#asotu

After the Warblers' reunion and the night they had spent at the Smythes', well … there was silence. An everlasting silence. They had laughed and talked, and made out a bit, and eventually, they exchanged numbers, but in reality, nothing happened afterwards. For three weeks.

Now, Kurt hates the idea of anchoring himself to yet another man when his success is ascending. However, he can't help but let it affect him.

He has been in an awful mood for days. Despite the sincerity Sebastian seemed to talk with that night, it is incredibly difficult for Kurt to give a value to it now. He wants to, he really does. He wants to believe that Sebastian was as interested as he seemed, and rationally, he knows he could be the one to call or text. What would that make him though? The one who gets his head into another man, whom he believes to be a potential partner only to be let down again? You can't blame him for not wanting that with his experience. People are not the way you see them; people are the way they are. It seems logic, but if Kurt had acknowledged this apparently basic science earlier, he would have had easier seasons of love.

When it's been too long and calling would feel extremely weird, Kurt is a bit disappointed in himself as he holds on to the last desperate occasion he gets: Warblers reunion, of course. He is even grateful that the Warblers are so deep into each other's … hearts, that they meet so often, because it's just the perfect excuse. Meeting Sebastian, starting a casual conversation, connecting again without looking like he's been smashing his head against a wall (now, now, Kurt wouldn't actually do that … more than once a week).

However his plans blow when Sebastian is not present. Kurt is rightfully upset, only towards the wrong person. He should be mad at himself for having literally flown the country for a man he hasn't heard of in weeks rather than texting him. Instead, for the night, Kurt is mad at Sebastian and his stupid pretty face, and his charming voice, and his obnoxious CW hair adult version and especially his stupid mustache.

Come morning, gone home though, he has settled his own anger and translated it into productive energy for his new designs. That ought keep him busy (and successful as he intends to stay) enough not to think of Sebastian. There weren't any explicit deals for them after that night, honestly, Kurt didn't even tell Sebastian where he wanted them to be, even when asked. Maybe they're both a bit at fault for being extremely bad at communication, but whatever. It was promising, but what's done is done. Kurt can't afford sinking now, so he'd rather avoid the matter completely.

Another week goes by in complete silence, Kurt has almost forgotten about the whole thing by attending a few minor galas and being stuck in his office until late.

On a Sunday morning, here's the twist.

When someone rings at the door of his apartment, Kurt is sure it's Rachel. She's the only person who would show up at nine in the morning, on a cloudy Sunday. She is also the only person who would know Kurt is awake.

The shock on his face when he opens the door to Sebastian Smythe must be so evident from the way Sebastian is smirking. Honestly, Kurt was almost starting to believe their night together was a vision or something.

“You?” He asks, agitated. “Wha-what are you doing here? You're … I'm …”

When he figures there is no way he'll manage to ask proper questions other than the ones he spoke, he just leaves it to Sebastian, who's standing there, tall and good-looking and partly amused, partly apologetic.

“There's no way to make this sound less creepy, and you know I have no filters.” Sebastian anticipates before he explains. “But you haven't called me and I haven't called you, and look at what that did to my ego. I'm knocking on your door early, on a Sunday morning. What a loser.”

Kurt forces himself not to smile, but he can feel his lips tilt a bit despite the effort.

“So you came all the way to New York …” He begins, then pauses. “Wait, do you live here or something?”

“Seriously, you are always here!” Sebastian exclaims, grinning and parroting Kurt's voice a bit.

It takes Kurt a few seconds to understand what he's talking about, but then holding his laugh is practically impossible.

“I can't believe you remember that!” He sounds almost scolding as he laughs and blushes a bit.

“Yeah, no hard feelings.” Sebastian grins and nods towards the inside of Kurt's apartment. “Will you let me or do I have to woo my way in?”

“Ugh, that wouldn't turn out well for you.” Kurt shrugs, but moves aside to make room for him. “Because you're awful at wooing, but also because I'm creeped out that you came here and seem to remember anything I ever said in high school.”

Once Sebastian has walked in, without any need for further permission, Kurt closes the door and follows. Sebastian makes himself at home, strolls along the hallway to sit on Kurt's couch in the living room. He pats it, but for once it's experimental and not to invite Kurt to join him.

“Nice.” Sebastian says, lips curled up as he seems to have a particular love for Kurt's couch. That can't turn out well. “So, yeah, I live here. I mean, in New York, but I wouldn't mind living on this couch.”

Kurt rolls his eyes, but despite his best effort he is smiling. It's hard to act like he's not happy to see Sebastian. He just is, no matter the complications, and while Kurt is a talented actor, he can't find a good reason to pretend.

