#askshala

According to Rose itwas a good thing that they were questioning now. Questioning theirviews, their actions, things that had been stubbornly set in stonelong ago. John supposed she was right, they didn't feel any Betterabout it though. Not that they wanted to go back to how they’d beenliving before—what had seemed like such a good idea at the starthad rapidly become a source of misery and numbness.

“Why do you thinkshe betrayed you? You’ve changed your mind before haven’t you?Could it have been the right choice for her?”John wasn’t surethey could quite accept that The Boss could have just… Stopped.Stopped being everything they knew her to be. How could she have? Howcould she have just… Changed her mind on everything? On them? Itstill hurt.“Maybe she didn’twant to leave you behind. Do you think she might have hoped you’dsee things her way? That’s there’s more to life than justfighting?”

Finding a way toaccept that maybe The Boss hadn’t abandoned them, had been lookingafter her own needs and left them, an adult with their own life, tosort things out for themself, that was difficult, they’d believedin their vindication for so long, letting it go now… it was arejection of everything they’d fought for. All the lives lost andtaken, the threats, the fear, the pain, the sorrow… It had startedso long ago with The Cobras, and the meaning they’d found in combathaunted them still, John had reached their end having lost all thejoy in their life. They were being given a second chance, a secondchance to find all the things they’d lost. And yet… They had hadthe chance before...

John’s anger hadstarted to shift, they were furious with themself for taking so muchfor granted while they wallowed in their own problems, acting like noone else had troubles, like their friends just... Existed in stasiswithout them, until John needed them. It wasn't that John hadn't everworried for them, but... But it might as well have been like that.Had they really Thought about what Ocelot had been up to on therebehalf? No, not really. They'd just taken Ocelot's word for it thathe was okay. It was all okay. He'd take care of everything… Pay noattention to the man behind the curtain, he’s just fine. And so…John had missed everything. They'd missed their best friend'sdifficulties and miseries, they'd missed his LIFE. Thinking back onthe young man he’d met before all of this, wide eyed and passionatein Tselinoyarsk, it was hard to connect him to the lined worried facehe saw now, clear headed, careful, conniving, tired Ocelot. They’ddone that to him… Taken all the promise of a young life and suckedit dry like a vampire.

It was time to thinkabout that, time to consider what they wanted from this relationship.Not just John, but both of them. Ocelot was so patient, he deservedfor that patience to pay off. He deserved better—and that scaredJohn, because Ocelot had had it, and he’d sacrificed all of it. Howmuch more would he give, how long would he wait, before he decided itwasn't worth it any more? Hadn't John nearly lost him once before?Wondering what might have happened if Quiet hadn't left, kept Johnawake some nights. Watching their 'sleeping' partner, wondering whathappened between the two sharpshooters all those years ago. They knewOcelot lied about it, but it didn't matter, John accepted Ocelot'ssecrets as a natural part of him, but it made them ache to think hemight be... No. not the second choice... never that, Ocelot hadchosen him long ago, but... John chased themselves in circles,ricochetting between guilt at what they’d done, and guilt forpresuming it was all about them. Hadn’t Ocelot proven that itwasn’t? If nothing else wasn’t his dedication to Sunny proof thatJohn hadn’t been the only person in his life to mean something tohim?

They wrestled withthemselves, now they were increasingly aware of their self-centredthought patterns, it was mortifying to see them in action. Wrenchingthemselves out of their own head, John looked up, over the airfield,to the long limbed Metal Gear supervising construction on the farside where one of the old sheds was being turned into a dedicatedshooting range away from the rest of the buildings. Not for the firsttime John admired Sunny's ongoing work. For agility and speed, theWildcat's new chassis was unbeatable by any other currently existingMetal Gear. It flattered Big Boss' own heavier chassis elegantly. Thegrey striped machine looked up, apparently aware of John's gaze andraised one paw in a guesture of greeting. John raised their own pawin automatic response, massive armoured chest aching. They didn'tthink they’d been this happy in a long while, and yet still ithurt, just being alive was painful, but they were happier, proud ofwhat they were accomplishing and the meaning they were weaving out ofit, lead primarily by Ocelot who’d visited or served on a number ofthese mercenary bases by now. The base was running well, benefitingfrom their mutual experience, and being on the receiving end of histroops' admiration was an awful lot less bittersweet when they feltlike they were really acting with their welfare in mind. And for allhis problems, Ocelot was thriving. God alone knew why Big Boss hadlet the Russian's skills go to waste. He was better out here in thesunlight, so to speak, than in the shadows. Not that he was a badinterrogator, or a bad agent, but it didn't make the most of hisskills with people, it didn’t use them in a way that fulfilledOcelot’s needs. It has suppressed his personality, John realisedbelatedly, kicking themself for not seeing why Ocelot’s reportsfrom Diamond Dogs had been so positive. John loved to see him withthe men, for all that Ocelot denied it, seeing him light up inresponse to a breakthrough with one of his students, or be there tosupport his unit, Ocelot deserved that sort of social interaction, tofeel needed and loved. It suited him, it suited them both in fact,Ocelot’s energy seemed almost boundless, things seemed right inthat corner of John’s world.

