#askjell

"I tell myself I have to build defenses 'Cause once you are in love, you are defenseless Everything was easy when it meant less But once you are in love, you are defenseless"

"How it's like

as common as cancer is, especially pediatric cancer, you still never anticipate it to happen to you or your family. you spend your life hearing all the tragic stories about children battling a disease that at times has 0% survival rate with a knot in your throat and a tight heart, but i don’t think anyone ever truly grasps the impact of childhood cancer until you’re the one watching it unfold on the daily with your own eyes.

i could spend the rest of this post talking about cancer and how horrible, unfair, tragic and miserable it is, about all the medical anxieties it leaves behind, about that distinctive type of trauma left over after witnessing a child deteriorate and die. but the truth is, in the words of my mother, after such an unbelievable difficult experience that i found myself going through in the last couple of years, there’s a part of me that feels unbelievably grateful to this hideous disease.

unexpectedly, that cancer became a master.

while it took something from me, it also gave me back so much more. my process has been my own, but if there’s one thing i can say, it’s that i wouldn’t be where i am, and i wouldn’t be the person i am today had it not been for this arduous experience. in times when i feel like i can’t keep going, i remember sofi, who at ages 6,7 and 8, endured tougher tests than i ever have, and potentially ever will.

it’s unbelievably clear that sofi wasn’t intended to stay on this planet for long. she came, she taught me and my family some valuable lessons, and when all was said and done, she left.

this much was plain to see before, but after the crazy events of this last week, it’s never been more blatant to me that sofi was placed here to reach beyond just my family, to touch others all around the world, and be a beacon of light and positivity for those who need to be uplifted by a little more love.

to be honest, i was extremely wary of seeing such a private aspect of my family life being released for the world to see, by pretty well-known people too, but after reading so many wonderful comments from complete strangers, i only wish to see more people being touched by sofi’s story.

i read a beautiful thread on twitter that i’ll try to translate accurately, by somebody who said sofi’s story had really touched their heart. they said: “the song reminded me of my youth, it has that hint of simplicity and frivolity, like the summer afternoons when i used to visit my grandparents and eat biscuits with them. it has the same hint of flowers blooming in spring, that bring hope, but at the very same time another cycle closes, and it’s time to move forward alongside time.

it’s very beautiful and sad just how quickly time slips by, the impermanence of our lives and those of the ones we love. as i listen to the song, i don’t understand why i lose so much energy in things that aren’t worth it. perhaps i should try to have the spirit of a child, who has many dreams and optimism, who doesn’t know what awaits them in the future, but that in that very same manner, they assert that everything will be okay. i should try to be more like sofia.”

please listen to the song, please watch the music video if you haven’t. if there is one thing i want most from this experience, is for the entire world to know about sofia, and how she continues to drive me forward, even after feeling like i’d lost her forever. the truth is i haven’t, and while i know she’ll be by my side forever, i’d like you all to also keep a little piece of her soul in your hearts.

2012-2020- ∞