“What brings you here, beside your apparent stalking routine thanks to which you even figured where I live?” He asks, while sitting next to Sebastian. Not too close, not too far.

“Blaine told me you lived here.” Sebastian says casually as he explores the room with his eyes. “He's so naive. I told him that you forgot a scarf at the Warblers reunion. I didn't even have to come up with a good excuse.”

“You still haven't told me why you where making up excuses to find me.” Kurt prompts, and finally Sebastian looks at him.

His eyes are turned in his direction with such intensity and life inside them, that it makes Kurt breathless for a moment. His skin almost itches in every point Sebastian lays his eyes on and before he can have a better hold of his own actions, Kurt's pressing his own lips together, not in a thin line, but in the way you press them when you're preparing them.

Sebastian's eyes flick to his lips.

Kurt's heart skips a beat.

“Kurt.” He says, sounds like a plea Kurt is willing to fulfill.

Only when Sebastian barely shifts, from his spot, Kurt's tongue wins over his will.

“So you came here? For me?” He says obviously, probably sounds a bit idiotic. “You … asked for my address, came here and knocked on my door to … spend some time with me?”

Sebastian's lips tilt into a smirk and it is a bit concerning that Kurt can read the quality time joke, even though Sebastian does not say it.

“Yeah. That's it.” He says like it's the most natural thing in the world.

Even if Kurt didn't want to kiss him before, he really wants to kiss him now.

“You don't strike me as a romantic.” Kurt complains, mentally scolding his own brain for not just dropping it.

“Ew, I'm not, what the hell?” Sebastian almost looks offended. “It's not romantic if I want to be with you, then I stalk you through your friends and knock on your door after weeks of radio silence-”

“I meant.” Kurt interrupts. “I meant, it's romantic that you want to spend some time with me, then you just make it happen. Because you think it's simple. That's nice.”

Sebastian looks a bit uncomfortable, like he's not used to have these conversations. This one, Kurt saw it coming.

“Well, I'm not like that, but fuck it.” Sebastian drops his back against the couch. “You wouldn't call me and – I swear if you make fun of this I'm gonna head out right now – I was freaking scared to call you, so even though it was a bit creepy-”

“What?” Kurt frowns.

“I know it was creepy.”

“No! I mean ...” Kurt interrupts once more, unawarely moving closer and speaking softer. “Why were scared to call me?”

Sebastian gives him an exasperated look, but it's clear that they're used to different ways. Kurt has learned that keeping things benefits no one. It's always best to just be honest. Eventually, Sebastian seems to come to the conclusion that not speaking wouldn't make sense, since he's come here.

“What if you didn't pick up? Or worse ...” He looks away from Kurt, maybe blushing a little, Kurt can't be sure from that angle. “What if we did talk and we had one of those super awkward conversation people have after … things like what we had, I don't know. Fear isn't always well-motivated.”

Kurt isn't sure what there is on his face, but when Sebastian looks at him, he appears surprised with what he meets.

“I felt the same.” Kurt confesses, shrugging with a bit of relief in his tone. “I'm so sorry that I haven't called or anything. Believe me, I wanted to, so much.”

Sebastian's lips tilt into a genuine (and beautiful) smile.

“Oh I wish I could not believe you, but I can relate.” He says as he leans in slowly, his gaze turning from sincere vulnerability to flirtatious. “So how about we make up for the time we've wasted?”

Kurt looks between his green eyes and his tempting mouth.

“You mean-”

“Kissing, making out.” Sebastian whispers, his breath ghosting over Kurt's lips. “I really just want to kiss you. I missed it more than it should be allowed for a one night smooch.”

Kissing, Kurt thinks, kissing is just fine.

Kurt has such desire for it, he almost forgets about their weeks of silence. Almost, because Kurt's brain might scream not to talk, but his heart always reaches his mouth first.

“Are we going to fall back into silence after that?” He asks, and knows it sounds rude even though it's not in his choice of tone. He isn't being sharp, he's simply being honest with the questions that are bothering him. “What would that makes us? Friends with kissing benefits?”

“Cuddling benefits if you wish it.” Sebastian spreads his welcoming arms and Kurt shoots him an incredulous look, as if he was so easily bribed. It's tempting, but not tempting enough.

“I'm serious.” He hisses, a bit more tensed, both in the voice and his position. “I seriously don't have the time to waltz around another man right now. I can't afford ...”

He hesitates for a moment, looking into Sebastian's eyes with a bit of fear in his heart. In these moments when Kurt is sincere and open and vulnerable, he doesn't see adult Sebastian. He sees the shadow of teenage Sebastian coming over and taking a chance to mock him. He tells himself Sebastian isn't that person anymore, that he wouldn't be here if he were.