John strode acrossthe airfield, still feeling self conscious in their massiveglistening green saurian body, and yet... And yet... They glanceddown at their claws. This felt better in so many ways. Now there wasno mistaking when you looked at them, they weren’t human any more,they were a war machine, built to fight—even if they had the optionof other things, they reminded themself. Ocelot would disagree withthem, to him they were still human, organic or not, and maybe one dayhe'd be proven right. But right now, it was more comforting to Johnto think they were something Else. Something built to over see theirhuman soldiers, that could protect them and be more than the flawedhuman being that had let them down in the past.

Bump.

The silver Wildcat'swedge shaped head bumped into their neck and slid over it in a roughparody of an embrace. John pushed back, feeling the massive pressureagainst the steel belted polymer armour like a gentle squeeze.How are youdoing, Boss?Not bad. Theyresponded. Um... Rose says... Not to forget today.Ocelot chuckled,fangs visible for a moment. Alright. She's not going to let me getaway with it is she?Do you want tostop seeing her?...No. Notreally.John wasn’t surehow to keep going, so they nodded towards the construction crew.Going well?Come see foryourself.

John was distracted,they were supposed to be admiring the new build, listening to the menexplain to them what was going on. But it was hard to take their eyesoff the Wildcat, long vaguely equine legs, slender body and nimblemovements, it moved around the site with a level of agility thebulkier heavier built black armoured Hellcat (renamed for claritiessake, the production line Wildcats, outside of Outer Heaven’sjurisdiction retained their original nomenclature,) that Big Bossinhabited, could only dream of. John made a mental note, again, tocompliment Sunny on her design work. So many changes over the years,from boy to man to machine, still as attractive as ever, still asconfident in his body. It was an embarrassment to John that they'dever neglected to tell Ocelot this.

She's onto you,you know. John said as they walked together back to the maincomplex.Which one?Sunny, theysnorted. She's asked me to remind you to sleep.Ocelot made anon-committal noise.Why aren't yousleeping anyway? You go to bed at the same time as me...?Ocelot humped thecomplex floating structure of his shoulders, that gave him superbshock absorption and an eloquent shrug.

What else do youhave planned today? John turned to look back at Ocelot.I have tests torun this afternoon—Sunny’s made some adjustments. He wriggledhis shoulders again. Want to come with?Go with you?Yeah, I’d like that. They could feel rather than see Ocelot’sgrin. Always like watching you show off.Hey…What? You’regood at it.Huh. Well.Ocelot said primly. After that I’m a free man, unless she wantsto make any more adjustments of course. You?Me? Oh, well Iwas wondering if you wanted to take the rest of the day off.Really?Really.John watched theWildcat’s sensors rustle and adjust then Ocelot said: What wereyou thinking?When was the lasttime we sat down and watched a film together?Without missing abeat Ocelot replied: 4th of January, 1984.I didn’t meanthat literally. But ah… Any suggestions? I’m not really up tospeed on what we could watch, I’m only just getting a handle on thecurrent formats.Ocelot thought for awhile. Why not something we’re familiar with?No… I think Iwant something new and… They hesitated. Sad.Sad?Sure, I want tofeel sad at something.Okay, I’ll askSunny for some suggestions shall I?

John loped along theedge of the road, glancing back now and again to look at the Wildcatstood still behind them, head cocked to the side, waiting patiently.Eventually the other Metal Gear was out of sight and John stopped. Afew curious people came out into their gardens to peer over towardsthe main road out of town to see what the commander of their localmercenary organisation was doing. Traffic slowed down, building sizedwalking war machines weren’t an everyday sight even around here.

Go on. Johnsaid. Within seconds the Wildcat had materialised, distant butgetting faster by the moment. Please don’t run into me.The Wildcat was onthem, dust and grit ballooned behind it and as it passed by theHellcat it slammed on the brakes. Leaning back on its hind legs anddeploying the braking spikes that were its claws, leaving furrowswithin furrows as claws and paws bit into the earth.John turned tofollow the Wildcat’s movement as it ground to a halt.How did thatfeel?Much better.Ocelot shook himself off and came back. So much less strain,there’s so much more absorption now! You should ask for these.I don’t think Ican reach the speeds that would benefit from them.Ocelot indicated thelaunching platform on the Hellcat’s shoulders. Might help withthat.I’ll thinkabout it. I suppose there’s not much point in me challenging you toa race back these days, huh?No not really,but you’re welcome to try and beat me if you like. I’ll give youa head start.

