#askfunny

Humans: Humans are a creative species, and they often bring this creativity with them into the bedroom. You never know what strange antics a human is going to pull during sex, it’s like a roulette of surprises! A human’s best quality is their adaptability, and they tend to be highly adaptable to sex with other species of people. Even if it seems impossible, humans will use their creative brains to make it work.

Dworfs: Dworfs have a natural affinity for using tools, and this manifests in the bedroom when they use sex toys. They love to use objects on themselves and their lovers, whether the object was meant for sexual use or not. Dworfs can get quite attached to their tools, and using these things to please their lovers is an intimate experience for them, whether they’re inserting the handle of their favorite hammer into you or spanking you with their favorite spoon!

Roshava: Athleticism is important to roshava, and it’s no less important during intimacy. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself being stretched out and twisted into a pretzel with your roshavan lover! They like to switch positions often, and the more complex it is, the better. Their extra set of arms comes in “handy” when pulling off these athletic bedroom maneuvers. A roshava isn’t satisfied until you’re both sore, exhausted, and completely out of breath!

Trolls: Trolls like to get down and dirty! They’re attracted to foul smells and immune to almost all bacteria, so don’t bother gussying up before a sexy time with them. In fact, the sweatier and dirtier you are, the more turned on your troll lover will be. Trolls have natural affinities towards scat, sweat, urine, and even vomit, but these things can be unsafe (not to mention unpleasant!) for other species to engage with. As an alternative, most trolls will be happy to fool around in a puddle of mud, a dumpster, or play with rank-smelling tallow instead. Either way, it’s best to smell your worst to get them in the mood.

Ogres: Ogres play rough, even in the bedroom. Their thick, leathery hides dull their sense of touch, so their lover must use a heavy hand to please them. For smaller lovers, that often means whipping, pounding, and even bouncing on parts of an ogre’s body to stimulate them! Don’t worry about hurting them though, ogres are incredibly tough. Not only can they take a beating–they crave it! It is easy for ogres to accidentally harm smaller lovers, so they often take a more passive role during intimacy in these cases. Because their tongues and genitals can feel painfully rough for some peoples, it’s common for ogres to use sex toys instead. They’ve even been known to file down their tusks and horns, making them suitable tools to penetrate their partners with!

Elves: Elven bodies are rather delicate, so other peoples must treat them with a gentle touch to avoid harming them. Hands are an erogenous zone for this species. It’s natural for elves to fixate on hands during sex, usually by kissing, licking, or massaging their partner's hands or their own. Don’t be alarmed if they plunge their fingers into your mouth during the act, this is highly pleasurable for them!

Goblins: A goblin’s ears are the most sensitive part of their bodies, even moreso than their genitals. Touching their ears the right way will arouse them, but be careful…squeezing or pulling their earlobes too hard feels like a kick to the crotch–it can hurt them a lot! Goblins also have large noses and a strong sense of smell. Scents have a powerful effect on them, so spritzing on an alluring perfume is never a bad idea before a romp with your goblin lover. Goblins naturally show affection by rubbing their noses together, but they may rub their nose against other parts of their lover’s body as well. If your beloved goblin is trying to use their nose to please you in the bedroom, rest assured that this isn’t some odd fetish, it’s their normal behavior!

Gnomes: Gnomes are much smaller than most other peoples, so getting intimate with them can be a challenge. It can even be dangerous, and many gnomes have been inadvertently crushed or suffocated to death by their overzealous lovers! But tragedies like these can be avoided by taking special precautions. It’s best to keep your gnome lover elevated on a surface such as a table, where they won’t be stepped on. They are so small that even a tongue or finger muscle could injure them, so it’s best to hold still and let the gnome please themselves using your body. Sex toys are also an option, as many gnomes enjoy sitting on vibrators turned to a low setting.

Sirenes: Sirenes may seem obsessed with hair during intimacy, and that’s because their scalp is an erogenous zone. You can get your sirene lover in the mood by sensually massaging their head or brushing their hair. Hair stroking and pulling comes naturally to sirenes during sex, but they also like to touch surrounding areas like the neck and face. They love the feeling of soft, clean hair brushing over their skin, so it’s best to wear yours long and loose. Sex can be a rigorous activity, and since sirenes dehydrate easily, it’s best to get intimate in water. If a lake or swimming pool isn’t available, a simple bathtub or a kiddie pool will do the job.