“I can't afford missing you.” He says directly, the last reminder filling his head with a little push from his will. “I'm so busy right now, and it's important for me and my career that I don't lose my focus, and I might have lasted a month, but if you kiss me now and then walk out of that room to show up in another four weeks, it will mess me up.” Ugh, how he hates that he's saying it. “It will be awful for me and, well, you're a great kisser but I won't throw everything I worked hard for on that.”

When he's finished, Kurt's a little breathless, as if he had just taken something heavy off his chest – something that honestly feels like it goes way beyond Sebastian. It's distressful but in the end it is nice, to know he has set some implicit ground rule and that if Sebastian leaves now, tells him he's too much of a whiny potential-something, it will hurt, but it will be done in awareness that Kurt has been truthful to himself (at first it might not be a big consolation, but in his life Kurt has learned, that is the best feeling in the long run).

For a few moments, Sebastian is unreadable.

He stares at Kurt with what looks like curiosity but mixed with things Kurt is incapable of decoding. The seconds go by and he says nothing for a while, which is making Kurt extremely anxious. He wonders if Sebastian is doing it on purpose, just to enjoy it, or if he's truly thinking about something.

At some point, it is too much. Kurt can't handle the pressure and the awkwardness of sitting still waiting for an answer, so he needs to ask.

“Was that too much for us?” He chews the inside of his mouth. “I mean, did I completely make this something more than it is – because believe me I do that a lot – like, overstepping the one night smooch standards?”

Finally, Sebastian smiles.

“Ah, you are so beyond standards.” He says cheekily and Kurt blushes a bit despite not knowing what it really means yet. “Can I ask you an honest question?”

Kurt is scared of honest questions.

He can't spin around most of them, and sometimes honest question actually means definitive question. Telling himself that he has to put his priorities first doesn't soothe the little ache of anticipation in his chest. This is probably the point where Sebastian asks him if he figured this is the reason why is almost thirty and not in a stable relationship yet.

Nodding, he prepares himself to sink.

“Great.” Sebastian smiles, looking a bit nervous himself. “You know I was going to ask anyway, right?”

“Is that the honest question?” Kurt tries desperately, knowing it sounds ridiculous. “Then, yes, I saw that coming.” He lies.

Sebastian smirks and scrunches his face.

“Is it really so important to you to put a label on this?” He asks, looking sincere but also a bit teasing. “We have barely talked, mostly kissed and almost fucked,” Kurt winces at the crudeness, “What is it that made you so defensive that you have to ask a guy to take commitment before you even start knowing if you're gonna date him. Honestly, Kurt, you don't even know if you want to date me.”

“That's not-” Kurt says automatically, but stops mid-sentence and sighs.

It's true.

Kurt is intelligent enough to know where Sebastian is going with this. He's been trying to push Sebastian into a direction he himself wasn't capable of taking or completely avoiding yet. Kurt doesn't know what they are, just like Sebastian. And the point is, Sebastian probably doesn't know what he wants either. It is only logical that they still don't know where to go with this. They were together for one night and it was strangely pleasant, yes, but still not enough to figure anything out at all.

“I'm sorry I've been doing this.” He confesses, staring down at an empty spot on the couch and feeling himself ache more than before. This time it's not for Sebastian though, but because of what he unawarely recalled. “I didn't realize that I was. It sounds absurd, I know, but there wasn't a bad intention behind it. I've been pressuring you into something I couldn't be pressured into by myself even.”

“Hey.” Sebastian steps closer along the couch and wraps his fingers around Kurt's chin, so Kurt looks up to him. “What is it that makes you do this? I suck at reading people but only an idiot wouldn't see, you are picking your own opinion on an eventual relationship based on if the other wants it. That's basically in contrast with everything you just said about yourself.”

Kurt feels his eyes become moist and his breathing become harsher from the effort of holding the tears. God, he's been unlucky with relationships in his life. He has never had a relationship where he could just be with a man, no complications, no fighting, no personal dwelling over someone else. Is he even fit to date anyone?

“I'm sorry, I-”

He tries to pull away, move from the couch before Sebastian can see it happening, his cheeks burning with embarrassment. But when he moves, Sebastian's hand smoothly reaches his jaw and he's being turned gently. There's not much pressure in Sebastian's touch, but the comfort is too inviting when one's fragile. It keeps three times the normal strength to oppose it.

“It's okay.” Sebastian hisses, his face filled with concerned. Kurt is burning, wants to look away but he can't. Sebastian's thumb strokes along his cheek line. “You don't have to tell me anything you don't feel like sharing. What I meant is, I see that there's something making you act like this and I want you to realize you're doing it. That's all. You just seemed oblivious.”