Ocelot glanced awayfrom the screen to look down at the heavy head laying against histhigh, hesitantly raising a hand to stroke the thick dark hair. Johnturned slightly to glance up at him and give a confused smile.“Are you okay?”“I’m okay. Sunnyreally suggested a heartbreaker, huh?”“I thought she wastaking the piss at first, but yes, there were some…” He trailedoff.“Yeah.” Johncurled in on themself, arms wrapping around Ocelot’s legs. “We’vebeen lucky, haven’t we?”“Yes, and you’vedone well.”“Me?”“Sure, you’vealways set out to make your nations inclusive, I’ve always feltcomfortable there. Venom was the same.”“You made him thatway.”“He continued iton his own. You and he both made a place where soldiers could also bepeople, in safety, that meant a lot to a lot of people.”“It’ll be betterthis time.”“I’m sure ofthat.”

John uncurled andsat up, shuffling around to sit opposite Ocelot, the gunman’s handhaving slipped from their head to their shoulder.“You happy?”Ocelot smiled. “Yes.For the most part.”“Most part?”“I’m not goingto be happy every moment of the day. I’m only human.”John raised a handto touch Ocelot’s cheek, peering at his face like he was seekingsomething hidden, or lost.“John?”“Sometimes… Istruggle…”“Struggle?”Ocelot prompted.“We’re realright? This is real?”“Yes. We’rereal, this is all real.” He covered John’s hand with his own.“It’s okay, I’m here.”They nodded slowlyand sunk into the crook of Ocelot’s arm, head on his shoulder, handslipping free to land on the Russian’s chest, plucking at hiswaistcoat.“I don’t like togo to sleep, in case I wake up and I’m back in that nightmareagain. Why don’t you sleep?”Ocelot was silentfor a long while, before replying softly: “I’m scared I’ll wakeup and you’ll be gone.”John looked up.“I’m alwaysafraid of that, that I’ve...” he frowned, line drawn into astraight line. “Did you know, I used to have dreams about watchingyou fly off in the WIG?”“Really?”“Sure. I crawledout of the lake and watched until you were out of sight and I thoughtI’d never see you again and I… It was the first time I ever criedover you.”“We didn’t evenknow each other.”“I know. But I wasa kid and I was in love and you’d just flown off with thisbeautiful strong woman who was anything but a kid, who’d saved yourlife and I thought I was just such a fool.”John let this sinkin then said: “Everything would have been different if we’d metup like we were supposed to, huh?”“I can’t fly aWIG.”John laughed.“We’d have justbeen stuck there by the lake like two fools. Probably for the bestEVA was there.”“If it’d justbeen us two, we’d have wasted half the mission talking about gunsand westerns.”It was Ocelot’sturn to laugh, leaning down to rest his chin on John’s head.“How could youknow you loved me?”Ocelot shrugged.“Same reason I know now?”“Which is?”“I want to be withyou.” He tapped his chest. “And it aches in here, superspecifically, like… A bud trying to open—when I’m with you.”“That’s...a nicedescription.”Ocelot smiled. “Itjust feels right when I’m with you, like it’s where I’msupposed to be. And we get along don’t we?”“Sure we do,always have. When you joined us in America, you were the only onewho… I felt...”“Yeah?” Heprompted curiously.“Yeah...” Johndidn’t elaborate.

Ocelot shifted,looking down at the android in his arms.“John?”Nothing. He shookthe larger soldier gently. Nothing.“Daft bastard,”he smiled, kissing the top of their head and slipping out from underthem and lowering John to the bed. After a bit of rummaging he foundthe discarded cable and plugged it into the discrete socket behindthe android’s ear and climbed back onto the bed. Sitting crosslegged to brush out his hair—it was vital he took care of it toavoid the synthetic strands getting damaged, but he was well in thathabit anyway—and gazing fondly at John, tracing every line of theirwell made face, each crease and tiny scar, the twisted shiny skinaround their burnt out eye. It could have been the original.

Hair brushed andplaited and tied back, stripped down and sliding under the sheets,Ocelot brushed John’s thick soft hair from their face and settleddown to fulfil Sunny’s wish that he Finally get some sleep and runhis clean up programs.