#aspd?

“He’s been asleep for hours.” I think to myself. I have forgotten how peaceful it is to sleep, I wish I can be completely human again to feel peace. To escape all the negativity in this world, to escape the rotting pain that has toke over most of my body. He keeps writing in his journal about me, Studying everything he can figure about me, to understand me when I don’t speak, or show emotion. It is tough to express my emotions, mostly cause of the rot. I understand how difficult it is for Carlos to study my personality. I don’t know why, I just keep staring at his relaxed unmoving body. It’s so interesting to see how comfortable he is when he doesn’t have to deal with such a wreck in the day. Seeing him like this makes me feel some quite bad for him, I don’t feel this feeling that often or feel empathy for him or no one.. But just seeing Carlos be so stressed and tired makes me feel like this. I would walk up a bit closer towards him, feeling the air near him. He doesn’t feel warm, or hot, but definitely cold. I get a pit feeling in my non existent stomach, I don’t understand what i’m feeling but it feels like to care about someone. I grunted to myself in annoyance. But when I look at Carlos for a moment I think to myself “I can’t just keep him cold all night, or move him to his bed.” I sighed to myself and walked to grab a folded blanket. When I walked back, Carlos was still in the same position as he slept. I unfolded the blanket and gently wrapped it around Carlos’s shoulders, trying to make it feel comfy and warm for him as he slept. I would slowly and carefully pull the journal out beneath his chin. He did stirred for a second which made me freeze. Carlos just tiredly hummed, murmuring silent words that didn’t make sense in his sleep. He then relaxed, going back into a deep sleep. I continued to pull the journal away, closing it and placing it on the top left corner of the working desk. I then walked to his bed, grabbing a small pillow that would be comfortable enough to lay someones chin on without making anything feel numb or sore in the morning. I walked back, carefully grabbing Carlos’s chin away from his arm, replacing it with the pillow. He hummed again in his sleep again, but getting comfortable and adjusting his head against the pillow. I didn’t want to mess with Carlos anymore than I already have, even though it makes me annoyed that his glasses are still on his face as he slept. I went to sit down in the small rocking chair he had in the corner of his room. My mind was racing with random thoughts, “I should have just left him like that and not doing anything for him.” “Oh god why would I do that??? He will bring it up later!” I put my face in my hands and gotten upset with myself. I shake the thoughts out of my mind and stared outside of the window. Watching the moon light gaze down on the field of wheat.

i think its ok tho i mean its Wednesday after all 🤷‍♂️

I'm really hypersexual lately and much more with this guy since December I've been fucking with him and I don't regret nothing but it's kinda shitty to know how useless is my brain when it comes to emotions of any kind, relationships or any kind even friendships and my bad form of thinking like "this person is useful and even if I like them or not that doesn't matter" some days I really feel disgust? About myself and my incapacity of feeling like everyone else lol