Kurt feels himself calm a bit but there's still some never there. Where's the conversation going? What does this mean? His past experience only makes everything harder.

“I don't understand.” He confesses in a wet tiny voice.

“You're not as broken as you think you are.” Sebastian shrugs and Kurt's about to complain when he adds, “C'mon, I know you do.”

“So you think you can fix me?” Kurt asks, now truly snapping, wariness filling his tone, hardness in his blue eyes.

“Nooope,” Sebastian lets go of his face and sinks in the couch, his eyes staring at the ceiling, “I hope you will see you can fix yourself and in the meantime be successful and find some time to make out with me until we actually know how to talk it out.”

“But you do want that then.” Kurt says, although it sounds a bit like a question. “To talk it out.”

Sebastian has his head rested on the back of the couch when he looks at him. He's a bit weak himself, his lips tilt into the softest and most delicate of smiles, aimed to Kurt's face, but reaching Kurt's heart.

“Of course I do, silly.” He confesses in a quiet tone, like it is a secret. Kurt feels the tears dry, far from his eyes and from the pit in his chest. “Who wouldn't knock at his high school nemesis's door on an early Sunday morning for some unattached gratuitous kissing that they could literally find anywhere else, right? Almost sounds like I care!”

Sebastian's face on the last sentence makes Kurt laugh humidly and look down with warmth rather than discomfort. It is nice to have his heart feeling the vibe of happiness from another person again. It is almost as if he is scared to have it before he is scared to lose it, as it happens everytime.

“It does.” He eventually whispers, looking up to see that Sebastian is confused. “Sound like you care.”

Sebastian smiles. His mustache is ridiculous but he's still pretty.

“That's probably because I do.”

Kurt is very much in possess of his own emotions now as he moves in and presses his lips softly against Sebastian's, back arched as he leans over him with knees on the couch. Sebastian kisses him back gently, with no urgency and just as if he liked the brush of their lips enough not to pursue more. That's probably because he does, Kurt jokes in his head, only to find it amusing enough to accidentally laugh a bit.

“What's so funny?” Sebastian asks, breaking away from the kiss, but staying extremely close to Kurt's face.

Kurt notices there's a protective hand on his back, holding him from falling off the couch. It feels very nice.

“I'm gonna give you the chance to raise your ego after the whole stalking me to kiss me thing and say … you are.” Kurt smiles fondly. “Because I'm charitable.”

“Ugh, you little asshole.” Sebastian groans and rolls his eyes.

It is just a moment of preparation apparently, as Kurt is suddenly being pushed into the couch and tickled to every point Sebastian's long fingers can reach. Of course, Kurt is ticklish.

“Oh my God!” He screams and laughs at the same time and he's completely unaware of his legs wrapped around Sebastian's waist.

That is irrelevant though, because Sebastian himself is too busy with tickling him to notice. So Kurt starts fighting back until it turns into a tickling battle, both of them too proud and competitive to let the other win, to the point where they collapse, exhausted, and Sebastian is lying on top of Kurt, head on his chest and voice sounding tired from more than just tickling. Maybe a rough night or something. Actual tiredness.

When he senselessly says, “Hmm, I really do love your couch.” Kurt figures there's no way of saving it. Sebastian is going to fall asleep.

He lets him though. Really, they've already been in intimate positions and this time it is completely innocent. Sebastian is just breathing in and out on him as he drifts and Kurt has no intention to disturb him. Instead, he lets himself relax too, not to the point where he falls asleep (because he still has some work to do), but to where his body isn't stiff at all and he can enjoy the feeling of being so close to someone who trusts him enough to fall asleep.

Kurt looks down to where Sebastian is napping, hair a bit messy from the tickling fight and his thin lips parted slightly on his chest. He truly is handsome, there's no denying it and no rivalry forcing him to lie about it anymore. Sebastian is simply beautiful and for a moment of daydreaming, Kurt allows himself to imagine what would it be if they were together.

A lot of kissing, a lot of bickering, a lot of look at how far we've come from high school jokes.

The dream is wonderful but reality calls and duty does along with it. As soon as it is possible, Kurt slides from underneath Sebastian and manages to settle him in a comfortable sleeping position on his couch. Knowing that staring won't help his routine – or his creepiness – Kurt avoids the contemplation and puts himself to work instead.

Sebastian wakes up quite late, but once he's conscious, he doesn't freak out or leave. He stays for lunch, kisses Kurt some more, makes fun of his designs and well, smiles in a way that is so timid yet obnoxious that it generates contrasting and uncontrolled emotions inside Kurt.