on how they see you-! But the thing is how they see you often isn’t even entirely accurate to yourself either! It’s like what they say in the story itself whenever you try to define that unknown in human terms you end up just… missing everything else-! I’m honestly thinking of a specific panel and shot in the manga where like is the thing with like mince the cat or something? and then it’s also in regards to calling whatever Hikaru is like a monster or a god when that’s still influenced by human perception and its limitations. For me personally, I interpreted it not only as like the limitations of human perception, but as well as the limitations that we have given the basis of the system that we were taught growing up. Our learnt definitions. And so regardless on whether or not these definitions that people give you of yourself are entirely accurate, you still adapt that into yourself and how you view yourself. It’s why overtime Hikaru calls himself gross and a monster. And then he gets trapped by that defenition which only really encapsulates the times where hikaru follows his instincts and or is literally a form of defending himself. That doesn’t capture everything else that is Hikaru. Whether that is the identity that he is able to form because of being able to finally live or even the context before he was able to live for the first time. Again, it’s about boxing him in so he will be more comprehendible. More palatable. more controllable. And isn’t that what that specific company wants? and most likely they want to use him for a lot of their own self-serving morally Dubius or even nefarious plans. They don’t care about Hikaru. They just want what he’s capable of doing. His use.
But that’s not how Yoshiki (and later on his other friends like Asako and in a sense Kurebayashi) see him. Especially after fully seeing and knowing him— or at least knowing more about him. With Yoshiki— sure he started out as more of a replacement for the original Hikaru, but when he basically was given acceptance and permission to basically find who he is beyond the personhood that he inherited from the original Hikaru, he became more than just that. He was given permission to let himself be his own separate weird being and he’s still loved for it. Regardless. A huge factor as to why he clings on to Yoshiki a lot… at first it was original Hikaru’s wish yes but then also Yoshiki‘s kindness in general, but even more so I think that because of how Yoshiki is— especially after his acceptance and care for Hikaru and doing his best to learn more about him and literally save him, that’s what made Hikaru himself get attached to Yoshiki overall separate from the factors that initially drawn him to Yoshiki. Again, he became each other’s safe place and home.. and I just think that’s very neat and I really just want them to be happy in the end to be honest T T
I think it’s very lucky that in a way they were able to find each other and find belonging together in their own weird little way, but whatever it is that they have— because it’s definitely not your typical BL Romance type of relationship kind of thing-! It’s literally why the author defined it as a coming of age horror with it still being a queer story, but not label it as a BL. Because labeling it as a BL in a way box it when their whole thing together is more ineffable than anything basically-! Whatever there is that they have with one another, is just very queer-! And that’s beautiful. I love the story aughghgh. And I haven’t even gotten into the aromantic asexual spectrum aspects of it, and then neurodivergent interpretations that you could get from it as well (although you can probably see where im going at with what spiel I’ve written here so far anyways hajshahahhaa). I say that it’s very lucky because in real life not everybody has that kind of thing. As I’ve said, it’s harder to basically have in real life (though these two have gone through their own fair share of hardships and struggles themselves). Not everyone gets to find their own Yoshiki to their Hikaru and vice versa. and sometimes it never even lasts, and sometimes the lonely people just never find something like that for a very long time if at all.
So I guess that’s kind of why I’m drawn to stories like these as well as a lot of other people— especially as someone who is trans nonbinary, queer, and neurodivergent. In a way,just like how Yoshiki feels that if Hikaru— a ‘monster’— deserves to be loved and cared for and saved then so does he. The story also gives you (and a lot of queer people who read it) hope that you can find belonging acceptance a home love and care out there as well no matter how society others you and shuns you and make you feel like you’re suffering alone. As well as regardless of whatever that may look like and feel like for you-! And again, I guess I just find that really heartwarming and beautiful.