Cecaelia: Cecaelia are asexual creatures who reproduce without physical contact and cannot feel lust. Sexual behaviors don’t come naturally to them, but they can certainly be taught! A cecaelia’s many tentacles bring fun and excitement to the bedroom (though some people may find them creepy!) They are an Aquarian species, meaning they dehydrate easily, so it’s best to be intimate in or near water. Also make sure to turn the lights down low, as they are sensitive to bright light. What a cecaelia knows about sex is whatever they are taught by sexual beings, so your experience depends on your ability to guide them. Though they don’t feel lust, cecaelia do gain physical pleasure from touch. They enjoy kissing, massages, and cuddling just as much as other peoples. Beware their necks–cecaelia have delicate gills there and usually don’t like them to be touched.

Satyr: Satyrs have more nerve endings than other peoples, meaning they experience both pain and pleasure very strongly. A little physical affection goes a long way for them, and sex is always an intense affair. The average satyr must climax 3 or 4 times before they’re fully satisfied. They’re almost always in the mood, but even if they’re not, it doesn’t take much to coax them. Satyrs are gluttons for pleasure and always up for trying new things. However, they do get bored easily, so don’t expect them to hold the same position or even keep the same partner for long. They can’t stand routine and like to switch things up every time they get intimate. Bringing something new into the bedroom, like a toy, a kinky outfit, or even more partners will drive your satyr lover wild(er)!

Faun: Fauns are highly in tune with their feelings and emotions. Jumping right into sex just isn’t their style; they prefer lots of foreplay beforehand to get in the mood. To appeal to a faun’s body, you must first appeal to their heart. Sex with a faun is a slow-burning event. They like to take their time and set the ambiance just right, building tension higher and higher before getting to the real sweaty stuff. Anticipation is half the pleasure for them, and all this seduction and teasing makes for an incredibly satisfying climax later! Don’t expect to get a “quickie” from your faun lover. To really make them happy, it’s best to break out the candles and clear your schedule for the day.

Centaur: Centaurs are known for being rather blunt and “forward” in their interactions with others, and they are no different in the bedroom. If they’re in the mood, they won’t beat around the bush about it. It’s a good idea to set boundaries with your centaur lover early on in your relationship, as they’re prone to suddenly groping, undressing, or mounting their partners without warning and getting right to it. They can be impatient with foreplay. If you want to please your centaur lover, tell or show them exactly what you want. Trying to hint and tease your way towards sex will only leave them confused and frustrated. They’re prone to kicking their hooves in the throes of pleasure, and just one well-aimed kick can be fatal to a smaller lover, so couples must choose their positions carefully.

Minotaur: Minotaurs have a natural attraction towards chests. They appreciate big muscular pecs or a heaving set of breasts. Either way, the bigger the better! Even if you don’t have the most impressive chest in the world, don’t be surprised if your minotaur lover fixates on it anyway with excessive groping, licking, and sucking. Nipple-play is to be expected, and oftentimes it seems that minotaurs are more interested in nipples than genitals during intimacy.

Gorgon: Gorgons perform a unique “dance” when they’re in the mood for intimacy. If your gorgon lover is suddenly dazzling you with their undulating belly and hypnotic hips, it’s time to drop what you’re doing and hit the bedroom! Gorgons treat sex in a ritualistic manner. This behavior is ingrained in their DNA, and they won’t be satisfied unless they fulfill the ritual properly. To please them, join their seductive dance as they slowly coil themselves around you. Once they’ve got you bound in their grasp, they will wrestle you to the floor or bed and undulate their hips against your body, stimulating both of you to arousal. You may feel like a prey critter caught in a predator’s grasp, but rest assured, this is a normal part of the ritual. Gorgons like to remain tightly entangled with their lovers during sex, letting go only after climax. If you yourself are not a gorgon, you can return this gesture by wrapping your arms and legs around them, or even tying a rope around them to simulate a tail. The sensation of being squeezed is comforting to them. Their tails are powerful and they may squeeze you too tightly for your comfort, so don’t forget to communicate clearly and often.

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Lore Masterpost